Is this abuse?

tinktinktinkerbell

Butterflymind wrote: »

Now apparently I am also training our dog completely wrongly; he 'disciplines' her by holding her off the ground by the scruff of her neck, or dragging her off the bed by her legs, and ignores me when I protest. He says I am too soft with her. I point out she was mistreated. He then gets upset when she cringes and runs away, so treats her gently, strokes and cuddles her, plays with her, gets her confidence back, and then shouts at her again so she runs away. Poor little sod doesn't know what to do, and is all submissive round him... God, that sounds so familiar.

oh hell no, get out now!

Ruffles_2

I don't know if it will be of any use to you but if you do pluck up the courage to leave and are worried about what to do with your dog, the Dogs Trust runs a project called the Freedom Project.

Basically, they offer foster places for dogs belonging to women fleeing domestic abuse, until they are back on their feet and in a position to have their dog back.

I really hope for both you and your dogs sake, you find the strength to get out.

Valli

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

oh hell no, get out now!

and you think the OP may NOT be in an abusive relationship?

Have to say OP that the warning signs are there. Please don't let his threats impact on your decision.

Being alone and single is much nicer than being monitored 24/7

Mrs.W_2

BM, I can't help thinking that since starting this thread you are rediscovering your voice, and beginning to push his out of your head. A small but crucial gain!

Butterflymind

Hello all

Thank you again for all your advice and support. Somehow it makes me feel stronger inside again, something I haven't felt for a long time.

When he was pulling our dog off the bed by her hind legs last night (she was on her back submitting to him as usual) I found the voice to say 'Don't hurt her!' He was so surprised he actually stopped, and I was surprised he listened. He really stared at me, right in the eyes, but I didn't back down. Weird thing was he turned around and walked out and never said a word. Felt kind of strange, but, I was so relieved he didn't hurt her...

I know you are all making so much sense, but, I honestly am convinced he wouldn't hurt me - physically at least. If he can stop bullying the dog and walk away, surely there is hope he can also accept counselling again? That we can work it out and make it better....? I don't think he means to hurt her, he just doesn't realise he's playing too rough...

We were talking about the future, and things to do on the house, like getting a wood burning stove instead of the gas fire, maybe replacing the boiler as the hot water has stopped working, and it made me feel like he does want things to work out, and does see a future together, it niggles me though that it will take up all my redundancy pay out, and I don't know when I will get another job, so I feel we ought to save it, as we only have his wage that will be coming in...

Kind of worries me that I will be finanically dependant on him...

I think I'd feel better if he was in counselling again, because of all his negative behaviour. He says he's moved on from the past and it doesn't affect him now, but he refuses to be reconciled to his family. I am starting to feel that he doesn't like anyone. He gets too over-sensitive about things they say.

I am going to try and talk to him about counselling again, try and make him see things from my perspective.

Mrs.W_2

Butterflymind wrote: »

....
We were talking about the future, and things to do on the house, like getting a wood burning stove instead of the gas fire, maybe replacing the boiler as the hot water has stopped working, and it made me feel like he does want things to work out, and does see a future together, it niggles me though that it will take up all my redundancy pay out, and I don't know when I will get another job, so I feel we ought to save it, as we only have his wage that will be coming in...

Kind of worries me that I will be finanically dependant on him...

Apologies for cutting most of your post, BM, but the above started alarm bells ringing.

You are quite right, common sense would dictate your redundancy money is best kept in case of a rainy day.

His wanting to spend the last of the money you brought into the house, along with those repeated requests for a joint bank account unnerve me. Removing your access to money restricts your freedom*. And, as you pointed out, you will be financially dependant on someone who holds his own interests above yours.

Wishing you success in talking about his return to counselling.

(*"The account password has changed? Oh, leave it me me to sort out.")

Mojisola

Butterflymind wrote: »

I know you are all making so much sense, but, I honestly am convinced he wouldn't hurt me - physically at least.

Talk to any battered woman and she will have said that before the hitting started. And once it has started, she will have said it was probably her fault because of something she did/didn't do.

All of us can hear the alarm bells ringing. Start listening now so you can hear them too.

sassyblue

Thank you again for all your advice and support. Somehow it makes me feel stronger inside again, something I haven't felt for a long time. Good!

When he was pulling our dog off the bed by her hind legs last night (she was on her back submitting to him as usual) I found the voice to say 'Don't hurt her!' He was so surprised he actually stopped, and I was surprised he listened. He really stared at me, right in the eyes, but I didn't back down. Weird thing was he turned around and walked out and never said a word. Felt kind of strange, but, I was so relieved he didn't hurt her... Good! Use that voice again.

I know you are all making so much sense Hooray! but, I honestly am convinced he wouldn't hurt me - physically at least. If he can stop bullying the dog and walk away, surely there is hope he can also accept counselling again? Maybe, but maybe not That we can work it out and make it better....? I don't think he means to hurt her, he just doesn't realise he's playing too rough... No, he wants to break her spirit....

We were talking about the future, and things to do on the house, like getting a wood burning stove instead of the gas fire, maybe replacing the boiler as the hot water has stopped working, and it made me feel like he does want things to work out, No, he wants to keep you dependant on him and does see a future together, it niggles me though that it will take up all my redundancy pay out, Yes, to keep you dependant on him so you won't have the money to leave and I don't know when I will get another job, so I feel we ought to save it, as we only have his wage that will be coming in... Wise thinking

Kind of worries me that I will be finanically dependant on him... Good!

I think I'd feel better if he was in counselling again, because of all his negative behaviour. He says he's moved on from the past and it doesn't affect him now, but he refuses to be reconciled to his family. I am starting to feel that he doesn't like anyone. He gets too over-sensitive about things they say. He's a control freak and he can't control them so he'll keep away form anyone who can get the better of him

I am going to try and talk to him about counselling again, try and make him see things from my perspective. Good luck

---

Sorry to be so blunt butterflymind but you won't change him despite all your hopes, he gives you just enough attention and kindness to keep you hanging on but not enough spirit to be an equal in the relationship.

Your signature says you're mortgage free (well done!) and you have that redundancy money. You need to get out, get out, GET OUT while you can.

Your forum name says it all too, in your head you are a beautiful butterfly that cannot break free.

fannyanna

Butterflymind wrote: »

I don't think he means to hurt her, he just doesn't realise he's playing too rough....

Are you going to use this excuse for him the day that his aggression turns towards you?

Mojisola

If he can keep you thinking like this, he may never have to resort to physical violence. Once he's broken your spirit completely and spent your redundancy money so you have no escape fund, leaving is going to be almost impossible. Please don't let it get to that stage.