I want to want children, anyone else the same?

weezl74

ceridwen wrote: »

Maybe something useful for the World?

Yep - I'm serious.

There have been several times where I've been thinking "What a promising young woman" about some woman I have met and wondering just what way she is going to "make her mark on the world" - as she's clearly got so much going for her. Then she's decided to have a child - and I've thought "Oh no....she could have done SO much...and helped out the World as a whole so much and now she probably never will - or, at the very least, she will achieve so much less than she is capable of" and felt disappointed that everyone else has lost so much to "mummyhood" from such a capable young woman.

That doesnt seem to happen nearly as much to men - one can look at a promising young man and know he probably will achieve his potential still - even if he has children.

Hello Ceridwen,:D

I understand what you're saying about loss of potential through parenthood. I think it is very affirming of younger women to think of us in that way.

I wanted to add as well that for some women parenthood marks the end of a useful contribution to society, but for others it may be just the start?

example:

For me, I am good at being frugal, but have always struggled to be generous.

I deliberately asked life/the universe/god (however people understand such things) to use the coming of my son to make me more generous. My belief is that something as stretching as childbirth and child rearing can only leave me with a greater capacity for life than I had before. Just as my tummy will never return to the small flat one I had at 20, who says my soul can't stay stretched too? If I choose to and if I'm diligent and not lazy, I think it can.

Anyhow, last month my DH asked how I felt about us giving a donation to Haiti. And I think he was surprised by my agreement and the amount I suggested. I am not trying to sound virtuous:o, just a bit better than I was at giving.

I am sorry if that seemed a bit off topic, OP but you have obviously asked the question because you want to prompt a 2 sided debate, and I think that means hearing from thoughtful parents and thoughtful non-parents. And I felt it'd be letting you down not to post heartfelt thoughts just out of fear of being controversial or off topic!

And I wish you all the very best with whichever way you decide to go....

Weezl x

Molly41

Our whole purpose is to reproduce. Its what mammals do! But then Im biased as Im a midwife by trade and have four children myself. I too would like a link to the research that pregnancy and childbirth damages the body. Pregnancy and birth is a rite of passage both physically and mentally and yes this means changes - mentally and physically - but damage? I know that pregnancy and birth confers health benefits such as reducing the risk of certain cancers and for those with raging hormones pregnancy can calm down post birth.

kettlefish

I think it depends who your friends are as to whether you feel 'weird' or not. I feel strange amongst my friends for openly admitting I want a big family... Most of the friends I have are busy building careers and spending their money on clothes and takeaways whilst living with their parents, and don't even think about it. However I have been married for 4 months with our own home, which was seen as very 'odd' amongst our circle, we had to answer a lot of critisicm about losing our individual identities, becoming boring etc. I imagine we will be the first (possibly only?) in the group to have children which will probably be viewed in the same way as marriage!! Whilst I recognise the importance of education and hope to build myself a successful career as a nurse, part of the reason I have chosen this is for the possibility of working reduced hours/flexi time/school nursing when sprogs arrive. I am 21.

pigpen

Dee123 wrote: »

Originally Posted by pigpen
Society has a different view of you as a parent as well.. you are suddenly 'an adult'.. as a non-parent you are deemed irresponsible/selfish/unstable etc.. as a parent you become part of a whole new level of society, like you have somehow 'come of age'..

One in four people won't be having any children. That's an awful lot of unstable people. Did you ever consider that women who's body clock doesn't kick in might be the more stable ones as they are not being overwhelmed by hormones telling them to do something?

did you consider it wasn't MY opinion I was writing.. as it states quite explicitly in the post.. ???

I couldn't care less who does or doesn't have children but having seen the transformation of attitude to those who do have chidren and having spoken to other people that is the general consensus.. basically you are by many in society see as nothing more than a 'big child' until you have your own children..

glossgal

You're not strange OP you just have the misfortune of being in a minority when it comes to reproducing! I also don't want kids and if I had a pound for everyone who said "good for you-do whatever you want" I'd be a millionaire. If I had a pound for everyone of those people that genuinely meant it/thought it I would be a pauper! My point being that you will be judged as a bit odd by most people unless they feel the same and you will question yourself.

