I want to want children, anyone else the same?

squirrelchops

I am nearly 33 and until recently i didn't want children. Well, I say I didn't......I suppose I just wan't fussed and didn't feel like having children would complete my life so to speak.

I would like a child now but really the difference for me has been that I am in a relationship with the man I want to be with forever (we aren't bothered about marrying) and I feel a child would make us that family unit.

I am still not particularly broody but do get pangs of feeling at times. I have never changed a nappy and get bored by my little niece and nephew after half an hour!!!! But I equate having my own children as different to thsoe woman who love very baby that comes near them!!!

I think people focus too much on the whole baby phase when they think about having children. For me the baby phase is the horrid bit!!! I am much more looking forward to engaging with my child and supporting them in life to achieve their potential. I also cannot wait to see my partner and his child.....I know he will be an amazing Dad......I would rather have no child than one with a man I had any concerns of how he would be as a parent.

That said I don't want a child that much that I would go it alone or be a 45 year old mother. sorry but my Mum was 43 when she had me so I understand first hand some of the issues associated with this that people don't think about.

nickyhutch

red_devil wrote: »

there's no such thing as accidentally falling pregnant unless your contraception fails big time. When you make love you are accepting it might happen as you know how babies are made. I cant see how getting pregnant can ever really be an accident.

Don't be ridiculous. I got pregnant after being told I was infertile.

OP, I wasn't a bit maternal, wasn't bothered at all when I was told I was infertile, but having my son, now 15, is the best thing I ever did.

tandraig

person_one, if you have never had any desire to be a mum and no interest in children or babies, is it just that your friends now all seem to be mums and happy and fulfilled? and you want that? but not the hastle which comes with having kids?
time hasnt run out for your biological clock - why dont you see how you feel when you are an auntie - why not offer to help babysit overnight for the little one?
then, if you really dont feel any maternal urges - dont have any!
though saying that - my sisters friend was about your age when she discovered she was pregnant (and was worried sick as she never 'liked' kids) and she is the most doting mum you would ever find!
only you can look into your heart hun, and its down to you to go with whats right for you.

pigpen

nickyhutch wrote: »

Don't be ridiculous. I got pregnant after being told I was infertile.

OP, I wasn't a bit maternal, wasn't bothered at all when I was told I was infertile, but having my son, now 15, is the best thing I ever did.

I was told at 11/12 I'd never have children.. then again a few years ago.. I have 8 now lol.. shows just how wrong they can be and how surprising things can happen

skintchick

I felt the same at your age, it changed when I hit 30, and then I wanted marriage and kids, so I made finding a potential husband my priority and here I am now with a daughter!

Don't overthink it, just be open to changing your mind later on. Most people do, but if you don't then at least you've discussed it with your OH.

ceridwen

Well - actually...in your position I'd just sit there and be thankful....very very thankful actually.

This IS the voice of experience time actually. I'm now a "woman of a certain age" and I never ever wanted children and I am just SO thankful/always have been very thankful that I simply dont want them.

Dont let other people "put their trip on you". If THEY want them - then thats up to THEM. Do not let them influence you.

Personally - I regard the fact that I simply never have wanted them as meaning one heck of a lot of advantages in life - no pregnancies/no childbirth/no damage to my body from having done that/no child-related costs/greater freedom generally. Whats not to like?:)

One VERY basic question to ask yourself is whether you would be regarding this as a "problem" if you were a man. If you wouldnt - then its not a "problem" to you as a woman either.

Some people are destined for other things than childbearing and would not be able to make the full contribution they are capable of to the World if they were restricted by childcare considerations/costs. Maybe you are one of them? This is something you will only know in hindsight many years down the line - when you can see what else you have done with your life that you would not have been able to do with your life (or at least would have been severely restricted in) if you had had children. Why do you think most of the "achievers" in life (whether its in a conventional sense or a "help the World" sense) are men? Think about it.......

