Is this abuse?

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you for your advice and offers of help. I am very touched by all of you thinking of me and little dog.

I know some of you are more experienced, but, I would feel badly about myself if I didn't confront him, at least give him a chance to change, or get help.

I would feel better about myself for standing up to him. Last chance... Been together so long, such a long history, hard to walk away...

I will not allow him to put one finger on the dog. But I don't believe he will do it again - I won't let it happen.

Haven't managed to gather any paperwork yet, but, I am going to do it as soon as I've finished typing this, just in case things go pear-shaped.

I really don't think he would hit me or anything like that. I would feel horrible walking away when he was in hospital... I can't do that. Even though he's behaved horribily to little dog, I have to make him see he can't do that.

We should be able to sort it out like adults, get him helped, work through this....

I know some of you believe there's little chance, but, I feel I have to at least try.

Fingers crossed...

BM

diggle

Dear Bm ,my offer still stands ,it may be useful to give you the time you require to sort things out and your dog will still remain your dog ,paperwork can be signed to state this.
try looking at it as giving your dog a ''mini break'' quite prepared to meet you somewhere close to your home .
give it some thought you have alot on at the mo, whilst your dog is your motivation to carry on ,can you at least question whether it is at all fair on the dog to be in such a situation ,and you will also have the added stress of hospital visits to contend with as well.
please give it some further thought ,
thinking of you and your dog ,
take care.
feel free to pm at anytime should the situation become to difficult and your dog is at further risk,it may be you have trust issues but hand on heart my main concern is for the welfare of your much loved dog.

sassyblue

Butterflymind wrote: »

I will not allow him to put one finger on the dog. But I don't believe he will do it again - I won't let it happen.

I think you are going to be let down on this belief BM but when he does do it it's another nail in the coffin for your relationship.

You are the better person for looking after him in his hour of need, just get your paperwork together so when you need to go you can.

I think you and that little dog are going to be just fine in your new life.

You sound just like my sister did at the end of her marriage... she kept having to give 'one more chance', please may l ask you to ask yourself why...? why when he has given you so much upset do you feel the need to give him another chance? It's like you're burying your head in the sand, in your heart of hearts you know what's going to happen....

Make sure you KNOW in your mind that if he lets you down you're leaving. Maybe you hope by giving more chances you won't have to make that decision so giving more chance is like putting off the inevitable?

Wellyboots6

Sorry to jump in BM but I have been following the thread.

I have noticed how many times your dog is mentioned. I think people are concerned for the dog because it has no say in this situation. You, on the other hand do have a choice.

Getting the dog fostered is such a good idea. You say you won't let your OH hurt the dog again, but can you guarantee this? If he does hurt the dog there is the risk that she will retaliate, and if she bites him then I am afraid you will have no choice on whether you lose her. Also, you may be putting her in the situation where she feels she needs to protect you. Again, you would end up losing her through no fault of her own as she would only be doing her job.

I work in a field where I come across situations similar to this, and someone ended up having to have their dog destroyed because it bit their partner when they were trying to strangle them.

For your dogs own safety fostering really is something to think about.

Remember, you have a choice in this situation but your dog does not.

I would also like to say I agree with the other posters who say not to discuss leaving with your OH. You would effectively be giving him an ultimatum, and he has already proved that he will do anything to have control over the relationship. If he feels you are challenging this control then there is no saying what he would do.

You say you feel you would feel badly about yourself if you don't talk to him, but I am sure you would feel even worse if you did talk to him and he retaliated and took it out on the dog. You have given him plenty of chances!

Think of the dog, you may have had your self-esteem worn down so low that you don't value your own welfare, but now you have something else to focus on. Use that to help motivate yourself to deal with this situation

Mojisola

katy721 wrote: »

Sorry to jump in BM but I have been following the thread.

I have noticed how many times your dog is mentioned. I think people are concerned for the dog because it has no say in this situation. You, on the other hand do have a choice.

Getting the dog fostered is such a good idea. You say you won't let your OH hurt the dog again, but can you guarantee this? If he does hurt the dog there is the risk that she will retaliate, and if she bites him then I am afraid you will have no choice on whether you lose her. Also, you may be putting her in the situation where she feels she needs to protect you. Again, you would end up losing her through no fault of her own as she would only be doing her job.

I work in a field where I come across situations similar to this, and someone ended up having to have their dog destroyed because it bit their partner when they were trying to strangle them.

For your dogs own safety fostering really is something to think about.

Remember, you have a choice in this situation but your dog does not.

I would also like to say I agree with the other posters who say not to discuss leaving with your OH. You would effectively be giving him an ultimatum, and he has already proved that he will do anything to have control over the relationship. If he feels you are challenging this control then there is no saying what he would do.

You say you feel you would feel badly about yourself if you don't talk to him, but I am sure you would feel even worse if you did talk to him and he retaliated and took it out on the dog. You have given him plenty of chances!

Think of the dog, you may have had your self-esteem worn down so low that you don't value your own welfare, but now you have something else to focus on. Use that to help motivate yourself to deal with this situation

I completely agree with this post but just wanted to add that, if you really want to talk to him about things this can wait until after you and the dog are in a place of safety. Leaving doesn't mean you stop communicating, just that you have some control over what happens to you and your pet.

