Is this abuse?

Mojisola

Butterflymind wrote: »

I hate it when he's still not speaking. Usually I bend over backward to please/appease. Had to really fight myself not to. I have to rmind myself that I did see him do things to the dog, not imagining it, I typed it on here...

I know my memory is bad, (have IBS), he often talks about things I can't remember them happening, goes into great detail, still I can't remember. Goes on about it, sometimes I just agree even if I don't really recall it. Have relied on his memory more than my own, as I get things wrogng...

I would be doubting myself if I hadn't typed it down an re-read it. Was I blowing things out of proportion? etc...

I am sticking up for myself from now on...

Glad to hear that you're taking some control.

Are you sure that these things really happened? This is another destabilising technique abusers use to keep their victim unsure of themselves.

Keep strong.

Valli

Butterflymind wrote: »

I know my memory is bad, (have IBS), he often talks about things I can't remember them happening, goes into great detail, still I can't remember. Goes on about it, sometimes I just agree even if I don't really recall it. Have relied on his memory more than my own, as I get things wrogng...

Honestly? I wasn't aware that IBS caused memory problems BUT why not keep a diary? Online if need be...just to keep track of what HAS happened and compare it to what he SAYS happened.

Or save time and go.

victory

Butterflymind wrote: »

...

I know my memory is bad, (have IBS), he often talks about things I can't remember them happening, goes into great detail, still I can't remember. Goes on about it, sometimes I just agree even if I don't really recall it. Have relied on his memory more than my own, as I get things wrogng...


BM

I am not sure that IBS causes memory problems? Believe in yourself, what you say and what you do, believe, believe, believe he is not right all the time, he is wrong, treating the dog so badly is so wrong, treating you like he does is mental abuse, believe you have options, opinions, reason them out and you will understand you have the right to speak up and do things your way, on your terms, for you, for your sanity, believe in yourself

Yorkie1

IBS may not cause memory / concentration problems, but anxiety certainly does.

Good luck in staying strong.

easilydistracted

Butteflymind, I hate to sound really harsh, however it seems like you've realised this is an abusive relationship but aren't ready to go. In the current situation, is there anywhere else your dog can go? You could re-home him for a bit and pretend her slipped the lead perhaps. I hate to suggest it as it seems like you adore him, but I am worried he's going to get seriously hurt. also perhaps thinking about him in this way could be the trigger for you to make the escape.

Steel_2

Not sure if this is the same thing, but my father used to make up lies about conversations that he swears he had with both me and my mother and when we couldn't remember he would accuse us of having mental problems or not to be trusted doing something. When I was strong enough I turned it back on him and started doing the same thing to him as he did to me. I can keep a poker face when I have to after years of not showing a flicker of emotion on my face when he was verbally abusing me. To do so would have either satisfied or inflamed him further.

You mentioned that you were/are depressed and I can't remember whether you said you were on any medication for it. If you are on medication for anything, might be worth finding out if it does cause slight memory loss. But by no means take it as read that you do just because your other half says it's so.

For the record, my father is very domesticated too...cuts no ice with me because he behaves like a sh*t.

Just out of interest, why is he now walking the dog? I thought that was something you enjoyed doing and were doing to help you get out of the house.

Don't let him take that from you.

As for the sex thing, you know how wrong that is. You brought up how uncomfortable it made you feel and he disregarded it and carried on.

So wrong of him on so many levels.

EDITED TO ADD: Forgot to say, I agree with others who have said do not allow that redundancy money to go into your joint account. Ring up and tell you work to hold the payment for a few days until you can set up an ISA or a savings account for it, then ask them to transfer it there.

Steel_2

Just found this list that I wrote a long time ago on this forum about the tactics these people use.

Some of these might ring some bells for you Butterfly...

