I want to want children, anyone else the same?

Person_one

euronorris wrote: »

How much experience have you actually had looking after babies? Preferably for more than a few hours? ie, overnight.

I'm just asking as the thought of nappies, waking etc can be very scary, but seems very different when you're actually doing it. Sure, they will be days when you would be exhausted and emotional, but equally, there will be days when they are just soooooo cute and lovely that you could literally burst with joy and pride.

I've seen many friends go from one extreme to the other on this issue. Some never wanted kids and then changed their minds, and others did want them, but as they matured they changed their minds.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids anyway.

Er, basically Zero! I think this is partly why I feel so uncomfortable around them, I just haven't had to learn those skills yet. I'm about to be an Auntie (something else which has brought this to the front of my mind) so I suppose I'll be getting a bit more experience soon.

But 35 isn't old to have children.

When I was 25 I was off seeing the world. We travelled everywhere - doing parachute jumps, whalewatching, swimming with dolphins, flying planes, getting promotions at work etc. Having children was the last thing on my mind.

I'm now a Mum of 3 and know that I did things the right way round.

If you don't feel that it's somehting that you both want to do, then don't sweat it. There is probably so much that you do want to do - set your sights on those things.

And come back to the baby question in another 5 years. A lot can change in that time.

Oh I know 35 isn't too old at all, but in some ways if I was going to do it I would rather do it younger. I had youngish parents who had their freedom back completely before hitting 45/50. OH had older parents, he lost one in his early twenties and worries a lot about the one left on their own.

Only you can decide when or if there is a right time for you to have children.. I just wanted to point out some of the positive aspects and maybe give you a few more things to consider.. don't rush or be pressured into something right now that you do not want to do, take time to consider the options you do have a good few years ahead!

Well I have a big career change coming up so it well be a good few years before I'm established enough in that to want to take any time away from it so I guess I can put off worrying until then.

Thank you for pointing out some more positive aspects. The reason I said I 'want to want them' is the pleasure my friends and peers seem to get from their children. I can't really understand it at the moment, I would love to have it but I don't really think it would work for me!

I read somewhere that its better to regret not having children than to regret having them, which I agree with so I won't rush into anything obviously.

fernliebee

I always knew, from as long as I can remember that I wanted children. I would change my mind about what I wanted to 'be' when I was older, but that always included mum. I am currently on a career break to stay home with my children, but I chose to train to be a teacher when I was younger as I knew it is fairly compatible with being a mummy. I always thought I was a weirdo TBH, as all my friends seemed not too bothered or undecided about children, and my whole life I was planning when would be best to have them etc (my DH and I have been together since age 16 and I didn't have DD until I was 25 as I wanted to finish uni and do some training etc first)

I think if you decide to have children then you will 'know' you are ready, and if you never get to that point then there are plenty of others who choose not to have kids. I also know ppl who NEVER wanted kids, but through a happy accident had a child and they just love being a mum, and now have more kids. Everyone is different, and TBH I would try and relax about the whole thing as your worries are probably confusing you more.

BitterAndTwisted

My sister and her husband got married on the clear understanding that they would not have any children, mainly because of my sister's strong feelings on the subject. They both had an incredibly busy social life, took luxury holidays abroad three times a year and were content the way they were for about a decade. Then our youngest sister had a child and started raising her on her own. This child was a paragon, delightful, an angel. She still is 25 years later. I think this got my sister and her OH thinking and she then had her first child after about 12 years of marriage and a second four years later. It was a struggle because I firmly believe that my sister is not temperamentally suited to parenthood and always had zero interest in tiny babies but she did the very best she could, she and her husband were very happy and the children have turned out to be delightful and charming adults.

Never say never!

bylromarha

My friend and her husband didn't want kids at all mid twenties.

They are now early 30s with a 1 year old daughter who was planned.

You may change your thinking, you may not. Neither is wrong.

SandC

At mid twenties it really isn't, or shouldn't be, an issue. You are probably only thinking about it because a close group of friends seem to be doing it all right now. My friends seemed to have a goal of around age 30 to have at least the first child by.

