Is this abuse?

RacyRed

He is going to abuse your poor little dog as a way of asserting his control over you and last night you gave him permission to do that.

She was a rescue dog? Take her back, in these circumstances the rescue centre will take her in. Do it today, please. You are choosing to stay. She is totally dependent on you for her welfare and doesn't have that choice, you do. If you cannot do what is right for you yet, do it for her.

Then sit and balance the books. Your love for this guy and its benefits on one side of the page and the amount of happiness he sucks out of your life on the other.

RacyRed

Butterflymind wrote: »

Dear all

It may sound horrific, but, I feel 'desentitised'. Seen worse during our marriage. His family can be aggressive, and think its normal...


... Sometimes I feel emotionally dead inside. But, looking after this little dog has stirred all this up in me. I guess I haven't stood up for myself for a while. But, this is beginning to push me out of apathy... Sorry if this shocks people, seen so many things, finding a relative dead, so many miscarriages, etc... that nothing seems to shock me now.

And I know I should be reacting against his behaviour, just feel like an empty shell sometimes, struggle to stand up for myself...

I will get paperwork. I will see counsellor. I will stand up to it.

Had a dream last night (long time since this happened as usually disrupted sleep). Mum and myself were living in an oppressive state (like the film 1984) and wanting to get out. Some weird alien offers the chance for me to go anywhere, do anything, but I had to do it now, without anyone else. But went back for my mum and dog, and lost the opportunity. Somehow managed to save the dog, but, we were stuck and it was too late, and we were crying....

Keeping chin up

BM

We were posting at the same time.

You don't shock us. Many of us have "been there" in one form or another.

You will find your way to a better place, but you are the one who has to do it.

ydraiggoch73

Butterflymind - I don't know if this will be of interest to you but the link will take you to details of the RSPCA Pet Retreat service.

http://!!!!!!!.com/bszb5bm - link doesn't work - was trying to use !!!!!!!.

Here is the full link -

http://content.www.rspca.org.uk/cmsprd/Satellite?blobcol=urldata&blobheader=application%2Fpdf&blobkey=id&blobnocache=false&blobtable=MungoBlobs&blobwhere=1232999020755&ssbinary=true

Pee

I certainly feel that you are unhappy in your relationship, but I don't know if this is caused by you feeling negatively because of your mental health problems or whether these are becoming very difficult for your OH to support you through or whether it's because he is deliberately belittling you to make you more dependent, etc.

I have to say I think supporting someone through mental ill health is very difficult. I have had quite limited experience and I have found it a real struggle. For a start when I am working and someone else is not, I find it hard to understand why they are bored when there is lots that I can see that needs doing. I can't help thinking this, but you can imagine although I don't say anything it starts the evening off badly.

It isn't fair if you are not feeling well enough to work and we all sometimes waste food, but sometimes it can help to see it from his perspective.

If it is not emotional abuse and you are unhappy, you have the choice to leave.

Melonade

I 100% agree with what others have said about your dog. For her sake take her back to the rescue centre or get in touch with dogs trust and get her some safety!!!

As for the violence in the family and "sorting" people out well my opinion is that you have gone along with his excuses and are now using them yourself. My OH was arrested for violence and went to court befor we met. Got himself into plenty of trouble through fighting when he was younger. He would never use it as an excuse and in the 18 years we've been together I have never once seen him be violent to anyone. He knew when it was time to grow up and he did it.

Make sure you sort your paperwork out today and as for him going for an op next week... it'd my chance to get as far away from there as possible while he was under anesthetic I'm not even being sarcastic, I'm totally serious!! Use your redundancy money for a new start.

Get the dog somewere safe please, I hate animal abuse of any kind. She is depending on YOU to do the right thing.

Valli

RacyRed wrote: »

You don't shock us. Many of us have "been there" in one form or another.

You will find your way to a better place, but you are the one who has to do it.

