Family Issue causing upset

DKLS

Emmzi wrote: »

you have an overly simplistic blackand white view of the world. This "real friends" stuff is nonsense. do they have to stick their hand in a burning flame for you, too?

I find babies moist and smelly dull and actively choose friends without. I am sure people with them are glad not to have the woman who won't pick the child up there. When the kids are older we start doing stuff again. It does not make my friends bad people, or me a bad person, but honestly, pictures of the kid every hour?

I've had people de-fb me at various times when they are going through a hard time and I am, I dunno, blissfully in love. They come back when ready. Life is not static. Relationships are not static.

We're not all eight.

Couldnt agree more, my best friend has 3 kids and I have only ever seen the first one I have zero interest in them other than a quick "hows the Mrs and the rugrats" question before we move onto more important topics. We like it this way he gets a regular night out without having to be a husband/father he can simply be my mate and talk about the crap we always have done whilst enjoying a curry and a few sherberts.

Likwise I didnt see my neice until she was 8 months old, her father did point out I took my time in visiting but was round there like a shot when he bought a new Alpina B7 . I did point out that his twin turbo bavarian flying machine was much more interesting than the fruit of his loins.

Now most of my friends are childfree and the ones with kids have faded away.

As to the OP sod em and move on and enjoy your family, oh and step away from faceache users seem to cause a lot of hassle for each other jusging by the threads that appear on here.

elvis86

dizziblonde wrote: »

And to Elviswhatevernumberitis - god you've posted some of THE most insensitive, ignorant, cruel drivel I've ever had the misfortune to read on these boards.

Really? Wow. You need to get out more. All I've said is that having fertility issues doesn't give people the right to behave badly towards others.

dizziblonde wrote: »

To basically think it's utterly acceptable to demand that those having problems get the hell off faceache rather than removing people whose posts they know are going to distress them... you're either blissfully naive, incredibly selfish or trolling - I'm unsure which.

None of the above, actually.

If your fertility issues render you so emotionally fragile that you cannot cope interracting with anybody with a child, it's foolish to frequent a social networking website where people post things indiscriminately and aren't tailored to a specific audience. I'm don't sign up to this idea of Facebook being the be all and end all, but if you do use it, you have to accept that "defriending" someone does convey a definite intention towards that person and may cause offence/upset.

dizziblonde wrote: »

Infertility is hell, fertility problems brought me to the point of being found sobbing on the bathroom floor, pile of tablets on my lap and having to be physically prevented from taking them. To have some moron on the internet try to isolate and make ANYONE going through that level of pain suffer further is an act of grotesque and extreme inhumanity.

I think you're getting a bit hysterical. Suggesting that someone not use Facebook is not my idea of grotesque and extreme inhumanity. Some perspective, please.

By the sounds of it, the only people isolating those with fertility problems are themselves, where they choose to cut off anyone with a life and family that they envy?

dizziblonde wrote: »

I refused to add a couple of relatives - because I know how bad they are for putting a million and one baby photos on, copy and pasting all the "mummy" statuses and the like... and I knew that at that time my mental wellbeing would be upset by having to read that stuff every day... didn't mean (like some moron on here suggested) that I didn't deserve to be able to use the site, or I should be locked away like society's filthy secret (again our dear moron seems to have this attitude) - but just that, for a site that allows you to choose who you contact - I was making that choice.

Wow. I'm pretty surprised by the aggresiveness of your responses.

Where exactly did I say that those suffering infertility should be locked away?! I am, in fact, saying the exact opposite; that retreating entirely from friends and family with children is a bad thing for someone with fertility issues to do.

Incidentally, the only people whose posts on this thread have contained any suggestion or implication that certain people should be hidden away, are the childless people who seem to object to encountering anyone who is pregnant or had a child.

dizziblonde wrote: »

You're really spectacularly over reacting though - it's all YOU YOU YOU, YOUR CHILD, YOU - she's in a place where she needs to deal with HER first... would you be putting yourself and your family ahead of her needs if it was reversed? No you wouldn't.

