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I want to want children, anyone else the same?

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  • red_devil
    red_devil Posts: 10,793 Forumite
    catkins wrote: »
    I have been thinking about friends, family, colleagues etc, whether they have children, how long they have been married and whether they have been married before. Interestingly the figures are:

    Couples with children and still married : 5

    Couples with children (1 partner at least on 2nd marriage) : 8

    Couples with children (1 partner at least on 3rd marriage) : 4

    Couples without children and still married (no divorces) : 8

    A lot of divorced people I know say that having children contributed greatly to the marriage failing.

    It's interesting also that I know no couples without children who have been divorced before. I am only counting couples who have been married at least 10 years

    i do kind of agree that most couples stresses are to do with having children. When you read problems etc its mostly down to kids, thats not to say people without kids dont have problems but hopefully you know what i mean?

    To be super rich must be great if you want children at least you dont have to worry about money?
    :footie:
  • Fire_Fox
    Fire_Fox Posts: 26,026 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited 3 February 2010 at 1:41PM
    Molly41 wrote: »
    Our whole purpose is to reproduce. Its what mammals do! But then Im biased as Im a midwife by trade and have four children myself. I too would like a link to the research that pregnancy and childbirth damages the body. Pregnancy and birth is a rite of passage both physically and mentally and yes this means changes - mentally and physically - but damage? I know that pregnancy and birth confers health benefits such as reducing the risk of certain cancers and for those with raging hormones pregnancy can calm down post birth.

    Your whole purpose in life in life may be to reproduce or to help others to choose to tread that same path. I have consciously chosen my own way - as have many others who are posting on this thread - through contraception! You cannot possibly be unaware of the third world women who die during childbirth, as the result of an infection shortly afterwards or are ostracized by their communities due to fistulas. That experience is far more common, more 'natural' and more brutal than the sterile hospital experience of the Western world.

    "Every minute, at least one woman dies from complications related to pregnancy or childbirth – that means 529 000 women a year. In addition, for every woman who dies in childbirth, around 20 more suffer injury, infection or disease – approximately 10 million women each year.

    Five direct complications account for more than 70% of maternal deaths: haemorrhage (25%), infection (15%), unsafe abortion (13%), eclampsia (very high blood pressure leading to seizures – 12%), and obstructed labour (8%). While these are the main causes of maternal death, unavailable, inaccessible, unaffordable, or poor quality care is fundamentally responsible. They are detrimental to social development and wellbeing, as some one million children are left motherless each year. These children are 10 times more likely to die within two years of their mothers' death."
    http://www.who.int/features/qa/12/en/index.html
    Declutterbug-in-progress.⭐️⭐️⭐️ ⭐️⭐️
  • fay144
    fay144 Posts: 796 Forumite
    I always assumed that I'd have my first child when I turned 28. It was only when I got married at 26 that I realised just how close and horrifying that seemed.

    I'm 28 now, and just can't imagine ever having children. I think my sense of identity is (probably too) tied up to my hobbies and interests in life - almost all of which I'd immediately have to give up on pregnancy (I'm talking about "extreme" sports, btw, not booze!). If I got pregnant there would be nothing left of my current life, and IMO, nothing to look forward to except the time when I could get it all back.

    However, the idea that woman cannot contribute to society after having children is nonsense, IMO. After the initial few months, there is no physical reason why children should hold women back any more than men, and legislation is increasingly closing the social gap to make this so. I know women who split their childcare evenly with their husbands and successfully hold high stress managment level positions.

    If I don't have kids, it won't be to dedicate my life to bettering the world. It will be because I want to continue to run marathons, go snowboarding, mountain biking, and dive shipwrecks. It is certainly no reason to feel smug or superior.
  • pie81
    pie81 Posts: 530 Forumite
    To the OP... I would agree with the posters above who have said, you're still young, don't worry about it yet, your views may change as you get older.

    When I was in my early twenties I felt similarly to you. I wanted to want children, because "it's normal" and because of the longer term benefits of having older kids ... but I couldn't get interested in small children.

    Since then (I'm now 29) my interest in younger kids has slowly grown. A few years ago I started finding them interesting from the age of about 5 upwards... then it was 2 upwards... I'm now finding them engaging from about 11 months onwards. Younger than that, I still don't really get it, but I'm guessing that will change over the next year or two. Of course, I still think it will be a ridiculous amount of hard work and will in many ways ruin my and my OH's currently comfortable life... but I'm starting to see why people think it's all worth it.

    So in summary: don't worry about it just yet, you'd be surprised how your views may change. Especially once you get more exposure to children and babies and start seeing the positives as well as just the obvious negatives.
  • euronorris
    euronorris Posts: 12,247 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper PPI Party Pooper
    catkins wrote: »
    I have been thinking about friends, family, colleagues etc, whether they have children, how long they have been married and whether they have been married before. Interestingly the figures are:

    Couples with children and still married : 5

    Couples with children (1 partner at least on 2nd marriage) : 8

    Couples with children (1 partner at least on 3rd marriage) : 4

    Couples without children and still married (no divorces) : 8

    A lot of divorced people I know say that having children contributed greatly to the marriage failing.

