Should I have a baby?

Welshwoofs

Deleted_User wrote: »

I very much feel it's expected of me and so I don't know if I actually want to, or will ever really want to.

Deleted_User - I'm very nearly 43 and never wanted to have children. Being female, I went through all the pregnancy announcements from friends in my late 20s/mid-30s and the inevitable questions about when I was going to have one. Being an only child I've also had the pressure about producing a grandchild.

Now I feel no pressure because that window is fast closing anyway and all those friends who announced their pregnancies now come and raid my wine cooler and sob with tales of what a PITA their kids are....whilst I sit amid all my kid-unfriendly furniture thinking "Thank Christ that's not me." All my friends had to either totally abandon their career plans, or they've been severely set back. They all seem to struggle with finances and life, to me at least, seems an endless round of organising and running round after kids - whereas I revel in the ability to go and do what I want, when I want without having to book a childminder or do military style oganisations to drag kids along with you to something they inevitably won't like anyway.

I have no regrets and I can say for a damn fact that on my deathbed I won't be bemoaning not having children. My guess is people who use that line are rather more afraid of being alone when they die than of being child-free....unfortunately a quick look round your local nursing home is rather eye-opening about how many adult children actually bother with their aged parents

Could what you feel when your friends announce their pregnancies simply be anxiety that your relationship with them will change? Because I've found (and no offence to those with kids) that there is a change.....they talk non-stop about their bloody babies which, frankly, is deadly boring to everyone but their immediate families.

If a career is what gives you joy there's no shame in that. Don't have kids because you feel you must, have them because you actually want to support a little consumer for the next 20+ years

[Deleted User]

Bratz81: I can relate to not wanting to pass your genes on, this is something I have no desire to do and is a poor reason to bring a human being into the world if you ask me. What a shame you get so much pressure to have children. I wish there was one thing you could say to these people to diffuse their comments and ignorance. I have experienced a lot of pressure too, from being told it is my duty to reproduce as a woman, to being told I am selfish or will regret my choice. When I examine these comments, none are true. I know I am not required to reproduce, it is not my duty simply because I was born with the ability to do so. Nor am I selfish and I know that I couldn’t possibly regret a decision that I feel is right for me. Such pressure is down to a lot of factors I feel: Conditioning, not knowing how to respond to something that isn’t considered a norm, jealousy and being so wrapped up in one’s identity as a mother that the alternative seems like a myth. I know from experience that people who pressurise you or do not accept your choice are the ones who generally struggle more with being a parent or are not comfortable with the sacrifices they’ve had to make. They tend to be the ones to say you’ll regret it because that makes themselves feel better. If possible, don’t take it personally and know your choice is right for you. Fortunately, as this thread has shown, there are many parents who acknowledge the choice not to be a parent as a completely valid one and are very supportive. My good friend has a very sweet little boy who I get on well with. My friend has always supported the decision not to have children and has never once pressurised me or suggested that his choice is right for me. It helps to remember that people who have children also experience pressure. My colleague was only a few hours ago bemoaning the fact that many of her friends had made her feel extremely guilty when she was unable to breastfeed her son. She also said she didn’t want another child but felt pressure to provide a sibling for her son. It’s a real that people are made to feel bad about the choices they make in life, whatever those choices may be. As for your book, I will definitely check it out on Amazon. I read a book called A Life’s Work which was a very honest account about motherhood and having a child. It caused an uproar when it was released because it highlighted the difficulties of becoming a mother, and many people just want to read the cuddly idealised part.


Welshwoofs: I am relieved to read that the pressure is coming to an end for you as you near your mid-40s. The friends I have who have young children were never really into the whole career thing so I haven’t seen the effect of having children on their careers or education. My career means a lot to me and I really begrudge feelings guilty for this or made to feel that I will regret prioritising my career above having children. I love the fact you have such conviction about your choice, that you know you won’t have regrets. I personally think having children to secure someone to care for you when you are old is a risk. My grandmother has two children. One (my mother) cares for her every day and has reduced her working hours to assist her. The other sees her once a year, and only when he wants money. There is no guarantee that having children will mean you’ll have company in old age, and if I did decide to have children, I certainly wouldn’t be placing such expectations on them.

