Family Issue causing upset

elvis86

GracieP wrote: »

Because she isn't being snubbed. The BIL has made it clear that due to their fertility issues, having a relationship with them, even to the point of just meeting the child is too painful. But he, and he alone, makes the effort to maintain contact with his brother. Nobody is being 'snubbed' they are just sad reminders of a grief which has not yet been recovered from.

As you seemingly have a firmly held belief that infertility affords people the right to behave towards and treat other people exactly as they wish with absolute disregard for their feelings; I doubt we're going to agree on this.

I would be interested to hear you alternative definition of "snubbing", though. It's difficult for me to understand that suddenly cutting your SIL out of your life, and completely failing to acknowledge the existence of your nephew, is not tantamount to snubbing them.

I would also be interested to see just how accepting these people would be if ever they do manage to have their much-longed-for baby, and friends and family decide that rather than sharing in their happiness, they wish to ignore the child for no good reason.

newcook

elvis86 wrote: »

I think that's really sad. Begs the question, why have a "family" at all? If you've no desire or ambition for the relationships to last beyond childhood, what's the point?

unfortunately though, you cannot make people be friends.

My brother and I dont have a relationship anymore nor does he have one with our mom - mainly because he is always 'too busy' to return a call/email/text.
yes its a shame as it also means I dont get to spend time with my neice and nephew and my mom doesnt get to see her grandkids but he's a grown man and its up to him if he doesnt want a relationship with us.

elvis86

newcook wrote: »

unfortunately though, you cannot make people be friends.

My brother and I dont have a relationship anymore nor does he have one with our mom - mainly because he is always 'too busy' to return a call/email/text.
yes its a shame as it also means I dont get to spend time with my neice and nephew and my mom doesnt get to see her grandkids but he's a grown man and its up to him if he doesnt want a relationship with us.

Unless you mum has ever done anything to alienate your brother or to deserve this, if it really is just a case of him being "too busy", do you not think that this is a grossly disrespectful and unkind way to treat you mum? I would be fuming if my sister ever treated my mum like this.

Is it really his right to treat his mum like that?

I mean, I know that ultimately we are all able to engage with whoever we choose, and you can't force someone to maintain a relationship with someone, but that doesn't mean that this is some kind of right that we should be able to exercise without anyone holding us to account over it.

Someone who does that to his own mother for no reason is a pretty low human being, IMO.

GracieP

elvis86 wrote: »

As you seemingly have a firmly held belief that infertility affords people the right to behave towards and treat other people exactly as they wish with absolute disregard for their feelings; I doubt we're going to agree on this.

No I don't think that but I think people who are in pain should have allowances made for them by people who are not. If not being around you causes them more pain then leave them alone. I have a friend who very nearly made it as a top level sports person at their dream team until a minor injury to anyone else ended the career before it took off. I know he spent years and years barely able to cope with the grief of that loss and one part of his healing involved cutting that sport and anyone who reminded him of that sport out of his life for a while. As a result I'd never watch that sport around him or even refer to it. It's been 10 years and he's gotten over it now but I still follow his lead on any conversation about sports. It's called having compassion.

elvis86 wrote: »

I would be interested to hear you alternative definition of "snubbing", though. It's difficult for me to understand that suddenly cutting your SIL out of your life, and completely failing to acknowledge the existence of your nephew, is not tantamount to snubbing them.

Where are you getting this from? Some people here are on a fantasy thread. The OP and her BIL's family were never, ever close. Nobody has been suddenly cut out of anyone's life. Some people have backed off from some other people who they were never close to. They have also offered an explanation for why. That isn't snubbing, it's not even close.

elvis86 wrote: »

I would also be interested to see just how accepting these people would be if ever they do manage to have their much-longed-for baby, and friends and family decide that rather than sharing in their happiness, they wish to ignore the child for no good reason.

Hopefully more so than the OP is. Because what you describe there is exactly how the OP is. When she was having fertility issues she withdrew from the world. Now that she has her much-longed-for baby she is unbelievably unaccepting of the fact that someone else wants to withdraw from her situation.

newcook

elvis86 wrote: »

Unless you mum has ever done anything to alienate your brother or to deserve this, if it really is just a case of him being "too busy", do you not think that this is a grossly disrespectful and unkind way to treat you mum? I would be fuming if my sister ever treated my mum like this.

