Family Issue causing upset

Nicki

elvis86 wrote: »

To those of you who believe in and exercise your right to "choose"; how would you honestly feel if you own children decided one day that they "didn't want to be friends" any more, for no apparent reason? Would that not hurt you? Do you not hope that the kids you're raising will be close and continue to be there for one another in adulthood and after you've gone? That's certainly what I would want for my children. My mum and dad would be devastated if my sister and I ever fell out.

Honestly, elvis? It wouldn't bother me if my children decided to go their separate ways from each other as adults. It WOULD bother me if they were vile or horrid to each other, or if their was a bitter falling out, but just drifting apart because they had no shared interests, would be their choice to make.

But this isn't what has happened here. The two brothers remain in contact, they meet and chat sporadically. The only issue is whether the two families should be socialising together, and if one family doesn't want to that should be the end of it IMO.

elvis86

Nicki wrote: »

Honestly, elvis? It wouldn't bother me if my children decided to go their separate ways from each other as adults. It WOULD bother me if they were vile or horrid to each other, or if their was a bitter falling out, but just drifting apart because they had no shared interests, would be their choice to make.

I think that's really sad. Begs the question, why have a "family" at all? If you've no desire or ambition for the relationships to last beyond childhood, what's the point?

Nicki wrote: »

But this isn't what has happened here. The two brothers remain in contact, they meet and chat sporadically. The only issue is whether the two families should be socialising together, and if one family doesn't want to that should be the end of it IMO.

I wouldn't be happy if my OH afforded his brother the chance to maintain a relationship with him but to completely ignore myself and our child(ren) for no good reason. Maybe that makes me demanding or unreasonable, but I don't really think it does.

A family situation where:

• two brothers have a relationship with each other
• both brothers and their wives have a relationship with their parents
• one brother and his wife ignore the existence of the other brother's wife and children

is hurtful towards the woman being snubbed.

Of course it is. How can she possibly feel that her and her children are valued members of the family, when neither her husband or his parents object to the BIL and SIL refusing to acknowledge or associate with them?!

I can only imagine that those of you that can't see that this would be problematic come from somewhat fragmented family backgrounds where this kind of thing is normal?

euronorris

LIR, now I am busy, and will have to respond later! If I don't speak to you before, have a good weekend!

lostinrates

euronorris wrote: »

LIR, now I am busy, and will have to respond later! If I don't speak to you before, have a good weekend!

You too.

bright_side

elvis86 wrote: »

I think that's really sad. Begs the question, why have a "family" at all? If you've no desire or ambition for the relationships to last beyond childhood, what's the point?



I wouldn't be happy if my OH afforded his brother the chance to maintain a relationship with him but to completely ignore myself and our child(ren) for no good reason. Maybe that makes me demanding or unreasonable, but I don't really think it does.


A family situation where:

• two brothers have a relationship with each other
• both brothers and their wives have a relationship with their parents
• one brother and his wife ignore the existence of the other brother's wife and children

is hurtful towards the woman being snubbed.

Of course it is. How can she possibly feel that her and her children are valued members of the family, when neither her husband or his parents object to the BIL and SIL refusing to acknowledge or associate with them?!

I can only imagine that those of you that can't see that this would be problematic come from somewhat fragmented family backgrounds where this kind of thing is normal?

I would be deeply upset if I was in Ops situation, but me being me, I would firstly be looking at myself to figure out where the problem lies, rather than looking at them. When and if I was completely satisfied that I had done nothing to bring the situation about, I would be in the mindset that it's their problem and their loss and concentrate on the people in my life that did want me to be part of their lives.

FamilyFeuds

Eton_Rifle wrote: »

OP, they're not interested in you. Move on.

I'm reading your posts and getting the impression that you're heavy going (previous withdrawal, depression, personal struggles, a little self-absorbed) whereas they are more outgoing.

They want to go out and have fun whereas you want attention and to bond over deep psychological pain. There's a bit of a mismatch here.

