Family Issue causing upset

elvis86

newcook wrote: »

neither of us have done anything to alienate him - its more that his girlfriend makes him alienate his family (this also includes our aunts and grandparents).

yes its pretty low, yes its bang out of order and a horrible way to treat family but as I said, you cant force someone to have or maintain a relationship even if its a blood relative.

Completely agree, but to put this in the context of the OP's situation; would you be happy if a third sibling who remained close to you and your mum (for example), was still friendly with your brother and socialised with him regularly and never challenged his behaviour, despite being well aware of the pain he caused you and your mum?

pinkclouds wrote: »

It makes no difference if we all agree that the OP's BIL and his wife are horrible, nasty people who are treating her in a contemptible manner. No one can force them to be her mates. The OP is going to have years of heartache if she doesn't accept that.

Maybe she does, but she certainly doesn't have to accept her OH, and to a degree, her parents-in-law being complicit in and condoning the behaviour of her BIL and SIL towards her and her children, and allowing it to go unchallenged.

Taadaa

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

I have read all the posts on here and thanks (for most of them!) I mentioned the latest issue to my husband last night and he said how upset he is about it all and is annoyed with them. We have always tried to be supportive in a number of areas with them but a lot of the time it has always been about them (long before the fertility issues) but they have not really offered much in return. My father in law wants the son's to have a good relationship which my husband tries to do. My husband is now put in a difficult position with their recent behaviour.

It's good to know that you have your husband's support FF. It sounds to me like the BIL is the instigator of this, as he is the one who said it was too hard to see your son and he unfriended you first. They need to be made aware of the impact of their actions as there is a real danger the entire relationship will be damaged long term.

newcook

elvis86 wrote: »

Completely agree, but to put this in the context of the OP's situation; would you be happy if a third sibling who remained close to you and your mum (for example), was still friendly with your brother and socialised with him regularly and never challenged his behaviour, despite being well aware of the pain he caused you and your mum?.

in all honesty, no it wouldnt - if that is the way he wants to be and how he wants to live his life I am not going to step in and tell him he is doing it all wrong. he knows where we are if and when he chooses to build bridges but in the meantime me and the rest of the family have got our own lives to live!

pinkclouds

elvis86 wrote: »

Maybe she does, but she certainly doesn't have to accept her OH, and to a degree, her parents-in-law being complicit in and condoning the behaviour of her BIL and SIL towards her and her children, and allowing it to go unchallenged.

That would be the path towards an ultimatum...

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

I mentioned the latest issue to my husband last night and he said how upset he is about it all and is annoyed with them.

In a way, it's nice that the OP's husband is in agreement with her. However, that merely shifts the ultimatum from her husband (choosing between her and his brother) to her BIL (choosing between his wife and his brother). The present situation where contact is limited to minimal civilities would surely be better than a situation where contact is cut off entirely. Choosing between a sibling and a spouse is a very close call indeed...

I'm sorry, OP. I think you will have to decide where to draw a "line in the sand" and whether you are truly willing and ready to deal with the consequences.

GracieP

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

But IS the SIL withdrawing if she's still able to engage with other people who have children? If she did it carte blanche to all couples I might agree that's what she's doing. However if she continues to see other people and their children I am not sure people should be assigning such explanations as to her behaviour.

This has already been addressed by a couple of different posters. I think nicki pointed out that seeing your father's grandchild when you fear/know you can never provide those grandchildren could be unbearable to them. And another poster pointed out that she could handle other children but not her cousin's because their closeness made her inability to be a mother feel more pronounced.

Different children will have different symbolic meanings to people. When I lost my baby I had absolutely no problem being around children who were already passed the baby stage, especially children I already knew and had a relationship with. After the initial stages of grief I had no problem around random children and new cousins. But there were some babies that I just couldn't bear. One friend had a baby which would have been conceived exactly as I was miscarrying. I could never handle that baby. I saw her three times in those years and despite the fact that I was nursing a critically ill husband and barely thought about babies most of the time, on those two occasions that I saw her everything that I had lost and was in danger of losing was brought out in sharpest relief. I was also very upset when my SIL got pregnant because my baby should have been my in-laws first grandchild.

