Boyfriend's Best friend throwing toys out the pram

Acc72

Counting_down_the_Pounds wrote: »

He is immature...thinks it's hilarious to undo girls bra's repeatedly. Seems to be his favourite trick.

He did this to me the first time i met him, about 10 times. i laughed it off

So, why would his behavious change if you laughed it off ?

People treat us how we allow them to treat us - you need to find a public, non-confrontational way of letting him know that is not acceptable to you.

If he does not understand, then next take him make him aware in a public confrontational way.

shell_girl

"Another problem is that becuase he gets his rota so late (comes out saturday, so he wont know what he's working sunday untill saturday) we cant make plans, which means (being a girl i have a diary and i book people in as i have alot of friends to see) i cant make plans with friends otherwise we would never see each other. He knows this. "

:eek:

Hun, it's not your fault that he doesn't get his rota until this late. Make plans with your friends, carry on as you were. If you're free when he is great, but so much the better if you're not.

I can hear you saying 'But I want to spend time with my new fella'... tough. Sorry. For a couple of weeks at least, make him work for it. If he moans, tell him 'I miss you too, but we can see our mates now- I got the impression from *boyfriend's best mate* that he wanted to spend a bit more time with you'.

You come across as unavailable, popular and not desperate for him (good things). You also show him that you don't want to restrict time with his mates (which is what the poisonous best mate will be telling him). You also drop poisonous best mate in it quite nicely, without sounding like a clingy sap. Everyone's a winner. Boyfriend will move heaven and earth to spend time with you, poisonous best mate loses all credibility when he moans that 'she's coming between us', and you show your oh that you're not a doormat at his beck and call.

Acc72

BugglyB wrote: »

My dad says the problem with women is they never ask the question they want the answer to

I would agree with that !

Also, I have found that when a woman does finally ask a question, they are often only prepared for one answer (the one they want to hear).

The OP needs to be sure that before possibly giving her boyfriend an ultimatum, there are 2 possible answers and she needs to be prepared for either.

Counting_down_the_Pounds

Birdie85 wrote: »

I agree that this guy sounds like a complete !!!!!!! :mad:

TBH though, long-term life will be very difficult for your BF if his best friend hates his GF (through no fault of your own), perhaps if the snide comments keep up it would be worth mentioning quietly to the friend that you don't know what you've done to upset him but you really want to be friends (obviously not true as he's a tosspot, but we're not going for that angle!) as it'll mean so much to your BF- wobbly lip and watery eyes will go down a treat here.

With regards to your BF leaving you to go out with his friend, I'd be inclined to cut him some slack for now. I got with my DH when he was 23 and we worked contrasting hours which meant we could only spend time together on a weekend. His odd hours meant that he could only see his friends on a weekend too so we had to learn to share. He was still at the stage of his life where it was impossible to refuse a night out with his mates on the beer rather than spending a night in watching X Factor, no matter how delightful the company He prides himself on being the go-to man for his friends, always the first point of contact in times of crisis and celebration for half a dozen boys meant that last minute 'emergency pub meetings' would pop up fairly regularly. It took a while (about a year) for him to settle into a routine with still being there for his mates and making time for them whilst still seeing me and it took me some time to realise that I had to make myself that little bit less available so he wanted to sack everyone off to spend time with me as he missed me so much. There was no point getting too sulky about things as no-one wants to come home to a miserable GF who's just waiting to pick a fight.

5 years later we are married and he's so settled it's difficult to drag him out now, he actually turned down a night out with friends last weekend to stay in with pizza watching The Voice and BGT! :eek: :rotfl:

Oh and I don't like the idea of making him choose, there'd be uproar if you'd been told to choose between your best friend and your BF so it is unfair to expect him to do so, you just have to hope the guy moves in with his GF 40minutes away and doesn't come back to visit very often!

I dont think speaking directly to the friend will make much difference. he will either say im making it up or misheard. and will probably make things worse as then he knows i've bitten. i'm thinking perhaps getting the boyfriend on side and getting him to say something, its his friend afterall. i also think if it came from that angle that it would strenghten my reationship with my boyfriend and show the friend that we do talk and confide and that the boyfriend wants to make things better...not to take sides like children.

Your comments ring so true with my boyfriend as he is the sensitive sole who will do anything for anyone. I know time is short and i have my friends to see also. but it wasnt just the time...only a small part. just the way it was done that upset me. as we both had the next day off, (rare) yes we'd been together all day but we were in the pub having dinner then a drink after and it was 8:30pm. yes we hadnt said that we were spending the evening together (its 8:30 PM) but he hadn't collected his stuff from mine to go, and it hadnt been said that we were not spending the evening together. In the game of odds it was more then likely based on previous time spent together

basically the friend left, and as he was gathering his stuff said am i to wait for you? and boyfriend was like no, but i'll catch u up later. this was the first he had said ALL day. its 8:30pm... on a week night. i had no chance to arrange something else for my evening, as i had had a drink i coulndt drive to see friends. If he had said earlier i could have arranged something else to do with my friends and no problem. but it was the way it came about which i am more upset by.

so yes, slack... treating me like doll he can drop whenever he likes....never... and this is why we will be having a talk about it as i am unhappy about that.

am i being Unreasonable:(?

burnoutbabe

Counting_down_the_Pounds wrote: »

He is immature...thinks it's hilarious to undo girls bra's repeatedly. Seems to be his favourite trick. He did this to me the first time i met him, about 10 times. i laughed it off and commeted to the boyfriend that he's like a 12 year old and will he get bored of it? in private the next day. Apparently not.

hang on, someone tried to undo your bra, 10 times, and your boyfriend didn't stop him? i'd be trying not to punch the chap, thats pretty much assult and if someone at work tried to do that you'd have them up on a sexual harrassment charge?

