Boyfriend's Best friend throwing toys out the pram

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Judith_W wrote: »

I would definitely say something to BF as otherwise I doubt you could cope if the relationship just carried on as it has been and nothing changed. Don't say 'your friend says no one likes me so maybe I should move on' as this sounds quite petulant and potentially like you are trying to create a me or him situation, you are more mature than that.

Also, if the friend has just recently moved in with your BF, he may be more jealous than normal as he is excited about living with your BF and may have reverted a bit to when they were teenagers. Not that this is an excuse but may get less bad after a while of living in each others pockets.

I am hoping that this is the case, but the way he said it was just really nasty. I have encountered girls that do not like me but never a guy. I am more of a tom boy and get on better with the guys rather than girls but this has totally thrown me.

Another issue that came to light yesterday was that i'm not sure the friend is going to pay his rent and deposit for moving in. (why he's moved in before paying the deposit i'll never know!!!) its due at the end of the month and already seems to be making excuses....i only get paid weekly etc. but does have shiney new sunglasses so...i'm not sure he is going to pay up in time, we'll see. but if he doesnt it will take the shine off him moving in and i'm sure that when my boyfriend has no money to cover the rent he wont want to be going to the pub to with the person who owes him the money!!!

i do think your totally right about the fact that he was excited about moving in, then after realised that the boyfriend was spending his time with me. It wasn't an issue untill he moved in. :mad:

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BugglyB wrote: »

I think there are two issues here. One is his friend being rude to you. He shouldn't say things like that, especially out of earshot of your boyfriend. I would either bring it up directly with him or tell your boyfriend the things he has said. Chances are your bf will already know this man has a mean streak. Keep it calm and non confrontational and not about how much time you spend together but about the 'fat' comments and so on.

The other issue is spending time together, and I think you need to be more flexible about this. When you say



that makes me think you're well on your way to becoming the stereotypical 'ball and chain'! Did you have firm plans? Its a very new relationship, and your boyfriend needs time not just with his housemate and with you but also for his own life and his family and other friends and hobbies and interests. At this stage, he should be desperate to see you, not trying to justify how long he's spent with you to get a pass out to spend a night with a mate.

You need to up your game if you want this relationship to last. Have a few unavailable weekends. Be interesting and mysterious! Pursue other interests. Have a few evenings where he can't get through to your phone.

I agree that there are two issues here. Thank you for making it clearer for me to see.

1. He shouldnt be saying those things and be rude. However although my boyfriend says that his friend does have an odd sense of humour, which i have seem and been the butt of jokes is fine...when there jokes. not when they are said only to me in the sneaky way that he has done. I know they have known each other for a long time but i dont think that the boyfriend has ever seen this nasty streak as it has been done behind his back. i could be wrong. my boyfriend hasnt had alot of long term girlfriends and i am thinking that this could be one of the reasons why. I think i will be telling the boyfreind directly but in the way that has been suggested. ...'i dont think xfriendx likes me does he?' 'No he doenst, he's made it very clear by saying...'

2. ball and chain! haha. I am an ex-forces girlfriend and only saw my partner at weekends. He was also away alot on range and drills etc so i can cope witht he amount we are seeing each other. I think I am more keen than the boyfriend at the moment and due to losing my ex parnter would probably like to move things further quicker. But i definately not a ball and chain kinda girl. I enjoy my own friends and time away from him. I have been on my own a long time and have found it difficult to adjust back into the 'dating' world.

the relationship is new and we are still trying to find 'that' pattern. due to some annual leave i had to take before he end of the month we decided to take his days off so that we could see each other (work patterns are unkind to us - his change on a weekly basis and finds out the day before the rota for the following week so unable to make any plans in advance :mad:)

I guess being a girl i thought that he would think...hang on in a week she'll be at work so i should spend this time with her and can see friend next week when she's at work. and i did mention this but as he's a guy he's like well i spent one day with you, now one day for this friend.

from monday i shall be back at work (he'll be working bank hol, i'll have them off :cool:) so there will be less even less time to spend together. but ususal guy...realised too late and cant be told !!!

(Sorry i am being sterotypical here about guys and how they think but this is just my opinion based on previous experience. )

Another problem is that becuase he gets his rota so late (comes out saturday, so he wont know what he's working sunday untill saturday) we cant make plans, which means (being a girl i have a diary and i book people in as i have alot of friends to see) i cant make plans with friends otherwise we would never see each other. He knows this.

The thing i find annoying is that his housemates do work the same kinda rota so when they finish at 10 they will stay up untill 4am as this is thier 'evening' (generally not in work till 12) so they do spend this time together.

