Is this abuse?

Gigervamp

katy721 wrote: »

BM,

I am quite nervous now reading your recent posts. I suggest when you get chance you get that paperwork out of the house ASAP. Not only so that you have access to it later on, but also so he doesn't find a bag full of important documents that looks like its been hidden.

Things could change very quickly if he thinks you are starting to make plans.

Please be so careful.

Unfortunately, as others have said, it sounds like he has twigged something is up. His behaviour is changing and becoming more unpredictable. I think you may have to make your decision sooner rather than later.

Please re-read your posts. You refer to your dog as your 'alarm system'. In a healthy marriage you should not need an 'alarm' to warn you of your OH coming home.

Your posts really are starting to make for very uneasy reading.

This above.

I know that this board has a reputation for the "leave him, he's not worth it" brigade, but from what you've written, we're all getting those alarm bells ringing. Not just those of us who have experienced something like this, but others, who are still hearing those bells clanging loudly.

I wish we could speak to you in RL, give you the shoulder to cry on, the space to sleep one night if needed, the kick up the backside!

Unfortunately we can't be there in RL, but we ARE here wondering how you're doing.

x

Valli

Gigervamp wrote: »

This above.

I know that this board has a reputation for the "leave him, he's not worth it" brigade, but from what you've written, we're all getting those alarm bells ringing. Not just those of us who have experienced something like this, but others, who are still hearing those bells clanging loudly.

I wish we could speak to you in RL, give you the shoulder to cry on, the space to sleep one night if needed, the kick up the backside!

Unfortunately we can't be there in RL, but we ARE here wondering how you're doing.

x

I do hope no-one thinks I'm in that 'club' but

I have had two (failed) marriages.

Hubby no 1 was an abuser; for definite. What he claimed were things he did because he loved me. once I was out of the relationship I realised were not. One thing he did was meet me out of work - he would be sat in my car at the end of the day...and he did hit and I'm ashamed that I didn't give up on him after the very first time BUT it is control and you get to such a state - when I did push him out of the house he asked 'who will cook your tea?' (He wasn't working and I was keeping him) - I told him I'd cook it myself. he had thought I needed him - to the extent I would accept the abuse - but I got strong.

Hubby 2 was doing the watching me thing. Checked my phone . If the landline rang I would NEVER answer it - no point - I would have been itnerrogated - he would know who had called. So I let him answer all calls then he knew!
I rang him once, at work - within half an hour he was home, having clocked out early - he claimed, later, I had phoned him up to check he was at work because I had a bloke here..err no. He was utterly convinced, but for no reason I could work out, I was having an affair, which I wasn't. I asked him to come to counseling (he refused) and I warned him I could not live under constant suspicion - if he couldn't sort it out we would finish - so it never got 'bad' but living under constant suspicion was exhausting.

Well OP your husband now suspects something is up (IMO) a combination, perhaps, of you standing up to him and his own paranoia.

Anyway - HIS problems are just that - HIS PROBLEMS.

You owe him nothing. And what you have posted worries me. A lot.

Butterflymind

Dear all

Thank you so much for your advice. I think I can feel the vibrations from those bells....

I re-read this, and I am questioning whether his behaviour is 'normal'. Sounds stupid, but, not sure what normal is any more.

It's 'normal' for him to meet me after I finished work (when I was working), to have to ring/text and report in if I was running late, to explain why I have moved something in the house, even if it's a small thing, like a vase in a different place. Everything has to be in the same place, or I am messing things up, it's all got to be the same.

Huge discussion if something new comes in and where it's got to go. I remember him asking over and over why my knickers were half behind the radiator, and if they were clean. I honestly couldn't remember with him ranting on. Later I could - clean washing that I must've knocked off the radiator when closing the curtains... 'Reporting' automatically who I'd spoken to, what was said, every day. Listening to his endless rants about what the latest person that had done, i.e. something wrong to him, regardless of how I felt, including members of his family. Oh & my replies/advice were always wrong.

Usually me driving him home after visits, usually him drunk, going on and on about did I hear what so and so said, how very dare they and so on. I don't suggest family visit's any more. Tentatively suggested it might be nice if he saw his mum on mother's day. He felt a late afternoon visit would be bearable... However he was angry when he found out I'd bought her a present (a collectable item which she has recently got into enjoying).

