Is this abuse?

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you all for your comments and advice.

I'm very touched.

OH is being so nice after the silent treatment, but, again he started dragging dog off bed by her hind legs. Again I defended her, and asked him how he'd feel if someone dragged him off the bed by his ankles. So he stopped and picked her up properly...

He's acting like nothing's happened, talking about stuff, arranging quotes. I am still feeling incredibly guilty for saying he's hurting her. He said he wouldn't have to do any discipline, if I didn't let her on the furniture. It's unhealthy (unfortunately she does like to roll in smelly stuff), dogs shouldn't be on sofa or anything.

I feel so guilty, as I tried to keep her off furniture, but she's so cute and loveable, loves climbing on my knee for cuddles and fuss, even falls asleep on me, but if he sees he drags her off my knee by her collar.

I feel like it's my fault she's being told off. So I shouldn't even cuddle her when he's not there, as he gets mad with her. She gets so scared at noises I just want to love and cuddle her.

Now he is saying that she takes up too much time, stops us doing stuff. And I think 'What stuff?' We don't go anywhere, see anyone, do anything. Walking her actually gets me out the house, talking to other dog walkers. And I do most of the care, feed, walk, train, poop pick up, taking her in garden for a wee. He's saying she's too much.

He just comes in from work, and doesn't want to know, and yet she's so happy to see him, bottom wiggling cos her tail wags so much... Sigh...

I think he resents the fact he has to wait longer for his tea because she needs her walk. I feel bad that I should never have had her, just wanted some joy and pleasure in my life, and she's given me so much, but I don't want her to feel scared, or unsure around him... Not being fair to her.

Yet he came home today, and he's laughing and playing with her.... Thanks for those suggesting Dog's Trust, at least she could be looked after.

I am determined I am standing up for her and for me, and saying no when I mean no. Sort out my own redundancy pay out and stand firm. He's still hinting about a wood burner, but, it's not like we need one with c.h.

I know I will probably pay for it, e.g. he paces up and down hallway muttering if I don't go to bed same time as him, as I disturb his sleep. It's fine if he decides to get up in early hours. I lay in bed waiting for him to get up so I don't wake him, even if my stomach gurgling/upset, I hang on. Still in the habit of appeasing!



BM is sticking to her guns

Gigervamp

Butterflymind wrote: »

He's acting like nothing's happened, talking about stuff, arranging quotes. I am still feeling incredibly guilty for saying he's hurting her. He said he wouldn't have to do any discipline, if I didn't let her on the furniture. It's unhealthy (unfortunately she does like to roll in smelly stuff), dogs shouldn't be on sofa or anything.

I feel so guilty, as I tried to keep her off furniture, but she's so cute and loveable, loves climbing on my knee for cuddles and fuss, even falls asleep on me, but if he sees he drags her off my knee by her collar.

Stop feeling guilty for saying he's hurting her. He should be the one feeling guilty for causing her distress.

We don't allow our dog to sit on the sofas now because she has problems with her hip and getting down off them causes her problems. When she was younger, we did let her on one of them, so your dog can be trained out of it.

Having said that, you could always put a blanket or throw on one chair/sofa and let her sit on that one. A throw can we washed regularly and it will keep the furniture clean. You obviously both get a lot out of your cuddles together, so using a throw is a good option I think. And don't let him pull her off your lap!

I really think you need to get out of this relationship, fast. Keep standing up for your dog, she needs protecting from his abuse. And the more you stand up for her, the stronger you will feel.

All the best BM.

Butterflymind

Hello GV

Thank you for your thoughts on this. I have huge throws on each chair, sofa, but OH still thinks its wrong to have her on it...

I have swung back and forth so many times on staying or going; just typing this takes heck of an effort. I think I have to take baby steps.

Standing firm is the first one, and sticking up for myself and doggie. Still on the a/d's (new ones offered by GP make you more drowsy and I need to be alert).

I am going to try and persuade him to go for counselling again, so at least he can see all these imagined terminal illnesses, and sleepness nights are just as stressful as being accused of sleeping with anyone & everyone - like I have the energy!

Still struggling with my terrible urge to please/apologise for being alive... Guess that all stems back to longing for approval/love from my dad, but, I am not a little girl anymore...

Don't think my self esteem could be much lower, I absolutely loathe myself just for complaining on here, like I am betraying OH horribly. Hope the counsellor can continue unravelling what's in my messed up brain.... May take a while...

Melonade

Butterflymind wrote: »

Don't think my self esteem could be much lower, I absolutely loathe myself just for complaining on here, like I am betraying OH horribly. Hope the counsellor can continue unravelling what's in my messed up brain.... May take a while...

I doubt theres anything messed up about your brain at all. This is probably exactly what your OH wants you to feel... just now you think it's down to you and not him.

As for him not wanting the dog anymore, I could see that coming a mile away as soon as you said you'd stuck up for her. Once the dog is gone then you have nothing do you? You'll have nothing to stick up for, or leave the house for or even care for. You'll be stuck feeling down and depressed and maybe then feel like you don't have a reason to leave anymore!!

What is your goal longer term? Do you see yourself staying with your OH. Do you dream that one day you'll be gone from this position your in and you'll do your own thing, get yourself feeling better and maybe one day (like others that have been in your position) find yourself a wonderful man who treats you well, loves and respects you?

