Family Issue causing upset

honey10

Sorry, but I had to respond.
Firstly, I don't see in the OP here it mentioned BIL & SIl having fertility issues, just OP & partner, I'm obviously missing something.

Secondly, I don't wanna get into the whole infertility/facebook thing, because its none of our business tbh, I just wanna say that if SIL is suffering fertility problems, I can completely 100% understand why she might have 'unfriended' you, although hiding your posts would have had the desired effect, especially if you are discussing being a mum/new bump. It's possible that while you two were having fertility issues together, you were friends, and now you have kids and she still doesn't, then she could be jealous, or it could just hurt too much. Just an opinion.

Thirdly, with regard to in-laws... good luck, cos you need it. I only speak to one of my SIL despite having numerous others. Simply because they are not nice people. Luckily, my OH is of the same opinion, however, I do encourage him to have contact with MIL, he just won't.
Your family, you learn to live with from a young age, cutting them out if necessary. In laws are a whole different breed, they are some one else's family, that try to then become yours. Its much harder to eradicate them, especially if OH doesn't feel the same.

Taadaa

I would certainly be put out if l had a relationship with my SIL and she removed me from fb for no reason. Lots of posts about babies are bloody annoying but l wouldn't unfriend someone because of it. I can to an extent understand why they don't want to see their nephew, but the OP has pointed out they see other couples who have children. OP also mentioned she hasn't seen them for some time...as in a long time before the fertility issues started? Can't help feeling because this is so personal there is more to it, esp as they dont mind seeing the hubby. You need to find out why, because of this is slme strange vendetta then l personally would be expecting my husband to support me.

You might also want to think whether you really want a relationship with them after all the upset they have caused you anyway. I don't have a relationship with my on laws for that reason, beyond the contact through hubby and being civil eg when one of them calls the house phone, which is rare - they make no difference to my life and l don't wish them ill but l didn't shed a tear when one of them pegged it. Harsh but honest.

esmerelda98

Maybe they just don't like you*, and have no desire to spend time with you and your child. It's not against the law. Why should anyone HAVE to spend time with anyone they don't want to, just to spare their feelings. Of course, in practice that is what many do, but just because that is what most people choose to do does not mean any other approach is wrong. As long as people are prepared to put up with the consequences of their actions and choices, the problem is all yours. If they don't care, they don't care, do you want someone to force them to like you, or would you just be happy for them to pretend? I can understand you being upset that they haven't given you a chance, but even children must accept that sometimes people don't want to be friends with you. I am ridiculously enchanted by my nephew but it is totally my prerogative to ignore his existence. The relationship pre-children will often indicate the nature of the relationship with any children.

*Probably not the case but it's possible.

euronorris

OP, was there a friendship before your first pregnancy/child?

If so, why not ask your husband to talk to your BIL about possibly just maintaining contact through email. And offer to not talk about children, babies or fertility?

I can understand that it is very hard for them, and wanting to pull away because of that. But I think it is very harsh to do that without explanation, and to completely cut contact. To be honest about it, and suggest conversations that don't involve upsetting subjects, would've been a good way for them to maintain their relationship, whilst keeping the upsetting things at bay.

I wouldn't worry about the FB friendship removal. I would concentrate more on trying to maintain a friendship that would allow you all to be supportive of each other, and the difficult times you're facing. You two by not mentioning the kids, or fertility, and those two by perhaps offering support and talks about your father's recent illness, and subsequent passing. Support is a two way street after all, and it's clear from your post that your Dad's passing was and is very difficult for you.

This is, of course, based on the assumption that there was a frienship there before your first child/pregnancy. If not, then I think it best to leave them to it, and concentrate on building a relationship after they've either come to terms with it, or succesfully conceive.

nickyhutch

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

my point was why doesnt OP sort it out

if someone didnt like me i would sort it myself, i wouldnt hide behind someone!

Because it's her husband's brother and wife, not hers. It will probably be easier for him to broach the subject.

She's not hiding behind anyone, she's looking for a diplomatic way to resolve an awkward situation.

jenhug

I don't understand how it feels to have fertility issues, so I can't comment on that side of things.
But your husband is as much a dad as you are a mum. They are not just snubbing you and your son, but your husbands son and your husbands wife. I know if that was my husband, he would want to know what the problem is.

In 5 years time, if they end up with a family, do they think it will suddenly be ok to play happy families to a 6 year old nephew and a 4 year old? It certainly wouldn't work like that for me.

To be honest, they just don't sound like nice people. It is their problem, not yours. I think the biggest issue is hubbys lack of support.

kitschkitty

I can't understand how people think this situation is acceptable.

If BIL & SIL have issues regarding fertility, how can they both shun the OP & her child but not her husband - it's his child too.

I don't see how the OP's husband can be willing to deal with this situation my pandering to his brother and his partners wish to pretend his wife and child don't exist. Let alone while regularly enjoying fun days out together.

I do understand the importance of supporting family members, but not by disregarding the family you chose for your self - your wife and children. There should be compromise not them having it all their way.

If they don't want to see OP & their nephew of course that is their right, but I think the issue here is that they went about it is such a horrid way, and still benefit from seeing OP's husband so long as he denies his child & wife.

No wonder the OP is upset about this situation.


Oh and on a slightly different note, I like most people who haven't faced infertility, struggle to understand just how selfish these people come across as being. I know I will be shot down for that statement, but I mean compared to other groups of people who have suffered or are suffering all sorts of equally or even worse situations. I just find it such an unhealthy self obsession and seemingly so ofen at the expense of others.

pinkclouds

Put it another way. Do you expect all of your husband's friends to like you and want to hang out with you and your kids? If there wasn't a link by marriage, would you care? You put me in mind of the wife* of one of my husband's friends. She thinks all her husband's mates are her friends too and that they should spend time with her. When her husband's friends turn up to go out for a pint with him, they end up sitting with her and looking after her kids instead. *I say "wife". They've since split up.

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

I also don't want to listen to his parents talk about them as if there is nothing wrong. All of his family just seem to avoid things whereas my family are close and always let each other know stuff right or wrong.

I think the main reason you're so upset/offended is because your side of the family are different and don't share the ideology/background of his side of the family and you're not willing to accept or understand it.

FWIW, one of my BILs' wives didn't see my eldest child for 4 years. We are both perfectly civil, polite ladies and I have nothing bad to say about her. (My BIL seems very happy with her.) We just aren't friends although we were a bit closer before I had kids. I have lots of friends - I don't need another friend, so it's her loss. I know my mom's family would do things differently but that doesn't mean everyone else's family has to be the same! We see each other's kids (very rarely) at family events and we are perfectly nice to each other's kids. I don't see a problem. It's just the way it is.

tinktinktinkerbell

nickyhutch wrote: »

Because it's her husband's brother and wife, not hers. It will probably be easier for him to broach the subject.

She's not hiding behind anyone, she's looking for a diplomatic way to resolve an awkward situation.

she should do it herself not need to have her husband speak for her

after all, they are ALL supposed to be family

nickyhutch

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

she should do it herself not need to have her husband speak for her

after all, they are ALL supposed to be family

ok, cool