• Gaslighting - mind games that make you doubt your sanity
• Playing with history - rewriting things that happened so they look good or you look bad. Often pretending they have no memory of an incident and you made it up.
• Changing the subject - they talk over you, interrupt you, shout over you, ignore you when you speak
• Accusing you - to hurt you, shock you, to throw you off balance, sometimes blatant sometimes implied.
• Projecting - you'll be accused of faults or feelings they have
• Undermining and insulting - chisel away at your self esteem to gain control of you
• Blame shifting - it's your fault/the postman's fault/the mechanic's fault. Never theirs.
• Stock phrases - "You made me do it" "I never thought I'd see the day when a daughter of mine..."
• Reward and punishment - could be material possessions and money or a smile and their approval
• Creating camps - to create an outcast and gather support from others against them
• Lying - blatant or subtle, sometimes exaggeration of an incident.
• Dredging up the past - surprising how much detail can be remembered from 10/20/35 years before and then thrown in your face
• Putting you on the defensive - distorted facts, skewed logic so you end up having to defend yourselves
• Invoking fear and anxiety - so you're too scared to speak up and want to keep the peace so they get away with their nastiness
• Being a martyr - they're always the victim, YOU'RE the bully
• Demanding rewards - usually for things that normal decent people do, like being nice, kind or courteous
• Isolating you - by guilt, anger, rage, turning people against you, poisoning them against you
• Creating self doubt - every mistake you make is jumped on and used to support their arguments that you don't know what you're doing
• Making you their dumping ground - you're being used as a verbal or physical punchbag for no apparent reason, they just feel like it
• Meaningless apologies - so they can get things back to 'normal' and do nasty things to you again
• Using children - used to hurt you and as a new victim for their games as well.

Mojisola

Steel wrote: »

Just foudn this list that I wrote a long time ago on this forum about the tactis these people use.

Some of these might ring some bells for your Butterfly...

• Gaslighting - mind games that make you doubt your sanity
• Playing with history - rewriting things that happened so they look good or you look bad. Often pretending they have no memory of an incident and you made it up.
• Changing the subject - they talk over you, interrupt you, shout over you, ignore you when you speak
• Accusing you - to hurt you, shock you, to throw you off balance, sometimes blatant sometimes implied.
• Projecting - you'll be accused of faults or feelings they have
• Undermining and insulting - chisel away at your self esteem to gain control of you
• Blame shifting - it's your fault/the postman's fault/the mechanic's fault. Never theirs.
• Stock phrases - "You made me do it" "I never thought I'd see the day when a daughter of mine..."
• Reward and punishment - could be material possessions and money or a smile and their approval
• Creating camps - to create an outcast and gather support from others against them
• Lying - blatant or subtle, sometimes exaggeration of an incident.
• Dredging up the past - surprising how much detail can be remembered from 10/20/35 years before and then thrown in your face
• Putting you on the defensive - distorted facts, skewed logic so you end up having to defend yourselves
• Invoking fear and anxiety - so you're too scared to speak up and want to keep the peace so they get away with their nastiness
• Being a martyr - they're always the victim, YOU'RE the bully
• Demanding rewards - usually for things that normal decent people do, like being nice, kind or courteous
• Isolating you - by guilt, anger, rage, turning people against you, poisoning them against you
• Creating self doubt - every mistake you make is jumped on and used to support their arguments that you don't know what you're doing
• Making you their dumping ground - you're being used as a verbal or physical punchbag for no apparent reason, they just feel like it
• Meaningless apologies - so they can get things back to 'normal' and do nasty things to you again
• Using children - used to hurt you and as a new victim for their games as well.

This should be a sticky!

Jane2112

BM, just read through this thread and this is me 20 years ago - as so many other posters have said. I agree with all those who say - get out and protect yourself, but if you are not up to that at the moment, protect yourself by moving imortant documents i.e. passport, marriage certificates etc to someone you can trust. Make sure your money is seperate from his, do not agree to using your redundancy money.

One day you will look back at the day when you finally stood up to him and told him to leave and it will one of the best days of your life.

I now have a fantastic OH, we work as a team, laugh at furry food in the fridge, done worry when someone forgets some grocieries and have hobbies independant of each other. We each have our own money and a 'shared' house account.

You will get there.

Ellejmorgan

hi sweetie

I have just ended a very emotionally abusive relationship..there is support, try the freedom programme who are running programmes to help educate with dv..if it hadn't been for what i learnt i wouldn't have ended my relationship, i wouldn't have been strong enough..

i have just had a baby and i've had 8 years of him leaving for no reason, shouting at me and the kids, witholding medical treatment when i've been ill even after c-section, preventing me from breastfeeding my newborn, taking my money, picking fault with evrything, going weeks without speaking to me, all while living in my home when i pay for everything..He even said once 'it wouldn't bother him if i'd died'..

He has another kid with someone else that he created when on a break and gave this kid the same middle name as our child, not that I knew this when i took him back..

I'm also disabled and had to weigh up could I cope before he left because this time he didn't want to go just stay in my house and treat us badly..Now 6 weeks on i'm better mentally, still have difficulties but that's mainly because i'm in poor health with 3 kids..

I can do what I want, i don't have to walk on eggshells, I don't have to argue over minor things, or stand up for myself..Life is so much easier and i'm very much looking forward to the future..

A bully is a bully end it's not right for you to be be treated badly or have your mental health affected..