Family Issue causing upset

lostinrates

euronorris wrote: »

It doesn't make their opinion right. But it is their opinion, and they have a right to express it.

It could be very hurtful, or it could be very beneficial. Sometimes we need to hear some uncomfortable truths.

I'm unsure why you think it is self important. Could you explain a bit further.

Yes, just busy atm but didn't want anyone to think had withdrawan contact:D

euronorris

lostinrates wrote: »

Yes, just busy atm but didn't want anyone to think had withdrawan contact:D

No probs. I don't expect everyone to be able to chat away on here 24/7. We've all got lives to lead.

Judging by the amount of time I spend on here, most people have more interesting lives than me! :rotfl:

esmerelda98

From the brief description we have it seems they were never friends, just facebook friends, which is something very different. As far as I am aware there are no categories of 'we met once at a wedding' facebook friends, facebook acquaintances, facebook work friends or facebook bezzie mates. At one time a person might have accepted any friendship request from a person they knew, to avoid causing offence but they've now decided to only bore their real friends with their drivel. Of course they may cause offence, even if they politely explain their reasons they may still cause offence. They may have decided that regardless of any fallout that is the position they want to take. Or they may have decided that since there's never been much of a relationship, the removal of friendship status would just be noted but not agonised over.

There is little evidence of snubbing. They are just minding their own business and not chasing after a relationship with the OP. If they decided to be 'dutiful' and visit, say twice a year, I bet there'd be complaints that the contact isn't sufficient. You can't mould others into what and how you want them to be, you can only extend the hand of friendship. Sometimes people just aren't interested. It's happened to me a few times. Maybe because I realise I'm not all that I'm not amazed and angry that people decide they don't want to be anything other than aquaintances with me.

Nicki

euronorris wrote: »

I disagree. I read that first part of the quote as meaning her own little family unit, not the OH's family as a whole/in general. So I think it's open to interpretation, and needs clarifying by the OP.

The second part could easily mean that they haven't been out together since her first pregnancy. Given that her child is now 14 months, plus 9 months for pregnancy, that makes a total of 23 months. I would consider that a long time. Again, OP needs to clarify.

Whether the first part of the quote means that BIL and SIL have never been interested in the whole extended family, or just have never been interested in OP, her husband and their children, it is nonetheless quite clear from it surely that they have never been close friends? There is nothing in any of OP's posts to suggest to the contrary, and anything which she has said gives the impression that this was never a close friendship. Yet you, and a few others, are expressing strong opinions on what the SIL should have done based on the premise that they have up until the defriending been bosom buddies.

elvis86

esmerelda98 wrote: »

There is little evidence of snubbing. They are just minding their own business and not chasing after a relationship with the OP. If they decided to be 'dutiful' and visit, say twice a year, I bet there'd be complaints that the contact isn't sufficient. You can't mould others into what and how you want them to be, you can only extend the hand of friendship. Sometimes people just aren't interested. It's happened to me a few times. Maybe because I realise I'm not all that I'm not amazed and angry that people decide they don't want to be anything other than aquaintances with me.

I think you have an obligation to make at least a little effort with your brother's wife, if you have a good relationship with your brother. I would be very upset if my sister didn't afford my OH at least that, and conversely I would be upset if his brother made no effort to get along with me.

Unless the OP has done something unforgivable to the BIL and SIL, I can't see as they have a reason for treating her in this way.

I'm afraid I don't buy into the opinion that some of you have, that it's absolutely your choice who you're friends with, and your perogative to choose not to interract with someone for no reason. I think that marrying someone means you have an obligation to make some effort with the people they care about, and conversely, families have an obligation to welcome the person that their son/brother chooses to share his life with, and to try and forge some kind of relationship with them.

To those of you who believe in and exercise your right to "choose"; how would you honestly feel if you own children decided one day that they "didn't want to be friends" any more, for no apparent reason? Would that not hurt you? Do you not hope that the kids you're raising will be close and continue to be there for one another in adulthood and after you've gone? That's certainly what I would want for my children. My mum and dad would be devastated if my sister and I ever fell out.

Having children and a family is apparently paramount in this couple's minds and life, and yet they make no effort to forge any kind of relationship with their nephew, despite having a good relationship with his father. The OP's BIL hasn't even met his brother's 14 month old child, despite seeing his brother regularly. IMO, that's snubbing. Their "reason" is irrelevant.

euronorris

Nicki wrote: »

Whether the first part of the quote means that BIL and SIL have never been interested in the whole extended family, or just have never been interested in OP, her husband and their children, it is nonetheless quite clear from it surely that they have never been close friends? There is nothing in any of OP's posts to suggest to the contrary, and anything which she has said gives the impression that this was never a close friendship. Yet you, and a few others, are expressing strong opinions on what the SIL should have done based on the premise that they have up until the defriending been bosom buddies.

I don't feel that is clear. Their family unit was created when the child was born. It may have been then, that the SIL & BIL decided to withdraw/reduce contact.

I have not expressed an opinion based on that assumption though. My opinion is based on IF they were good friends before the OP's pregnancy/child, not them being good friends right up until defriending. I thought I had been clear about that, but perhaps not. I also expressed that, if there was no relationship pre pregnancy/child, then she should just respect their decision and back off.

I feel that the friendship, pre pregnancy/child, is key here and I am entitled to express my opinion. I appreciate that not everyone is going to agree, and I respect that.

lostinrates

elvis86 wrote: »

I think you have an obligation to make at least a little effort with your brother's wife, if you have a good relationship with your brother. I would be very upset if my sister didn't afford my OH at least that, and conversely I would be upset if his brother made no effort to get along with me.

