Should I have a baby?

meer53

I don't think you're ready to make a decision yet.

Childbirth is such a personal thing that just because you fainted at a video doesn't mean you won't be able to cope if you get pregnant. You must have other friends who had good experiences ?

I have 2 children and love them both to bits but i do understand why people make the decision not to have any. I think it's harder to make that decision than deciding to have them. All i would say is that if you're wavering please don't leave it too long. The risks are higher when you're older as you're probably aware and it can take longer to conceive.

I had my first baby at 30 and my second at 43 and luckily had no problems but i was all too aware of how it could have been such a different outcome. We didn't plan our second child, she was a bit of a surprise, and believe me, the older you are, the harder it is ! With hindsight i wish now that i'd had my children in my early 20's instead of waiting until we had a house etc.

Having and raising children is a career in itself, personally i think it's far more rewarding than any job. I wish you luck whatever you decide, the thing to remember is to not listen to anyone who says you're making the wrong decision, it's for you to decide, no-one else. Have you considered letting nature decide for you ?

savingmummy

You will know when you want to be a mum!
You certainly wont need to ask for advice or guidance that feeling comes and you will just know.

Sounds to me as if your very unsure, maybe your worried the time will pass then it will be too late? Would you prefer to wait a few more years, maybe now is not the right time?

IF you were to find you were pregnant in the morning how would you feel?

Must say fears of childbirth etc is so common amongst women who have had multiple births, no women will say they had no fear or worry it is natural to have them.
The worst births in the world always bring a gift you`ll treasure forever and it really is rewarding so worth everything!
How many of your friend swho had `horror` stories went on to have another?

lostinrates

Well, while i agree if you have to ask the answer is no, not yet...but you acknowledge that any way.

But i also think its wise to put thinking about it on the agenda as you have. Decisions we make as girls and young women CAN and perhaps shpuld be reevaluated at stages in our lives, and if approaching the end of your education then this seems the sort of time when its tempting to let the big things like babies, marriage and house buying rock our boats, already under pressure by the imminant life changes of embarking on next step of career or a birhday ending in '0'.

pinkclouds

Deleted_User wrote: »

I have been with my wonderful partner for several years and have always made it clear that having children isn't something on my 'to-do' list. He has accepted this and has said he was undecided and probably wouldn't know what he wanted until he was in his 30s.

^To me, this is the most troubling bit of your post.

Having kids isn't an issue that couples can compromise on. Either you have them or you don't. Without wishing to be overly pessimistic, it is possible that one day hubby might regret not having them and, being a bloke, will have the option to move on to wife #2. However, if you are both on the same page - whatever that page may be, then that is great!

Anyway... whether someone should have kids... Children are a big responsibility and you should only have them if you are willing to shoulder that responsibility for life. I do have kids that I love dearly and have always wanted to have kids but it really is *very* tiring and expensive. I will admit that I was very worried about labour and childbirth. My lovely obstetrician was essentially on-call 24/7 and provided the reassurance that I needed to get over my fears. Possibly a private midwife or doula would do the same but my added reassurance was that even if I needed a c-section then it would still be my own OB that did it so I would always have the same doctor with me. Would that help you at all?

Finally, what would you regret more? Having kids or not having kids? Don't have a baby just because someone else tells you that you "ought to" - whether that someone is your mom, a stranger or your husband. A baby is a real little person that you have to carry under your heart for 9 months and your tummy will never be the same and you'll be sleep deprived and sore and bags under your eyes for ages - and then you have to care for them until they leave home and love them and worry about them until you die. Is that something you want? Yes, it is fulfilling and wonderful and pure love but I hope you already know that from your relationship with your mother. There's no point saying having a child is easy as pie. It's not. You have to want to have kids despite the fact that it's *not* easy.

Nicki

pinkclouds wrote: »

Yes, it is fulfilling and wonderful and pure love but I hope you already know that from your relationship with your mother.

I'm not sure I agree that you can extrapolate anything from OP's relationship with her mother! I know for a dead certainty that I love my children a million times more than my mother ever loved me, and there is no way on earth I would ever treat them with the same degree of casual indifference that she has shown me all my life. And equally am sure that what I feel for my children is a whole quantum leap different to how I feel about either of my own parents.

