Is this abuse?

Steel_2

He's not really leaving you with much choice is he Butterfly?

Live like this the rest of your life and turn into a shadow, as Jojo put it, or make a change and get the life you want.

He's showing he can be cruel to an animal, and unfortunately that kind of lack of empathy for something that has been mistreated doesn't stop with animals.

The part where he treats her gently and when she doesn't immediately trust him throws a fit to me is the most chilling. It's what he's doing to you. Also, it sounds like he's only being nice to the animal when you remind him she's been mistreated. Maybe he thinks the animal should 'just get over it' ?

I have three abused rescue cats and they need consistent love every day. One of them was abused terribly when hubby got her at 3 years old and now she's 16 she still cringes in fear sometimes, but you never shout at them as that reinforces the message that they should be scared of you.

I'm going to agree with some of the other posters here about finding out about a women's refuge or going to stay with a relative for a while. You're going to find it incredibly difficult to get better, find a job, regain your confidence and save to leave when you have to fight this every day. Also, you have joint bank accounts so he can watch your money, which will make it difficult to put anything aside.

If you do decide to go, I think you need to open up a separate account so your benefits and any other money you get can go in there. You also need to get some of your basic paperwork together.

Steel_2

Butterflymind wrote: »

I read what people are saying, I can see what's happening logically, but emotionally it isn't getting there, we've been together so long, I wonder if I can even change myself?

It's cold feet, fear, shame, apathy, depression, sadness, wishing things were different, all rolled into one. I will carry on with the counselling, see if I can get my messed up head together....

I wrote my post above while you were posting yours Butterfly...

Of course you can change yourself! It's not easy and there will be bumps along the way but you are capable of doing anything you want. It doesn't seem like it at the moment but one day it will.

Good luck with the counselling.

Butterflymind

Dear all

I keep on feeling better, just for describing my 'every day life'; struggling to get my head round the fact that not everyone lives like this.

It's been 'normal' for so long, it feels strange to think it can be different. I do feel, however, now I am not leaving the house except on dog walks, not contributing through a job, that he is actually getting more bullying.

I always used to encourage him to visit his mum (after his parents divorced, because his dad was so jealous and possessive!); as she's the only one he has, but every drive home was a misery as he would list any negative comment she made (or what he construed as negative) was proving to him how abusive she was to him. Namely agreeing to the teachers that he should be in a special school.

If I disagreed, he'd get really angry, and go on and on at me. To the point that now I say I'm not suggesting any visit's, it's up to him. So we see her so rarely now that she's upset and ironically blames me! I miss seeing her, though I guess she wouldn't believe that,any more than she would believe her son doesn't want to see her...

fannyanna

I've skim read this thread since the last time I posted and it appears that you are in a very unhealthy relationship.

I don't really have any advice and I can see that you're already getting great advice but this made me need to post again.....

Butterflymind wrote: »

Now apparently I am also training our dog completely wrongly; he 'disciplines' her by holding her off the ground by the scruff of her neck, or dragging her off the bed by her legs, and ignores me when I protest. He says I am too soft with her. I point out she was mistreated. He then gets upset when she cringes and runs away, so treats her gently, strokes and cuddles her, plays with her, gets her confidence back, and then shouts at her again so she runs away. Poor little sod doesn't know what to do, and is all submissive round him... God, that sounds so familiar.

He said you have to break her spirit to make her obedient... I feel so worn down by it. At least when he's working she has love, affection, and positive training from me.

How he treats your dog is disgraceful and upsetting. What makes it so upsetting is the fact that the dog can't do anything about it. She can't stop him and she can't leave him.

You however can. Do not become that poor defenceless dog.

Melonade

You are very upset by how he is treating the dog and so you should be!! My advice (although I haven't ever been in your position) would be to look after your dog, don't let her be treated in this way as it's very unfair and cruel.

Get you and the dog out of there for both your sakes. One day you'll look back and realise you wouldn't of left if it wasn't for the dog and really she helped you restart your life.

Good Luck.

Butterflymind

Sorry all

Had to break up mid-post because he came home unexpectedly. He either doesn't come home or choses different times when he's at work...

Strange that it takes seeing how he treats the little dog that's driving it home to me how he treats me... Couldn't acknowledge it before, but, trying to protect her makes me think about his behaviour.

When i told him I had been going to over-dose and talked myself out of it, and the GP said he should hide any medication in the house, he did nothing and ignored me. I felt he didn't care if I lived or died, and seriously thought about ending it... Funny how I did nothing, felt it was my problem, etc.


When I tried to talk to him about how I felt, he said I was bringing him down and it affected him. So I didn't bother talking about it anymore. Feel like I am just moaning and complaining, and generally feeling sorry for myself...

Struggling to keep up the 'I'm fine' face, to GP and OH, when inside feel hollow. Going to look at the WA web-site again, thanks for reading all of you...

BM

BTW Thanks to those who advise deleting my history, but, it may be ok as he doesn't really use computers, doing it anyway...:)

BeckyArch

He sounds just like my ex.

