Family Issue causing upset

nickyhutch

lostinrates wrote: »

We don't know this. We only know op knows no reason. It might be op's husband can see his siblings pov and IS of the opinion that something in the situation makes this the best measure atm. If that is the case then there is certainly a pretty dreadful communication problem, but again, we don't know whether it is the case!

Which is why I said "seemingly".

Taadaa

I think FF you need to establish through your husband if the fertility issue is definitely the reason why. This would be the first step in understanding.

I can't imagine what the BIL and SIL are going through, but neither can l fathom why some contributors think its acceptable for the OP to be treated this way without explanation. They may be having a terrible time but that does not give them carte Blanche to behave in such a hurtful way. They may suddenly find themselves pregnant and what happens then? They feel they are equals and can be friends again?

If the fertility is the reason for their appalling behaviour, give them the space they need. As l said l can't imagine what they are going through but am l pregnant myself and had an mc scare last week - l wouldn't begrudge someone else happiness if it had come to the worst. Afterall you want your own baby, not someone else's.

dizziblonde

GracieP wrote: »

The OP has in fact posted that her husband's family are all fine with the situation and don't think the BIL and SIL are acting in anyway out of line.

OP you are focussing again on what you want. They don't want to chat about it and I can imagine how excruciating any such chat would feel for them. Just give them space. That's how you support them. You are starting to seem very fixated on you and what you want. Come on. You are the one with the child and another on the way. You are the one who has what they desire. (And anyone with sense knows this isn't like wanting a thing, our desire to procreate is primal and can be completely overwhelming.) Let them dictate how they deal with their hurt.

This. Exactly.

And to Elviswhatevernumberitis - god you've posted some of THE most insensitive, ignorant, cruel drivel I've ever had the misfortune to read on these boards. To basically think it's utterly acceptable to demand that those having problems get the hell off faceache rather than removing people whose posts they know are going to distress them... you're either blissfully naive, incredibly selfish or trolling - I'm unsure which.

Infertility is hell, fertility problems brought me to the point of being found sobbing on the bathroom floor, pile of tablets on my lap and having to be physically prevented from taking them. To have some moron on the internet try to isolate and make ANYONE going through that level of pain suffer further is an act of grotesque and extreme inhumanity. THAT'S the level of pain it can drive you to - and unlike other problems - it's one that's very hard to avoid coming into reminders of - because, and I say this as a heavily pregnant woman as well here (we got incredibly lucky but it's taken a good 5-6 years of our lives to get here), some of those with babies, bumps and families can be sickeningly insensitive and inadvertently cruel and selfish in their actions - especially when they start with the whole lot of platitudes about how life can only have meaning once you're a mother... which is really pleasant when you're fighting tooth and nail to even stay sane through it all.

So yeah - she can probably maintain a nice bright and chirpy front to some - but if you're coming across as baby-focused (trying to put it politely here - although to be honest you're sounding something slightly more negative at least in your initial posts) on FB and whatever - then no wonder she's removed you. I refused to add a couple of relatives - because I know how bad they are for putting a million and one baby photos on, copy and pasting all the "mummy" statuses and the like... and I knew that at that time my mental wellbeing would be upset by having to read that stuff every day... didn't mean (like some moron on here suggested) that I didn't deserve to be able to use the site, or I should be locked away like society's filthy secret (again our dear moron seems to have this attitude) - but just that, for a site that allows you to choose who you contact - I was making that choice.

She's made her choice - she can't deal with it at the moment. People cope with things in different ways - some get strength out of the doting aunty role... some can't do that (I never could) and cope by backing off a bit, controlling the situations where they've got to put the brave face on as best they can, and trying to make sure they're not caught out unexpectedly by a scan photo popping up in their news feed or whatever... both equally valid ways of dealing with things - neither good or bad - and to be honest - whatever gets her through the crap patch and out the other side - she obviously needs support in terms of some space right now - and since it IS essentially a grieving process for the life and family you thought you'd be able to have - she needs that time and space to grieve.

Like I say - I came to the point of suicide... but yet people looking at me from a detached outside perspective would have thought nothing was wrong - because in those kind of superficial situations - I could laugh and joke with the best of them... all a front though.

You're really spectacularly over reacting though - it's all YOU YOU YOU, YOUR CHILD, YOU - she's in a place where she needs to deal with HER first... would you be putting yourself and your family ahead of her needs if it was reversed? No you wouldn't.

FatVonD

OP, you say you would like to offer support to them, how exactly would you like to do that?

From what I've read they didn't go out of the way to cause bad feeling but pretended they'd deleted you by accident rather than cause a scene. You seem intent, despite knowing their reasons, on forcing some sort of confrontation and as if that's not bad enough you're unhappy that your inlaws seem oblivious to it all and you'd probably feel a lot happier if they were to join in with seeing you as somehow wronged and heap pressure on your BIL and SIL too.

Dizziblonde has it spot on, you are all 'me, me, me'

burnoutbabe

its rude behaviour. Are your parents in law also enabling it? do you not get invited to family events when BIL/SIL will be there? how do they handle it?

its easy enough to put someone on HIDE so you don't get their posts in your newsfeed.

tinktinktinkerbell

nickyhutch wrote: »

To support his wife? You know, the woman he loves, the woman he chose, the woman he married, the woman he has children with?

my point was why doesnt OP sort it out

if someone didnt like me i would sort it myself, i wouldnt hide behind someone!

