I want to want children, anyone else the same?

HariboJunkie

ceridwen wrote: »

Any minute now I can feel the comment coming on from someone to the effect of "gotta keep the human race going....." - errrr.......no-one has ever yet explained WHY to me about that one:rotfl::rotfl:It just gets taken by some people as self-evidently good - when actually every other species on the Planet and Gaia herself would more than likely "breathe a huge sigh of relief" at not having us here if it came to it....:cool:.

Seriously though - very few people seem to get that it basically doesnt matter very much at all what people do or dont do - as long as there arent many people in the first place (ie no overpopulation). I do sometimes wonder why I bother trying at being at all "green" - when the next thing I know is someone else will be busy expecting to be congratulated on having another child (when they've already had two). I can be tactful sometimes - I just keep my mouth shut and say nothing at all at that point...

But isn't it actually very easy for people who have no maternal instincts whatsoever to say how many children people should have? Perhaps if you were familiar with the feelings of the majority of woman who do wish to bear children as part of a happy family, you would be happier to congratulate those who choose to expand their family. As I said before I cannot think of any reason why I would have a problem with someone choosing not to have a child. I see no shame in not having any maternal instinct so I really don't know why some people hide their lack of maternal instinct behind the idea that they are saving the planet. You do realise that your friends that you "tactfully" refuse to congratulate because they have dared to procreate three times make not one jot of difference to the state of the planet when compared with the population explosions in China and India, don't you? :cool:
I understand that some posters on here have had negative comments about their choice not to have children but I have not and never will be someone who makes such comments. It would be nice if that courtesy could work both ways.
I have to say I'm still in shock that anyone would think that the act of motherhood automatically limits a woman's potential:eek:. I thought we were in the 21st Century..... Perhaps you base this comment on the fact that you are a particularly high achiever in life? I hadn't realised that but I have to say that even if you are, you will have no way of proving that that is because you chose not to reproduce.

HariboJunkie

ceridwen wrote: »

Well - actually - that comment is precisely why those of us who have made a deliberate decision NOT to have children had to come on and start commenting - ie the fact that before we did so this thread was entirely unbalanced and was threatening to turn into post after post after post doing exactly that - ie "bullying" OP into having children whether she herself wants to or not:cool:

Far better to come on a tell the OP that the planet is overpopulated, her body will be ruined, she will be a matryr to her hormones and any potential she had to matter in the world will be gone etc etc....

Much more balanced.

ceridwen

weezl74 wrote: »

Hi EL,:)

I know ceridwen posted an unpopular opinion, but I honestly know that she is not anti children or their mothers. She sent me a touching and very thoughtful gift when my son was born and I rather wonder if she has been misunderstood in the debate a little?

Just a thought. The internet is such a hard place to interpret tone, facial expression and all sorts of things I feel.

Love weezl x

AW! AW! AW! Thanks our Weezl...

....and, yep...for the record...though our Weezl might have just worked this out by now....but if I had HAD a daughter...then our Weezl is exactly what I would have chosen as a person to fill this "position". I dont necessarily agree with everything she says - but I DO know that she has thought it through carefully and is exactly the sort of person I would have been very proud to have as a daughter:)

Sorrees....weezl...you can stop blushing now:rotfl:

Nitha

I know a woman in her forties without kids who has the most amazing life and a wonderful stable marriage. She travels alot and goes out with her hubby. Not having kids doesn't mean being unfulfilled. Better than having kids and resenting them.

andrealm

ceridwen wrote: »

Well - actually - that comment is precisely why those of us who have made a deliberate decision NOT to have children had to come on and start commenting - ie the fact that before we did so this thread was entirely unbalanced and was threatening to turn into post after post after post doing exactly that - ie "bullying" OP into having children whether she herself wants to or not:cool:

Where has anyone tried to "bully" the OP into having children?

I'd say the vast majority of posters who do have children themselves were giving a far more balanced response than some of those who don't have children.

I'd never dream of criticising anyone who knows they don't want children or trying to persuade them they should have them, I'd respect their decision but there are some posters who don't seem to respect the decisions of others to have children.

Person_one

HariboJunkie wrote: »

I have to say I'm still in shock that anyone would think that the act of motherhood automatically limits a woman's potential:eek:. I thought we were in the 21st Century..... Perhaps you base this comment on the fact that you are a particularly high achiever in life? I hadn't realised that but I have to say that even if you are, you will have no way of proving that that is because you chose not to reproduce.