Is it really his right to treat his mum like that?

I mean, I know that ultimately we are all able to engage with whoever we choose, and you can't force someone to maintain a relationship with someone, but that doesn't mean that this is some kind of right that we should be able to exercise without anyone holding us to account over it.

Someone who does that to his own mother for no reason is a pretty low human being, IMO.

neither of us have done anything to alienate him - its more that his girlfriend makes him alienate his family (this also includes our aunts and grandparents).

yes its pretty low, yes its bang out of order and a horrible way to treat family but as I said, you cant force someone to have or maintain a relationship even if its a blood relative.

Bitsy_Beans

GracieP wrote: »

Hopefully more so than the OP is. Because what you describe there is exactly how the OP is. When she was having fertility issues she withdrew from the world. Now that she has her much-longed-for baby she is unbelievably unaccepting of the fact that someone else wants to withdraw from her situation.

But IS the SIL withdrawing if she's still able to engage with other people who have children? If she did it carte blanche to all couples I might agree that's what she's doing. However if she continues to see other people and their children I am not sure people should be assigning such explanations as to her behaviour.

lostinrates

newcook wrote: »

neither of us have done anything to alienate him - its more that his girlfriend makes him alienate his family (this also includes our aunts and grandparents).

yes its pretty low, yes its bang out of order and a horrible way to treat family but as I said, you cant force someone to have or maintain a relationship even if its a blood relative.

Would you rather have the relationship as it is or have relationship with him but not his girlfriend?

pinkclouds

newcook wrote: »

unfortunately though, you cannot make people be friends.

^This is the simple truth of the matter.

elvis86 wrote: »

I mean, I know that ultimately we are all able to engage with whoever we choose, and you can't force someone to maintain a relationship with someone, but that doesn't mean that this is some kind of right that we should be able to exercise without anyone holding us to account over it.

It makes no difference if we all agree that the OP's BIL and his wife are horrible, nasty people who are treating her in a contemptible manner. No one can force them to be her mates. The OP is going to have years of heartache if she doesn't accept that.

As for why you might accept a relative's "friend" request on Facebook and/or later change your mind - it is merely a convenient way to share photos and communicate occasional news without the need for excruciating small talk. Some of my Facebook relatives are actual friends and some are not. I would only be concerned if an actual friend wanted to curtail contact with me.

newcook

lostinrates wrote: »

Would you rather have the relationship as it is or have relationship with him but not his girlfriend?

I would be happy to have a relationship with him (and his girlfriend) and have tried on many occasions but there comes a time when you feel like you are swimming upstream using a fork as a paddle!

Anyway, this thread is about OP and her inlaws, not me and my dysfunctional family!!

elvis86

GracieP wrote: »

Where are you getting this from? Some people here are on a fantasy thread. The OP and her BIL's family were never, ever close. Nobody has been suddenly cut out of anyone's life. Some people have backed off from some other people who they were never close to. They have also offered an explanation for why. That isn't snubbing, it's not even close.

The OP would like some sort of relationship with her BIL and SIL, even if it's just a cordial familial relationship in light of their shared family (ie the OP's OH and parents-in-law). Similarly, she would like her son to have some relationship with his uncle and aunt. However, they have suddenly ceased all contact with the OP and refuse to acknowledge the existence of her child, despite maintaining a close relationship with the OP's OH. On what level does that not equate to snubbing?

Please, give an example of behaviour that you would consider to constitute snubbing? Is it not snubbing because the behaviour is that of someone with fertility issues? Is rudeness from an infertile person not rudeness, either?

GracieP wrote: »

Hopefully more so than the OP is. Because what you describe there is exactly how the OP is. When she was having fertility issues she withdrew from the world. Now that she has her much-longed-for baby she is unbelievably unaccepting of the fact that someone else wants to withdraw from her situation.

Yes, we've established that seemingly, in the minds of many people who are struggling with infertility, anyone who is capable of conceiving and carrying a child to term is the devil incarnate.:cool:

I think it's a very odd way for anyone to behave. To completely withdraw from and block out children and family life whilst pursuing your desire and ambition to...have children and a family?

If the much-longed-for baby arrives and won't sleep, and Mum and Dad are knackered, will they remove themselves from that painful situation by removing themselves from the baby, leaving him home alone and going out for some R&R..?