Unless the OP has done something unforgivable to the BIL and SIL, I can't see as they have a reason for treating her in this way.

I'm afraid I don't buy into the opinion that some of you have, that it's absolutely your choice who you're friends with, and your perogative to choose not to interract with someone for no reason. I think that marrying someone means you have an obligation to make some effort with the people they care about, and conversely, families have an obligation to welcome the person that their son/brother chooses to share his life with, and to try and forge some kind of relationship with them.

To those of you who believe in and exercise your right to "choose"; how would you honestly feel if you own children decided one day that they "didn't want to be friends" any more, for no apparent reason? Would that not hurt you? Do you not hope that the kids you're raising will be close and continue to be there for one another in adulthood and after you've gone? That's certainly what I would want for my children. My mum and dad would be devastated if my sister and I ever fell out.

Having children and a family is apparently paramount in this couple's minds and life, and yet they make no effort to forge any kind of relationship with their nephew, despite having a good relationship with his father. The OP's BIL hasn't even met his brother's 14 month old child, despite seeing his brother regularly. IMO, that's snubbing. Their "reason" is irrelevant.

Not having kids i don't know how i would feel, beyond very, very sad.


But sometimes it is the best thing. Again, not going to say why, despite it all being very civil withdrawal, i withdrew from my family, and it IS civil. E.g. I sign christmas cards and send presents on the news of pregnancy, like last week, and have been looking for a nice surprise gift to go with what they ask for for the baby, but i find myself busy or with prior commitment for family meet ups and meals, and unable to go to visit family because of my (genuine but useful) commitments here, and when dh's family visit in summer, becuas ehe is home i will probably avail my self of the freedom to go to see my own family or friends.

I am aware this is sometimes painful, but i am also aware i have been on the receiving end of some pain, probably unintended, but certainly intrinsic to who they are.

If dh had children otoh, i would move mountains and bend backwards to maintain a closer relationship. But he doesn't.

lostinrates

euronorris wrote: »

No probs. I don't expect everyone to be able to chat away on here 24/7. We've all got lives to lead.

Judging by the amount of time I spend on here, most people have more interesting lives than me! :rotfl:

Lol, well, i am opn here more than most, just had to do something rit then for a client.

The reason i feel its self important, is because i think that to impose my view of someone upon them, when it such circumstance it is going to be far from positive, and possibly contain a view that is destructively negative is to presume my view of them is important for them to hear.

As well as all there very, VERY, many ositive points the things that make me not seek relationship for myself with my inlaws atm are very uneasant, involve things that others among them might not know (including some pretty heinous allegations) and frankly, if they knew i felt like that it could be harmful to their own self image and to their views of each other.

I would love to be friends with in laws. I just don't happen, at this time, to want to be friends with MY in laws. No misundertanding or perception issues or confusion. How will it benefit them to know that? It will make them more uncomfortable, it might topple one over the edge and damage a long term relationship or marriage. It is only MY opinion, and it only matters, in that respect to ME, why spread it about, hurt peoes feelings and potentially cate a ripple that could be a tsunami....my opinion is not that important that i care for it to be unleashed!

On occasions i have had to see them dh and i have a deal that he handles most of the conversation, its opn nietral territory like a restaurant, or better still a social thing where i can mix with other people, and i smile, never let my smile slip and don't get too wound up because its a once in a blue moon thing. If i felt that certain things were going to be a regular feature of my life then i feel this would in time become more uncomfortable for me, and would certainly make holding my tongue harder, and my husbands relationship with his family harder, and i do not want that, they do not want that, he does not want that.

hmm. I am not sure i have explained very well why i chose that word.

lostinrates

elvis86 wrote: »

I think you have an obligation to make at least a little effort with your brother's wife, if you have a good relationship with your brother. I would be very upset if my sister didn't afford my OH at least that, and conversely I would be upset if his brother made no effort to get along with me.

Unless the OP has done something unforgivable to the BIL and SIL, I can't see as they have a reason for treating her in this way.

I'm afraid I don't buy into the opinion that some of you have, that it's absolutely your choice who you're friends with, and your perogative to choose not to interract with someone for no reason. I think that marrying someone means you have an obligation to make some effort with the people they care about, and conversely, families have an obligation to welcome the person that their son/brother chooses to share his life with, and to try and forge some kind of relationship with them.
.

Suppose you do make effort initially..partially
via facebook if that is your thing, and then decide for whatever reason it is not working?

Fwiw i gave my in laws a good chance, was asked for forgiveness for two events which i brushed away and put behind us, however, on the third serious occasion decided it was not in MY bezt interests to continue the relationship, nor was it of benefit to my dh, or frankly am i worth it ti them to have doschord over, before withdrawing.


I see no point whatsoever in doschord, or lack of civivily or contact for its own sake, and am not sure why anyone would go into such a relationship not hoping it would be at least civil and hopefully more than that.

lostinrates

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Yes.

And as I said earlier it is usually better for everyone.

We had a family situation where several family members had fallen out(and facebook played its part!).This went on for over a year.

Finally, it was all thrashed out. There were tears, there were accusations but there were also explanations and ultimately understanding. It was agreed between certain people that they did not get on, would not socialise with each other but would be civil when meeting on family occasions.

The honesty has cleared the air and led the way forward to a more harmonious situation for everyone.

Hmm. Only of every one wants this. Ime if you are dealing with other people better used to sweeping under carpet and existing passive agressively a clearing of air doesn't work.

I am much more a clear air person ny nature, but it can be like playing tennis on your own. So, rather than continually hit ball into ether, i now play squash alone, lol.