Family Issue causing upset

lostinrates

euronorris wrote: »

. BUT, I do not think that this gives anyone the right to completely cut contact with someone (unless, of course, said person is being very, very insensitive about it themselves). To step back, sure. To cut contact completely, and without explanation (sorry, but that explanation should have been given before the defriending, and directly to the OP, not through the BIL IMO), is not just selfish, it's rude and exceptionally hurtful. l?

Is that oly because they are in laws/related or in all cases? I really struggle to understand the idea its better to stay in a 'relationship' that is somehow hurting you in order to keep the peace(but do not struggle to understand that some people need a thicker skin over their personal sadness). Or that an explanation is requisite or polite, in fact, i think its rather rude! Stepping back, or letting contact go, is not necessarily the right thing to do, i agree, but to give an explanation as to what you find 'distasteful' in another seems rather presumptuously offensive to me!

I really DO want to understand this pov and i am struggling to appreciate it.

POPPYOSCAR

lostinrates wrote: »

Of course its better to be friendly, (and best to be loving and forgiving and inclusive) but when thats not possible, absence of antagonism and distance rather than rift or chasm is, imo, better.

I would agree, but IMO for the sake of everyone, the OP should have been approached personally by them and not fobbed off with the lame excuse that she was 'deleted by accident' At least be honest about it if nothing else.

I do not think you can go through life doing exactly what you want just because 'that is the way you feel' and to hell with the feelings of others. There are consequences for actions, or at least there should be.

newcook

euronorris wrote: »

Why do you assume this? The OP hasn't told us anything about their relationship before babies/fertility issues.

I assumed it because of:

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

My brother in law (husbands brother) and sister in law have never really been overly bothered about the family. We haven't met up as a group for a long time

euronorris wrote: »

I do also think that it is unreasonable and unhealthy to cut contact with those who have children/are pregnant. I can understand the desire to do it, but ultimately it is not going to fix anything, and I can imagine that it only heightens those hurt feelings when they accidentally bump into someone with kids or who is pregnant.

And it seems that this behaviour only happens in respect of fertility issues, because I don't see people who have been paralysed, or lost a limb, or lost a loved one, suddenly start cutting out people from their live who are not paralysed/have all limbs/haven't lost a loved one. I genuinely wonder why that is?

Completely agree with you on the above

lostinrates

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I would agree, but IMO for the sake of everyone, the OP should have been approached personally by them and not fobbed off with the lame excuse that she was 'deleted by accident' At least be honest about it if nothing else.

I do not think you can go through life doing exactly what you want just because 'that is the way you feel' and to hell with the feelings of others. There are consequences for actions, or at least there should be.

That is your opinion, which i am trying to understand, sincerely i am, but my opinion, and upbringing, is that that is rude and potentially explosive course of action, the explanation.

I agree, many think life is about them and getting own way. But....again, i think that could be potentially applied both ways here, we simoly cannot say from just seeing a small sliver of op's vantage on the situation.

Its terribly op is hurt and sad, i am so sorry for her. But that doesn't mean i think her in laws are in the wrong.

Dunroamin

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I would agree, but IMO for the sake of everyone, the OP should have been approached personally by them and not fobbed off with the lame excuse that she was 'deleted by accident' At least be honest about it if nothing else.

.

So, suppose the honest reason is "I really can't stand you and wish that you weren't married to my BIL" is that really better than a white lie?

GobbledyGook

euronorris wrote: »

And it seems that this behaviour only happens in respect of fertility issues, because I don't see people who have been paralysed, or lost a limb, or lost a loved one, suddenly start cutting out people from their live who are not paralysed/have all limbs/haven't lost a loved one. I genuinely wonder why that is?

Could be because people don't unexpectedly announce that they are un-paralysed or have grown a new limb? Sounds really glib, but I don't mean it to be.