If it's not 'someone done him wrong', it's the latest terminal illness he's convinced he has, hospitals, test, stress, stress, stress. When I had the nerve to tell him how stressed this was all making me feel, he doesn't outrightly say now he should see a specialist. He just goes on and on about his symptons, until I eventually suggest seeing a GP, then says I can't throw it in his face if he has to go to hospital, because it was my suggestion to seek medical help, so I can't blame him for any stress... Also, his family aren't to be told, I am to deal with all of it, and if they ring, not to say anything, because they question how bad it is and they either don't believe it or joke about it, which is so uncaring of them... It's exhausting.

Also, his rules about how he likes things done. One day, following his 'rules' about doing something his way, he walks in and asks me why I am doing that. I tell him he told me to, and he denied it...

Erm, starting to feel this isn't normal, at all. Guess he has worn me down, and I spend all my time placating him, doing what he wants. Just for keeping the peace, so he isn't ranting at me..

Doesn't work, because he is always ranting about something.

Ok, my own rant is over, that feels better now. Guess I have squashed it all down so much, its bubbling out now.

Still waiting for him to come for lunch, so I can nip over to mum's with stuff afterwards. Feel nervous about doing this in case he sees me when he's delivering and asks me when I'm home... Still haven't got up the nerve to ring aunt...

I am stupidly dithering around again. It's like doing this is taking a huge step and actually admitting that things aren't great, that I am unhappy, but been doing this so long, placating/appeasing feel really uneasy about it, feels like betrayal of the worst kind, despite how he is.

I have a feeling that he won't come home now, but, might be leaving work early. On tenterhooks. Probably won't get much chance to post whilst he's here, but will try to give quick updates rather than my confused ramblings.

Just take my thanks, and my gratitude, you are all keeping me strong.

Fingers crossed

BM

Diggle - forgot to say she's a little terrier, mixed heritage, cute as a button, bright, loveable, and gives me a reason to get up in the morning. She brings the light into a dark place...

Valli - I can really relate. Lost count of the times he said so and so happened x years ago and never remember. Or things I do remember he denies happening. Don't trust my memory any more, or my judgement, or self-belief, etc. Don't know if this is me, my depression, being paranoid, esp. after his mobile episode where he deleted a woman's name, said it was girl at work (not - know their names), now denies it happened...

Also, he doesn't usually park further down, it's a quiet street and he's always got room to park outside the house...

Valli

sorry to hear is is isolating you from family members - again not normal behaviour.

With the health issue - that's a new one on me but it could be (and I am not a psychologist) something like Munchausen's where he is using illness to keep you close to him. Chance are his family won't believe he is ill, him having cried wolf before (because I bet he has) and therefore they are not to know.
Goodness - the knickers. That brought back memories:o:( something else I had forgotten from the hell (I now realise) that was my relationship with hubby number one.

I'm single now, have been, really, since OH2 went. :T:T
And happy.

Mojisola

Butterflymind wrote: »

I re-read this, and I am questioning whether his behaviour is 'normal'. Sounds stupid, but, not sure what normal is any more.

Erm, starting to feel this isn't normal, at all.

It's definitely not normal - glad to see you're starting to recognise that.

Please keep safe. If he starts to realise that you're waking up to his tricks, his behaviour could become very unpredictable and more extreme.

Butterflymind

Dear all

Dog going to a relative... Don't want to say which one as you never know... Feel v. sad about this, she is so much to me. Know she will be ok.

BM

scot88

Well done Bf..you have absolutely done the best thing for your precious wee dog. Now do the same thing for yourself...get out to a place of safety asap..and don't EVER go back.

Stay safe.

gorgeouslatinrose

Hi OP,
I have just wandered on to this thread, and just wanted to say I hope you were okay. Someone we know went through something similar , and hate to think of others struggling as well.
Please make sure you clear your history on the computer : you never know in case he may be reading up on what you research , and by clearing history and doing a virus scan, can prevent anything you do being traced. Also the friend was recommended this book : may be worth a read? http://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Please keep posting and stay strong.

Melonade

OH BM I'm so sorry about your dog... but only for your sake as you must feel awful. You have however done the right thing and thats brilliant for you both.

Take care of yourself now and take others advice about your internet history.

[Deleted User]

Could some one please enlighten me on how to clear your history. Thanks.