When we first got together we spoke about this and how it would work. it seems its only worked so far as i am on flexi time and had alot of annual leave to take. it will come to a head next week and i am sure he will miss me. perhaps i have been too accmodating and flexible.

i probably see him 3x a week and he lives with his friend so they spend that time together when not at work... thats life...you get a girlfriend something has to give? work or some time with friend?

The boyfriend knows its a problem as he is looking for other jobs so credit to him there...and it seems i have prompted him to look for something better as he does want to spend more time with me because he has told me. he is on minimum wage but a graduate so anything is better. I am even helping him to look.

The relationship is still very new and i am just meeting his friends. I do not expect him to choose me or his friends. ever. i would not want that. its probably a few teething problems. but i think when i next see him i will be asking to make proper plan in terms of how it is going to work as just leaving it, seeing as and when isnt working.

Sorry i have waffled... but just trying to explain.

thank you for all your comments!

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burnoutbabe wrote: »

i would just say to boyfriend "did i do something wrong at the picnic on x as according to friend, the others all hated me and wanted me gone, i would hate to think i inadvertently put me foot in it somewhere"

so then you are grassing matey boy up, but in a non grassy way, like you are wanting feedback.

Basically call him out on all daft comments and repeat them straight away, out loud, as though clarifying what he is saying.

And seeing a boyfriend 10pm to 11am sounds like a booty call, not a boyfriend!

I think this is a nice way to start the conversation off and to ask for feedback. I think i will use that, as like you say drops him in it without me coming across as slagging his mate off. i do wonder if he is expecting it. I nearly text him last night saying that although i enjoyed the day something happend that upset me. but lets talk about that next time i see you. but i didnt want boyfriend to ask friend if anyting happened so he could get in first saying i bet she hates me....i bet she says this. as i do think he is that crafty from what i have seen. so i have left it and wait untill i see the boyfriend.

I dont think i am confident to call him up on the comments...he is the type of person who would easily turn it to me and then a joke. As i have jokey bantered with him and basically he is quicker witted than i.

As for the booty call...does feel like it sometimes. :rotfl: again hours. i do 9-5. he does 12-9. so sometimes he'll come at 10pm, sleep by 12, i'm up at 6:30am leave at 7. but we have to make do with what we can. i have weekends off so is nicer we both stay up late and sleep till 11. We are still trying to find a pattern, work around, even if he moved in with me i wouldnt see him much untill he got a better job!!! he has applied for a few but no luck. i am on flexi so i will try and finish earlier on his days off... around 3 so we have one or two evenings a week if no day off together.

CP

pogofish

I'm actually wondering if the "best friend" might just fancy you himself?

Although he may be going about it in the most childish, knob-ended way, it is exactly the sort of stuff advocated on those "How to get girls" books and websites - Which claim to provide strategies to increase a person's status and superiority over everyone around them and make them irresistable by dint of their "wild, whacky and unpredictable" personalities. Aye, right....! Most times they end-up coming-off like rude, insolent, immature and unstable boors.

Also, does he know you are a forces widow? I suppose he must and IME, a lot of civvy guys do have some strange and frankly pretty rank ideas about women who have been with men in the military.

Either way, the best friend and BF/GF dilemma is a common one and IMO, its the duty of any true friend to respect their friends relationships and give them the space they need to flourish - but still be the same good friend whenever you do see them.

So yes, it looks like you and your BF will maybe have to develop a strategy for coping with this guy, or have him step back from your life altogether.

Don't get dragged into any catty mud-slinging contests with him, quality shows and counts!

Good luck!

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j.e.j. wrote: »

I don't know what's going on this mate of your BF's. He sounds unbelievably immature for a 24 year old! I remember a situation years ago, when my then-boyfriend's best friend was jealous of our relationship, but that was when we were, like, 17, and it was BF's first relationship, and so the friend felt put out and rejected. It doesn't sound like that's the case here.

I think you need to lay your cards on the table. You surely deserve better than to be treated like this. Tell your BF what's been going on (print out your first post even, and let him read it) and take it from there. If he chooses not to believe you, then it might be time to move on.

He is immature...thinks it's hilarious to undo girls bra's repeatedly. Seems to be his favourite trick. He did this to me the first time i met him, about 10 times. i laughed it off and commeted to the boyfriend that he's like a 12 year old and will he get bored of it? in private the next day. Apparently not.

I think after we have discussed the first argument...around time and when we are actually going to see each other. i will be telling him. I dont think i will be as blunt as letting him read what i have written but along the lines of... he doesnt like me..? what do the rest of your friends think? as i'm worried im not going to fit in as 'friend' as this...

