I want to want children, anyone else the same?

Person_one

I suppose this is a pretty weird 'problem'. I'm in my mid twenties and my peers are all starting to settle down and make babies. I have never had any maternal instincts and am really awkward around babies and children, I've always assumed I would never have them.

But I kind of wish I did want them! I feel like I'm going to be left behind as everyone else enters a completely different world, I have a wonderful relationship with my parents and wonder if I'm depriving myself of the same relationship with my own adult children in the future.

If I could skip straight to a relatively self sufficient son or daughter in their late teens early twenties I think I would but I can't get past the thought of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, nappies, toddler tantrums, pretending to be interested in my little ponys or hot wheels, the school run, being a taxi service for years, dealing with stroppy teenagers, stopping them smoking doing drugs or getting pregnant and the never ending drudgery of laundry, cooking and cleaning that was my poor mum's life for so long. Not to mention the loss of identity and freedom.

Do other people not think about these things? Am I way way overthinking the whole thing?

Tigsteroonie

I had always said I only wanted children if I could have them ready-made at age 7, so that I skipped the icky times ... But after 20 years I changed my mind and am now enjoying the gurgling, feeding and pooping bundle that is our son

I'd say don't worry about it (yet).

mrcow

Are you over thinking it?

Well I guess the answer to that will depend on whether you have a boyfriend/husband (who is potential father material) at the moment or not.

If you haven't - then yes you are overthinking it. Find something else to worry about.

Person_one

mrcow wrote: »

Are you over thinking it?

Well I guess the answer to that will depend on whether you have a boyfriend/husband (who is potential father material) at the moment or not.

If you haven't - then yes you are overthinking it. Find something else to worry about.

I live with my partner, who like so many men had always just assumed that marriage and children were his inevitable future. When I told him how I felt about it he agreed that he'd never really thought about it in much depth and got just as freaked out as I always have been! At the moment we're both saying 'never say never' because people change their minds about this all the time and I know women whose body clocks suddenly went beserk at 35ish and they instantly HAD to have babies.

euronorris

How much experience have you actually had looking after babies? Preferably for more than a few hours? ie, overnight.

I'm just asking as the thought of nappies, waking etc can be very scary, but seems very different when you're actually doing it. Sure, they will be days when you would be exhausted and emotional, but equally, there will be days when they are just soooooo cute and lovely that you could literally burst with joy and pride.

I've seen many friends go from one extreme to the other on this issue. Some never wanted kids and then changed their minds, and others did want them, but as they matured they changed their minds.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids anyway.

mrcow

But 35 isn't old to have children.

When I was 25 I was off seeing the world. We travelled everywhere - doing parachute jumps, whalewatching, swimming with dolphins, flying planes, getting promotions at work etc. Having children was the last thing on my mind.

I'm now a Mum of 3 and know that I did things the right way round.

If you don't feel that it's somehting that you both want to do, then don't sweat it. There is probably so much that you do want to do - set your sights on those things.

And come back to the baby question in another 5 years. A lot can change in that time.

ladylegs

What you should ask yourself is why do you care about what everyone else is doing/thinking? You can only live YOUR life...if you don't want children then don't have them. You might change your mind in the future - there is still plenty of time.
Or you might not.
You don't need to pretend, just do what feels right for you in the moment.
Rereading your post, you already have negative preconceptions of parenthood and so it does seem to be a moot point so yes, you are overthinking it.

pigpen

you could always consider fostering older children? There are often many many children in their teens who need a loving home, granted many have issues to work through but it is an idea.

You missed off being loved unconditionally, watching your very own little creation blossom from an almost inanimate object into a fully understanding articulate beautiful human being greeting the world with the values you have instilled. You missed off being told 'I love you' and 'you are the most beautiful mummy in the world' and the feeling of loving a single individual so much you feel your heart could literally burst. Snuggling up the smell and feel of a tiny defenceless newborn is to die for... and you would. Childbirth is a doddle.. I have 8 children.. if it was so bad.. and I ended up with post traumatic stress TWICE!.. people would only ever have one. You are needed.. for bum wiping and nose wiping and hugging better because noone else is good enough.