(hmmm...toddles off thinking "THE single biggest thing I have done to help the Environment actually is that I havent had any children". Further thoughts as I toddle off are "I remember those statistics that proved that any woman who has had 4 or more children has almost certainly suffered permanent damage to her body - and so have a lot of women who had less children than that").

ceridwen

Person_one wrote: »

I live with my partner, who like so many men had always just assumed that marriage and children were his inevitable future. When I told him how I felt about it he agreed that he'd never really thought about it in much depth and got just as freaked out as I always have been! At the moment we're both saying 'never say never' because people change their minds about this all the time and I know women whose body clocks suddenly went beserk at 35ish and they instantly HAD to have babies.

<puzzled smilie? - so why give into something like a "body clock" anyway? <puzzled> <very puzzled>,

What do YOU think? - blow your hormones....thats just Nature's way of trying to keep the human race going...why go along with that?

ceridwen

Person_one wrote: »

As someone who has had to take the morning after pill several times due to condoms breaking and who has on occasion had scares after being ill while on the pill I can believe it happens!

No contraception has a 100% success rate and with things like the pill there's a lot of reliance on you taking it perfectly at the same time every night and your body always processing it properly which just isn't possible all the time.

I used to be skeptical about 'accidental' pregnancies, after all I've never had one and I'm no nun, but then it happened to a close friend and I genuinely believe she was completely shocked by it.

I still am very sceptical about "accidental" pregnancies actually - all these years later. Mind you - I suspect that part of my contraceptive precautions (on top of first the Pill, then sterilisation) was the fact that the second that I found any "accident" had "dared to happen" that I would have remained absolutely totally furious for long enough that the abortion would have been "over and done with" well before I calmed back down again. In all honesty - I think it was one of the reasons there was never the slightest problem with contraception - because I knew right to the depth of my being that any "accidental" pregnancy would have been erased without a second thought - EVER. I would have been absolutely LIVID if it had happened to me...beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Belnahua

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

I had always said I only wanted children if I could have them ready-made at age 7, so that I skipped the icky times ... But after 20 years I changed my mind and am now enjoying the gurgling, feeding and pooping bundle that is our son

I'd say don't worry about it (yet).

However it would've been nice to tell your husband you changed your mind, and not gone off and found someone else behind his back!

But I'm in Peru having a holiday of a lifetime, met many interesting people around the UK, having a great time. So thanks for the opportunity!

frannyann

Person_one wrote: »

I suppose this is a pretty weird 'problem'. I'm in my mid twenties and my peers are all starting to settle down and make babies. I have never had any maternal instincts and am really awkward around babies and children, I've always assumed I would never have them.

But I kind of wish I did want them! I feel like I'm going to be left behind as everyone else enters a completely different world, I have a wonderful relationship with my parents and wonder if I'm depriving myself of the same relationship with my own adult children in the future.

If I could skip straight to a relatively self sufficient son or daughter in their late teens early twenties I think I would but I can't get past the thought of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, nappies, toddler tantrums, pretending to be interested in my little ponys or hot wheels, the school run, being a taxi service for years, dealing with stroppy teenagers, stopping them smoking doing drugs or getting pregnant and the never ending drudgery of laundry, cooking and cleaning that was my poor mum's life for so long. Not to mention the loss of identity and freedom.

Do other people not think about these things? Am I way way overthinking the whole thing?

Its not weird, but perfectly normal to many. Only there is a bit of a 'mummy !!!!!' who don't like to admit to how bleeding awful and boring parenthood can sometimes be!! I never wanted children, had my daughter at 26, found it all a bit of a drag for the first few years, but would not swap her for the world!! I know I may not be popular for saying it, but I get fed up of people proclaiming 'its amazing' without acknowledging its also sometimes 'horrible'! My daughter makes my life hard and difficult at the same time she makes it fun and interesting!
My Uncle never liked small children, he just finds them boring, however has spent many years fostering 'difficult' teenage children with great results. Your feelings 'may' change however they are your feelings and you have only yourself to answer too. There is no right or wrong, my mums step sister never had children and has the most forfilled life, travelling etc!