I disagree. The OP is not overreacting. You, on the other hand...

What I am saddened to have learned from this thread, is how angry, bitter and irrational fertility issues seem to make some people. For some, it seems that anyone with a child, anyone living the life that they strive for, is rendered a mortal enemy and is treated with utter contempt and even "cut off".

And these people seem to think that this is their right, that fertility issues afford them the right to be cruel and thoughtless towards others (although conversely, they expect anyone with a pram to somehow "sense" their infertility and cross the road to avoid them), and that everyone else should accept their behaviour for as long as they are struggling with childlessness, but potentially welcome them back with open arms as soon as they have achieved their goal of having a family.

In the context of the OP's situation, she has experienced fertility issues herself, and could actually be a helpful and supportive confidante to her SIL, and an encouraging example that it can happen for those who struggle to conceive.

Whilst I agree that it's her SIL's right to choose not to accept this support, it is not her right to make the OP feel so bad, and her OH is out of order for tolerating that and allowing it to go unchallenged.

pinkclouds

burnoutbabe wrote: »

I ask again, are the grandparents also fine to pretend they have no grandkids? do they ignire the OP too and her kids?

and the father is fine with all this?

you want not want to be friends with your inlaws, but you don't usually decide that ignoring them is the right thing to do. You at least do a token visit/call at xmas or when a baby is born. its not as though they are far away and the brother could visit on his own if needed. I'd not be that interested in a new baby but you go and visit when its a relative who is over the moon at a new baby.

I'd be having major words with your OH who needs to say how hurt you all are by the lack of interest in his kids and the ignoring of you.

A token gesture to be polite, absolutely. The OP hasn't mentioned that BIL/wife do not send birthday cards or make rude comments at family events. I would expect her/husband to receive some form of acknowledgement when the second baby arrives - whether that is a call from his brother to him or a card from the family to them or whatever type of communication/gift is normal within their family group. Other than that, I don't see there is anything else to be demanded. The OP also hasn't said that the grandparents ignore their grandchildren - just that they think the "situation" between OP and BIL/wife is fine. Which it is.

Why must the wife of your BIL be your friend? The wives of my *friends* are not my friends. I couldn't tell you what most of them look like! One of my acquaintances tragically lost his wife. I send a condolence card and expressed my sympathy. I've never met the woman and now I never will. My interest in his wife and child go as far as "how is so-and-so getting on?" Although when they had the baby, I sent a card and gift to them as a family as the obvious polite thing to do. It is good manners to be polite to/about someone's spouse and children. But that doesn't translate to being the spouse's best buddy and doting loco parentis to the kids.

The only time you have an unquestioning obligation to take on (and love/care for) someone as a package deal is if you are marrying someone with kids. Then you must fully accept the kids, any ex-spouses (because they are the kids' parents) and support any close family relationships that the kids already have.

pinkclouds

elvis86 wrote: »

Whilst I agree that it's her SIL's right to choose not to accept this support, it is not her right to make the OP feel so bad, and her OH is out of order for tolerating that and allowing it to go unchallenged.

It *is* her BIL's wife's right not to be friends with her. I don't think de-friending on Facebook counts as being rude though. It's on par with not emailing or not phoning. The woman hasn't made a song-and-dance of it. She just clicked one link and that was it.

I'm sorry the OP feels hurt that she isn't one of BIL's wife's "special people" but, tbh, you never learn anything nice from eavesdropping. Surely she has enough friends and family of her own to not require an extra person simply because there is a link by marriage?

red_devil

pinkclouds wrote: »

It *is* her BIL's wife's right not to be friends with her. I don't think de-friending on Facebook counts as being rude though. It's on par with not emailing or not phoning. The woman hasn't made a song-and-dance of it. She just clicked one link and that was it.