Mojisola

Counting_down_the_Pounds wrote: »

He is immature...thinks it's hilarious to undo girls bra's repeatedly. Seems to be his favourite trick. He did this to me the first time i met him, about 10 times. i laughed it off and commeted to the boyfriend that he's like a 12 year old and will he get bored of it? in private the next day. Apparently not.

I can't believe you let him do that 10 times! If it had happened to me, the first time he and my BF would have been told quite clearly that it wasn't funny or acceptable. If he'd had the nerve to try it a second time, he would probably be nursing an injured finger. If my BF hadn't also stepped up and told his friend to stop it, I'd have left.

Counting_down_the_Pounds wrote: »

my boyfriend is very sensitive and will do anything for his friends.

But not for his GF? What can seem a charming trait while you're in a new relationship can get really annoying when, ten years down the line, he's changed plans you had made to rush off to help a friend - yet again and again and again.

If he can't see what's happening or thinks that you're being too sensitive, find someone else. He should be upset because you're upset and should be willing to take action to change things.

Counting_down_the_Pounds

duchy wrote: »

However -I think we are judged by the company we keep and either Bozo mate took an instant and irrational dislike to you -or he's always like this-either way your BF isn't deaf and blind (and this twerp doesn't sound bright enough to be subtle) and you want to ask yourself if you want to be with a man who wants boys as friends rather than adults. Some guys in their early twenties are ready for real relationships others are still prioritising their mates -I'd stop taking annual leave to oblige him and just see him when it fits in-and see how things go for now. I'd mention it's clear Bozo doesn't like you (non confrontational grass above) and you can't be bothered with that kind of daftness and allow BF to work out why you are suddenly less available for himself. I do agree he's not likely to make so much effort if you are always available to fit in with him and his odd mate's plans.

I think they have been friends for soooo long that he hasnt seen what this guy has turned into. It is making me think now that perhaps my boyfriend does need to grow up a bit himself but i will see what he has to say in our talk...whenever i get that chance !?

Haha...i love Bozo... very fitting as he likes to think of himself as funny.

Today is my last day annual leave and he is at work anyway, I have told boyfriend yesterday that it is not an option now and will have to work around/find a way to see each other.

i totally agree that i have been making myself far to available and too easy for him. (its just that the last guy i attempted to date i never made time for so seems i have now gone the other way) before i lost my partner i never had this issue but since i lost him am unsure on what to do? how things should be? as it has been a long time.

So i think the next time i meant to be seeing him is either fri night? or sat day untill 5 i think. but i have plans to see friend for lunch sat so really doesnt leave much time. he doesnt know about my friend for lunch, maybe i shouldnt tell him and wait untill 10 mins before she turns up to say see ya, im busy? Tit for tat? maybe he might know how it feels then? spiting my own nose?

devils_advocate

There's one line that you can repeat over and over every time the friend says "You're fat" or "no-one likes you" or similar.

Just say "there's really no need to repeat to me what everyone else says about you".

Acc72

Counting_down_the_Pounds wrote: »

he doesnt know about my friend for lunch, maybe i shouldnt tell him and wait untill 10 mins before she turns up to say see ya, im busy? Tit for tat?

How is that a good idea ? - what if he goes home after 5 minutes to his mate and leaves you standing there wondering where he is ?

I assume that you want a grown up relationship ? - so why not have a grown up conversation with your boyfriend ?

I am not sure how this is so complicated.

You have only been with this younger and apparently immature boyfriend for a couple of months, just work out where you both stand and take it from there.

Counting_down_the_Pounds

FBaby wrote: »

On this basis, the more you put pressure on him, the more stressed he will get, and he will blame you for the situation because of it. In your shoes, I would try to pretend the guy doesn't exist, so that the pressure seems to come from him rather than you and it is him that will end up getting on his nerves and finally getting the 'get a life mate, I am happy with my girlfriend, maybe you should spend more time with yours'.

In the end, it will go either way:
- he succumbs to the manipulation of his friend, if that is the case, he is clearly showing not to have much balls (or care than much about you) and not worth fighting for.
- he will grow tired of his friend overwhelming presence and demands on his own and will detach himself without your help
- he will start to realise that he actually wants to spend time with you rather than him and will start telling his friend that he better start respecting you as his girfriend or he can take a hike!

Ohhh yes i like that. This has already been said by the boyfriend that the friend is bugging him to see him. At the moment as its so new i clearly come second, to a point. He has afterall been spending a day off with me. It's mainly more due to the hours that he works rather than alot of time with me. He needs to give up some mate and girlfrined time to get a better job with hours so suit therefore more time for everyone. but i am aware that everyone needs time with thier friends...myself included. I am not hogging his every waking moment. but i shall keep this in mind to keep some distance. now my Annual leave is gone this will be far too easy.

im quite worried that in doing this we will grow apart due to friends maniupulation (its working well so far!!! grrrr :mad:) as we will hardly see each other (stupid coming from ex forced girlfriend i know...i've stayed home on the 6 month tours and its hard.) irrational fear maybe?