Boyfriend's Best friend throwing toys out the pram

Counting_down_the_Pounds

pogofish wrote: »

I'm actually wondering if the "best friend" might just fancy you himself?

Also, does he know you are a forces widow? I suppose he must and IME, a lot of civvy guys do have some strange and frankly pretty rank ideas about women who have been with men in the military.

Either way, the best friend and BF/GF dilemma is a common one and IMO, its the duty of any true friend to respect their friends relationships and give them the space they need to flourish - but still be the same good friend whenever you do see them.

So yes, it looks like you and your BF will maybe have to develop a strategy for coping with this guy, or have him step back from your life altogether.

Don't get dragged into any catty mud-slinging contests with him, quality shows and counts!

Good luck!

Haha !!! could be true...his girlfriend is quite similar looking to myself so a possibility. I know that my boyfriend has been going home to his friends and talking about me as he is excited to have met me and i'm a great person. (i have some confidence) i like to do unusual dates and have items at home which are different and i know he has been telling them this in a good way as he will say so and so thinks that date we went on was a great idea. etc.

Yes, it is a barrier and sterotype about girls with guys in the forces its all lies i tell you!!! seriouisly though, this hasnt come up as a problem or been mentioned. its possible and something i hadnt even thought of.

I'm not interested in any mud slinging contests but i am keen to develop a stragey with my boyfriend in coping with this child, perhaps the naughty step? :rotfl:

Counting_down_the_Pounds

Acc72 wrote: »

Hi OP,

You are young and relationships (certainly those only a few months old) should be fun - this relationship isn't fun as it stands.

You could speak to your boyfriend and he may change etc. etc. but this is unlikely and I feel that he will stick with his mate (at which point your relationship will become less fun).

I understand where you are coming from, but not every boyfriend/relationship needs to be long term and lead to marriage etc.

I am not sure about your family/friends/work colleagues/support etc. but my advice would be to see this boyfriend and go on dates as a couple and enjoy yourself - if you are not enjoying yourself for whatever reason then move on.

In the meantime, look to increase your hobbies and social circle and maybe have a few more boyfriends and more fun before finally settling down.

I agree that it should be fun and easy... this is the first guy that i've met since losing my partner that i am able to do this with. and it is fun when we are together, We have got to the stage where we are integrating our lives a bit more than just dates. (no one wants to date forever...date nights yes...) We are solidifying our relationship by meeting each others friends. it is just this one friend that is causing me a problem.

I see my friends and have a wide social life, its just the hours he works he has to fit in girlfriend, freinds, family, work, looking for new job. its alot when he works odd hours 12-9 everyday (never up before 10) and stays up late...probably playing computer games!!! boys !!!:rotfl: seriosuly he does, but has also managed to apply for jobs, see friends cos they work same hours, family live far away so phone calls, and then me generlly at unusal hours to someone working 9-5. :T

Counting_down_the_Pounds

Acc72 wrote: »

So, why would his behavious change if you laughed it off ?

People treat us how we allow them to treat us - you need to find a public, non-confrontational way of letting him know that is not acceptable to you.

If he does not understand, then next take him make him aware in a public confrontational way.

I laughed it off as it was the first time i had met him and he had been drinking alot and i wasnt sure of his reaction. but he did this to a girl in front of me when he wasnt drunk, so i think it is a theme that he thinks he's funny.

if it happens again, i shall say something as it is unacceptable to me. I just wasnt sure not confident enough to say on first meeting. i've heard since he does it to all the girls he meets. :cool: i've already pre warned my friends of this noob !!!

Counting_down_the_Pounds

shell_girl wrote: »

"Another problem is that becuase he gets his rota so late (comes out saturday, so he wont know what he's working sunday untill saturday) we cant make plans, which means (being a girl i have a diary and i book people in as i have alot of friends to see) i cant make plans with friends otherwise we would never see each other. He knows this. "

:eek:

Hun, it's not your fault that he doesn't get his rota until this late. Make plans with your friends, carry on as you were. If you're free when he is great, but so much the better if you're not.

I can hear you saying 'But I want to spend time with my new fella'... tough. Sorry. For a couple of weeks at least, make him work for it. If he moans, tell him 'I miss you too, but we can see our mates now- I got the impression from *boyfriend's best mate* that he wanted to spend a bit more time with you'.

You come across as unavailable, popular and not desperate for him (good things). You also show him that you don't want to restrict time with his mates (which is what the poisonous best mate will be telling him). You also drop poisonous best mate in it quite nicely, without sounding like a clingy sap. Everyone's a winner. Boyfriend will move heaven and earth to spend time with you, poisonous best mate loses all credibility when he moans that 'she's coming between us', and you show your oh that you're not a doormat at his beck and call.