    It's interesting also that I know no couples without children who have been divorced before. I am only counting couples who have been married at least 10 years

    I think the reason the marriages failed when the children came along is because a) they had issues before the children and they had not been addressed properly and b) having the children may have been used as a 'band aid' for the relationship.

    Having children certainly changes a relationship and puts it under a lot of strain. If there are already issues in the relationship, then they will only become worse. However, if they have issues, and don't have children, then they may have the extra time to either work through these, or they are simply ignored, or possibly left just a little longer until divorce looms anyway. Tricky.

    I don't think enough couples really communicate enough before having kids (or after). Or getting married for that matter.

    But, I don't think that having children alone detroys any marriage. It can be a contributing factor, yes, but not the only factor.

    Am interested in why you're only counting marriages of 10 years or longer though? Doesn't that skew the picture a bit? And was this applied to all the couples in your post, or just the ones without kids?
    February wins: Theatre tickets
  • SandC
    SandC Posts: 3,929 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts
    Interestingly, both my brother and sis in law think that if they hadn't had my nephew they would probably not have gone the distance with each other. As they had a child together they worked through issues when it would have been easier just to walk away if they didn't have a child to consider in all of it.
  • weezl74
    weezl74 Posts: 8,701 Forumite
    Perhaps that very same young person's offspring will go on to "help the World" because you know even parents and their children have their place in the "World".

    Probably just as well you didn't have children as you seem to have so much anger in you regarding children and their mothers.

    Hi EL,:)

    I know ceridwen posted an unpopular opinion, but I honestly know that she is not anti children or their mothers. She sent me a touching and very thoughtful gift when my son was born and I rather wonder if she has been misunderstood in the debate a little?

    Just a thought. The internet is such a hard place to interpret tone, facial expression and all sorts of things I feel.


    Love weezl x

    :hello:Jonathan 'Fergie' Fergus William, born 05/03/09, 7lb 4.4oz:hello:
    :)Benjamin 'Kezzie' Kester Jacob, born 18/03/10, 7lb 5oz:)
    cash neutral gifts 2011, value of purchased gifts/actual paid/amount earnt to cover it £67/£3.60/£0
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  • pie81 wrote: »
    but I couldn't get interested in small children.

    Since then my interest in younger kids has slowly grown. A few years ago I started finding them interesting from the age of about 5 upwards... then it was 2 upwards... I'm now finding them engaging from about 11 months onwards.

    if it helps you at all... i find it hard to judge what my life would be like from looking at other peoples children, I worked in a supermarket and most children i saw were pasty sticky little monsters with coke in their bottles, covered in jewellery and screaming their heads off at the stressed out shouty parents *shudder*
    if this is what you see everyday you might start to think oh god... what if thats what its like for everyone???

    well it isnt, i still dont much like other peoples children in general (some i do.... but not "all" by a l-o-n-g way!) infact ive just had to stop attending my favourite toddler group cos 2 of the kids are that obnoxious! im not going back til they have gone off to pre school...
    but my children are raised the way i want them to be, so i like mine! and have found them endlessly fascinating from the moment i found out i was pregnant,
    my ex had never even held a baby before we had DD, he had no idea what to do or how to react around her for the first few months til she got a bit more sturdy and started doing things... then he became a great dad,
    and for the information of one of the above posters... we didnt split up because we had DD, we split cos he was a d!ck... :)
  • ninky_2
    ninky_2 Posts: 5,872 Forumite
    catkins wrote: »
    I do not have children although I like children very much. Myself and my husband decided for many reasons not to have them, not least the fact that the world is overpopulated and we do not want to add to that.

    I have been married over 30 years and am in my mid 50's. I can honestly say I have never ever regretted not having children (most of my family and friends told me I would!) but I have met many woman (and men) who do regret having children. I know which group I would rather be in.

    thanks catkins. it's great to hear this point of view. i think some have children because although they don't want them at the time they worry they will regret it later. i'm of the view if you have had a happy adult life so far there is no reason why you can't continue to have one without children. also, i think hormones change in later life and the urge to nuture children wanes.
    Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves. - Lord Byron
  • renowen
    renowen Posts: 267 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Combo Breaker
    Im 39 weeks pregnant with my 3rd and I STILL get all those worries and fears! Especially as my youngest is now 3 and I finally have my house bottle and nappy free .... .only to be starting all over again very soon!

    I think your actually rather sensible to be thinking these things now, many jump head first into parenthood without ever really considering what goes along with it - just remember for every negative there are at least 3 positives.

    And it is possible to not like kids, but LOVE your own to pieces! Before my eldest I had zero experience of babies, in fact they bored me to tears! But I certainly didnt find my own little bundle boring, I could sit for hours just watching her sleep and wriggle about!

    Dont feel pressured into having a family now, you still have plenty of time, and everyone has worries and fears (at least the sensible people do!) so just enjoy your life as it is now and relax!
    xx
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