CP

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thorsoak wrote: »

Speaking personally, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't say anything ...just yet. Wait until the next time you are out together, as a couple, and The Friend turns up. That is your cue to leave, saying "well, I will leave you two alone now - don't want to be the gooseberry - (to B/F) "phone me, and we'll arrange a date when we can have a date on our own, and I'll see if I'm free"........

To quote Jonathan Livingston "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were"

I would love to do this but i dont want to be the girlfriend who doesnt socialise at all with the boyfriends friends, as then i will get accused of taking him away from them. I like to socialise and i want to meet and get on with his friends. i dont think its healthy in a realtionship to just see each other and not the friends. my ex? partner was in the forces and never had a problem with the 'boys'

I love that quote. My boyfriend has already said that he doesnt want to break up over it or anything, and he was the one who invited me out to the park with his friends even though we hadnt made up or chance to speak because he does want to spend time with me and his friends. together like a normal couple and he knows we have little time. I hadnt contacted him after the argument. He contacted me so i am a great believer in this and as its so early days (and with my tragic past) we have made a connection and i am positive that he feels alot for me at this early stage. :j

CP

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euronorris wrote: »

OP - I think JoJo gave the best advice at the end of her post. If he wants to be with you, he'll still want to work it out and either get his friend to be more respectful or will ditch him. A good friend, a real friend, would want his mate to be happy. He wouldn't be sabotaging new relationships. And if he doesn't want to work it out, or tries to say there's nothing wrong, then at least you know sooner rather than later and can move on to find someone who deserves you.

Yes i totally agree.. it's just as the relationship is so new, how do i tell him that the best friend who's just moved in is not playing nice? it will be very awkward for my boyfriend having to live with him and as another poster said, sorry forgot name, that he will be dripping poisen in his ear each time he is home. I hope that he feels for me that will cancel that out!!! But thats a big ask against peer pressure you have to live with... there are worse things in life i know.

CP

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hazyjo wrote: »

He needs to grow up and decide whether he wants to be in a relationship. Sorry, but it doesn't sound like he does atm. Been out with blokes like that many moons ago - they only grow up when their friends all start pairing up. Wouldn't want to be with a bloke like that now...!

Jx

This has crossed my mind at one point that he hasnt quite fully grown up yet. However he also lives with two other couples. and the 'friend' in question is not single, just a long distance relationship. (can see why - small doeses and all that! haha) and it wasn't a problem untill this guy moved in. i think it could also that the friend didnt realise the time the boyfriend was seeing me, and becasue its more than he see's his girlfriend is jelaous...?

I certinly will not want to be with him unless he grows a pair with this friend. it will be a deal breaker as in i will refuse to see this friend. which obviously puts me at a disadvantage with all his other friends seeing as they all live together. :cool:

All the boyfriends other friends are lovely... including the girls :T

Acc72

Hi OP,

Here are my thoughts.

You are young and relationships (certainly those only a few months old) should be fun - this relationship isn't fun as it stands.

You could speak to your boyfriend and he may change etc. etc. but this is unlikely and I feel that he will stick with his mate (at which point your relationship will become less fun).

I understand where you are coming from, but not every boyfriend/relationship needs to be long term and lead to marriage etc.

I am not sure about your family/friends/work colleagues/support etc. but my advice would be to see this boyfriend and go on dates as a couple and enjoy yourself - if you are not enjoying yourself for whatever reason then move on.

In the meantime, look to increase your hobbies and social circle and maybe have a few more boyfriends and more fun before finally settling down.

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Nicki wrote: »

I'm guessing as he shares a house with this guy, that he is drip dripping poison about you into his ear when you are not around, so you need to say something so that your OH knows there is another agenda going on there.

Maybe something low key? "Jack doesn't seem to like me much? Is it me or does he generally take a while to warm up to your new girlfriends?". Then if he asks what makes you think that, you can give a few examples.

ahh this is what i am also worried about. from what i gather my boyfriend went home upset that we had argued and probably confided in this friend. i think he was annoyed that the conversation was on me? and that my boyfriends mind was on me. which he knows more than he should and how he was able to say the nasty things about us arguing.(i had asked the boyfriend if he wanted me at the park or asking out of politeness or if he felt he had to as i said i didnt want to be where i wasnt wanted if he wanted time with his friends - which is where the his comment came from 'no one likes you or wants you here) i am thinking to ask boyfriend to confide in one of his other friends as they might not make nasty comments to me and respect his confidentialty.

This makes me think that the friend is just trying to cause trouble between me and the boyfriend.

I think i might use your comment. thats a great way to break it in conversation. Thank you