I think my anxiety whenever a friend announces a pregnancy is more than a worry that our friendship will change. I am lucky because my few friends with children talk about more than just their kids, so our friendships haven’t changed enormously, although unsurprisingly, I do see them less. My anxiety comes from a mixture of their pregnancy making me wonder why I do not feel strongly enough to have a baby and am not at all maternal, and a reiteration that this is what is expected of me, as is so often implied by colleagues, family and friends. I don’t feel I want kids. I don’t feel that it would be rewarding, that I would enjoy it. I feel that I would be bored, frustrated, tired, lost and isolated, and wouldn’t be being true to myself. I would feel that working so hard to achieve my degrees was for nothing and that my partner and I are no longer equals. Yet, a part of me still wonders what I’d be missing: those moments of joy that people talk about, and the feeling of belonging, as I don’t have any friends who do not want or have children. I think that not wanting children can be quite isolating because society is so child-focused and I see probably a thousand sights every day that prompt me to think about this overwhelming choice and the fact that I am ‘different’ and really can’t understand the hype. People tell me I will change my mind/ regret or that their children have made their lives worth living, so I guess it’s natural that this has affected my thought process and made me less sure of what I thought was a choice set in stone. I suppose I am afraid to miss out, afraid of regret, being judged or looked down on because I don’t have children, but I am also extremely afraid that I will give in and do what other people expect or pressurise me into as opposed to what is best for me and, in the process, affect my career, my relationship, my identity and the life of an innocent child. Therefore, I envy your conviction in your choice and your ability to stand up for what is best for you despite the pressure and expectations that have driven me to question if I really do know what is best for me.

bratz81

Deleted_User - I don't feel I'd be missing out on any joy at all by not being a parent. I think I can have all the rewarding moments I want or need from my friends, family, my cat (who's awesome!), my fianc!, my hobbies, travel, and so on. You don't just get rewarding moments of joy from children!

People put pressure on you to have children as too many people can't see any other way to do things than what society tell them, I think. They never thought of not having kids as a choice, and that someone does choose that scares them. Either because they regret not knowing they had a choice or because they don't understand being different.

As for being afraid of being looked down on or judged...no matter what you do someone will look down on you and judge you so please don't let that stop you doing what you want!!

[Deleted User]

Hi Bratz81,

You're completely right. Joy comes in all different forms and not just from children. In fact, I imagine the moments of joy children bring are often eclipsed by the difficulties and frustrations that children bring. My old housemate told me that bringing up children is the most selfless job anyone could do, that children will love you unconditionally. I hate this constant sugar-coating of things. For a start, there is no guarantee children will love you unconditionally. Two of his children hadn't been in touch with him in years and the other blatantly couldn't be bothered with him. It is also not entirely selfless. People have children for various reasons, mostly pertaining to 'I': I want someone to look after me when I am old, I want to pass on my genes, I want a family etc. What I am learning is that whatever choice I make, a great deal of sacrifice is involved. For now at least, I feel that having children would be a greater sacrifice. I will never say never but I can't imagine that I will change so tremendously in the next 7 or 8 years that having children will be something I long for like some of my friends do. I just need to become more comfortable with this discrepency between what I want and what is expected of me as a woman.

Gillybean103

I'm the same as you, i've never been remotely interested in babies or children, i think it's because i'm an only child and have never been around babies and i always felt like i was being watched if there was one around, so just didn't go near. Having children was something we thought we would do one day but were in a 'if it happens it happens frame of mind.
I'm now 23 weeks pregnant and i can honestly say i now find all babies cute and have gone all gaga and buying baby things and already love the little girl that is kicking around in my belly more than anything. I can't explain the feeling that you have a made a little person.

I totally know how you feel and think that its something you should think about seriously but only do it if you are prepared to give up (albeit temporarily) your career

[Deleted User]

Hi Gilly,

I have thought that perhaps one day we will leave it to chance and say 'if it happens, it happens'. However, I cannot imagine finding babies cute as you now do! That would be quite a dramatic departure from how I feel right now, i.e. wanting to be as far away from them as possible! I think there is more to my decision than simply giving up my career temporarily. There's the fact that I have zero maternal desire and am not willing to take the risk that this will come if I become pregnant, as so many people say. There's also the discrepency between the mother's role and the father's role and I'm not too keen on the thought of having to give up so much and spend all day with my child while my partner's life barely changes. I suppose if you wanted a baby enough, these things wouldn't matter at all, but for me, they matter enough to prevent me trying for a baby any time soon. I am trying very hard to see past the sugar-coating of 'children bring you so much joy' and 'there is no experience like it' to see the reality behind peoples' words.