I suspect it is the exception rather than the rule that your relationship with your own mother is replicated by your relationship with your children.

camNolliesMUMMY

I can't answer the question for you but.... I was not keen on having children and at 21 was the last thing on my mind whilst in a long term relationship.
We had an accident and I couldn't bring myself to having an abortion, I had my son 5 years ago and I love him more than anything in the world and it all came to me the moment I gave birth to him.
I'm now 26 still with the father 7 years on getting married and I'm due today with ds2 I'm over the moon.

milliemonster

Well as a mum myself, and someone whose career had to take a bit of a back seat I have to say that the only thing you have to ask yourself is when you are older and past childbearing age, will you regret it if you didn't have any?, there is no right or wrong answer and only you know how you feel.

I would say that it is impossible to have a committed high flying career and commit to having children too at the same time, yes lots of mums work, either because they want to or through necessity, and although I have kept my career going I have had to make many sacrifices to ensure I put my kids first, sacrifices I was happy to make because you can't give 100% to everything all the time and something has to give.

I adore my kids and wouldn't change my life at all, however, I am not in the slightest bit maternal towards other people's children, I don't go gooey at the sight of a newborn and am not in the slightest way mumsy at all, I am 7 years younger than my husband and had my first when I was 26, he had basically given me an ultimatum that if we didn't have our first by the time he was 35 then he didn't want to bother, I would have preferred to have waited until I was older but I knew in my heart of hearts I did want children, just not sure when. I don't have any regrets now looking back.

I never had any burning desires to procreate, I wanted to get my career on track and that was majorly important to me, but having kids does change your outlook on lots of things, brings a lot of joy to your lives and opens up new adventures of a different kind, it also brings many challenges and worries and stress!. I have 2 children now and stopped there and if I could turn the clock back I wouldn't change the decision I made to have kids.

You are still young and have plenty of time to explore your feelings about having a family, you are no less of a woman if you choose not to have children, remember that.

jediquigley

I am 30 and pregnant with my first child, due in July. it was a planned pregnancy but a decision that i didnt take lightly.

similar to yourself i dont have this crazy maternal instinct like i see in my own mum and other women who coo over babies. i have 3 nephews i love and enjoying spending time with. my husband was keen to have children a few years ago but we waited until we were married and i had finished my degree before trying. i was also nearly completely put off of having children by seeing how my sister struggles with her two children but her husband is unsupportive which makes a big difference.

i am excited about having a child and have been told you become more maternal with your own children. i do not look forward to labour and am afraid like most women but this shouldnt put you off having a child.

i decided to have a child in the end because it felt like a natural thing to do, i wanted to raise a child into the world as i believe i would be a good parent.

i wonder when you are finished studying and have been in a psychiatrist job for a year things will look differently. but just be aware dont leave it too late as fetility declines from about the age of 28 in women. you cant have a child at 50 but you can study and further your carer at that age.

All the best, Laura

meritaten

hmmm - why not arrange some counselling hun and explore your 'feelings and emotions' about motherhood? I am NOT being facetious or facile, I really think that you already have a good understanding of your own thought processes and wouldnt have posted if you werent worried that you were just conceding to peer and social pressure. What you really need to examine are your 'feelings' about actually getting pregnant, giving birth and raising a child!
You give quite good 'clues' in your post as to your feelings about this - perhaps if you could 'miss' the pregnancy and giving birth bit - how would you view childraising? perhaps fostering or adoption would be an option?
I wouldnt say 'dont have a baby you obviously dont want one' I would say find out how you really feel and go on from there.
If you decide motherhood isnt for you - then THATS your decision and you and your partners and isnt for anyone else to comment on!
good luck

meritaten

jediquigley wrote: »

I am 30 and pregnant with my first child, due in July. it was a planned pregnancy but a decision that i didnt take lightly.

similar to yourself i dont have this crazy maternal instinct like i see in my own mum and other women who coo over babies. i have 3 nephews i love and enjoying spending time with. my husband was keen to have children a few years ago but we waited until we were married and i had finished my degree before trying. i was also nearly completely put off of having children by seeing how my sister struggles with her two children but her husband is unsupportive which makes a big difference.

i am excited about having a child and have been told you become more maternal with your own children. i do not look forward to labour and am afraid like most women but this shouldnt put you off having a child.

i decided to have a child in the end because it felt like a natural thing to do, i wanted to raise a child into the world as i believe i would be a good parent.

i wonder when you are finished studying and have been in a psychiatrist job for a year things will look differently. but just be aware dont leave it too late as fetility declines from about the age of 28 in women. you cant have a child at 50 but you can study and further your carer at that age.

All the best, Laura

Not strictly true Laura - as many women who thought their childbearing years were over could tell you! in many women menopause doesnt even begin until their fifties and it CAN take years before they are completely unable to concieve! quite a few of my school friends had mums my nans age (they were referred to as late surprises).