He started off lovely and we were happy for a time while he got himself established in my life. Then the comments began.. just little things really, but similar to your OH, saying I was incable of doing something.. it got to the point where I questioned everything I did, and blamed myself for everything that wasn't perfect (even if i knew it wasn't my fault deep down).

He gradually isolated me from my friends, making me feel guilty if I spent time with anyone but him. One time, I really wanted to go to my university ball, but the day of the ball he threatened to kill himself.. I spent all night with him trying to change his mind. The next day it was like nothing had happened...

Like your OH said about having the break the dogs spirit to make it obedient.. this is what he is doing to you..this is what my ex did to me..

At the time, I think I knew something was wrong, but because I had convinced myself I loved him I ignoored it and carryed on with the relationship and became depressed and suicidal.

I managed to get out though.. as someone else on here said, it took my over a year but I kept having nagging thoughts that something was not right, which eventually led me to leave him.

I am now happily married to a wonderful man, we bought a house together and we are expecting our first child. Leaving my ex was the best thing I ever did.

Maybe I didn't leave sooner because he had broken my spirits too much that I thought that I couldn't cope on my own, and that no one else would ever want me..

You can leave him, you can move on from this, you will find someone else. Please don't stay with him because he is nice some of the time... the bad most definately outweighs the good..

Good luck..

Steel_2

Butterflymind wrote: »

When i told him I had been going to over-dose and talked myself out of it, and the GP said he should hide any medication in the house, he did nothing and ignored me. I felt he didn't care if I lived or died, and seriously thought about ending it... Funny how I did nothing, felt it was my problem, etc.


When I tried to talk to him about how I felt, he said I was bringing him down and it affected him. So I didn't bother talking about it anymore. Feel like I am just moaning and complaining, and generally feeling sorry for myself...

There may be another reason he did what he did... and one he couldn't tell you about. He's threatened to kill himself before but it was all rubbish because it was just attention-seeking and trying to get his own way and make you stay with him.

Maybe he assumed because he does that, you do it too, and that's why he never bothered doing anything?

I agree with you about how this kind of oppresssive living can feel normal because it's been going on so long. I only realised what normal really was when I met my husband and his family. People who loved and supported each other, who welcomed me with open arms...it was a revalation.

Edited to add: I just found this a few moments ago and thought it was somehow sort of appropriate. It is an extract from a father's letter of reply to his young son, who had written to tell him he was in love...

First—if you are in love—that’s a good thing—that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second—There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you—of kindness and consideration and respect—not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.

It struck a chord with me because I used to feel sick and small and weak because of someone selfish, mean, grasping, and egotistical who was too consumed with their own self-importance to care who they hurt in their quest to be 'loved'.

Butterflymind

Steel & all

Thank you. I am reading so many similar things happening to other people - do these blokes all operate from the same manual?

I keep thinking back to when we first got together, he was amazing, loving, kind, considerate, and even liked housework! I could not believe that I was so lucky, and felt actually grateful to be loved so much.

Then I think how I walked on egg-shells, never knowing if he would start accusing me of having affairs (even when we worked at the same place, how on earth could I be 'at it' surrounded by work colleagues?). Then the separation, Relate counselling, promising the earth, even adopting children as trying to have our own failed. He kept making excuses, I got all the leaflets, talked to agency, etc. then he told me he changed his mind...

And now this, it hasn't been the first time he's claimed he's dying. We have been to hospital at least 6 times in the last 10 years, he's had camera's in literally every orifice, MRI scan (when he thought he had brain tumour), but any ailment that's been found is minor and not life-threatening. I can't tell you what it does to the stress level's going through tests and waiting for results.

I know the way round all the main hospital's in the area, picked up a lot of medical terminology, but still get accused of being uncaring, as I am not running around waiting on him all the time. This life of mine is sounding worse and worse.

He has been trying to feud with the neighbours for daring to talk to him over the fence when he's in our garden, claiming they are making life a misery for him and won't leave him alone. I am 'wrong' for suggesting being polite as we live so close, and never back him up. The other week I heard him banging on the party wall at 3am, waking me and the neighbours... God, it's like everything is pouring out of me that's been bottled up for years. It's so wearing trying to reason/calm him down all the time.

Every job he's ever had the people there are horrible to him, and he doesn't get on with them, or isn't respected, and every time he expects me to reassure him that he's in the right. He doesn't like working, resents having to, and, I feel, continuously complains about it to me like it's my fault.

Gives me all his work stress daily when I really can't cope with it... Mr Angry. Of course my attempts to calm or advise are wrong. Thank god for anti-depressants. At least now I am not working I've had a chance to grieve for the 4 people we have lost, even grieve for my job, trying to get over feeling rejected and worthless.

So sorry all, this is rambling on and on with moans, next thing I will be saying he's the butler, he dunnit, or he's started World War III, and responsible for all the world's ill's....! :cool:

Just venting - like puncturing an infected wound and all the badness is oozing out... Can't seem to stop myself. I am now going to lie down in a dark room with a cold wet flannel on my head and try and think straight.

Mojisola

Butterflymind wrote: »

Just venting - like puncturing an infected wound and all the badness is oozing out... Can't seem to stop myself.

Don't try to stop. You've had a light-bulb moment - don't switch that light off now.