Family Issue causing upset

red_devil

coolcait wrote: »

Well, as I always tell my children - "Different people like different things".

You might be happy that there is a child in the family to play with (in the nicest and most innocent sense). Other people might be quite happy to have a child in the family, but not feel any need to interact with the child until he/she is old enough to have a conversation.

It can be a hard thing for parents to accept, but the fact is that their child is only the centre of their universe - not anyone else's.

From one of the OP's posts, she seems to think that her BIL/SIL do lead fun-filled lives.

It's not about 'comparing' situations (unlike the very unedifying discussion earlier on where it almost turned into a competition about how suicidal people had felt). It's not about saying one way is right, and another way is wrong.

It's about recognising that people are different. And that you have to take those differences into account when assessing the situation.

IMO, as soon as someone says something like "My family does x, the family that has upset me does y", you're a long way towards identifying why there is a 'problem'. And a good way towards finding a way to deal with the 'problem'.

If you want to.

You can always choose to perpetuate it by throwing out assumptions, by projecting your own views onto others, and expecting - demanding - that they do things your way.

You havent answered the question about being struck off facebook and being ignored.You are just coming out with words to try and blind me with science. I understand people are different, but do you understand its downright rude to unfriend someone in the family and its naive to expect that if you do that then questions wont be asked.

Some people have no idea how to go about things and are tactless. I say it again but if they cared about the brothers happiness would they be treating his wife in this way. thats his wife, the woman he has chosen to be with the woman that makes him happy and they ignore her. Sorry i dont think thats the way.

coolcait

red_devil wrote: »

You havent answered the question about being struck off facebook and being ignored.You are just coming out with words to try and blind me with science. I understand people are different, but do you understand its downright rude to unfriend someone in the family and its naive to expect that if you do that then questions wont be asked.

Some people have no idea how to go about things and are tactless. I say it again but if they cared about the brothers happiness would they be treating his wife in this way. thats his wife, the woman he has chosen to be with the woman that makes him happy and they ignore her. Sorry i dont think thats the way.

Different people like different things.

I don't define myself by Facebook. So I wouldn't be the slightest bit bothered about being "struck off" it. To the extent that I wouldn't even see it as being "struck off". To the extent that the question 'How would you feel...Facebook?' barely even registered.

However, the OP sees the Facebook thing differently. I respect that. So, rather than telling her that she was wrong to see the Facebook thing as important (it's important to her after all) I offered a different viewpoint on the whole situation.

It's up to the OP to decide how much she feels is relevant or helpful - and her right to discard everything else.

You, the OP, (maybe others) assume that this is all a deliberate snub by the BIL and SIL. I think that they may simply have a different outlook on life, relationships, and what 'must' (apparently) be done to demonstrate that a man loves his brother. I don't share that view.

Where is it written that thou must be Facebook friends with the partner of thy partner's partner?

Nowhere.

Not least because it is a sentence with too many partners!

desert_rose

Isn't it all a bit daft? People getting upset because of being de-friended on..facebook?

It reminds me of kids in a playground shouting 'I'm not your friend anymore' and then spending the day ignoring you.

The more upset you get, the more satisfied they are. A bit of power and control can make some sorts dizzy with delight - so don't feed such nonsense.

Ignore it. Maintain an air of quiet dignity. And find a bit of pity in your heart for what they're going through.

Dunroamin

red_devil wrote: »

You havent answered the question about being struck off facebook and being ignored.You are just coming out with words to try and blind me with science. I understand people are different, but do you understand its downright rude to unfriend someone in the family and its naive to expect that if you do that then questions wont be asked.

.

Well, I don't understand that and I don't see why anyone else should. Facebook is such a recent thing that there's hardly a written in stone etiquette attached to it as there is to behaviour in real life. If they had actually spoken rudely to her (or posted rude comments on FB) then I might agree but this just seems to me to be the equivalent of stopping phoning.

Most adults do not live in the pockets of their relatives even if they get on and keeping a distance is a perfectly reasonable choice. A sensible person doesn't push in where he or she isn't wanted.