True... i think this is probably my problem... i do want to spend time with him. just as i have said in one of my posts that i didnt make time for a guy i was dating and it went badly. i need to find the right balance.

You sum it up very nicely and clear... thanks

Counting_down_the_Pounds

devils_advocate wrote: »

There's one line that you can repeat over and over every time the friend says "You're fat" or "no-one likes you" or similar.

Just say "there's really no need to repeat to me what everyone else says about you".

I will try and remember that! :rotfl:

Counting_down_the_Pounds

Acc72 wrote: »

How is that a good idea ? - what if he goes home after 5 minutes to his mate and leaves you standing there wondering where he is ?

I assume that you want a grown up relationship ? - so why not have a grown up conversation with your boyfriend ?

I am not sure how this is so complicated.

You have only been with this younger and apparently immature boyfriend for a couple of months, just work out where you both stand and take it from there.

This isnt what i want to do. i know its not a good idea and wouldn't do it to anyone let alone someone whom i want a relationship with. i am waiting to have this chat with him rather than tx/call.

but i am thinking about not seeing him this weekend. it's just again i would be giving up my time with my friends so that we can talk when its convienint for him.

It's his friend that is most immature. The boyfriend is also a little, and is unaware of what his friend has said to me. We just don't have the opportunity to talk face to face as i want to wait to do this.

puddy

I havent read the whole thread but you should watch a film called 'the leather boys' or even better, buy it on dvd and give it to your boyfriend's chum

suki1001

Next time the "friend" says something, i would ask exactly whoat I had done to warrant his reaction, especially when he does it on the sly.

Next time he says something like no-one likes you say:

"Well thank you for speaking on everyone's behalf, but I'm sure they'll tell me if that's the case."

Or:

"Can I just clarify something? What exactly have I done to upset you? You seem to be very unhappy I'm going out with your friend? I can't do anything to change who I am, but perhaps there's something I've done that's bothering you and we can solve it."

If you say this in a calm (almost surprised, perhaps philosophical) manner, then at least you might get an answer and he might even see he is just being unpleasant to you for no reason.

Uniscots97

devils_advocate wrote: »

There's one line that you can repeat over and over every time the friend says "You're fat" or "no-one likes you" or similar.

Just say "there's really no need to repeat to me what everyone else says about you".

Just reading this whole thread and came across your comment. Its fantastic! To the OP don't let the slimey little friend get away with this. An ex of mine (as did I) let a friend of his get away with similar to me. The guy ended up dumping me because his friend 'didn't like me' ..... oh btw they were in their late 20s and mid 30s! I moved on and then got an email from said friend apologising and admitting what he had done. Forwarded it to the ex and said "see, told you he was a t*sser". Ex said sorry and would I take him back, ..... er... NO! he didn't believe me in the first place. Cue over the next few years, me splitting up with someone, the ex would chase me (but was seeing someone else) etc. Till finally I met someone worth it and when the ex came a calling again I told him where to go. Turns out karma had a say in his current relationship and she's complete bunny boiler and spends all his money. His friend is married but plays away with younger women..................... I was well shot of both of them

Counting_down_the_Pounds

Thank you if you've managed to read this far, my i do waffle... i am trying to give all the information so I can get the best feedback I can.

Thank you to all those that have posted also. you have been very helpful.

i wont be giving the boyfriend an ultimation beacuse he has already said he wants to be with me and we'll talk to make it work and i'm not like that anyway. compromise!!!

So heres my plan of action... a merger of your thoughts and comments in helping me handle Bozo the friend.


1. arrange to meet boyfriend and have heart to heart

2. decide on agreed plan of when we can see each other as seeing as and when isnt working for us.

3. Discuss ettiquete? (spelling sorry) of an evening and make it clear. i.e. no assuming/not assuming spending evening together. links to point 2

4. discuss Bozo friend and what to do about that.
including standing up to him and peer pressure from that side, possibly controlling?

going along the lines of....
Did you know x said x to me at the bbq?

friend doesn't seem to like me much? Is it me or does he generally take a while to warm up to your new girlfriends?

as a gentle way in to...

He doesnt like me or is jealous, how are we going to handle it? is it going to be a problem for you?

5. discuss my fear of what has happened to me and how this is impacting on the reationship (was always gonna be there) example. perhaps i come across as full on as I know life is short. i'm not sure if i do do this but will be good to ask.

6. Annual leave has stopped therefore i am now less available as a doormat

7. as above but go out with friends. which i have been doing anyway but just even less available for him.

Any other comments? and i shall let you know how it goes when i do see him.

Thank you


CP