FamilyFeuds

dizziblonde wrote: »

This. Exactly.

And to Elviswhatevernumberitis - god you've posted some of THE most insensitive, ignorant, cruel drivel I've ever had the misfortune to read on these boards. To basically think it's utterly acceptable to demand that those having problems get the hell off faceache rather than removing people whose posts they know are going to distress them... you're either blissfully naive, incredibly selfish or trolling - I'm unsure which.

Infertility is hell, fertility problems brought me to the point of being found sobbing on the bathroom floor, pile of tablets on my lap and having to be physically prevented from taking them. To have some moron on the internet try to isolate and make ANYONE going through that level of pain suffer further is an act of grotesque and extreme inhumanity. THAT'S the level of pain it can drive you to - and unlike other problems - it's one that's very hard to avoid coming into reminders of - because, and I say this as a heavily pregnant woman as well here (we got incredibly lucky but it's taken a good 5-6 years of our lives to get here), some of those with babies, bumps and families can be sickeningly insensitive and inadvertently cruel and selfish in their actions - especially when they start with the whole lot of platitudes about how life can only have meaning once you're a mother... which is really pleasant when you're fighting tooth and nail to even stay sane through it all.

So yeah - she can probably maintain a nice bright and chirpy front to some - but if you're coming across as baby-focused (trying to put it politely here - although to be honest you're sounding something slightly more negative at least in your initial posts) on FB and whatever - then no wonder she's removed you. I refused to add a couple of relatives - because I know how bad they are for putting a million and one baby photos on, copy and pasting all the "mummy" statuses and the like... and I knew that at that time my mental wellbeing would be upset by having to read that stuff every day... didn't mean (like some moron on here suggested) that I didn't deserve to be able to use the site, or I should be locked away like society's filthy secret (again our dear moron seems to have this attitude) - but just that, for a site that allows you to choose who you contact - I was making that choice.

She's made her choice - she can't deal with it at the moment. People cope with things in different ways - some get strength out of the doting aunty role... some can't do that (I never could) and cope by backing off a bit, controlling the situations where they've got to put the brave face on as best they can, and trying to make sure they're not caught out unexpectedly by a scan photo popping up in their news feed or whatever... both equally valid ways of dealing with things - neither good or bad - and to be honest - whatever gets her through the crap patch and out the other side - she obviously needs support in terms of some space right now - and since it IS essentially a grieving process for the life and family you thought you'd be able to have - she needs that time and space to grieve.

Like I say - I came to the point of suicide... but yet people looking at me from a detached outside perspective would have thought nothing was wrong - because in those kind of superficial situations - I could laugh and joke with the best of them... all a front though.

You're really spectacularly over reacting though - it's all YOU YOU YOU, YOUR CHILD, YOU - she's in a place where she needs to deal with HER first... would you be putting yourself and your family ahead of her needs if it was reversed? No you wouldn't.

I have been there. I struggled to get out of bed, contemplated suicide (locked in bathroom with a knife in my hand if you must know), wanted nothing to do with anybody or anything. For over two years, we went through hell watching my dear dad go downhill to the shell of the man he was whilst dealing with fertility issues and miscarriages. To say it is all about me, me, me and my child is just rude and hurtful.
I have given space. I do not push anything in anyone's face. It is not just about the facebook issue but the fact that they are quite happy to be friendly with my husband, other members of family and friends (who do have children) and not me.

lostinrates

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

I have been there. I struggled to get out of bed, contemplated suicide (locked in bathroom with a knife in my hand if you must know), wanted nothing to do with anybody or anything. For over two years, we went through hell watching my dear dad go downhill to the shell of the man he was whilst dealing with fertility issues and miscarriages. To say it is all about me, me, me and my child is just rude and hurtful.
I have given space. I do not push anything in anyone's face. It is not just about the facebook issue but the fact that they are quite happy to be friendly with my husband, other members of family and friends (who do have children) and not me.

Maybe they just think you have gone through enough/too much in recent years and feel uncomfortable burdening you with a role that it sounds from your description you think needs to be supportive?

POPPYOSCAR

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

I have been there. I struggled to get out of bed, contemplated suicide (locked in bathroom with a knife in my hand if you must know), wanted nothing to do with anybody or anything. For over two years, we went through hell watching my dear dad go downhill to the shell of the man he was whilst dealing with fertility issues and miscarriages. To say it is all about me, me, me and my child is just rude and hurtful.
I have given space. I do not push anything in anyone's face. It is not just about the facebook issue but the fact that they are quite happy to be friendly with my husband, other members of family and friends (who do have children) and not me.

I, for one do not read into it that this is all about you.

Does your OH understand how much this is hurting you?

FamilyFeuds

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

my point was why doesnt OP sort it out

if someone didnt like me i would sort it myself, i wouldnt hide behind someone!

I am not hiding behind anyone. I used to be a lot stronger and able to do this. I could if it was my family but with inlaws just not sure how to approach it. We haven't seen them for so long just a bit unsure.