Bluebell1000

Hi Deleted_User, as you can see from my signature I'm now a Mum to a 10 week old boy. I had similar fears to you about having a child. the effect on my career, and I had absolutely no interest in other peoples babies or any signs of a maternal instinct whatsoever! I was actually quite surprised (and relieved) by how natural it felt to bond with my baby when he arrived. I have gone back to work already, and that works well at the moment for balancing work and family. I thinnk I'm a better Mum for having that break from nappies so I can better appreciate the time when I am at home. Not that it would work for everyone, I just felt I should share my experience.

I think it's great that you are taking the time to think things through Children are a huge commitment.... Our main deciding factor was that I'd had enough of the side effects of the contraception I was on, so we decided to see what happened if I stopped using it, which isn't a decision making process I'd necessarily recommend for anyone else.

I do miss some things, like the freedom to just nip out of the house for something (now takes about half an hour of 'baby prep', and the fact that I can't hold hands with my husband while pushing a buggy, but I don't regret the decision.

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide x

[Deleted User]

Thank you Bluebell, I admire your honesty. I have heard of many people who give up contraception and let this be the decision maker. I guess whatever happens when you do so, it is meant to be. It's great that you're back at work already, this is something I would need. Some women love spending the days with their children at home but if I personally decided to have children, I feel that staying at home would make me feel isolated and claustrophobic and would crave adult interaction!

You're right, the decision to have children is not one to be taken lightly. I think some people have children without really considering the implications. I have seen this with one family member who rushed into having a baby and constantly looks overwhelmed and shocked about the commitment involved. I suppose when it comes down to it, the decision to have children is a bit of a calculated risk: do I want to sacrifice my freedom, sleep, finances etc. for the joys involved in seeing my child grow and sharing experiences with them? For many, the answer is a resounding yes, for others, it's just not worth it. For me, the answer is currently no but I'm curious to see whether this will change in the future. Thank you for sharing your experience. x

Lovelyjoolz

Hi Deleted_User

I thought I'd join in because you sound EXACTLY how I was when I was the same age.

At 29 I was married. Before the wedding, we had discussed the fact that I did not want children and couldn't see me changing my mind. We went so far as to adjust the marriage vows (church wedding) to take out all references to children in all the readings and prayers, because as far as I was concerned (and he said he felt the same) children were never going to play a part in our lives.

One year into the marriage and he said, completely out of the blue, "I think its time you came off the pill now, and we start a family". Once I had picked myself up off the floor and recovered myself, I suggested that he cast his mind back to the vows we made and the discussions we had and revise his opinion. We had a tremendous row that evening, as you can imagine, and some of the things he said (along the lines of deathbed-regrets / letting our parents down / missed opportunities etc) really did have me doubting my decision to be CF for a while. I asked myself the same questions that you are asking yourself now, desperately searching my soul for some sign of a maternal instinct. I even began to wonder if I was 'normal' to have no longing for children. Ultimately, that evening was the begining of the end of the marriage. It wasn't the only thing he thought would change after the wedding - I think he expected me to transform into some barefoot-and-pregnant-1950's surrendered wife. Ha!

I don't have a problem with childbirth, really. It's pregnancy that freaks me out. It's essentially a parasite and I find it totally replusive. I feel a real revulsion, a physical sickness when I look at baby scans. I overheard two women discussing their baby's inutero kicks and nearly lost my lunch once. I have a physical aversion to pregnancy. I also dislike intensly the scent of a newborn. I can't walk down the baby aisle in supermarkets because that baby powder smell turns my stomach. And don't get me started on a baby's soft-spot - that really freaks me out!!! :rotfl:

I'm also almost socially !!!!!! with children until they get to be about 6 or so. I have no idea how to relate to them, or talk to them. Everytime I try and talk to my OH nephews I'm sure they just end up thinking I'm weird!

