Is this abuse?

building_with_lego

Steel wrote: »

I qualifed at pretty much the highest level I could, yet my father had a list of all the mistakes I'd ever made as a reason why I should be doing what he tells me to do because he knew best. For a few years I actually believed him and let him.

His list starts from the age of 15 months...when I couldn't wait until I got home to have my nappy changed and my mother had to do it in public while they were enjoying a family evening at the circus. Apparently it spoiled his evening.

When I last saw the list (just before my lightbulb moment), the last thing on there was that I married a postman not a doctor.

A heinous crime indeed!!!

Good grief Steel- when I read the first part I assumed it was a mental list! what an absolutely odd thing to write down.

BM, I wish you strength for the coming months, and the courage to get yourself to a happy place. :grouphug:

sassyblue

Butterflymind wrote: »

=
I am carrying on with the counselling, even though the thought of standing up to him again fills me with dread, because of what I went through last time (his suicide threats, etc.) and I wonder if I have the courage to leave....

BM

You DO have the courage honey, you just don't THINK you do.

You know when you do he's going to say alot of things and knowing that is half the battle too - just don't give in. BTW you don't have to listen to him either you can change your phone, my sister would listen endlessly on the phone to her hubbies abuse because she was so ground down, it didn't occur to her to put the phone down, don't be like that.

I wish you luck and hope you find the courage soon. :A

Butterflymind

Dear Steel & all

Thank you for your good wishes. It makes me feel better to get things off my chest.

I actually plucked up courage to confide in my GP, she was shocked, wanted to change my meds, but I said actually counselling and dog walking was doing me more good. She really wanted to help, and is a very nice person, but also said she felt helpless as to what to do.

I have looked at the Women's Aid web-site; it has loads of info on it, but I kind of feel a fraud, as he's not beating me or anything like that, just wearing me down till I just feel numb... And I still somehow feel like it's my fault. Stupid I know but I don't know why. Feel guilty, ashamed, a failure even discussing it here, like I should just get on with it. It's not so bad sometimes.

How crazy is that, when his behaviour contributed to me feeling suicidal? Arrggghhh!

BTW Steel, my dad had a mental list, and always said I wouldn't achieve anything without him pushing me, this included being locked in dining room, revising to his suggestions, being tested afterwards, but, when I did an essay to University level (tutor's words not mine) he was jealous and pulled me down saying 'I suppose you think you are cleverer than me now, do you?' etc. Que huge argument and leaving home at 17!

Steel_2

building_with_lego wrote: »

Good grief Steel- when I read the first part I assumed it was a mental list! what an absolutely odd thing to write down.

His memory isn't that good so he likes to keep notes of people's trangressions - true or not :rotfl: I'm waiting for the day when I'm round there and he leaves it out by accident. Years of diligent evidence collecting will be in my fireplace within the hour...

Butterfly - it's not crazy at all and you are not a fraud. People tend to dismiss emotional abuse, but it does bruise - just on the inside not the outside. Emotional abuse is very real and very frightening, especially when you are a kid and you're developing, and it programmes you to behave a certain way when you're an adult.

Counseling will help you reprogramme your responses so when someone treats you like crap you think "Oi! Begger off" and stand up for yourself instead of thinking "I must have done something to cause that, it's my fault".

If you think about it, we all put the needs of others before our own, and when it's done freely with love, it makes you feel good and the person receiving it feels good too. When it's done because you fear the consequences of what will happen if you don't put the needs of that person first, that's when you start feeling short-changed because the other person is enjoying it and you aren't. Your mind knows you're being forced to be second best all the time, and eventually it runs you down.

It's the whole "I shouldn't feel upset but do" that causes the mental yo-yoing, because actually if you feel upset you have a valid reason for feeling that way but the person that supposedly loves you is poo-pooing it, invalidating your feelings as if you don't matter and making you feel an idiot.

Steel_2

Butterflymind wrote: »

BTW Steel, my dad had a mental list, and always said I wouldn't achieve anything without him pushing me, this included being locked in dining room, revising to his suggestions, being tested afterwards, but, when I did an essay to University level (tutor's words not mine) he was jealous and pulled me down saying 'I suppose you think you are cleverer than me now, do you?' etc. Que huge argument and leaving home at 17!

Yes, yes, yes!!! Did we have the same father?!

fannyadams

just wanted to add my support and success story.
I was mentally abused by my husband for 12 years (and he hit on me for the last 18 months of our relationship - that was the straw that broke the camel's back). He tried to take his own life (pills & booze) when I walked out after finally having had enough (I didn't think he had the guts). His boss 'found' him (I'm sure he called his boss to tell him what he'd done knowing that his boss would call me). his boss took him to the hospital and then called me and hassled me into going to the hospital. I went to the hospital and saw his boss who left immediately afterwards. Then I told the receptionist I didn't want to see my estranged husband, turned around and walked out. That was the most liberating day of my life. Thanks to my social worker, my counsellor and my mental health team I had become stronger than all that and my friends (& family) who he'd 'banished' came back to me...
I now have a lovely partner (who is my rock) and two darling boys, it was a long way to get here but i'm SO glad I did.
You will become stronger - you've already told your GP and your counsellor - YOU CAN DO IT. you are SO BRAVE to stick it out. We're rooting for you.

boddy

Butterflymind. Not a lot to add but you are not a fraud. It is mental and emotional abuse. Woman's Aid is a good organisation. You will have the courage to leave. In the meantime make some contingency plans for when you do. Do you have a good friend or relative you can leave your important documents with. You also have a lot of support here. You are not alone. Best wishes.

tinktinktinkerbell

arbroath_lass wrote: »

See, we all make mistakes. That's human - why would you want to belittle someone for being human?

no one is belittling her

maybe her hubby is trying to take some of the pressure off her

arbroath_lass

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

no one is belittling her

maybe her hubby is trying to take some of the pressure off her

Maybe he is. Or maybe he's belittling her. As neither of us were there we'll never know.

liney

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

no one is belittling her

maybe her hubby is trying to take some of the pressure off her

By calling her incapable?:(