Family Issue causing upset

mummyroysof3

OP what happens at family gatherings?

POPPYOSCAR

Dunroamin wrote: »

It says that it works for you, whoever else gets hurt by such blunt speaking.

That is your interpretation because that is how you want to see it.

It works for me because in the past I have kept quiet and it did not work. I now speak my mind and I find that both myself and everyone around me are better off for it - that is why it works for me.

lostinrates

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

That is your interpretation because that is how you want to see it.

It works for me because in the past I have kept quiet and it did not work. I now speak my mind and I find that both myself and everyone around me are better off for it - that is why it works for me.

I think thats great, as i say for me its the other way round. If it did not work for someone in your family circle you might find you had to change tack again.

POPPYOSCAR

lostinrates wrote: »

I think thats great, as i say for me its the other way round. If it did not work for someone in your family circle you might find you had to change tack again.

Yes I understand that everyone is different.

I also think their is a huge difference between 'blunt' speaking and communicating your feelings to someone. It all depends on how it is done.

It is just my experience in life that unless people are honest with each other resentment builds up. It can be suppressed but eventually comes to the surface in one shape or another making the situation even worse.

I cannot stand hypocrisy and I always say that I would never say something about a person that I would not say to their face, that is how I am now. I cannot stand '!!!!!ing' about people behind their back.

lostinrates

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Yes I understand that everyone is different.

I also think their is a huge difference between 'blunt' speaking and communicating your feelings to someone. It all depends on how it is done.

It is just my experience in life that unless people are honest with each other resentment builds up. It can be suppressed but eventually comes to the surface in one shape or another making the situation even worse.

I cannot stand hypocrisy and I always say that I would never say something about a person that I would not say to their face, that is how I am now. I cannot stand '!!!!!ing' about people behind their back.

I think in many ways we are very similar po. I dislike hypocracy too, though i have a continual internal dialogue about this because i thik to some degree we are all, or everyone who i have met, is in some small way, hypocritical. I just find swimming in it very difficult and to a degree upsetting. This is why honesty doesn't work in my particular situation, and why withdrawal rather than continuing to swim against a tide of it is the best move. You can be as honest and sensitive and open as you like, but if it is not recipricated you are honest, open, sensitive and unrecipricated, so one can move on, or stay and have a repeated surfacing of frustrationg and one way communication!

I am absolutely positive that if inlaws, either of them, were on here telling their side of the story what ever it is, we would collectively poi t out the other side of the story and be comforting as a group, as OP has received....reassurance its not HER problem, and attempts to explain potential reasons for it. But they are not, and really i think OP has to accept its not nice, its NOT her fault or issue, she and her nice sounding oh have to decide if and what they want to say and do about it, and probably she is best moving on, rejoicing in her family and friends and putting it behind them.

I dn't know, but imagine the want to have your children understand their history and feel embraced by their whole amily is pretty strong, but if its not going to happen then moviong forward from this situation will robably be more rewarding for op and her family, even if its not the direction she would have chosen!

POPPYOSCAR

lostinrates wrote: »

I think in many ways we are very similar po. I dislike hypocracy too, though i have a continual internal dialogue about this because i thik to some degree we are all, or everyone who i have met, is in some small way, hypocritical. I just find swimming in it very difficult and to a degree upsetting. This is why honesty doesn't work in my particular situation, and why withdrawal rather than continuing to swim against a tide of it is the best move. You can be as honest and sensitive and open as you like, but if it is not recipricated you are honest, open, sensitive and unrecipricated, so one can move on, or stay and have a repeated surfacing of frustrationg and one way communication!

I am absolutely positive that if inlaws, either of them, were on here tellighteir side of the story what ever it is, we would collectively poi t out the other side of the story and be comforting as a group, as OP has received....reassurance its not HER problem, and attempts to explain potential reasons for it. But they are not, and really i think OP has to accept its not nice, its NOT her fault or issue, she and her nice sounding oh have to decide if and what they want to say and do about it, and probably she is best moving on, rejoicing in her family and friends and putting it behind them.

I dn't know, but imagine the want to have your children understand their history and feel embraced by their whole amily is pretty strong, but if its not going to happen then moviong forward from this situation will robably be more rewarding for op and her family, even if its not the direction she would have chosen!

I agree with everything you say here.

minerva_windsong

OP - picking up on something from a few pages back, if, as it seems, it is 'just you' (ie not other family members with kids), what was your husband's relationship with his brother like before he met you? Have you and your OH moved away from where his family lived/further away from his brother etc? I'm just wondering if there's more to it than just the fertility issues - I'm not saying that they're an excuse or anything mind, more bringing something underlying to the fore if that makes sense - and the BIL thinks you've somehow 'taken your husband away' from him or from the family. It sounds petty and childish I know but some people do think like that and it could well be part of why they'll still see him but they won't see you...

Also, does your husband know that you would be OK with talking to your BIL and SIL about the fertility issues if they wanted? Of course they may not want to do that - and that seems like the case from their behaviour - but whilst I haven't had fertility issues myself (although that is a possibility in the future due to a medical condition I have), I have had periods of depression and even when I haven't felt like talking to people, it has helped me to know that I had friends and a partner who were there if I did want to talk. That said I did have people who were very constantly 'are you all right?' and that was a real irritation and actually made me want to push them away. Better to make the offer once and then leave them to it - if they want to talk to you, then they'll come to you.

However if they won't talk to you for whatever reason I think it needs to come from your husband, although of course he may not want to talk about it, either for fear of upsetting his brother or for his own reasons, and there's nothing you can do about that I'm afraid.

Nicki

If they do know OP wants to talk to them about their fertility problems, that might actually have been the catalyst for all this to be honest.

When I was struggling to conceive my first child, it was a hugely private grief, and although I had a very small number of friends who knew (OK, one good friend) I would sooner have cut my tongue out, than spoken of it to any family member. When we then conceived and miscarried at 17 weeks, so family knew of the pregnancy and loss, and then knew we wanted a family, which didn't actually happen for us for another 4 years, I was humiliated and upset beyond description. And even if you take the family element out of the equation, with all the expectations, history, personalities and confidentiality issues involved, the last person I would have wanted to discuss my problems trying to conceive with would have been a pregnant woman, much less a pregnant woman with a baby in arms too, whether or not that woman had struggled to conceive the first child or not.

FamilyFeuds

I do understand the situation. I have been there and you don't just get over it once the baby arrives. I could have done with a lot of support going through my dad's illness but didn't get it. It is causing a lot of hurt and upset that they continue to want to be friendly with my husband (who is the dad and posts things as well) and other friends and family.

thorsoak

Just let it go. Your BIL and SIL don't "have" to like you - and they obviously don't - for whatever reason.

But your OH is still brother to your BIL - and that relationship should remain strong. Just accept the fact and try and ignore it, and concentrate on other friends and family.

Life is far too short to get het up about who is and who isn't friends on facebook!