I'm a few yrs older than you and too question myself sometimes. However I then get angry with myself because I KNOW that I dont want children and have felt this way since I was about 8! It does get to you but then I get over it and become more determined to put two fingers up to the conventional bores who can't see past the stereotypical lifestyle. The most interesting people I know are childless anyway

Also, a general point-reproducing may be 'what we do' but if everyone in the world who could have kids did then it would implode due to lack of resources. So there

ceridwen

Hiya Weezl (who - as we all know - is one extremely capable young woman:))

Okays - a valid point you make re personal development of the woman concerned - one you realised I would certainly understand/approve of.:)

ceridwen

pigpen wrote: »

I couldn't care less who does or doesn't have children but having seen the transformation of attitude to those who do have chidren and having spoken to other people that is the general consensus.. basically you are by many in society see as nothing more than a 'big child' until you have your own children..

Hmmm...I wouldnt actually agree with that myself. Okay - I can only look at this through the eyes of a childless person (so dont know how I would have been viewed if I had had children IYSWIM).

Personally - I found that, at some point during my 30s, that people generally began treating me as an "adult". It was annoying that they didnt do so before then - but I can see that people in their 20s vary so much in maturity (whether they do or dont have children). I certainly dont automatically regard people as more or less "adult-like" depending on whether they have children or no. After all - some of the people who DO have children are little more than children themselves. My heart sinks when I see someone who looks only about late teens pushing round a baby - and yes it does tend to be the older mothers I see with children who are looking as I expect a mother to look (ie happy with life and acting happy/caring towards the child).

So - OP - you will certainly be treated as an "adult" at some point in your 30s regardless of whether you have children or no - in my experience. You may be treated as an "adult" sooner - in my case it probably took longer because of a combination of not having my own home (financial reason) and the fact that I have always looked young for my age:) (in my 20s therefore many people who had had a harder life than me probably still thought I was a teenager).

HariboJunkie

OP, this kind of thread will always raise some vociferous arguments, in particular from the people who seem to genuinely believe that their decision to NOT have children makes them a better person.
Please do make whatever decision you like as it is your choice alone but please also steer clear of some of these arguments on here. They are less than helpful imo.
I am horrified to hear such scaremongering as the idea that a mother's body is irrepairably damaged and that a mother will never achieve her full potential in life. What kind of awful message does that give young women who legitimately want to settle down with a man they love and have children? As for the environmental argument. I would be more inclined to take that seriously from someone who has decided to sacrifice their desire for children in order to save the planet, not someone who, by their own admission, never had a maternal bone in their body.:cool:

Personally speaking, I consider myself lucky to have met a man who loves me and whom I love deeply and we are blessed that we have made a family together.It was what we both wanted but it certainly doesn't make me a better person than someone who doesn't, for whatever reason, choose that life. I am surrounded by love every day and fail to see how I have fallen short of any potential I had before I became a mother. I contribute to society in many more ways than I did before. My body is not irrepairably damaged because I received excellent anti and post natal care and any physical changes I have sustained are a small price to pay for having my girls. Luckily I am not a vain person who really cares about such things anyway;).

By all means have a sensible debate on this subject but please be aware that there will be people whose arguments are based on very personal experience and who are very anti parenthood. It is a very personal choice and I for one would never judge anyone for making a decision either way.

And good luck Weezl.... :j

SandC

Well I don't think I'm here to make some sort of mark on the world and I was always destined not to have children.

I feel it is a personal choice and I've never understood why some parents seem to find it so offensive that some women just don't fancy it and try to change their minds about it. Seriously, what is it to them, how on earth does it affect them in any way if someone else doesn't have any children.

I do not think it matters a jot what childbirth multiple or otherwise does to the body. I do think motherhood is a wonderful thing and all my friends who have kids do it fantastically and their children are really quite nice.

I am not a high flier, career woman. I have a job which is fine and I am comfortably off living well within my means. I hate the way I sometimes feel I am expected one way or the other to be either a mother or a high flier but neither???? Maybe it's the perception that putting off babies is because of career - in actual fact I've never met anyone who has put off having a child if they wanted one cos of their job.

I think these days there is a lot less pressure on all of us women. I don't think we are expected to do it all any more. Yes, I have noticed that priorities change after having children - but what is wrong with that?

SandC

Molly41 wrote: »

Our whole purpose is to reproduce. Its what mammals do! But then Im biased as Im a midwife by trade and have four children myself. I too would like a link to the research that pregnancy and childbirth damages the body. Pregnancy and birth is a rite of passage both physically and mentally and yes this means changes - mentally and physically - but damage? I know that pregnancy and birth confers health benefits such as reducing the risk of certain cancers and for those with raging hormones pregnancy can calm down post birth.

Yeah but if we did the whole thing like nature intended we'd just be having babies all the time until our bodies decided to stop.

So as we do have contraception and most people use it for long periods of their adult lives, whether parents or not, then it is no more going against nature to have no children than it is to have one or two.