Boyfriend's Best friend throwing toys out the pram

Counting_down_the_Pounds

Hi - a long one

I need an outsiders point of view of something that has upset me today and advice on how to handle the following situation.

I myself am a very young war 'Widow' who sadly never had the chance to marry my soul mate. Life is most difficult when your in your 20's with nothing but broken dreams and more in common with people's grandparents....

anyway, I am trying to rebuild my life and have found a really nice guy. It's still early days as we have been dating since January and i am breaking down some of my walls and barriers. :T

It is difficult to find time to spend together as our working hours clash. i'm 9-5 he is evenings and weekends. Everything was going perfect and we were just about managing it.

Basically he lives in a shared house, (I live alone) and due to someone moving out, his best friend that he has known probably forever has just moved in. Here my problems begin.

He seems (i am led to believe from what i shall say below) to be putting more pressure to spend more time with him since he has moved in. Making comments i am sure to the boyfriend about the amount of time he is seeing me and not him. (days off and the odd night here and there) and that he should see his friend. my boyfriend is very sensitive and will do anything for his friends.

I only met this guy once on a night out. (you know the type who like to undo your bra repeatedly and find it hilarious) so first impressions... immature, especially whilst drunk.

Obviously put this down to boys will be boys and thought no more of it. Untill he moved in. We went on a night out last Saturday, and when at the end of the evening my boyfriend was busy and out of ear shot said to me. 'Why did you have to come along. i've only just moved in and youve ruined it he's always seeing you'

i responded by laughing this off as i thought he is immature and has had a few drinks...by saying that he would have to learn to share in a nice way. When my boyfriend returned, the friend then proceeded to 'moan' about having to go home alone as my boyfriend was stopping at mine, i ignored this as thought he was being immature and trying to rile me...i didnt bite

i thought it would be a one off. however...

My boyfriend and i have been arguing about how he left me the night before. We had gone out to dinner and were sat in the pub when this friend joined us. I had no problem with this as i put the other night down as a one off. Anyway, after going to the bar and toilet during the hour he was with us he had convinced my boyfriend to spend the evening with him. bearing in mind it was 8:30 pm already and he was meant to be stopping at mine.

Anyway, the boyfriend left me and spent the night with his friend. of which we began arguing over as we spend little time together and i had taken annual leave days to spend with him. But not only this but it left me unable to organise an evening with my friends as its a week night also was too late - this still isnt resolved. When i look back to this a few comments were made by the friend which now i think is part of his plan.

so today, after speaking to the boyfriend on the phone about me seeing him that day, he said he wanted to see me. we spoke about him inviting me along with his friends as just an invite cos you feel bad or if you feel you have to... as i am not one for going where i am not wanted. so, me and the boyfriend still hadnt made up but i joined him and his friends in the park enjoying the sunshine in a large group as time for us is limited and we wanted to see each other, the talking/making up properly could wait as we know we both want to be together that we are both comfortable enough to do this without starting an argument and enjoy what little time we had left.

The feeling was good and we were able to kiss and cuddle (not excessive) during our time in the park and play games and join the conversation other couples were also there. As we left to go to the pub the friend took the opportunity whilst everyone was out of ear shot to say. 'go home no one likes you' (I had only met them for the first time an hour ago. i'm sure they do or have not seen enough of me to pass comment) I was quite shocked by this and said nothing to him nor to my boyfriend as i didnt want to start another argument. Totally honest i know what he was saying was utter ****. shocked again as he hadnt been drinking this time.

I decided that i have met people like him before and the only way i could deal with his nastiness was to ignore the nasty comments. He is a guy with a odd sense of humour and is known to offend people but there was no joking in this. When we got to the pub we ordered food. When mine arrived, even though my boyfriend was right next to me in conversation with someone on my other side so talking over me. The friend lent across the table and said. 'Your fat' (i'm not...size 8-10 thank you and have no body issues - good job to) the boyfriend did not hear and i decided i was not going to make a scene and just smiled at him and ate EVERYTHING on my plate. :rotfl:

He made a few jokey jokes about me which were 'fine' as they were said in a jokey mannor and obviously his sense of humour. i can deal with that. but with each one there was the 'look' that you know he means it

He then proceeds to talk to the boyfriend and bug him when they will next be seeing each other. he asks for sunday but boyfriend is working, his next available free time is friday/sat day so he then insistnatly goes on about seeing him friday whilst looking and smirking at me knowing that that is the next time i will be seeing the boyfriend... guessing im not now. the friend then proceeds to leave as he had work (hurrrah!!!) made a point of saying bye to everyone on the table except me. (i can cope with that babyness)

i feel that he is jealous of what me and the boyfriend have. he is spending a little less time with him. He has his own long distance (40mins) relationship and i feel that since he moved back locally that he wants to keep my boyfriend single so that he can fill his spare time with my boyfriend. I know they have been friends for years and therefore boyfriend may see this as me causing trouble as he is more likely to belive his friend if i were to tell him?

