Is this abuse?

Butterflymind

Dear MSE'rs

Sorry if this isn't the right place to post - not sure where else to put it.

Long story short, off work with depression, being made redundant, now my counsellor is telling me my OH is being emotionally abusive (I have posted a longer ramble under the Domestic Abuse Guide sticky).

Basically he is being very negative, and at weekend, even though I was pleased I had managed a lot of housework, because I made mistakes, e.g. buying dvd's we already had (and returned them), and then he found some groceries had gone off, he is saying he will take charge of buying them as I am 'not capable'. It made me feel upset, v. low, and a total failure...

He is not physical at all; but, he also 'accidentally' showed me a woman's name on his mobile, claiming she worked in office (I know who works there - and she isn't any of the 3 women there), then deleted all his texts. Again felt v. low and worthless.

So much more - he has even been jealous that I give more attention to our new rescue dog.... Yet I feel like a bad person, for complaining, as he can be so nice to me, help round house, etc... Feel like I imagine it sometimes/paranoid, etc.:(

BM

victory

You have to be careful with depression because you can see negatives wherever you go, it is the state of mind, you don't have to look for them, they are there at all times and any negative gets taken out of context and is made massive.

Impossibe sometimes I know but keep the positives close to you, you did a lot of housework that is a great positive, try to not cloud it with the wrong DVD's, take the positives and run with them.

Every single accomplishment pat yourself on the back, praise it, smile aobut it, enjoy it, believe in it.

It is true you can get paranoid so to stop that ask your OH who this woman was and why he showed you and then deleted all his texts?

j.e.j.

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear MSE'rs

Sorry if this isn't the right place to post - not sure where else to put it.

Long story short, off work with depression, being made redundant, now my counsellor is telling me my OH is being emotionally abusive (I have posted a longer ramble under the Domestic Abuse Guide sticky).

Basically he is being very negative, and at weekend, even though I was pleased I had managed a lot of housework, because I made mistakes, e.g. buying dvd's we already had (and returned them), and then he found some groceries had gone off, he is saying he will take charge of buying them as I am 'not capable'. It made me feel upset, v. low, and a total failure...

He is not physical at all; but, he also 'accidentally' showed me a woman's name on his mobile, claiming she worked in office (I know who works there - and she isn't any of the 3 women there), then deleted all his texts. Again felt v. low and worthless.

So much more - he has even been jealous that I give more attention to our new rescue dog.... Yet I feel like a bad person, for complaining, as he can be so nice to me, help round house, etc... Feel like I imagine it sometimes/paranoid, etc.:(

BM

It doesn't sound like a healthy situation, to be honest (without judging either of you). I would say deal with the depression first and foremost, and then try and get some insight into the dynamics between you and your OH. I know self-help books aren't for everyone, but have you tried Paul Gilbert's book Overcoming Depression? Many people say they find it very helpful and insightful.

Also, just a thought, but is it possible for you to get away for a while, just a short break somewhere, where you can be yourself and not have to face the pressure of 'being perfect' all the time. It might give both of you a break from each other (Depression/mental illness is hard for both the sufferer and the person/people close to them).

fluffnutter

Is there a reason why you won't/can't believe your counsellor?

clearingout

Personally, yes, I'd say it was emotional abuse. However, I have never suffered with depression so I can't say or really understand how that might impact on how you view things or understand things that are being said.

Is it possible, for example, that taking over the grocery buying is about making sure you're not over exerting yourself whilst you recover? As you have written it - that you are 'not capable' - is in my eyes abuse but it may be a poor choice of words on his part with a positive intention? However, it feels all wrong to me and I don't want you thinking that I'm saying it's OK 'cos I don't think it is!

My ex used to tell all and sundry that I 'couldn't cope' with life generally (it was a stock phrase he used over and over) and it does wear you down after a while. He also had a habit of offering me something and then taking it away so I would get told 'I would have taken you out this evening, only you have shouted at me so I'm not going to bother'.

You need to take care of you. Keep talking with your counsellor and hopefully people will have some good ideas for you. Thinking of you xxx

fannyanna

Firstly, sorry you’re going through a hard time. It’s bad enough when you’re coping with depression but the added worry of being made redundant can’t be helping.

I must confess that I struggle with the term and idea of emotional abuse. I wont go into my views as they are long and complicated and likely to upset some people – which I don’t want to do. So I’ll avoid trying to give a carte blanche ruling on whether I think you’re a victim of domestic abuse and just give my direct comments to the examples you have provided.

Butterflymind wrote: »

Basically he is being very negative, and at weekend, even though I was pleased I had managed a lot of housework, because I made mistakes, e.g. buying dvd's we already had (and returned them), and then he found some groceries had gone off, he is saying he will take charge of buying them as I am 'not capable'. It made me feel upset, v. low, and a total failure...

I can see this from both sides.

