Family Issue causing upset

pinkclouds

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

No my husband is very upset by their behaviour (not just facebook) and is questioning this.

I would hazard the obvious guess that hubby is upset because OP is upset. Quite natural and understandable. However, he can't make them like OP any more than the OP can.

Is the sought solution that hubby cuts off contact with his brother if BIL and wife refuse to be mates with OP...?

OP has stated that hubby's family is "not close" and that she did not receive the type of support regarding her father's death that she would have liked. It is thus a known fact that hubby's family do not go in for the kind of support that she would like to give (regarding fertility issues). I don't know how many ways this can be stated.

mountainofdebt

pinkclouds wrote: »

OP has stated that hubby's family is "not close" and that she did not receive the type of support regarding her father's death that she would have liked. It is thus a known fact that hubby's family do not go in for the kind of support that she would like to give (regarding fertility issues). I don't know how many ways this can be stated.

And that is exactly why - even though two people can meet and fall in love - the two families can approach the same problem from a completely different angle.

My OH's family rarely communicate with each other over family issues whilst mine will have the telephone wires burning.

Nicki

pinkclouds wrote: »

OP has stated that hubby's family is "not close" and that she did not receive the type of support regarding her father's death that she would have liked. It is thus a known fact that hubby's family do not go in for the kind of support that she would like to give (regarding fertility issues). I don't know how many ways this can be stated.

I don't think it matters what anyone says. The OP is just not going to get that there are other viewpoints than hers on this issue and she is not going to let up unfortunately until her OH breaks off contact with his brother and there is a genuine family feud, rather than just a distance as there is at the moment.

I have had severe fertility issues in the past, and I did not respond as the BIL and SIL did, but I can understand that some people do, and why. I would not presume to say that just because I had experienced this sadness in my life (now overcome thankfully) that I know everything there is to know about how people do, or should, react, as OP seems to do. Whilst I came into the thread feeling sympathetic to both sides in this, OP's complete refusal to consider anyone's viewpoint or needs but her own have completely alienated me I'm afraid, and I do feel very very sorry for the BIL and SIL in the resulting fallout which OP is about to cause

CH27

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

No my husband is very upset by their behaviour (not just facebook) and is questioning this.

Is he upset at them or is he upset because you keep going on about it?

FamilyFeuds

For the recent few posts, my husband is upset that his brother and sister in law are treating his family like this. There have been other issues that I have not dwelled on here. We have given them support over the years and have had little in return. We have had a really hard few years ourselves so life has not been easy for anyone. For them to be okay with him and not want anything to do with his little boy or me is really upsetting him. I do not want any more stress in my life as I have had too much over the last few years. As one poster pointed out, I am still struggling to get over losing my dad.

mountainofdebt

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

For the recent few posts, my husband is upset that his brother and sister in law are treating his family like this. There have been other issues that I have not dwelled on here. We have given them support over the years and have had little in return. We have had a really hard few years ourselves so life has not been easy for anyone. For them to be okay with him and not want anything to do with his little boy or me is really upsetting him. I do not want any more stress in my life as I have had too much over the last few years. As one poster pointed out, I am still struggling to get over losing my dad.

FF

As I see it you and your OH have a number of options open to you

1) Your OH can ask his brother outright what issue they have with your son and you...no beating around the bush -a direct question often leaves no room for a waffle of an answer.

2) Accept the situation and keep contact civil and to the bear minimum

3) Accept the situation and leave the contact as it is.

There is very little point in getting upset if neither you or your OH is going to at least ask BIL/SIL what the issue is.

thorsoak

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

For the recent few posts, my husband is upset that his brother and sister in law are treating his family like this. There have been other issues that I have not dwelled on here. We have given them support over the years and have had little in return. We have had a really hard few years ourselves so life has not been easy for anyone. For them to be okay with him and not want anything to do with his little boy or me is really upsetting him. I do not want any more stress in my life as I have had too much over the last few years. As one poster pointed out, I am still struggling to get over losing my dad.

But what has that to do with you BIL and SIL?

If your OH is upset with the way his brother is behaving towards his family, then he should take it up with his brother - but in your shoes, I wouldn't want to go where I wasn't wanted - if they don't want to see your children - that's their perogative - but it would seem that you are using your bereavement as a club to batter everyone with.

Lots of people do not know how to deal with someone who is totally immersed in grief - it may bring back bad memories for all you know. Concentrate on your little family - your little boy and the baby you are expecting - let the others go spit!

bright_side

thorsoak wrote: »

But what has that to do with you BIL and SIL?

If your OH is upset with the way his brother is behaving towards his family, then he should take it up with his brother - but in your shoes, I wouldn't want to go where I wasn't wanted - if they don't want to see your children - that's their perogative - but it would seem that you are using your bereavement as a club to batter everyone with.

Lots of people do not know how to deal with someone who is totally immersed in grief - it may bring back bad memories for all you know. Concentrate on your little family - your little boy and the baby you are expecting - let the others go spit!

I was just thinking this and OP certainly appears to be immersed. Maybe the in-laws just find it uncomfortable to deal with OP when they have their own problems at the fore front of their minds. Other peoples grief can be very draining and a 'I've had it really hard, you should feel sorry for me' approach to life is not attractive.

FamilyFeuds

I am not still totally immersed in grief and do not push this on others. Yes I still think about my Dad every day and miss him but I live my life. I intend to enjoy what we have now as life is so short and you never know what is around the corner. Yes I would like to play happy families but guess that only exists in fairytales.
My husband understands the situation and and will raise this with the family and will raise this when he sees fit as it is causing underlying tension.

pam_wag

Caroline73 wrote: »

They are struggling to conceive, you have a 14 month old and are pregnant again.

You are a reminder of what they haven't got.

Rightly or wrongly, its probably why they unfriended you on FB.

I think Caroline has probably hit the nail on the head. Seeing you with a little boy and a growing pregnancy bump is probably more than your SIL can bear to see and, even with your having similar initial experiences, well we all handle things differently dont we. Your husband seeing his brother is relatively "pain-free" for them, we all know men never cover the touchy-feely conversations, dont we? Maybe you could drop her a line and say that you miss having contact and that you would love them not yo miss out on your sons growing years, as you hope to be part of their future childrens lives. Hint that you can see their pain and would love to be supportive of them during this time till their own bundle of joy arrives. If nothing happens after that, then leave them to their pain and try to be understanding. Good luck!