Family Issue causing upset

lostinrates

kitschkitty wrote: »

Oh and on a slightly different note, I like most people who haven't faced infertility, struggle to understand just how selfish these people come across as being. I know I will be shot down for that statement, but I mean compared to other groups of people who have suffered or are suffering all sorts of equally or even worse situations. I just find it such an unhealthy self obsession and seemingly so ofen at the expense of others.

Fwiw, despite my different stance on the overall situation, and experiencing infertitily, i do somewhat agree with this.

In fact, i agree strongly. I also think it swings both ways, just as the world goes on despite pur personal sadness, the world also spins without 'our' own children in it for other people. Its equally unhealthy to swing to either extreme of introspective view imo.

I actively enjoy friends' children and while there are some bleak times, most of the time i have a normal, fulfilled life. . I hope others who are not experiencing that more will find that too.

Taadaa

What does fwiw mean? *embarrassed face*

lostinrates

Taadaa wrote: »

What does fwiw mean? *embarrassed face*

Sorry taadaa...for what its worth . Its almost always unnecessary to type too, its a pointless phrase!

koalamummy

OP I am in a situation which is in a way similar to yours. I had been part of a group of friends through secondary school, university, and most of my adult life...until fairly recently anyway We always were quite driven career minded achievers, so with the exception of myself had remained happily child free with no plans in that direction until fairly recently.

My oldest child was born when I was 22 and I was very much pitied as a result of the limitations that this was seen to cause me, (not by myself I hasten to add, I viewed it as the biggest motivation ever to succeed!) I was pitied for being unable to have the same party lifestyle, short notice weekend breaks to wherever was fashionable, and fabulous holidays to wherever Cosmo recommended that month. But they were my friends and I didn't mind as I knew that one day they would know why I was just happy to listen to their adventures.

However I was 32 when my second child was conceived and by this point attitudes were beginning to change in our group. I was now seen as unfairly lucky as several of the other girls were TTC but had not been successful yet. I barely discussed my pregnancy and how this child was going to be part of my family unless I was directly asked about it. I had a horrific pregnancy and lots of post natal complications due to underlying health conditions but I felt I couldn't talk to my friends about it for fear of hurting their feelings.

Two years later I discovered that I was pregnant with my third child but being concerned for others feeling I kept very quiet about it. I noticed that not so gradually I was receiving less calls/texts from friends and was upset but also worried about it. I asked one of those not TTC what the problem was and her answer still hurts now. Apparently I was an inconsiderate ***** and was rubbing others faces in it that it was all so easy for me to achieve what others were so desperate for. Apparently I was all sorts of horrible things including inconsiderate for daring to have a third child when others were so desperate for their first.

I have realistically been excluded from my former social group and aged almost 36 am having to figure out how to meet new people and make new friends again as the ice shows no signs of thawing. I wish I could tell you there was a happier ending, but there will never be now as there has been too much hurt and bad feeling for the rifts to heal properly.

red_devil

jenhug wrote: »

I don't understand how it feels to have fertility issues, so I can't comment on that side of things.
But your husband is as much a dad as you are a mum. They are not just snubbing you and your son, but your husbands son and your husbands wife. I know if that was my husband, he would want to know what the problem is.

In 5 years time, if they end up with a family, do they think it will suddenly be ok to play happy families to a 6 year old nephew and a 4 year old? It certainly wouldn't work like that for me.

To be honest, they just don't sound like nice people. It is their problem, not yours. I think the biggest issue is hubbys lack of support.

Exactly people dont think long term. If they change their mind why should the poster welcome them with open arms. If they cared about the husbands happiness they wouldnt dowhat they are doing? They arent exactly being very nice to him are they?

coolcait

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

I also don't want to listen to his parents talk about them as if there is nothing wrong. All of his family just seem to avoid things whereas my family are close and always let each other know stuff right or wrong.

Sometimes you want to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with you. But who is happy to be friends with a person who is close to you.

