I want to want children, anyone else the same?

In_Search_Of_Me

Firstly to Person one...dont do anything re children until youre sure! Secondly, lets all take a breath and respect each other and read posts before running a massive rant eh! As one just hit 40 with no children I count myself blessed in many ways...I get yummy babies but also get to hand them back...even the yummy Ferg (aka Weezl's son) who I adore to the point of popping is happily returned to mummy so I can go home for a snooze...children are flipping hard work; cost alot and regardless of career do affect your job prospects - not because you fail to function (although baby brain is a known phenomenon and, for those slating posters, if it affects the genius brain that is weezl I'm happy to believe) but also because women will genrally be the one that takes time off to look after little xxx and it affects work in that way so womens prospects are adversely affected...
If you dont want children then dont have them. Never have one for the wrong reasons (people put pressure on; to get a house (wish I was joking with that one but alas cant) and because it was the done thing to do). I have seen the effects of trauma on children too many times and its lifelong damage for some - not irreprable in most cases but definately causes harm.
Children are precious; there are already thousands needing a home (some damaged through neglect, abuse, violence to name a few) and they need all the energy/money/resilence and resources you own for quite a while so not sommat that you should do unless you really want to...
I love kids and despite spending much of my life caring for them in one way or another, am ironically not in a position to have them; it makes me sad but thats the way it is..nowt right or wrong just "is"..BUT this way I get to love children,work for them/use my expertise and support parents practically and emotionally in a way someone with a child wouldnt be able to (could never have worked those hours with a child or husband!!) but have the freedom of my single life! Not to say I wouldnt love to have one (although happy to adopt-no desire to push one out of that hole!) but its probably not to be but thats ok...
So theres my penneth - in short do it when its the right time not because you feel you should....and good luck..whatever you decide because there will ALWAYS be some judgemental so and so who feels they have a right to tell you how to live your life!! Sort your own head out and leave them to it is the best way to go!!

Souk08

What a lovley post ISOM! I just feel that the OP is so young and has her whole life ahead to have or not have kids as she pleases. Obv there are pros and cons to having them at different ages and pros or cons to having them at all. I have been told I am not normal for not wanting them but I feel we should all be able to make our own choices and as someone who has been lucky enough to visit countries where women don't have these choices, how's about we stop being so nasty to each other and support each other a bit more?

For me personally I won't be having kids. I'm 31 and see a life of being a fab friend and a great auntie ahead of me but no kids of my own as I like things the way they are and want total freedom in my life. However I have a few friends who have amazing kids and I play a part in their lives too. It's totally exhausting and I don't know how some people do it so well. I couldn't! Good luck in whatever you do OP. For some the grass is always greener but I have never felt like this. When you enjoy what you do and make it good, then that's all you can wish for.

mummy_Jay

ceridwen wrote: »

Good for you.

I must say the only reason I could actually think of to HAVE children would be to help counterbalance all the unwanted/unloved/etc ones that there are. It is good to see children that are obviously loved/cared for/etc - and it is very easy to see the difference between these children and the ones that seem to have been born more out of "accident"/or to provide a Social Welfare mealticket for the mother.

My DS was an accident, that doesn't make his unwanted or unloved, he just made him a surprise. Please don't judge so hard on those of us, who didn't plan it.
I would also point out that though you can get pregnant by accident, doesn't force you into being a mum we have choice now. So IMO every child is born out of choice even if they weren't planned. And for this reason every child is wanted and loved or their mother wouldn't have chosen to have them. OK once the childs arrive sometimes through one thing and another this may not work out everytime, but I would like to believe, if you chose to have one, its cos you want it.

As for Person_one comments on career I wish I could disagree with you but I can't. Motherhood sent my career backwards. The reasons being to work I require childcare which means set hours -employers like flexability in your hours, travel abroad I chose not to though I know mums that do but they can't just go they need time to arrange cover - employers want to be able to tell you to just go get on a plane not have to give you a weeks notice or you say no. I am seen to be 3 times more likely to be off work due to illness (ie myself, my ds or my childcare), though I can get childcare or DS illness covered within say half a day, it still seen as an inconvience. But all you need is the employer to have one mum push the limits of time off for her little one and all the mums in the business are tared with the same brush. I have been asked by employers if I'd liked to have more kids, and found that as a single parent (particularly as a single one) I get shoved to the top of the redundancy list and bottom of the the employment list (to the point of having to take an almost 10K pay cut to get a job after being made redundant when DS was 1).
But something happens when you become a mum, you get rewired, you refocus your life to fit around that child, so taking a pay cut or sacrifising your career abit to have more time and a better work/family balance becomes the right thing for you. Parenthood is about compromise/sacrifise but for me it was so worth it, I can't think of anything more wonderful than time with my DS, watching him grow, teaching him, seeing what a wonderful man he's going to grow into.