I have been through enough in my life to be bothered to care what this guy thinks, However i will not have him bully me.

so now i am in a position...do i tell the boyfriend about his best friends nasty comments?

i was thinking along the lines of, something upset me, this is what he said, please do not say anything as it is likely to make him worse and also know that he is getting to me, but please do not leave me alone with this friend. :cool:

Help...please excuse spellings...and sorry so long.

CP

anguk

I'm sorry but I'm not as nice as you, I would have told the friend exactly what I think of him and I would have told my boyfriend what his friend had been saying. :mad:

It definitely sounds like a jealousy thing, he wants your boyfriend all to himself (how silly and childish does that sound?) and okay they've been friends for years but people move on, meet new people etc and he'll have to accept that and accept you.

And I would not be happy with boyfriend re-arranging your time together so he could spend time with his friend, you say you don't get much time together as it is because of the hours you both work. I would be asking myself if I was happy playing second fiddle to his friend.

newbutold

Firstly, your bf's mate sounds a right noob!

With regards to your bf dumping you half way through an evening to go with his mate, you can only blame your bf for that. He is an adult and if he had wanted to stay with you he could of.

You need to sit down and tell your bf how you feel & about the sly little comments his mate is making. However you need to be careful how you word it as the mate is crafty so your bf may just tell you his mate was joking & you have took things the wrong way.

You must talk to your bf though otherwise resentment will build up and the problem will eat away at you.

The more I think about this the more of a noob I think the mate is.

You are doing right by ignoring the mates comments and not letting him know he is bothering you. This will be frustrating him more than if you were to bite.

BitterAndTwisted

If you bite it will all get repeated and twisted before you can say "Jack Robinson". This friend is either a childish idiot, a Billy no-mates or a closet homosexual.

In your place I would ensure I never set eyes on this pal ever again. You're going out with your man, not his tag-along gooseberry of a mate.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

A difficult one. Especially as it doesn't seem that you have been able to quite go on as freely as someone who had merely split up with their previous partner.

Is it possible that you are a little full on because you know more than most that time can be short and it can be wasted on small things before you know it?


Or are you just a little bit too meek and mild to respond to a complete !!!!!! head who probably thought he'd be able to shag everything he'd ever wanted to with his best mate as wingman whilst his loving partner wonders when she'll ever see him again?


I'd be inclined to keep the voice recorder on my mobile phone going. Not to present it at the first opportunity, but so you can produce a bunch of recordings of him doing his best impression of a 4 year old at Nursery.


That is, of course, if you don't feel able to smile sweetly and reply to him when he is sarcastic in public 'Well, I didn't know you two were in an exclusive relationship, dear' or, when he says something spiteful 'I'm so sorry, darling, but I'm with xxxxx, your compliments and declarations of eternal love are lost on me' - or 'when's Nursery back from Easter holidays?'.


Of course, there is the 'I think, as xxxx has told me that everybody hates me and I should f off out of his life with you, perhaps it might be time for me to move on.' If he cares, he will be ready to deal with it, especially if you have recorded him and that way his 'friend' won't be able to deny it all.

Obviously dangerous, you might end up finding out your boyfriend isn't actually that bothered, but might that be better than keeping quiet and not ever finding out?

Counting_down_the_Pounds

Anguk

Had I had been with my own group of friends perhaps I would have commented, but I was meeting some of the people there for the first time, so my confidence was low. :mad: I am going to bring it up with the boyfriend in a more personal setting which I'm hoping will have more of an impact.

I definitely am seeing it as jealousy but also very childish at his age. 24!!! I am a few years older. I'm hoping that the boyfriend will stand up for me but I will not know his reaction untill i see him...friday or saturday? I am normally ccepted int friendship groups and if i have ever had any problems its usually the girls that find it harder to accept me. I tend to get on with boys rather than girls but this situation has thrown me.

I am not happy playing second fiddle to his friend, which is why we are arguing. the boyfriend said that we hadnt had firm plans and that i had spent the previous night with him and the full day. this is still ongoing... I see it as him dumping me when his friend clicks his fingers (i havnt mentioned it like this, just 'housemates'. The relationship is still new and we are still trying to find 'our pattern' of when we see each other. I am back at work now so no more days off together anymore.

CP

Counting_down_the_Pounds

Newbutold

He is a right noob! I have only met him three times and this is what I am met with!

Boyfriend is to blame on him finishing the evening with me short, which is still on-going argument. He is an adult, although probably too kind hearted, soft and easily swayed... which i think is the problem. But this is part of him and why i like him..? I can't ask him to change but he needs to learn to stand his ground or be more honest and open with me.