I really hope you take the advice others have given you, maybe counselling will really help you see what you can do with your life, good luck.

rhoobarbcrumble

Don't let your husband do this to your dog.

Mrs.W_2

BM, it seems, that the man you live with has noticed you've been standing you ground and more than that, fighting your corner, over the last week. I bet that shocked the pants off him!

He will react to your new found independent thoughts and actions.

Even if you cannot currently foresee a point at which you might part from that man, it never hurts to have an exit plan. In actual fact, I wholeheartedly recommend one for you!

*Passport, bank /insurance/car/mortgage/rent documents, all personal papers in a safe place with a trusted friend.

*Keep enough money for one month's rent and deposit sitting in your bank.

*Looking up what assistance might be available to you through http://www.turn2us.org.uk/

It never hurts to plan for the future. And I am sorry, but I cannot be optimistic about your future with that man.

ETA: I don't call the man you live with your husband because he does not behave as such.

He is in strong denial of the deterioration of his mental health. I know the signs from a personal persective. The more he's asked to appraise his mental health the further he'll fight his corner and attempt to derail you.

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you for your thanks and concerns (still cant get thanks button to work!).

Mrs W, several people have mentioned this too, and I am now thinking its a good idea to gather paperwork, so I am going to do it today.

Just had a phone call from hospital so OH is having op next week. He plans to be off as long as possible.... Also said we should enjoy ourselves and spend all our (my) redundancy pay. Again I disagreed.

He said we deserve it...

Last night he said the dog is so soft and he can do anything to it, and she won't react. He said he bet he could even kick her. Then he placed his foot on her paw, and started pressing down. She just removed it from under him (with a bit of a struggle) and looked away. I just felt like slapping him, but, so apathetic I just sat there like an idiot. So mad with myself for sitting there.

Looks like I will have the pleasure of his company (and waiting on him) for weeks to come. We actually have our anniversary this week and I don't feel like celebrating at all. How sad is that?

Got some nice food, and he said I could get some supermarket flowers for it. Feel like getting completly drunk and out of it, altho shouldn't as my meds are affected.

Why do I feel I don't deserve to be happy, don't deserve better?

He looked so worried about his op, felt sorry for him, and yes we are going back to hospital. Again. Hate it. Watched my aunt dying in there. Feel I should do it to support him, but, feel so detached emotionally, like I am just going through the motions. Not fair to him...

I will still gather paperwork today, as won't get much chance next week, even though it fills me with guilt to even think of doing it. Still mixed up about it. Counsellor today so at least I can talk to her.

BM

Gigervamp

Butterflymind wrote: »

Last night he said the dog is so soft and he can do anything to it, and she won't react. He said he bet he could even kick her. Then he placed his foot on her paw, and started pressing down. She just removed it from under him (with a bit of a struggle) and looked away. I just felt like slapping him, but, so apathetic I just sat there like an idiot. So mad with myself for sitting there.

What a nasty, nasty piece of !!!!!!! :mad: No decent person would do that! I'm sorry BM, but he is abusing your dog and she needs to be taken to a safe place if you can't protect her.
You need to find out about getting her fostered ASAP until such time as you leave this man.

Mojisola

Gigervamp wrote: »

What a nasty, nasty piece of !!!!!!! :mad: No decent person would do that! I'm sorry BM, but he is abusing your dog and she needs to be taken to a safe place if you can't protect her.
You need to find out about getting her fostered ASAP until such time as you leave this man.

Absolutely agree!

He is also using the dog to test you. He knows very well that if you weren't under his control, you would have reacted very differently.

Butterflymind

Dear all

It may sound horrific, but, I feel 'desentitised'. Seen worse during our marriage. His family can be aggressive, and think its normal.

He had a 'rep' when younger, street fighting, and wasn't unusual for him to be challenged by other 'hard' men just to challenge this.

Also his family expect him to 'sort people out'. Saw them all attack 2 people in a pub car park for disrespecting one of the wives, luckily they got away in their car, although the in-laws were kicking their car all the way... Other things I won't go into, but, also arrested for fighting.

Shocked and upset me, but, when I protested, one of his brothers said that the bloke had called his wife names...

He talks about it fairly often, but, I said I didn't agree to violence and he agreed to leave it behind him.... So, looking at how he behaves isn't shocking to me anymore.

Sometimes I feel emotionally dead inside. But, looking after this little dog has stirred all this up in me. I guess I haven't stood up for myself for a while. But, this is beginning to push me out of apathy... Sorry if this shocks people, seen so many things, finding a relative dead, so many miscarriages, etc... that nothing seems to shock me now.

And I know I should be reacting against his behaviour, just feel like an empty shell sometimes, struggle to stand up for myself...

I will get paperwork. I will see counsellor. I will stand up to it.

Had a dream last night (long time since this happened as usually disrupted sleep). Mum and myself were living in an oppressive state (like the film 1984) and wanting to get out. Some weird alien offers the chance for me to go anywhere, do anything, but I had to do it now, without anyone else. But went back for my mum and dog, and lost the opportunity. Somehow managed to save the dog, but, we were stuck and it was too late, and we were crying....

Keeping chin up

BM