Boyfriend's Best friend throwing toys out the pram

System

My husbands best friend took it badly when we got together. He took it that badly that he was supposed to be hubbies best man but never showed up or apologised. He stopped answering his calls too. For years i thought he was just angry that i'd taken his best friend off him but i recently found out that he'd actually fancied me himself but as he lived over 180 miles away he only actually met me through my husband introducing him to me.

Over the years they did rekindle their friendship and i'm probably as close to the best friend as my husband is (but within boundaries). All these years i hugged him or touched him and he froze. I know why now poor bloke. He told my husband about 12 months ago which was an relief for me as i just thought he didnt like me.

Anyway, i think you ought to put a bit of distance between your boyfriend and yourself.

To quote Jonathan Livingston "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were"

If he loves you enough he'll make more effort than he is doing at present.

FBaby

Counting_down_the_Pounds wrote: »

im quite worried that in doing this we will grow apart due to friends maniupulation (its working well so far!!! grrrr :mad:) as we will hardly see each other (stupid coming from ex forced girlfriend i know...i've stayed home on the 6 month tours and its hard.) irrational fear maybe?

It's a totally natural fear, fighting for control, but in the end, it is not how much you make it is easier for him, or the pressure you put on him that will make him be the boyfriend you would like him to be. It has to come from you. If he really cares for you (and as men are, he is more likely to respect you if you show that you are independent and not there to wait for him), he will find a way to make the time and prioritise.

My partner used to be quite bad that way and all his previous girlfriends broke up with him because of it (and i suspect it contributed much to why his wife ended up having an affair). He was always a mates type of guys, always respectful to his partners, but expecting them to fit around his life. It worked with me because for one he had started to realise that sunday evenings on his own were not nice, and because I am quite an independent person myself, so didn't put half the pressure on him as his ex did, but still we went through a stage where I missed him and felt I was coming first. It all balanced out when we moved in together and seeing him every day and falling asleep next to him provided that need. Ironically, even though I give him all the freedom he wishes for (and actually am glad he gets out of my way at times because he can be a real pain in the bum), he is the one chosing to do less and less with his mate and arranging more and more time for us!

Of course, if you end up never seeing each other at all, it is not going to be encouraging for a future together, but he should be missing you and if he is, he will definitely make the time to be more with you.

ekkygirl

I would have the heart to heart with the BF and also I would avoid spending time with the friend. Yoyu dont have to make the BF choose he just needs to separate the friendship with his relationship with you. I think you have been too soft on the friend and so he knows you are not gonna do anything. Next time he quietly says anything just repeat it to your BF right in front of him E.G "he thinks Im fat"or "He just said nobody likes me"
I had a similar problem although not as bad. When my hubbys mate's wife ran off with someone else he started to come to ours on his motorbike with no warning and expect my hubby to go off on a rideout, which hubby was more than happy to do lol. I wouldnt have minded if he just called to visit but I quite like my husband so wanted him myself haha It leaves you feeling powerless as if you make a fuss you are an ogre, if you dont then they never get the message. He has a new woman now so we hardly see him.
I used to say to my hubby "your wife hasn't ran off.......yet" haha. I did want to be supportive but it was unreasonable of the mate in the first place.

euronorris

Counting_down_the_Pounds wrote: »

Yes i totally agree.. it's just as the relationship is so new, how do i tell him that the best friend who's just moved in is not playing nice? it will be very awkward for my boyfriend having to live with him and as another poster said, sorry forgot name, that he will be dripping poisen in his ear each time he is home. I hope that he feels for me that will cancel that out!!! But thats a big ask against peer pressure you have to live with... there are worse things in life i know.

CP

Well, in BugglyB's post, she (I hope I got that right! lol) recommends 'Quiet voice, open posture, friendly tone - 'Did you know x said x to me at the bbq? What do you make of that?'", which I think could be a good way to bring it up. Non-confrontational, and factual, and asking for his opinion.

It may well be awkward for your OH, but......don't go making excuses for him. In his situation (I'd be livid with my friend for a start. Plus, I don't believe that he is unaware of his behaviour and words), I would immediately ask the friend to stop. If they didn't, or got worse etc, then I would soon be asking them to move out. Or moving out myself. After all, who needs enemies with friends like that?!

If he chooses to put up with it, that's his lookout. But make no mistake, it IS a choice. No matter how much he may complain that he 'doesn't have a choice'. He does. Sometimes the only 2 choices we have might not be nice, but they are choices. And also, not deciding IS deciding. ie, if he didn't act at all (on the basis that he can't choose/decide), then he's already actually chosen his mate over you.

And he may well feel justified in that, but if he does, that would only serve to prove that he isn't yet ready to be in a relationship IMO. In which case, you're better off finding out now, rather than a year down the line.

As for the bra thing......!!!!!!?! Why did your OH let him do that? I would've expected your OH to step in rather protectively and say 'Dude, what the h'll are you doing. That's my girlfriend, stop it!'.

lostinrates

Counting_down_the_Pounds wrote: »

.