'You need to sit down and tell your bf how you feel & about the sly little comments his mate is making. However you need to be careful how you word it as the mate is crafty so your bf may just tell you his mate was joking & you have took things the wrong way.'

The above is what i am worried about. His mate is crafty and already has us arguing. i'm not sure how to phrase it so i dont come across as not liking his mate or that i took it the wrong way. This has only happend on two occasions, (3x in one of the days) but i want to nip it in the bud straight away.

I'm worried as i now have to make up with the boyfriend and bring this up straight away...

I can't believe that it has been going so well for it to get so bad so quickly with just this one guys interferance. Although during the argument the boyfriend has said that he doesnt want to break up with me and that we'll work it out. Which is why i am confident in that he wants to be with me.

I have so far managed to ignore his comments and enjoy the day with the boyfriend and his friends, I am worried that if i tell the boyfriend, he will tell/ask his mate about it and then he will then know that it bothers me. I know that i can not keep quiet about it though. so i guess i have to risk it getting worse and hope that the boyfriend likes me enough to want to be with me and keep an eye on his mate.

CP

Counting_down_the_Pounds

BitterAndTwisted

I would love to get rid of the tag-along gooseberry 'mate' unfortunately for me its not even like he hasn't got a girlfriend. So I can't put it down to that. Just a little distance away but far away enough for him not to see her too often. Poor girl is all i say !!!

CP

Counting_down_the_Pounds

Jojo,

It's been nearly three years and i am still sensitive about the whole new realtionship thing but I am not yet 30 and would like to still marry and have children one day. (if i'm lucky enough) I am just seeing where things go. This is the first guy i have met since that i have felt any connection with instantly. (Went on a couple of dates) When you know... you know. Who thought that could happen twice !!!

'Is it possible that you are a little full on because you know more than most that time can be short and it can be wasted on small things before you know it?'

This is what i have been avoiding. I know this sometimes comes out in my frustrations, for example, I cant stand TV anymore. but i have been carefull in the relationship. we see each other maybe one - three times a week. normally from 10pm untill 11 am. so you can see these are not long times or anything. I just had some annual leave to take so i have been matching his days off for the last three weeks. I wouldnt call this excessive and he has not said i dont want to see you untill he just !!!!!!ed off. but i am worried about this, a very good point.


Or are you just a little bit too meek and mild to respond to a complete !!!!!! head who probably thought he'd be able to shag everything he'd ever wanted to with his best mate as wingman whilst his loving partner wonders when she'll ever see him again?

Ha-ha Do you know me? haha Yes, i was in a situation of meeting some of his other friends for the first time and since we hadnt really made up i did feel a little vulnerable.

'I'd be inclined to keep the voice recorder on my mobile phone going.' interesting... i will see if my phone can do this.

That is, of course, if you don't feel able to smile sweetly and reply to him when he is sarcastic in public 'Well, I didn't know you two were in an exclusive relationship, dear' or, when he says something spiteful 'I'm so sorry, darling, but I'm with xxxxx, your compliments and declarations of eternal love are lost on me' - or

this would be lost on them as they have 'guy love' already....(Scrubs) so they joke about this all the time.

'when's Nursery back from Easter holidays?' - this is good. i am keeping this for future useage. :beer:

Of course, there is the 'I think, as xxxx has told me that everybody hates me and I should f off out of his life with you, perhaps it might be time for me to move on.'

...and this Ha-ha. This actually i really do like !!!

Obviously dangerous, you might end up finding out your boyfriend isn't actually that bothered, but might that be better than keeping quiet and not ever finding out?

I'd rather know and not waste my time on him if he feels like that.

CP

Counting_down_the_Pounds

Keep the help coming...enlightening for myself to !!!

Thanks

ammonite

I agree with all of the above about the idiot/jealous best friend but I also think the boyfriend shouldn't have left you and seems to have issues standing up to his best friend.

A friend (friend X) of mine really struggles with one of her friends(friend A) and although she is confident she can't stand up to friend A at all. Friend A says what she wants, talks about people behind their backs and is confrontational to everyone if they dare say anything back to her...so friend X just keeps quiet because it is easier and a quiet life is what she wants, she doesn't want confrontation all of the time. Friend X loves friend A a lot because they have been friends for years and years so despite the way friend A behaves, friend X will never give up on her due to loyalty.

Your story about the boyfriend/wicked friend struck a chord and reminded me of friend A and X. Perhaps your boyfriend just can't stand up to him? Sounds like the friend is very controlling. But, ultimately then it is his decision of whether its more important to stick with his friend or more important to stick with you. I can't bear boys who don't stick up for their girls and the fact he left you on a night out is not good.

I like this suggestion: "I think, as xxxx has told me that everybody hates me and I should f off out of his life with you, perhaps it might be time for me to move on." - see what he says and if he says "ok see you then"...you know it is for the best. Hard but better in the long run. xx