It happens.

It hurts, but you have to deal with it.

Why do you feel that you all have to meet regularly, and that your BIL and SIL should spend time with your son?

Answer that question, honestly, to yourself, and you'll be better placed to figure out how to deal with the situation.

Your son is far too young to feel the need to 'meet' his uncle or his aunt-by-marriage. He's definitely too young to be able to vocalise the idea that he's "love to meet them". Those are his parents' emotions, projected onto him.

When you marry someone, you do take them on with all of their family baggage. But do recognise that it's their baggage, and respect the fact that they may deal with it differently from the way that you would.

The part I've quoted from your post has also been noticed by at least one other person. Your husband's family deals with things in a different way from your family. You have to respect that and learn to deal with it.

It may also be the case that his family are quite happy with the concept that siblings keep in touch, and meet, without feeling the need to drag along the partners and kids too. If that's their approach to life and relationships, you are seeing snubs where none exist.

For example, my sister's OH goes out with his brother every week. Alone. Without my sister, and without her BIL's partner. My sister's quite happy with that. She gets on OK with her BIL's partner, and there is no awkwardness at family gatherings. But they are completely different types of people - all they have in common is the fact that they have 'partnered in' to another family. The BIL's partner seems to feel the same - going by some of the conversations at family gatherings (usually starting 'remember that night that x and y were very merry, and this happened.... :rotfl:)

I can guarantee that if I told my sister about your story, I would get to the end of everything you have told us, and she would be still be waiting patiently to learn what "the problem" was. She genuinely wouldn't see an issue with the idea that two brothers could keep in touch with each other, and have 'lads' nights out', without involving their partners or families.

Nor do I.

You do.

You have to figure out, for yourself, exactly why this bothers you.

red_devil

coolcait wrote: »

Sometimes you want to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with you. But who is happy to be friends with a person who is close to you.

It happens.

It hurts, but you have to deal with it.

Why do you feel that you all have to meet regularly, and that your BIL and SIL should spend time with your son?

Answer that question, honestly, to yourself, and you'll be better placed to figure out how to deal with the situation.

Your son is far too young to feel the need to 'meet' his uncle or his aunt-by-marriage. He's definitely too young to be able to vocalise the idea that he's "love to meet them". Those are his parents' emotions, projected onto him.

When you marry someone, you do take them on with all of their family baggage. But do recognise that it's their baggage, and respect the fact that they may deal with it differently from the way that you would.

The part I've quoted from your post has also been noticed by at least one other person. Your husband's family deals with things in a different way from your family. You have to respect that and learn to deal with it.

It may also be the case that his family are quite happy with the concept that siblings keep in touch, and meet, without feeling the need to drag along the partners and kids too. If that's their approach to life and relationships, you are seeing snubs where none exist.

For example, my sister's OH goes out with his brother every week. Alone. Without my sister, and without her BIL's partner. My sister's quite happy with that. She gets on OK with her BIL's partner, and there is no awkwardness at family gatherings. But they are completely different types of people - all they have in common is the fact that they have 'partnered in' to another family. The BIL's partner seems to feel the same - going by some of the conversations at family gatherings (usually starting 'remember that night that x and y were very merry, and this happened.... :rotfl:)

I can guarantee that if I told my sister about your story, I would get to the end of everything you have told us, and she would be still be waiting patiently to learn what "the problem" was. She genuinely wouldn't see an issue with the idea that two brothers could keep in touch with each other, and have 'lads' nights out', without involving their partners or families.

Nor do I.

You do.

You have to figure out, for yourself, exactly why this bothers you.

well i am sure it would bother you if you were struck of someones facebook without an explanation and treated this way. Your situation is different you cant compare. You are saying you go out alone but you all get along and there is no awkwardness. This is not the case here?