SandC

There is still inequality in the work place between men and women whether you have children or not. But it's always going to be the women having the babies. There are a minority who will hand over the child to the partner while they go back to work a week or two after giving birth but I suspect these would be mainly business owners.

You have to have a massive support network at home for a senior person in a company to be able to continue doing their jobs as they did before once you've had a baby. And let's face it, mostly the priorities shift and women no longer want to be at the office til 8pm every day and out of the country ever other week. But that particular job still needs doing so they either continue to do so and let the childcare be dealt with elsewhere or they reprioritise and that is what leads to business leaders being more male dominated.

As for the pension pot issues - well it looks like we are increasingly going to be working later and later in life, potentially into our seventies before drawing a government pension - or maybe that will end up means tested - who knows. So we won't be leaving our jobs open to the young ones like we did. Heck it is even starting to seem a long time ago when just my parents generation were the ones reaping the benefits from company pension schemes and retiring at 50-55 years old. How many people are able to do that now?

In_Search_Of_Me

mummy_Jay wrote: »

. So IMO every child is born out of choice even if they weren't planned. And for this reason every child is wanted and loved or their mother wouldn't have chosen to have them.

I wish, hand on heart that could agree but the sad fact is that hundreds of thousands of children have a hideous childhood because they werent wanted; are scapegoated in families; used; abused, beaten and neglected...
Re the work issue one observation I have made is that for many the career becomes less important as priorities shift from profession to child with some...juggling home, work and children is tough - even for those with great partners...

mummy_Jay

In_Search_Of_Me wrote: »

I wish, hand on heart that could agree but the sad fact is that hundreds of thousands of children have a hideous childhood because they werent wanted; are scapegoated in families; used; abused, beaten and neglected...
...

But how much of this is because they think they want to be a mum but just don't know what it means ? or that they don't believe in or understand the abortion option?

I think alot of this maybe due to the shock of motherhood, they just don't know what to do or maybe the shock of the lack of freedom (we become use to going out, to the gym ). I also don't think when we learn about pregnancy we always got honesty, they don't tell you about how somethings change for good. We also have a society feed on fear which has inturn put more emphasis on the parent being responsible, a responsiblity they may not be ready for. We are use to a world of convience and in some case have become lazy, some people just don't get motherhood involves more that giving birth and changing a few nappies.

There are probably 101 reasons why you get bad parents or these horrible things happen but I still think that to be having the child in the first place (assuming abortion is an option for her) most women wanted to be a mum to go through with it or they wouldn't do it.

ninky_2

i don't get the pension pot argument. won't the costs saved from providing not having to provide state school education and free healthcare to my nonexistent children more than cover any pension i might need? not to mention that i'm paying nics and tax now.

plus people are always banging on about how the country is full and we can't take in any more immigrants. if we need more workers, there will always be plenty imho.

SandC

Also if I need health care when I'm old I can sell the house and pay for it myself. Singletons with no children are wonderfully self sufficient, by and large.

mummy_Jay

SandC wrote: »

Also if I need health care when I'm old I can sell the house and pay for it myself. Singletons with no children are wonderfully self sufficient, by and large.

Don't think whether you do or don't have kids makes any difference to how self sufficient you are. Thats more a question of how good you are with your money and how practical you are.

SandC

Well, I think it does. Find me a single, childless person with a job who is able to receive any benefits of any kind other than a 25% discount on council tax? A parent instantly receives government assistance in the form of child benefit and many receive cash or childcare through tax credits. And before you say that single, childless people also receive tax credits, yes they do but last time I checked by the time you get past around £13.5k salary you will receive nothing.

I will not have had to spend money on funding university, paying for weddings, gifting deposits for a house, even buying or contributing towards the first car. I will not have to bail out a youngster who has gone overboard on their credit cards or even fork out for the ridiculous costs of mobile phone usage for kids who don't really need to have a phone but have to because to deprive them of what everyone else has got you risk them being ostracised by their peers, or worse full on bullying...

I'm just saying that we contribute in leaps and bounds towards our own areas and nationally just as parents do because we are pretty much left to our own devices to live our lives.