I see my friends and have a wide social life, its just the hours he works he has to fit in girlfriend, freinds, family, work, looking for new job. its alot when he works odd hours 12-9 everyday (never up before 10) and stays up late...probably playing computer games!!! boys !!!:rotfl: seriosuly he does, but has also managed to apply for jobs, see friends cos they work same hours, family live far away so phone calls, and then me generlly at unusal hours to someone working 9-5. :T

Well, no, not 'boys'. Presumably you want a relationship with a man not a boy. And if so the ball needs to be in his court about how to manage his time best, and if fitting in staying up to play computer games is part of that in preference to seeing his new girlfriend that would put me off!

cheepskate_2

Sorry .....am i the only one that feels you are too full on after only 12WEEKS, 3 of those you have planned for him to spend as much time with you as possible.

My advice for what its worth.............................if you have to make something work , when you have only met , then your always going to have to try and make it work.
Relationships, good ones, dont need all this xyz's they work because the two people fit together.

CH27

Counting_down_the_Pounds wrote: »

Thank you if you've managed to read this far, my i do waffle... i am trying to give all the information so I can get the best feedback I can.

Thank you to all those that have posted also. you have been very helpful.

i wont be giving the boyfriend an ultimation beacuse he has already said he wants to be with me and we'll talk to make it work and i'm not like that anyway. compromise!!!

So heres my plan of action... a merger of your thoughts and comments in helping me handle Bozo the friend.


1. arrange to meet boyfriend and have heart to heart

2. decide on agreed plan of when we can see each other as seeing as and when isnt working for us.

3. Discuss ettiquete? (spelling sorry) of an evening and make it clear. i.e. no assuming/not assuming spending evening together. links to point 2

4. discuss Bozo friend and what to do about that.
including standing up to him and peer pressure from that side, possibly controlling?

going along the lines of....
Did you know x said x to me at the bbq?

friend doesn't seem to like me much? Is it me or does he generally take a while to warm up to your new girlfriends?

as a gentle way in to...

He doesnt like me or is jealous, how are we going to handle it? is it going to be a problem for you?

5. discuss my fear of what has happened to me and how this is impacting on the reationship (was always gonna be there) example. perhaps i come across as full on as I know life is short. i'm not sure if i do do this but will be good to ask.

6. Annual leave has stopped therefore i am now less available as a doormat

7. as above but go out with friends. which i have been doing anyway but just even less available for him.

Any other comments? and i shall let you know how it goes when i do see him.

Thank you


CP

I'm sorry but I think you are being way too heavy for such a short lived, casual relationship.

dorisday

have to agree with the last 2 posters. This is a very new relationship and I do think you are coming on too strong. I wouldnt have any talks with him its up to him to WANT to see you. If my instincts are right he probably does like you but comes over as very young and immature probably fresh out of uni and needs to live a little (or a lot) you need to back off and let it take a natural course.
Try and keep out of any contact with his friend. Dates are for you and him only meeting friends can come when you know you are both serious. Take heed or you will end up getting hurt.:)

jenhug

Your reply to his "You're fat" comment should have been something like "Ah, but honey, you are ugly on the inside, and there is no cure for that!"

DVardysShadow

Counting_down_the_Pounds wrote: »

I myself am a very young war 'Widow' who sadly never had the chance to marry my soul mate. Life is most difficult when your in your 20's with nothing but broken dreams and more in common with people's grandparents....

anyway, I am trying to rebuild my life and have found a really nice guy. It's still early days as we have been dating since January and i am breaking down some of my walls and barriers. :T

I have read the whole thread and I come back to the above. I am sure you have thought about the issues which arise, you have worked through a lot and I am sure you don't shirk working through new aspects as they crop up.

CH27, cheepskate and dorisday are making a good point here.

And I think for you it stems from how you lost your previous partner. That relationship was and is precious and because of how it ended, a lot of it has become crystallized. And this is the hope you are living in now. Because of how that relationship ended, neither of you were responsible for it ending - so you have no real prompt to challenge yourself over your expectations emotions and reactions, which is fine until now. When you have been with a guy for a few months, but I think your head is probably too far ahead with this new relationship.

My feeling is that at this time it is the relationship the 2 of you need, but it is near to having run its course [I could be wrong]. For you it is an opportunity to uncrystallize the ending of your previous relationship and to prepare for a new start. For him, it is the opportunity to deal with his best mate.

Probably you have gone much further into your previous relationship that this man has ever been in any relationship. I think he will benefit from having time with you, but somehow I don't think he will ever quite catch up with you. I don't see the annoying friend as an issue in himself - just a symptom.

I would say that you have been very good about not carrying stuff forward from the previous relationship and not trying to replace your late partner. Possibly too good. But I am thinking you need a man who has a similar maturity experience level to yourself in terms of how deeply he has been into a relationship.

Of course, if you don't agree with this, don't let me talk you out of a relationship which you see having a future.