Sometimes it’s easy to criticise other people, especially for what we view as silly mistakes. He may see these mistakes as incompetence and feel that he wouldn’t make such mistakes. Hence wanting to take control of the situation. In my opinion it is not unreasonable to recognise a weakness in your partner and identify a strength that you possess. It would appear though that his approach was aggressive and resulted in you feeling upset. This is not reasonable. I think you both need to sit down and discuss your strengths and weaknesses as a couple.

I can only talk for my relationship but I’m a lot better than my Husband when it comes to many practical things. I sometimes label him as useless but have to remind myself that whilst I am strong in these areas and he is weak there are many areas where he is stronger than I am.

He is not physical at all; but, he also 'accidentally' showed me a woman's name on his mobile, claiming she worked in office (I know who works there - and she isn't any of the 3 women there), then deleted all his texts. Again felt v. low and worthless.

So much more - he has even been jealous that I give more attention to our new rescue dog.... Yet I feel like a bad person, for complaining, as he can be so nice to me, help round house, etc... Feel like I imagine it sometimes/paranoid, etc.:(


To me this strikes of a power struggle in the relationship. He has an insecurity / jealousy towards the affection that you show your dog. His way of resolving this is to try and put you into a position where you feel an insecurity / jealousy by making you question who this woman on his mobile phone is.

Obviously I don’t know the in’s and out’s of your relationship so I could be way off the mark but it sounds as though there is not much open communication in your relationship. Neither of you are honest about your feelings and instead you use actions to try and communicate – and it backfires.

Please do not think that I am being critical of you because I’m not. It’s quite funny because I can immediately think of a number of examples where this happens in my relationship – although I would still assert that my Husband and I have a happy relationship but like anyone we have to roll with both the highs and the lows.

EDITED: I've mentioned about labelling my Husband as useless. I should clarify that I don't actually say this to him and instead they are thoughts that go through my head before I remind myself that I am equally as useless at certain things that he is good at lol.

BugglyB

I think it was wrong of your therapist to say that on an introductory session. I'm sorry you're feeling low at the moment. Sometimes we can't see the wood for the trees.

Womens Aid have a good guide for are you being abused. Have a look at these questions and answer honestly to yourself:

Has your partner tried to keep you from seeing your friends or family?

Has your partner prevented you from continuing or starting a college course, or from going to work?

Does your partner constantly check up on you or follow you?

Does your partner unjustly accuse you of flirting or of having affairs with others?

Does your partner constantly belittle or humiliate you, or regularly criticise or insult you in front of other people?

Are you ever afraid of your partner?

Have you ever changed your behaviour because you are afraid of what your partner might do or say to you?

Has your partner ever destroyed any of your possessions deliberately?

Has your partner ever hurt or threatened you or your children?

Has your partner ever kept you short of money so you are unable to buy food and other necessary items for yourself and your children?

Has your partner ever forced you to do something that you really did not want to do?

Has your partner ever tried to prevent you from taking necessary medication, or seeking medical help when you felt you needed it?

Has your partner ever tried to control you by telling you you could be deported because of your immigration status?

Has your partner ever threatened to take your children away, or said he would refuse to let you take them with you, or even to see them, if you left him?

Has your partner ever forced you to have sex with him or with other people?

Has he made you participate in sexual activities that you were uncomfortable with?

Has your partner ever tried to prevent your leaving the house?

Does your partner blame his use of alcohol or drugs for his behaviour?

Does your partner control your use of alcohol or drugs (for example, by forcing your intake or by withholding substances)?

Butterflymind

Hello all

Thanks for all the replies and advice.

I am finding it hard to accept, tbh, because we did separate over 10 years ago (he was possessively jealous, interrogated me every day, rang me to check when I finished work, etc.) and we went to Relate so I thought he had changed. I don't want to think that he hasn't. I do care about him - but I got to the end of my tether & suicidal when he decided the best time to tell me he had alump in his groin was the day my beloved aunt died of cancer (turned out to be a hernia). I had the horrible suspicion that he couldn't bear me paying attention even to a ill/dying relative....

Yet feel I am a horrible person for thinking this....

Confused...

BugglyB

Butterflymind, you mention in your other post that he pressured you into getting a joint account.

You dont have to define or not define it as domestic abuse if that makes you uncomfortable. What you can do is take practical steps to your own independence so you can see with a clear head.

Open your own account and have your money/wages paid in there. If he asks why or gets angry say 'Because thats how I choose to manage my money'. Make sure you have a safe place you can go to if you decide to leave for whatever reason, and that your documents - bank card, passport, etc - are all in order and in one place. Try and have a few hours time every week where you can walk or sit with a clear head on your own.

Butterflymind

Dear BB

Just to say, yes, to some of those (but not the worst ones).

He always used to say, regarding his jealousy, that he was doing it for me, because he wanted to protect me. He also threatened to kill himself when we separated, said he was dying of bowel cancer (he had piles), and wore me down until we got back together....

BM

BugglyB

You also mention in your other post that he is so nice because he wants to be there 24/7 for you. That is not a good thing. You need to have your own time, space, friendships and interests, and asserting that is not a selfish thing. Don't apologise for feeling suffocated. Follow your instinct. You don't need permission from anyone to change things in your own life.