I'm 39 this year and finally people are starting to lay off the "oh you'll change your mind / its different when they are you're own" comments. I do still get the impression that people think I'm odd for not wanting to reproduce though.

The thing is, yes, it might be different with my own - but what if it's not?? What if I turned out to be a rubbish mum? What kind of screwed up sociopath could I end up producing! :eek:

And it's no reflection on my own childhood - I have an amazing relationship with my mum. My life is lovely as it is. I have a wonderful neat and organised house. My career is rewarding and exciting. My OH and I are still like love-struck teenagers 8 years into our relationship, and my pelvic floor muscles have never been compromised (IYSWIM, nudge-nudge ). I can holiday in term-time when flights are cheaper. I don't have to let my colleagues down by rushing off to collect little-johnny from school because he puked. I can lie-in until midday on the weekends and then go for a leisurely lunch and a few drinks. I can decide on a whim to stay out all night and drink champagne at dawn watching the sun come up if I like. I can be mortgage free at 40 and change my car every 2 years if I like, because I haven't spent a fortune on the kids. I don't feel guilty spending £400 on a handbag. Again. If I want pure, unconditional love from someone other than my OH, I'll get a dog. If I want to be ignored, disapproved of, taken advantage of and only approached at feeding time, instead of a teenager, I'll get a cat. (actually, I have two already and they are nicer than teenagers!). My point is, you will have a lovely life if you decide to have children, but you will have an equally lovely life if you decide not to. Don't let societal pressure convince you that only a child will make your life complete.

And when it comes to deathbed regrets - how awful would it be to get to the end of life and regret that you did have children?

[Deleted User]

Wow LovelyJoolz, I think I’m in love with you!! I loved reading your post, it was so utterly refreshing!


First of all, I cannot believe your ex-husband, having expectations that you will jump at the chance to have children after everything you’d agreed, and after altering your wedding vows. I would say that his suggestion you start a family a year into your marriage is a kind of betrayal. He didn’t take your wishes seriously and ultimately lied about what he himself wanted. Also, I hate when people pull the ‘you’ll regret it on your deathbed’ card. The regret of having children is just as likely, but no one ever discusses that. Although not nearly the same, I mentioned the fact I didn’t want children to my OH on our first date five years ago. He was talking about the safety of children or something and asked me how I would keep my children safe. I told him it had never occurred to me and it was something I wouldn’t have to worry about since I didn’t plan on having children. Two years later, I mentioned it again and he said ‘oh, I just assumed you would change your mind’. He didn’t mean to be hurtful but for some very odd reason I’m unaware of, whoever expresses that they don’t want children is met with a ‘just you wait, you’ll change your mind and probably end up with five’. Anyway, he know realises I wasn’t just saying it in passing, that I really meant it. I guess it’s not normal to have no longing for children, but who wants to be normal? I have been told ‘but your child might be the one to discover a cure for cancer!’ My retort is simply that statistically speaking, he or she is far more likely to be a mass murderer since there have been several of them born but, to date, not one person who has found a cure for cancer.

I feel the same way about childbirth as you do about pregnancy, although I do feel a little sick to the stomach whenever I see a baby scan. I deleted my Facebook account as a result of the sheer number of people using sonograms as their profile pictures and flaunting their pregnant bellies for all and sundry. I do not wish to see that. I also don’t like the smell of newborns or how gaga people go for them. I look forward to the day when people stop questioning the choice not to have children. The thing is, undoubtedly you would love your own child more than the random children you come across daily, but you will also experience a lot more anxiety and worry for your own children and go through a lot more with them that is not necessarily all positive.
I love how you described your life and the benefits that come with not having children. I am someone who needs a lot of peace and quiet and I fear that will be a thing of the past if I had children. I imagine that having children means children (your own and others) take over your life and really, I don’t like children all that much! I love animals the way some people love children, and you’re right in saying a dog can give unconditional love (without the strops and constant attention). I’m not of the opinion that having a child will make my life complete, absolutely not. In fact, I know people who believe their lives are worthless and empty without their children, which I think is a real shame, but I’d rather work on myself and my feelings of self-worth than bring a child into the world expecting it to love me unconditionally and compensate for my own lack of self-worth. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences Joolz!