My first marriage was abusive, he was a real git. When hubby number two started being stupid - and it was 'just' keeping track of me, checking mobile, accusing me of having affairs I never let it get much further. I warned him that if he didn't stop he would lose me - he didn't stop and I divorced him for his unreasonable behaviour. On a scale against your hubby it was nothing - but I had been dragged down once, there was no way I was going down that slippery slope again.

you know when he's in hospital?

go then.

Just get everything together and go as far away as you can.

Because IF you stay at home while he's convalescing he will have the money and he will have you at his beck and call.

Get onto Women's Aid and they will find you a place.

victory

Butterflymind wrote: »

Last night he said the dog is so soft and he can do anything to it, and she won't react. He said he bet he could even kick her. Then he placed his foot on her paw, and started pressing down. She just removed it from under him (with a bit of a struggle) and looked away. I just felt like slapping him, but, so apathetic I just sat there like an idiot. So mad with myself for sitting there.

The dog cannot protect himself/herself, it needs you to protect him/her, get the dog to a safe house, your OH is using the dog as a whipping tool as he has decided to play his nice card for a bit, it is all about control and he knows that the dog has none.

Why do I feel I don't deserve to be happy, don't deserve better?

You deserve so much better, when he goes for his op, take your redundancy money put it away safe so he cannot get it and move out.



Still mixed up about it. Counsellor today so at least I can talk to her.

Talk to the counsellor to the GP to anyone that will help you, do not put up with it, please look after yourself

tinktinktinkerbell

Butterflymind wrote: »

Last night he said the dog is so soft and he can do anything to it, and she won't react. He said he bet he could even kick her. Then he placed his foot on her paw, and started pressing down. She just removed it from under him (with a bit of a struggle) and looked away. I just felt like slapping him, but, so apathetic I just sat there like an idiot. So mad with myself for sitting there.

seriously GET OUT

why the hell are you allowing him to do this to her!!

you think she deserves this? do you think you deserve it? neither of you do! pack a back, pick up the dog and leave this pathetic excuse for a 'man'

Butterflymind

Dear all

I know you are right. I should protect my dog better.

Determined never to let him do that again... I am so selfish, I can't bear the thought of giving her up, and it's not right. He won't touch her again.

I've been to counsellor, and again she has said do you really think you can follow these steps and get better? Is it possible whilst OH is like this? And more questions about his behaviour...

I repeated what I have said here. She is telling me that I have a long way to go, and to take small steps, & is sending information to help me (after checking OH doesn't read post - he doesn't).

I think she is implying the same thing - leave, she asked me if I could see myself still with him in the future. I said no. Asked me why I was with him. Couldn't figure that one out myself. Still can't. Guess I am convincing myself that it must be love.

But not the good kind of love, like Steel said in her poem - the sort that makes you feel small and weak... Keep holding on to the hope that it will get better, if he changes jobs, gets counselling, etc.

She also asked if I could talk to MIL. I said no. Her youngest son beat up his ex-wife, but, according to MIL it's all the ex's fault - she apparently is twisted and tells lies....

Unbelievable - when she divorced their father for his possessive jealousy, but can't see that behaviour in her own sons!

Going to put dog and myself first instead of last. And talk to him, tell him he isn't supportive, he needs help too, I can't help him over his past issues, and it's not fair to take it out on either of us. Point out that he is a lot healthier than many people for his age, and has been 'dying' for last dozen years but still here.

Basically confront him on all these things, sort out my own redundancy, tell him to leave dog alone. Give him ultimation - get help or I am going because I can't take anymore.

He can't keep putting it back on me, that I imagine stuff...

Taking a stand

BM

suze200

BM I think it is unwise to talk to him again. It will let him know he is losing control and he won't allow that to happen. Just get out. He is not going to change. He will stop you leaving however he can (yes I do mean ANY WAY) if he gets the idea you really will do it. Believe me please I KNOW!!