Family Issue causing upset

Dunroamin

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Well that is where we differ.

I never used to be so upfront and say what I thought but I do now.I do not do it in temper or in an attacking way, I just let people know how I feel about it and it works for me.
.

Somehow that says it all really.

euronorris

lostinrates wrote: »

Yes i think it does. I agree, that would have been a nicer course of action potentially. (personally i would have found that rather patronising and somewhat self interested, i would rather the contact just drifted, but i think thats what makes us all different, not right or wrong)

What do you find patronising about it?

Apart from they don't seem to want emails/phone calls or meet ups, so it would not have been true in this case.

Maybe they would, but were concerned that OP wouldn't be happy with that. Or assumed that she would react a certain way. Which is why I prefer honesty. We may not get the answers or responses that we want, or expect, but at least we all know where we stand and no one is hurt due to a misunderstanding, or missing out on something better due to a lack of communication.

However, i can see all sorts of potential for disaster with it. It being shown round to family, being devisive, brought up in future discussions...the recipient being more hurt by it, and being more upset (on the back of what she describes as very distressing recent times) or depending on her character allsorts of reactions.

(for me the facebook thing is a sort of weird one, i am not on it, have no interest in it and think its a little odd tbh!, so not entirely sure of the ins and outs of it. In fact, though its the thing that prompted ops post i think its a symptom not a cause in this case quite likely)

Maybe this would happen, maybe that would happen. We don't know, and no one can know until they discuss things openly and honestly. And, let's say the email was sent, and OP received it and then passed it around the family. Bl00dy awful, but they could address that issue also, and at least they would then know what kind of person she was and cut contact if they wanted to.

euronorris

lostinrates wrote: »

I would never EVer tell someone why i don't lie them, what makes my opinion on them so right! That sort of thing could be horrifically hurtful and unneceassary and very self important imo!

It doesn't make their opinion right. But it is their opinion, and they have a right to express it.

It could be very hurtful, or it could be very beneficial. Sometimes we need to hear some uncomfortable truths.

I'm unsure why you think it is self important. Could you explain a bit further.

POPPYOSCAR

euronorris wrote: »

Maybe this would happen, maybe that would happen. We don't know, and no one can know until they discuss things openly and honestly. And, let's say the email was sent, and OP received it and then passed it around the family. Bl00dy awful, but they could address that issue also, and at least they would then know what kind of person she was and cut contact if they wanted to.

Yes.

And as I said earlier it is usually better for everyone.

We had a family situation where several family members had fallen out(and facebook played its part!).This went on for over a year.

Finally, it was all thrashed out. There were tears, there were accusations but there were also explanations and ultimately understanding. It was agreed between certain people that they did not get on, would not socialise with each other but would be civil when meeting on family occasions.

The honesty has cleared the air and led the way forward to a more harmonious situation for everyone.

POPPYOSCAR

Dunroamin wrote: »

Somehow that says it all really.

Says what exactly?

euronorris

Nicki wrote: »

It is interesting that this situation means that one of two people is going to be hurt, either OP if contact is stopped, or the SIL if it is maintained, yet some people feel that OP has a right not to be hurt, and that it is OK for the SIL to be so. The urge to have children of your own is in most cases an instinctive one, and inability to do so causes deep trauma. I'm not aware there is a similar instinctive urge to have a relationship with the brother of your partner and his wife. I would imagine for example that even if this defriending hadn't happened, if OP ever separated from her husband, she would not give the BIL and SIL a second thought and would probably never see them again without making an effort to have one last meeting to say goodbye.

I don't think it's OK for the SIL to be hurt. Especially not just so that the OP isn't hurt. Which is why I suggested earlier, about simply changing the relationship in the short term.

No, the urge to have a friendship is not the same of course. But we still don't know if there was a strong friendship to begin with, or not. That changes things, IMO. If there was a strong friendship before, then it is understandable that the OP is pretty upset. Even more so if her close friend hasn't been there for her during a traumatic time in her life. She's also grieving.

We don't know how the OP would act towards BIL & SIL if they split, so I think it's unfair to assume how she would act.

FatVonD

euronorris wrote: »

But we still don't know if there was a strong friendship to begin with, or not. That changes things, IMO. If there was a strong friendship before, then it is understandable that the OP is pretty upset.

I'm assuming from these quotes from the OP that there was never a close relationship, in fact it sounds to me like the OP disliked them anyway.

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

My brother in law (husbands brother) and sister in law have never really been overly bothered about the family. We haven't met up as a group for a long time but my husband has met with his brother every few months to go to the pub and cinema.

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

They have always been a little bit strange and it has been about them all the time.

Nicki

euronorris wrote: »

But we still don't know if there was a strong friendship to begin with, or not. That changes things, IMO. If there was a strong friendship before, then it is understandable that the OP is pretty upset. Even more so if her close friend hasn't been there for her during a traumatic time in her life. She's also grieving.

We don't know how the OP would act towards BIL & SIL if they split, so I think it's unfair to assume how she would act.

I'm sorry but we know exactly how close the relationship between them was before OP had her children. It's all in the first post on the thread. It was distant at best, they didn't socialise as two couples and it looks like they hadn't seen OP since well before the first baby came along. In fact the only thing which has changed in their pattern of behaviour towards OP is whether they want to read her facebook posts and let her read theirs.

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

My brother in law (husbands brother) and sister in law have never really been overly bothered about the family. We haven't met up as a group for a long time but my husband has met with his brother every few months to go to the pub and cinema. We had a little boy last year who is now 14 months and are expecting another baby. They have never met their nephew and have never shown any interest which upsets us.

euronorris

FatVonD wrote: »

I'm assuming from these quotes from the OP that there was never a close relationship, in fact it sounds to me like the OP disliked them anyway.

Again, the first quote I interpreted differently. The OP has not yet clarified about the relationship pre children/fertility issues.

The second quote doesn't necessarily mean they weren't close.

If they weren't, then I would agree that the OP should just back off and accept that they don't want a relationship with her.

I just get the impression that this whole thing is based on a lot of misunderstandings, on both sides, and miscommunication. But until the OP clarifies, we just won't know.

euronorris

Nicki wrote: »

I'm sorry but we know exactly how close the relationship between them was before OP had her children. It's all in the first post on the thread. It was distant at best, they didn't socialise as two couples and it looks like they hadn't seen OP since well before the first baby came along. In fact the only thing which has changed in their pattern of behaviour towards OP is whether they want to read her facebook posts and let her read theirs.

I disagree. I read that first part of the quote as meaning her own little family unit, not the OH's family as a whole/in general. So I think it's open to interpretation, and needs clarifying by the OP.

The second part could easily mean that they haven't been out together since her first pregnancy. Given that her child is now 14 months, plus 9 months for pregnancy, that makes a total of 23 months. I would consider that a long time. Again, OP needs to clarify.