Why shouldnt the bil and sil want to spend time with the son he is part of the family isnt he? They should be happy there is a child in the family to play with they soon grow up. Some people just sound so boring and not fun at all.

red_devil

koalamummy wrote: »

OP I am in a situation which is in a way similar to yours. I had been part of a group of friends through secondary school, university, and most of my adult life...until fairly recently anyway We always were quite driven career minded achievers, so with the exception of myself had remained happily child free with no plans in that direction until fairly recently.

My oldest child was born when I was 22 and I was very much pitied as a result of the limitations that this was seen to cause me, (not by myself I hasten to add, I viewed it as the biggest motivation ever to succeed!) I was pitied for being unable to have the same party lifestyle, short notice weekend breaks to wherever was fashionable, and fabulous holidays to wherever Cosmo recommended that month. But they were my friends and I didn't mind as I knew that one day they would know why I was just happy to listen to their adventures.

However I was 32 when my second child was conceived and by this point attitudes were beginning to change in our group. I was now seen as unfairly lucky as several of the other girls were TTC but had not been successful yet. I barely discussed my pregnancy and how this child was going to be part of my family unless I was directly asked about it. I had a horrific pregnancy and lots of post natal complications due to underlying health conditions but I felt I couldn't talk to my friends about it for fear of hurting their feelings.

Two years later I discovered that I was pregnant with my third child but being concerned for others feeling I kept very quiet about it. I noticed that not so gradually I was receiving less calls/texts from friends and was upset but also worried about it. I asked one of those not TTC what the problem was and her answer still hurts now. Apparently I was an inconsiderate ***** and was rubbing others faces in it that it was all so easy for me to achieve what others were so desperate for. Apparently I was all sorts of horrible things including inconsiderate for daring to have a third child when others were so desperate for their first.

I have realistically been excluded from my former social group and aged almost 36 am having to figure out how to meet new people and make new friends again as the ice shows no signs of thawing. I wish I could tell you there was a happier ending, but there will never be now as there has been too much hurt and bad feeling for the rifts to heal properly.

They were pure and simple jealous what a shocking way to cope with it by turning it round on you. Not your fault you were able to get pregnant they should have been pleased with you. Sound like awful friends. Real friends dont do that.

Dunroamin

red_devil wrote: »

Why shouldnt the bil and sil want to spend time with the son he is part of the family isnt he? They should be happy there is a child in the family to play with they soon grow up. Some people just sound so boring and not fun at all.

But why should they have to?

Aunt/uncle/nephew/niece aren't necessarily particularly close relationships and in many families won't even live near each other. As long as people are civil at family gatherings, that's all that's really necessary.

coolcait

red_devil wrote: »

well i am sure it would bother you if you were struck of someones facebook without an explanation and treated this way. Your situation is different you cant compare. You are saying you go out alone but you all get along and there is no awkwardness. This is not the case here?

Why shouldnt the bil and sil want to spend time with the son he is part of the family isnt he? They should be happy there is a child in the family to play with they soon grow up. Some people just sound so boring and not fun at all.

Well, as I always tell my children - "Different people like different things".

You might be happy that there is a child in the family to play with (in the nicest and most innocent sense). Other people might be quite happy to have a child in the family, but not feel any need to interact with the child until he/she is old enough to have a conversation.

It can be a hard thing for parents to accept, but the fact is that their child is only the centre of their universe - not anyone else's.

From one of the OP's posts, she seems to think that her BIL/SIL do lead fun-filled lives.

It's not about 'comparing' situations (unlike the very unedifying discussion earlier on where it almost turned into a competition about how suicidal people had felt). It's not about saying one way is right, and another way is wrong.

It's about recognising that people are different. And that you have to take those differences into account when assessing the situation.

IMO, as soon as someone says something like "My family does x, the family that has upset me does y", you're a long way towards identifying why there is a 'problem'. And a good way towards finding a way to deal with the 'problem'.

If you want to.

You can always choose to perpetuate it by throwing out assumptions, by projecting your own views onto others, and expecting - demanding - that they do things your way.