Is this abuse?

tinktinktinkerbell

arbroath_lass wrote: »

Maybe he is. Or maybe he's belittling her. As neither of us were there we'll never know.

that very true

liney wrote: »

By calling her incapable?:(

ok i agree he could have worded it better but when i read this i didnt automatically think the worst

Steel_2

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

no one is belittling her

maybe her hubby is trying to take some of the pressure off her

If you read some of the other posts from Butterfly, on this thread and the domestic abuse sticky, far from taking off the pressure he's piling it on and been doing it for years.

Making Butterfly believe he had bowel cancer and would kill himself if she left him doesn't really take the pressure off and has actually forced her to stay beyond the point when the relationship should have ended and would have.

And telling someone they're not capable because they let something go off in the fridge...sh*t...I must be the most incapable person in the world because I have some mushrooms in my crisper I spotted this evening that have started evolving.

My husband hasn't labelled me incapable and taken over the shopping and cooking. Just told me he doesn't fancy them in the pasta sauce tonight :rotfl:

Steel_2

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

re the woman on phone, i dont think thats abuse but its very clear hes trying to make you jealous

It could be designed to make her feel insecure and give her a subtle (or not so subtle) dig to remind her that there is someone who can take her place if she doesn't tow the line...been there, didn't care by then and wasn't interested when he rang me up a couple of weeks later to tell me what they'd done in bed together.

I was just so glad to be rid of him.

EDITED TO ADD: forgot to say Butterfly, if you're concerned he'll find out about your thread here (and it sounded earlier on that you might be as you said you had to go as he would be home soon), clear your history so he can't see what you've been looking at.

Steel_2

I've been thinking about this over dinner.

Butterfly your other half knows he has a problem due to his childhood and has admitted that. That's actually quite positive.

You said in another thread he now denies he was ever jealous even though you went through relate counselling together about his behaviour. Do you think if it was a choice between you staying and going he might embark on some counseling of his own or go back to Relate? It sounds like you made some progress back then but now he's going backwards again and is in denial.

If he made a conscious effort to address his past and he changed for the better would you stay? Or do you have no feelings left for him any more?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

He sounds a complete pr ick.


Dump the dead weight.

He's weighing your life down and sucking all the joy out of it.



To give an idea of what they are like - and that you aren't a fraud - a potted history of a relationship follows;


It started with 'let me know you're safe', which developed into 'I'll come and meet you', to 'let me go out for you because it's dangerous after dark', to 'there are rapists on every corner'

to 'if you meet a man, they'll rape you because you're out after dark so have to be asking for it' to 'I'll go out for you during the day to save you the effort' to 'there are drug addicts and nutters galore outside' to 'why did you go out when I left the house?' to 'who were you meeting?'

to 'I called and called and texted and you haven't answered, who are you with?' to 'can't find my keys so I've taken yours as you won't be going out' to 'You've brushed your hair. What's his name?' to

'You aren't going out. You have responsibilities in the home. And why can I smell aftershave?'



Someone I know said recently that;


'some men just can't handle women with a personality. So they spend their lives trying to erase it until they are left with a shadow.'




I'm not a shadow.


And you don't need to be one anymore.

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you everyone for your thoughts on this. Especially Steel, yes, I think our dad's may be clones! Even now if I don't instantly answer a question right he says 'I thought you were supposed to be clever!'

OH is being super-nice to me, when he thought I was at counselling this week, it's tailed off when he found out it's next week...

I still feel so up and down, I guess I love him when he's nice, but it doesn't last. I have to remind myself that his behaviour contributed to feeling like killing myself when my aunt died, (lost 4 people last year, and brother had a heart attack, parents ill -his response was implying he had cancer too).

Now apparently I am also training our dog completely wrongly; he 'disciplines' her by holding her off the ground by the scruff of her neck, or dragging her off the bed by her legs, and ignores me when I protest. He says I am too soft with her. I point out she was mistreated. He then gets upset when she cringes and runs away, so treats her gently, strokes and cuddles her, plays with her, gets her confidence back, and then shouts at her again so she runs away. Poor little sod doesn't know what to do, and is all submissive round him... God, that sounds so familiar.