As for freedom, you are as tied as you allow yourself to be.. I've done college courses, became a breastfeeding counsellor, a school governor, had weekends away with my mum, and sometimes a couple of the children. We've been out as a mob to the seaside, to the panto, to the cinema.. children are a fabulous excuse for panto's and Disney films .. My OH chipped in then saying he got to go see Enchanted at the cinema with a friend and her 10 year old daughter.. there is no way he felt he could go alone..

It looks to me like you are focussing on the less fun parts of being a parent when there are so very many wonderful aspects to parenthood.

Society has a different view of you as a parent as well.. you are suddenly 'an adult'.. as a non-parent you are deemed irresponsible/selfish/unstable etc.. as a parent you become part of a whole new level of society, like you have somehow 'come of age'.. That said, many many people do not have their children now until their mid-late thirties, by which scale you have another 10 years to watch your friends.. What I will warn you of is.. if they have children NOW and you wait 10 years, they will be regaining their independance when you are tied to a newborn and you may then feel left out of that same circle as friends as you do now.. for example my mother had me when she was 20 same as all her friends... her friends had no more children but she had my sisters at 30 and 34, by this time everyone she knew had independant children yet she hated being stuck home with the 2 younger ones. BUT.. you make new friends and some of the old ones do stick around, but as the childless one you will be unofficially expected to do all the legwork!

Only you can decide when or if there is a right time for you to have children.. I just wanted to point out some of the positive aspects and maybe give you a few more things to consider.. don't rush or be pressured into something right now that you do not want to do, take time to consider the options you do have a good few years ahead!

and yes.. you are overthinking it lol

grastgirl

You're not the only one. I'm 30, engaged and still saying to my OH, "I may never want children you know". Personally it's the fear of pregnancy, labour and what it does to your body that most puts me off, although all the things you mention are factors too. Thankfully my brother is starting a family, so I don't feel as much pressure from family as I was beginning to.

When you've spent some time with the children of your friends you might feel differently, I like kids at about the age of three (old enough to talk and be engaging, and hopefully toilet trained, but young enough to wonder at the world).

Curious_George_2

your only mid 20s. women are popping out babies into thier late 40's these days (and in some cases a lot older) so you have plenty of time to decide what you want, yu might change your mind, you might not
but whatever you do, do not feel pressurised by anyone into having a child you dont want 100%

I fund out a few years ago that a friend of my mothers had a child simply because it was 'expected' of her, and to make things worse she had another one because people kept mentioning the only child thing!!!!
i lost all respect for her,

having children is a very personal thing and no matter what anyone else says its YOU who will have to look after them,
personally i love it, my kids are my life and i always knew i wanted to be a mother, but there are moments when i wish i could just go on holiday without a care, or get drunk on a saturday night, sleep all day sunday, instead of staying in every weekend babysitterless

you have SO much time to make your mind up... whos to say in 10 years time you wont wake up one day and really want a baby? i know a few very unmaternal women who suddenly did this and couldnt be happier

Jo_R_2

I wasn't maternal at all up untl I was your age. I hated the thought of having children, being pregnant. I was having a great time, had been at uni for a few years, working as well, met loads of new people, was pretty much carefree, and had no plans to have children, or get married, or anything like that.

Then I 'accidentally' fell pregnant. Cue a whole change of mindset - all of a sudden what nappies to use and what sling to buy seemed more important than anything else in the world LOL!:D

I think the long list of things you mention were your mum's life for so long, yes they are integral parts of being a parent, BUT it doesn't have to mean you lose your identity and freedom. I'd say things maybe scale down, but that doesn't mean you stop going out to, say, meet friends, go for a drink, go shopping, go on couple holidays, seeing bands, and so on (picking random things here, add your own particular interests.) They just fit in around being a parent. You find a balance - even with three young kids (5, 3 and 11 months) I still do nights out, see friends and so on. Of course I can't do everything but that's fine.

I used to think I couldn't stand it - but I can LOL! But it's good you're aware of your feelings - and that they may - or may not - change. I believe people are fluid, ever-changing, especially through your teens/twenties and into your thirties particularly, and if that's how you feel now - then that's fine. Nothing wrong with that. Just carry on with your life and don't spoil the now by worrying about something which isn't an issue right now.