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you. Special thanks to you Diggle - it makes me feel better that my dog can have a safe, loving haven.

I will take this on board, and, if things start to go bad, will p.m. you immediately. Still hanging on to the thought it will be ok...

I have finally dug out paperwork, inc bank stuff, qualifications, P60's going back years, passport, etc. even dog's registration things, vet card with injections, etc. All hidden in carrier bag in wardrobe. Just figuring out who can hold on to this for me now...

Makes me feel stronger just doing that. You don't realise what it means to me, talking to people on here, some of you have been through it, worse than I have, and come out the other side, getting your lives sorted out. It means a huge amount to me, gives me hope, and a warm feeling inside that there are a lot of good people out there.

Know I have counsellor and GP as back-up, knowing I can go if needs be.

I won't get redundancy for a couple of months yet - have to get out to a bank and sort that too. Feeling stronger than I have for years, and happier.

Just want to thank everyone on here for their support, advice and encouragement, and all those kicking me up the backside too!

Going on the advice of people here, I have decided to postpone discussion until OH has had his op, he won't be that capable of doing much afterwards, so will have to listen...

I know it sounds crazy, giving him another chance, but I guess he is under my skin. Even if I decide to stay and work it out, any more of his antics with the dog - I will find her a safe home, I promise, even though it breaks my heart to think of losing her...

I will be browsing the WA web site now, so, don't be surprised if I don't post again today...

Thank you so much, all of you...

BM

diggle

BM aware you are busy sorting stuff out ,please believe me i will be more than happy to look after your dog at short notice if needs be.
You are genuinely a good person [many would have left long ago]happy to store dog paperwork and keep up with vac's etc if needed,im sure she would get along fine here too albeit short term.
Really hope you get to resolve the problems you are experiencing but also believe myself chances are slim ,he may be the love of your life ,but it would seem you have a life without love[aside from your little dog] and that is the saddest thing of all,you are worthy of so much more .
take care.

sassyblue

BM l don't think you need to find the dog another home, if hubby fails again you and the dog should leave and get your life in order TOGETHER.

That little dog is helping you to see sense, he may be your lifesaver.

Butterflymind

Dear all

Special thanks again to you Diggle - you are a good person for offering so much help to my little dog. I have had a hard think about who else might look after her - my neighbour, as she loves dogs too, and spoils her own terrier (he is definitely the boss in their house). Or my mum's younger sister, who absolutely adores animals, and has 2 older dogs. I don't see her except on rare family occasions, but, I know she would be looked after there - I'd make sure I would pay for her food, etc. Aunt is probably better as neighbour is too close.

Long time since I've actually used brain cells and really thought about anything... Feels good.

I still haven't got to a bank yet. OH seems to sense something, keeps coming home earlier and earlier, splitting his lunch break into two parts. Never know when he's going to pole up. Am going to ask my mum to stash my paperwork, will have to confide in her, but I know she will worry... She wouldn't give it up to anyone though. Best time would be whilst he is hospital, could get some other things out too, just in case.

I am still holding on to the thought that I don't need to do this, that we can work it out, but it does give me peace of mind, makes me feel calmer.

Don't know why he is checking up on me more; maybe because I stuck up for the little dog? Counsellor asked me what my long term goals were, or my dreams, and couldn't think of anything. Guess the brain cells still need gearing up.

OH is being so nice, brought home a garden ornament, fussing dog, hasn't been horrible to her at all. Even been pleasant to me, hasn't criticised, gone on about past things I can't remember, or anything like that. I feel incredibily guilty for getting stuff together in case I go.

The urge to talk things out with him before his op is really strong, but, I won't do that till I feel I am in more of a stronger position - with stuff gone out the house, and in more financial control.

Reading some of the things that have gone on with other people is horrific. Trying to think in perspective, but I do realise that I waver on big decisions.

Even had the thought it would be easier if I should just change locks whilst he is in hospital, and arrange to put his belongings in storage, so he has no need to come back... Felt like I am being over the top though... He won't be able to move much when he's had it, and is expecting care from me, not eviction.... Think that I am being way too mean spirited if I do that.

Besides which, wouldn't put it past his family to turn up on door step and get aggressive about it, and find myself shoved out with nothing. Still, at least I would be out of the situation then...

All the stuff we have, it's just things, feel like I could walk away from all of it without a backward glance, even china I've collected... Because it's all a reminder of him, the past. Crazy I know.

Have to go, keys in the door.

BM

sassyblue

Butterflymind wrote: »

Even had the thought it would be easier if I should just change locks whilst he is in hospital, and arrange to put his belongings in storage, so he has no need to come back... Felt like I am being over the top though... He won't be able to move much when he's had it, and is expecting care from me, not eviction.... Think that I am being way too mean spirited if I do that.

It's not OTT at all BM, it's exactly what l would do - and the least he deserves - but then l'm not emotionally drained like you have been.

Well done for all you have achieved so far. :A