And as I said, I didn't have fertility issues, once my husband got the all clear we started trying again and got pregnant right away. And during the time we couldn't try his illness and the fact that I had to prepare for likely widowhood was a much bigger deal to me than my miscarriage. But still certain children and what they represented made me more aware of how much I was hurting, while other children were a salve that I loved being with.

FatVonD

Perhaps the other people with children have older children, the OP is currently pregnant, big difference. Or maybe they are just people that the SIL and BIL were closer to in the first place. Sharing the details of your struggle to conceive isn't something you want to share with every Tom, !!!!!! and Harry.

I do wonder if perhaps more has been said to the OP's husband and he hasn't communicated it to the OP as he's trying to spare her feelings.

FatVonD

elvis86 wrote: »

I can only imagine that those of you that can't see that this would be problematic come from somewhat fragmented family backgrounds where this kind of thing is normal?

While you are such a well rounded individual that you spend all day, every day seeking to wind up total strangers on the internet with your spiteful comments :rotfl:

GracieP

elvis86 wrote: »

The OP would like some sort of relationship with her BIL and SIL, even if it's just a cordial familial relationship in light of their shared family (ie the OP's OH and parents-in-law). Similarly, she would like her son to have some relationship with his uncle and aunt.

So what? I want super powers. I always have. I long for them. But as an adult I've learned that you don't always get what you want and you get over it. If the BIL and SIL don't want to be friends then she needs to get over it.

elvis86 wrote: »

Please, give an example of behaviour that you would consider to constitute snubbing? Is it not snubbing because the behaviour is that of someone with fertility issues? Is rudeness from an infertile person not rudeness, either?

Telling someone why you can't be around them is not snubbing them.

elvis86 wrote: »

Yes, we've established that seemingly, in the minds of many people who are struggling with infertility, anyone who is capable of conceiving and carrying a child to term is the devil incarnate.:cool:

1. I'm pregnant and have never struggled with infertility.
2. You made an infantile attempt at a point about how the SIL would behave hypocritically in a hypothetical situation failing to realise that what you described is how the OP actually is acting now.
3. You are still being infantile with your hyperbolic phraseology. Nobody said, or even remotely implied, that people who conceive easily are the devil incarnate, stop being so ridiculous. But the OP is being inconsiderate and uncompassionate. She knows exactly why her in laws don't want a relationship but won't let it go. A person with empathy would handle their disappointment at the lack of a relationship with good grace. If they refuse to do that, putting their disappointment ahead of someone else's agony then it isn't surprising that the in laws don't want to be friends with them, as their behaviour is very selfish.

elvis86 wrote: »

I think it's a very odd way for anyone to behave. To completely withdraw from and block out children and family life whilst pursuing your desire and ambition to...have children and a family?

If the much-longed-for baby arrives and won't sleep, and Mum and Dad are knackered, will they remove themselves from that painful situation by removing themselves from the baby, leaving him home alone and going out for some R&R..?

No wonder you think it's odd. You clearly lack empathy to an alarming degree. As nobody with even a modicum of it would make such a disgusting statement as the one in your last paragraph. I really, really hope you are a teenager.

POPPYOSCAR

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

I have read all the posts on here and thanks (for most of them!) I mentioned the latest issue to my husband last night and he said how upset he is about it all and is annoyed with them. We have always tried to be supportive in a number of areas with them but a lot of the time it has always been about them (long before the fertility issues) but they have not really offered much in return. My father in law wants the son's to have a good relationship which my husband tries to do. My husband is now put in a difficult position with their recent behaviour.

I am really pleased to see that your husband understands your feelings and that you have his support, that is the most important thing in all of this IMO.

Dunroamin

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Says what exactly?

It says that it works for you, whoever else gets hurt by such blunt speaking.