Part of the problem with infertility is that you never know when someone is going to whack you (metaphorically) in the face with news. Also there is so much detail nowadays about pregnancies. Before you'd maybe see a scan photo and hear about the odd kick, but having a glance at FB now I've got 3 people on there who are pregnant and it's just constant scan pics, ticker things about "Today I'm X weeks and now I've got fingers and toes", 3D scans and just endless stuff.

POPPYOSCAR

Dunroamin wrote: »

So, suppose the honest reason is "I really can't stand you and wish that you weren't married to my BIL" is that really better than a white lie?

Then why have her as a friend in the first place? If they did not like her they should never have added her. She cannot have done anything to upset them and change their mind as she never sees them!!!!!!!!!!

And they might just as well have said that as suddenly delete her from their facebook!!

euronorris

lostinrates wrote: »

Is that oly because they are in laws/related or in all cases? I really struggle to understand the idea its better to stay in a 'relationship' that is somehow hurting you in order to keep the peace(but do not struggle to understand that some people need a thicker skin over their personal sadness). Or that an explanation is requisite or polite, in fact, i think its rather rude! Stepping back, or letting contact go, is not necessarily the right thing to do, i agree, but to give an explanation as to what you find 'distasteful' in another seems rather presumptuously offensive to me!

I really DO want to understand this pov and i am struggling to appreciate it.

Not in all cases. I think with family, and close friends it's important to hold onto such relationships. If this is the only thing causing a problem, then simply remove face to face contact until it's easier/no longer a problem.

Personally, I feel it is better to be up front and honest with someone. For too long, I've kept things inside, just expecting other people to know or understand. But how can they, if I don't tell them? Difficult as it can be sometimes, I do think it's best. And, in this situation, it isn't about telling them what you find distasteful. It's simply being honest about finding such things terribly hard to deal with at that time, due to your own situation. ie 'I just wanted to let you know that I am going to remove you from FB. It's nothing personal, and I hope you understand, but I find it terribly hard to see posts about babies/pregnancies at the moment an need to create some distance between myself and those posts. It does NOT mean that you have done anything wrong, or that I don't want to be your friend anymore. I just need to change the parameters of our friendship in the short term. I hope you can understand, and that we can continue our friendship in a different way (via emails and/or phone calls).'.

Personally, I would not be in the slightest bit offended if someone said something like that to me. I would understand completely, and would be really pleased that my friend was able to be so honest with me, and values my friendship enough to not let this come between us permanently.

I hope that helps you to understand my POV better.

euronorris

newcook wrote: »

I assumed it because of:

Ahhh OK. I assumed she was referring to her own little family unit, and that she meant they hadn't been out since before her 1st pregnancy.

Bl00dy internet and 50 million possible interpretations! We need a bit more info from the OP I think.

POPPYOSCAR

euronorris wrote: »

Not in all cases. I think with family, and close friends it's important to hold onto such relationships. If this is the only thing causing a problem, then simply remove face to face contact until it's easier/no longer a problem.

Personally, I feel it is better to be up front and honest with someone. For too long, I've kept things inside, just expecting other people to know or understand. But how can they, if I don't tell them? Difficult as it can be sometimes, I do think it's best. And, in this situation, it isn't about telling them what you find distasteful. It's simply being honest about finding such things terribly hard to deal with at that time, due to your own situation. ie 'I just wanted to let you know that I am going to remove you from FB. It's nothing personal, and I hope you understand, but I find it terribly hard to see posts about babies/pregnancies at the moment an need to create some distance between myself and those posts. It does NOT mean that you have done anything wrong, or that I don't want to be your friend anymore. I just need to change the parameters of our friendship in the short term. I hope you can understand, and that we can continue our friendship in a different way (via emails and/or phone calls).'.

Personally, I would not be in the slightest bit offended if someone said something like that to me. I would understand completely, and would be really pleased that my friend was able to be so honest with me, and values my friendship enough to not let this come between us permanently.

I hope that helps you to understand my POV better.

I so agree with you and see this all the time.

Things are done without explanation and people get hold of the wrong end of the stick.If only they would be honest with each, it can save a lot of heartache in the end.