Is this abuse?

Butterflymind

Dear Mojisola, and all

I read this back and I sound pathetic. I keep hoping and hoping the niceness will stay, and I feel happyish, but then the thoughts start creeping in, 'How long will it last?', 'Would he get angry if I did x,y,z?', so I even feel guarded now when he is nice to me.

He says I am always miserable and boring, and never want to do what he wants. If I buy his favourite snacks, beer, I am trying to kill him, if I don't buy them, he complains that I should and he's still hungry.

He shouted at me last week to 'Control your dog for f***s sake!' I was having breakfast in the back room, he was with her in the front, and not doing what he wanted. How can I control her from another room?

Doing my own head in, thoughts are going round and round and round, can't think straight. Somehow, even doing housework, or gathering paperwork together, seems like an impossibility. Taking all my energy just typing what's going on, on here...

So, even when I am in another room completely, I am still wrong... I feel really tired now, will try and keep up with everyone's replies, thanks for reading all this moaning.

BM

Mojisola

Butterflymind wrote: »

I read this back and I sound pathetic.

I feel really tired now, will try and keep up with everyone's replies, thanks for reading all this moaning.

None of us think you sound pathetic. What you're saying is a result of the way he has made you feel. Your words are the same words that have been used by bullied people the world over.

Keep strong and gather as much support around you as you can. You will be able to be yourself again when you get free from this domination.

Mrs.W_2

Neither you nor your actions are pathetic, BM. Daily, you negotiate a minefield created by the man you live with; that shows great strength. But that strength could and should be put to much better use.

sassyblue

You are NOT pathetic!! You have been ground down.

Please read your posts over again and ask if it's worth living a life like you have?

It really isn't BM you are worth so much more. xx

Butterflymind

Hello all

Thank you again. It's hard to get my head round stuff.

I really want to thank the person who mentioned 'Traumatic bonding'. Googled it, and, now, finally I am beginning to get it, even down to how I feel unconnected to myself, as if it isn't really happening to me...

Going to admit to something really embarassing and kind of humiliating. He does things I don't like during sex sometimes, which makes me feel really uncomfortable, and even though I've said I don't like it, he tells me I do like it really else I would've stopped him... Kinda feel numb about it now, like it didn't really happen...:(

It's not happening now as his problems mean that he can't have sex.


We don't sleep in the same bed any more, as he's had problems, I'm relieved, as he used to toss and turn all night, thrashing around, I never got a proper nights sleep, it was like torture. Because of this affecting work, I had to literally beg him to let me sleep apart from him, & his later health problems meant he preferred it.

Hard to admit to this, but I am really looking at our relationship now, without the rose-tinted glasses.... Cannot believe what I am putting up with. I think of my mum too, silly things like my dad insists she dunk his tea-bag 14 times as thats the only way it tastes right, and he can tell if she hasn't done it... LB moment, if I have married my dad, I am also becoming my mum....

Traumatic bonding: aka Stockholm Syndrome...

Valli

Oh sweetie...don't let him win - because his 'prize' is your life - you only have this one, don't waste any more of it on him, please...
If you have redundancy money then you have the means to start again wherever you want to go.

fannyanna

This is blunt but......

What are you going to do about it?

thehappybutterfly

Oh Butterflymind, you're me 20 years ago. I'll not go into detail - it's the same old story really (but I am really surprised by how common a story it is). Oh. My. God. Get out now. I felt sick reading about your wee doggie - just try and imagine if that was a child, your child, in the midst of potty training / sleeping through the night / learning to walk. What in God's name would he do to "train" him or her? It doesn't bear thinking about does it? And believe me, a child would be the next weapon he would use to tie you to him and keep you dependent (although I don't know how old you are). I could cry for you sweetheart. You know what you need to do but I completely understand that it might take a wee while yet for you to be in the right place. I knew I had to get out of my relationship for a years but it took a punch in the face to do it. Our whole relationship consisted of me being in hysterics when he started, thinking (never saying out loud as I was too scared) "right that's it, I've had enough!" but never doing anything about it but after that punch, I felt so calm and I KNEW that was the last time I'd let this happen and I never once wavered.

I felt left on the shelf at 26, single parent, my life was over. Hah! I'm now happily married (16 years) to an amazing man with another child and I couldn't be happier. Well, once we get out of debt I'll be even happier!

Keep us posted BM - we're all thinking about you xx

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

And don't go out and leave the dog with him.


You could come back to find her gone.


(that's a very common one, to get rid of a pet that a partner is prepared to defend)

Butterflymind

Hello all
Might have to stop typing quick.

OH was offended about me defending dog again. He says he would never hurt her. He looked so sad, tired, etc., I honestly had to fight the urge to apologise to him. I hate conflict, and he's giving me the sad eyed, silent treatment.

I feel very guilty, like I am an absolute cow for saying it...

When I got up this morning, he'd taken dog out, gone for ages, and I must admit some anxiety. But they both returned, he hung out washing, put on another load, and decided to ring plumber to fix rather than replace boiler...

I hate it when he's still not speaking. Usually I bend over backward to please/appease. Had to really fight myself not to. I have to rmind myself that I did see him do things to the dog, not imagining it, I typed it on here...

I know my memory is bad, (have IBS), he often talks about things I can't remember them happening, goes into great detail, still I can't remember. Goes on about it, sometimes I just agree even if I don't really recall it. Have relied on his memory more than my own, as I get things wrogng...

I would be doubting myself if I hadn't typed it down an re-read it. Was I blowing things out of proportion? etc...

I am sticking up for myself from now on...

BM