I'm sorry the OP feels hurt that she isn't one of BIL's wife's "special people" but, tbh, you never learn anything nice from eavesdropping. Surely she has enough friends and family of her own to not require an extra person simply because there is a link by marriage?

maybe she hasnt, maybe she wants to be friendly with bil wife they are family after all. It dosent sound like the wife phones or emails either.

If someone blocked you on fb i am sure you would wonder why?

elvis86

pinkclouds wrote: »

It *is* her BIL's wife's right not to be friends with her. I don't think de-friending on Facebook counts as being rude though. It's on par with not emailing or not phoning. The woman hasn't made a song-and-dance of it. She just clicked one link and that was it.

I'm sorry the OP feels hurt that she isn't one of BIL's wife's "special people" but, tbh, you never learn anything nice from eavesdropping. Surely she has enough friends and family of her own to not require an extra person simply because there is a link by marriage?

But presumably, as the OP says both her BIL and SIL were friends with her on Facebook at some point, they did want to be friends once? And now they don't, and they've not explained why (BIL claimed to have defriended her by accident, SIL did it with no explaination).

Anyone who signs up to and "buys into" Facebook, knows full well that the act of "defriending" someone conveys a message. It's an action that is tanatmount to saying; "I don't want to be your friend any more", and is therefore not the same as not phoning or emailing. I can't imagine how anyone would take it as a compliment, put it that way.:cool:

Now, as I say, Facebook is something I use to keep in touch with people. It's not the centre of my universe. But if my OH's brother and his fiance (who I am friends with) suddenly defriended me and began to ignore my existence, I would want to know why. And yes, whilst I'd say we have a "distant" friendly relationship, I would be upset that from their POV this had suddenly changed.

I would expect that my OH would want to know what the problem was,and I would certainly not expect him to socialise with them without me and not bring it up. By doing that, the OP's OH is legitimising and endorsing their behaviour towards his partner. Behaviour which has left her feeling hurt. She has the right to expect more of him.

red_devil

exactly anyone who cant see it is abit odd.

newcook

elvis86 wrote: »

Whilst I agree that it's her SIL's right to choose not to accept this support, it is not her right to make the OP feel so bad, and her OH is out of order for tolerating that and allowing it to go unchallenged.

thing is though, it sounds as if he has challenged it and the response from BIL was:

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

A while back my husband did say to his brother that he had a nephew that would love to meet him and his brother said it was too hard.

The OP knows that they don’t want to be around her because of their fertility issues but still wants to push the subject. Im sure that OP didn’t want to be around pregnant people when she had issues. You only have to take a look at the ‘trying to conceive’ thread that many women find it extremely difficult to visit family and friends who are pregnant/just given birth/have a toddler.


It may even be that SIL doesn’t even realize just how much she is hurting OP – as far as SIL is probably concerned, she knows there are going to be posts on FB about baby kicking, moving, scan pictures etc or even that OP has signed up to the app that does a week by week progress report in the newsfeed so has removed herself from the situation of seeing it by deleting OP.

I appreciate that OP wants to be there to support her but its possible that SIL already has that support from one of her friends – after all, it is only because they are both married to the brothers that they know each other.

If I was OP I would support OH to see his brother (after all, he is his support in this) but to keep reminding him that if ever SIL wants someone to talk to that you will be there

sassyblue

OP, l haven't read all the thread but l would say the other family members are out of order BUT you and l both know how it feels when you cannot conceive, so l would just let them get on with it.

I also echo what others have said and whilst you don't need to make your OH choose between his family or his wife l think he should make it clear he's not happy that they cut you and your child(ren) out whilst wanting a relationship with him.

Dunroamin

red_devil wrote: »

maybe she hasnt, maybe she wants to be friendly with bil wife they are family after all. It dosent sound like the wife phones or emails either.
?

She may want to be friendly with BIL wife but that doesn't mean that BIL's wife wants to be friendly with her! And, after all, they are not related in any way.