He said you have to break her spirit to make her obedient... I feel so worn down by it. At least when he's working she has love, affection, and positive training from me.

When we got her, he insisted on going on two really long walks, although I'd spent months barely being able to function, or going out the house, so I couldn't walk far without being knackered. I didn't protest, just got on with it, as I knew he'd start saying I should not have her if I can't walk her. Ended up that he exhausted himself, and complained how tired he was all week, that he'd 'over-done it'! At least I was able to rest and take it more slowly when he was at work. I forced myself out the house twice a day, for my dog's sake, to give her a routine and stability that I don't think she's ever had. I've house-trained her, taught her to walk on lead, and even small commands like 'sit' etc. But I am still apparently wrong.

Sorry this is turning into a saga... I am trying to say that I am loving the dog, feel I have something to love, and having love returned, something I feel I've missed for a long time, but, at the same time, feel bad that she's on the receiving end of his bullying, trying, and failing, to stop him doing it. I guess it's lucky in a way we don't have kids.

I am typing this and wondering why I can't get up the motivation to do anything, feel stuck.

BM

BTW I asked him to go to counselling too, and he refused.

Mojisola

Butterflymind wrote: »

Now apparently I am also training our dog completely wrongly; he 'disciplines' her by holding her off the ground by the scruff of her neck, or dragging her off the bed by her legs, and ignores me when I protest. He says I am too soft with her. I point out she was mistreated. He then gets upset when she cringes and runs away, so treats her gently, strokes and cuddles her, plays with her, gets her confidence back, and then shouts at her again so she runs away. Poor little sod doesn't know what to do, and is all submissive round him... God, that sounds so familiar.

He said you have to break her spirit to make her obedient...

For heaven's sake, get yourself and the dog out of there! You are never going to change his mind - he is treating you exactly the way he's treating the dog. To make you "good" he's going to have to break you first.

sassyblue

Butterflymind wrote: »

He said you have to break her spirit to make her obedient...

That's the first post on this board that's reduced me to tears.

I won't tell you what l want to do to your husband, but it ain't pretty.

renegade

Mojisola wrote: »

For heaven's sake, get yourself and the dog out of there! You are never going to change his mind - he is treating you exactly the way he's treating the dog. To make you "good" he's going to have to break you first.QUOTE.

I second that, get out before he starts' beating you with a stick 'and killing your little dog.
Get help from a Refuge for Women unit in your area if you have nowhere else to go.

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you for your replies, it made me feel tearful myself, a bit.

Seems like there aren't that many tears left, like I've had to wall off my feelings, just to carry on every day, until I reached breaking point.

I am now trying to convince myself it's not that bad, he does do a lot, he's stressed over his job, health problems, etc. I hate to admit it but I am scared of doing anything to rock the boat. That putting up with the nastiness is worth it for the nice things he does... That it's me at fault - if I was a better housewife, wife, etc he wouldn't get annoyed or critical and it would be ok.

Better the devil you know, and all that. Trying to blank out the bad bits. I guess I am trying to run away from confrontation, never was any good at it. But when I re-read these posts, its like it's happening to someone else, and I feel I am watching it from outside myself, if that makes any sense?

I read what people are saying, I can see what's happening logically, but emotionally it isn't getting there, we've been together so long, I wonder if I can even change myself?

It's cold feet, fear, shame, apathy, depression, sadness, wishing things were different, all rolled into one. I will carry on with the counselling, see if I can get my messed up head together....

Sorry, for some reason I can't get a response when I thank people on the 'button', but I am amazed that so many of you have replied, helps knowing it has happened to others, kind of feeling stunned, 'rabbit in headlights' at the moment.

Appreciate everyone's support, sorry that there are too many of you to reply to each one...:o