To start or maintain a friendship you have to offer something. It's not enough to just exist. You can't just demand someone's attention without offering something they appreciate in return.

If you really want to fix this, you need to start inviting them to fun things. Child-free grown-up stuff that's as much about them as you. You need to be proactive and project positivity.

I am not "heavy going". I went through a particularly bad time in my life whereby my dad was seriously ill and we lost him, we had fertility issues and miscarriages. I would not wish this time of my life on anyone and you never get over these things but try and live with them. I don't stay in and feel sorry for myself though.
We have made effort from our side and continue to do so. This has not always been reciprocated.
I just find it upsetting why they would want to continue to have a relationship with my husband, other family members and friends and not myself. I understand the fertility issue but I do not go on about things on facebook, my husband is still the dad and they know other people with children. I traumatically lost my dad and find certain situations hard but don't snub people because of it.

GracieP

elvis86 wrote: »

A family situation where:

• two brothers have a relationship with each other
• both brothers and their wives have a relationship with their parents
• one brother and his wife ignore the existence of the other brother's wife and children

is hurtful towards the woman being snubbed.

Of course it is. How can she possibly feel that her and her children are valued members of the family, when neither her husband or his parents object to the BIL and SIL refusing to acknowledge or associate with them?!

Because she isn't being snubbed. The BIL has made it clear that due to their fertility issues, having a relationship with them, even to the point of just meeting the child is too painful. But he, and he alone, makes the effort to maintain contact with his brother. Nobody is being 'snubbed' they are just sad reminders of a grief which has not yet been recovered from.

elvis86

karen23 wrote: »

I would be deeply upset if I was in Ops situation, but me being me, I would firstly be looking at myself to figure out where the problem lies, rather than looking at them. When and if I was completely satisfied that I had done nothing to bring the situation about, I would be in the mindset that it's their problem and their loss and concentrate on the people in my life that did want me to be part of their lives.

And if you came to this conclusion, would you be entirely happy for your OH to continue his relationship with them as if the issues between you and them didn't exist?

I'm not sure I could accept my OH effectively adopting the attitude that:

"[Brother and SIL], you have unfathomably and unreasonably chosen to completely exclude my wife and children from your lives, which has upset my wife considerably. But I accept that it is your right to treat my wife and children like this, and will ignore it so as not to impact our relationship."

It all sounds very diplomatic, but I think I would demand more loyalty from my OH to be honest. If I were him, I wouldn't want to accept anyone treating my partner and children like that, let alone my brother.

Don't get me wrong; if my BIL and I should someday have a huge argument or falling out that renders our relationship irretrievable, then I like to think that I wouldn't preclude my OH from seeing his brother. But where the relationship breaks down for no apparent reason and through no fault of mine, I would expect my OH to "fight my corner".

FamilyFeuds

I have read all the posts on here and thanks (for most of them!) I mentioned the latest issue to my husband last night and he said how upset he is about it all and is annoyed with them. We have always tried to be supportive in a number of areas with them but a lot of the time it has always been about them (long before the fertility issues) but they have not really offered much in return. My father in law wants the son's to have a good relationship which my husband tries to do. My husband is now put in a difficult position with their recent behaviour.

Bitsy_Beans

So how come the BIL and SIL can maintain relationships with others who have children then? If that ain't a snub then what the hell is it?

If you have no wish to have any relationship with extended members of your family that's your look out but I am afraid to have been "friended" on FB and then culled I would find hurtful, especially without an explanation. To say it was done by accident but no re-friending to follow is a cop out and quite frankly would just add to the hurt.

I find it ironic that some posters are suggesting the OP is all "me, me, me" and yet seemingly affording the SIL that very same privilege. I am in no way making light of infertility issues but to knock the OP for feeling excluded is not egocentric but someone who wants to know why they've been snubbed. And from where I am sitting it IS a snub.