Unfortunately the 21st Century hasn't delivered much yet in the way of equality between parents of different sexes! The article I linked to earlier on included the statistic that working non-mothers earn 95% of what men do on average. Working mothers only earn 75%. Maternity leave is massively unequal and pretty much requires that its the mother who makes most of the career sacrifices to raise children, at least early on. Most of the people in higher up positions in government and big business are men and I'm fairly certain that a huge part of that is that child rearing is still seen as mainly a woman's responsibility and her career, even if she continues in it, often has to take a much lower priority.

Its a vicious circle really because women's wages generally are lower to start off with so when a couple has children it often makes sense for her job to be the one that goes because it brings less money in anyway. Sexism is rife in the world of work, I'm getting concerned at the moment because I'm about to be job hunting and as a woman of prime child bearing age I'm a bit concerned that employers would be wary of hiring me in case I go off on maternity leave! Its a valid concern as even on these forums employers have admitted they would discriminate in this way.

The inequalities of parenthood are a big issue for me I must admit. Even though I am lucky to have an OH who has said he would be happiest for us to both to go part time and split the childcare 50/50 if we ever did have them. I was in Scandinavia recently and things are much better over there. More parental leave for both parents and better support for both parents to return to work.

Person_one

andrealm wrote: »

Where has anyone tried to "bully" the OP into having children?

I'd say the vast majority of posters who do have children themselves were giving a far more balanced response than some of those who don't have children.

I'd never dream of criticising anyone who knows they don't want children or trying to persuade them they should have them, I'd respect their decision but there are some posters who don't seem to respect the decisions of others to have children.

For the record, I haven't felt bullied by anybody, although I wasn't terribly happy about the comment from the midwife who thought that reproducing was the point of existing. I didn't realised we'd solved that particular mystery yet!

Its great to hear opinions and experiences from all sides of the issue. Its quite telling that mums feel they are sometimes looked down on for their choice and child free women feel they are judged for theirs. Maybe it just goes to show we can never win one way or the other and we should just be happy knowing we made the right choice for ourselves and our own lives.

(Which sounds great, now I just wish I knew what the right choice was. Oh well, plenty of time for that!)

princess_loki

postingalwaysposting wrote: »

Hi all, I have been reading with interest and thought I would pop my opinion 'out there'. I am also in my mid twenties, single and childfree by choice. I have never wanted children of my own, and thats a lot more different than 'I dont want children'.

I decided very young ie sub 8years old that I would never have my own biological children. I even shocked my mother and told her at only 11years old that if she ever wanted biological grandchildren she was looking at the wrong daughter. This as you can imagine caused a huge rift in my household but my opinion has never ever changed. However if my opinion does change in latter years then I am fine with that But I think it would be a very rare occurrence :rotfl:

That doesn't mean I dont feel maternal and that I don't want to adopt/foster. I believe I could do a jolly good job of raising/guiding a child to the point where I can't see myself without a child in my life somewhere down the line. The point is I don't want any biological children and if I ever found out I was pregnant I would go against my (lapsed) faith and terminate the pregnacy. Now deciding to be 'childfree' is one thing however trying to explain to people you want to be 'bio-childfree' is something completly different.

Finally someone that i agree with!! am now 32 and think the same. I wouldn't become accidentially pregnant because i have the implant but do think that even though in a stable relationship i would do the same as you. my oh has kids from previous relationships who we see every couple of months. i feel that with his illnesses we would be better to foster and he agreed! my long term lodger (who i will not kick out) will leave in the next couple of years and fostering is the route we hope to follow :-)

skintchick

Ceridwen said something along the lines of men being the achievers in life, and inplying that's because they don;t bear children.

I think that depends on what you adjudge to be achievement.

I've had a great career, but now I have a daughter and I think the greatest thing I can do is bring her up to be a happy, loved and loving person.

My career pales in comparison, and I really loved my career. It defined me. But now motherhood defines me and I don;t see that as a negative thing.

It all depends on where you stand on achievement and greatness, I suppose.

alyth

I think I am also defined by my child-free-ness (if there is such a word). I am who I am, I don't have to have children to look after me in later life, I have freedom, at the age of 40 I still have to call on my parents to help me with certain things (DIY from my dad mainly!) but I have chosen this lifestyle, I can't ever remember a time when I wanted children, I can't even bear to be in a room with kids, I've held two and they were my brothers!

I will be going to be sterilised soon, it's a decision I have made, and it closes a door for me.

And I would add to the argument that people say that who is going to "pay into the pot" for pensions, etc, there will always be many more people that have children than those that don't - the problem in a few years time will be an aged population rather than too many children. Those that choose not to have children are in quite a small minority, by making our decision we're not going to deprive someone in 50 years time of not having a pension.