Emmzi

red_devil wrote: »

They were pure and simple jealous what a shocking way to cope with it by turning it round on you. Not your fault you were able to get pregnant they should have been pleased with you. Sound like awful friends. Real friends dont do that.

you have an overly simplistic blackand white view of the world. This "real friends" stuff is nonsense. do they have to stick their hand in a burning flame for you, too?

I find babies moist and smelly dull and actively choose friends without. I am sure people with them are glad not to have the woman who won't pick the child up there. When the kids are older we start doing stuff again. It does not make my friends bad people, or me a bad person, but honestly, pictures of the kid every hour?

I've had people de-fb me at various times when they are going through a hard time and I am, I dunno, blissfully in love. They come back when ready. Life is not static. Relationships are not static.

We're not all eight.

POPPYOSCAR

red_devil wrote: »

You havent answered the question about being struck off facebook and being ignored.You are just coming out with words to try and blind me with science. I understand people are different, but do you understand its downright rude to unfriend someone in the family and its naive to expect that if you do that then questions wont be asked.

Some people have no idea how to go about things and are tactless. I say it again but if they cared about the brothers happiness would they be treating his wife in this way. thats his wife, the woman he has chosen to be with the woman that makes him happy and they ignore her. Sorry i dont think thats the way.

I quite agree with you.

My OH would be asking why the sudden change of heart and he would be very annoyed about his family being treated in this way.

From what the OP has said it does not seem like they 'suddenly' do not like her, it would seem it is because she is pregnant and they cannot face the fact.

Either way, if it were me I would want to know what I had done to cause this.

bright_side

I think perhaps OPs OH does know what the issue is, but doesn't want to be the one to tell her because he couldn't handle her reaction to it. Either that or he just doesn't want to rock the boat with his brother for whatever reason. Either way I also believe that when it stops being such an issue for OP, all will become clear.

Nicki

OP DOES know what has caused this, and an explanation HAS been given from brother to brother.

Why is OP so insistent that her SIL who by all accounts is going through a very difficult and painful period in her life must personally stand up in front of her and tell her that she cannot cope with her feelings of desparation and jealousy because OP has had a child and conceived again quickly, when she has been trying unsuccessfully for some time and may never conceive. Surely it is enough that this message has been passed quietly brother to brother?

Looking again at the facebook thing. At the moment they don't want to be facebook friends with OP. So what? They have come up with a convenient cover story (that it has been done "by accident") which saves face all round and leaves the door open for contact to be resumed when they are emotionally up to dealing with it, if the OP is able to let things be and let them.

I can't help feeling that there are two sets of emotions running high here. A pregnant lady who is more easily upset than usual and has lost touch with the worst of how it felt to struggle with infertility, and a couple grieving the loss of a family they want badly but may never have. Some space between them for the time being does not sound like a bad thing to me.

burnoutbabe

I ask again, are the grandparents also fine to pretend they have no grandkids? do they ignire the OP too and her kids?

and the father is fine with all this?

you want not want to be friends with your inlaws, but you don't usually decide that ignoring them is the right thing to do. You at least do a token visit/call at xmas or when a baby is born. its not as though they are far away and the brother could visit on his own if needed. I'd not be that interested in a new baby but you go and visit when its a relative who is over the moon at a new baby.

I'd be having major words with your OH who needs to say how hurt you all are by the lack of interest in his kids and the ignoring of you.

red_devil

coolcait wrote: »

Different people like different things.

I don't define myself by Facebook. So I wouldn't be the slightest bit bothered about being "struck off" it. To the extent that I wouldn't even see it as being "struck off". To the extent that the question 'How would you feel...Facebook?' barely even registered.

However, the OP sees the Facebook thing differently. I respect that. So, rather than telling her that she was wrong to see the Facebook thing as important (it's important to her after all) I offered a different viewpoint on the whole situation.

It's up to the OP to decide how much she feels is relevant or helpful - and her right to discard everything else.

You, the OP, (maybe others) assume that this is all a deliberate snub by the BIL and SIL. I think that they may simply have a different outlook on life, relationships, and what 'must' (apparently) be done to demonstrate that a man loves his brother. I don't share that view.

Where is it written that thou must be Facebook friends with the partner of thy partner's partner?

Nowhere.

Not least because it is a sentence with too many partners!

it isnt written that thou must be fb friends with the partner but when you have been and suddenly you are blocked alarm bells start ringing.