I sometimes wonder why I don't want children. I don't think I want to want children as isn't that the same as just wanting them anyway? I wonder why I haven't felt that grab. I also wonder whether if I had ever settled down with the right person I would have changed my mind, having never wanted kids. I have always left it open to a sudden change of heart but that hasn't happened. I know myself though - the only reasoning I could ever think for having kids would be being totally in love and wanting to extend that love to a family.

It's quite normal to question your choices when you don't seem to be making the same ones as those around you though so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

SandC

Person_one wrote: »

Oh I know 35 isn't too old at all, but in some ways if I was going to do it I would rather do it younger. I had youngish parents who had their freedom back completely before hitting 45/50. OH had older parents, he lost one in his early twenties and worries a lot about the one left on their own.

Your own experiences can shape things dramatically. I still dont' feel the urge to have children but even if I had a change of heart now I think I would decide against it - as I will be 40 this year. My own mum was 40 when she had me and I always had the 'old' parents when I was a kid. I lost her at the age of 10 when she was 50 and I've just recently lost my dad after 8/9 traumatic years of his increasing loss of quality of life due to what a stroke does to you over the following years.

Some of my friends still have grandparents and I never had any and now don't have my parents (I have a wonderful stepmum though).

I don't care how healthy you feel, and granted medicine has come a long way, but the later you leave child birth the more likely you are to either pass away when they are still young or have to rely on them at an early age to look after you. I don't believe parents have children expecting them to look after them when they are still quite young but I may be wrong there!

red_devil

Jo_R wrote: »

I wasn't maternal at all up untl I was your age. I hated the thought of having children, being pregnant. I was having a great time, had been at uni for a few years, working as well, met loads of new people, was pretty much carefree, and had no plans to have children, or get married, or anything like that.

Then I 'accidentally' fell pregnant. Cue a whole change of mindset - all of a sudden what nappies to use and what sling to buy seemed more important than anything else in the world LOL!:D

I think the long list of things you mention were your mum's life for so long, yes they are integral parts of being a parent, BUT it doesn't have to mean you lose your identity and freedom. I'd say things maybe scale down, but that doesn't mean you stop going out to, say, meet friends, go for a drink, go shopping, go on couple holidays, seeing bands, and so on (picking random things here, add your own particular interests.) They just fit in around being a parent. You find a balance - even with three young kids (5, 3 and 11 months) I still do nights out, see friends and so on. Of course I can't do everything but that's fine.

I used to think I couldn't stand it - but I can LOL! But it's good you're aware of your feelings - and that they may - or may not - change. I believe people are fluid, ever-changing, especially through your teens/twenties and into your thirties particularly, and if that's how you feel now - then that's fine. Nothing wrong with that. Just carry on with your life and don't spoil the now by worrying about something which isn't an issue right now.

there's no such thing as accidentally falling pregnant unless your contraception fails big time. When you make love you are accepting it might happen as you know how babies are made. I cant see how getting pregnant can ever really be an accident.

Person_one

red_devil wrote: »

there's no such thing as accidentally falling pregnant unless your contraception fails big time. When you make love you are accepting it might happen as you know how babies are made. I cant see how getting pregnant can ever really be an accident.

As someone who has had to take the morning after pill several times due to condoms breaking and who has on occasion had scares after being ill while on the pill I can believe it happens!

No contraception has a 100% success rate and with things like the pill there's a lot of reliance on you taking it perfectly at the same time every night and your body always processing it properly which just isn't possible all the time.

I used to be skeptical about 'accidental' pregnancies, after all I've never had one and I'm no nun, but then it happened to a close friend and I genuinely believe she was completely shocked by it.

red_devil

yes but every time you make love you are accepting the fact that it might happen!

Threebabes

Before I had my kids I was very awkward around babies and young kids. I didnt know how to interact with them or hold a baby. Its amazing how it changes when youve had your own.

Your still young, got plenty of time yet.