Family Issue causing upset

GracieP

mishkanorman wrote: »

Is it causing hurt to all the family though or just you ? I cant see that you've posted anywhere that says your husbands side of the family are all offended by this.

The OP has in fact posted that her husband's family are all fine with the situation and don't think the BIL and SIL are acting in anyway out of line.

OP you are focussing again on what you want. They don't want to chat about it and I can imagine how excruciating any such chat would feel for them. Just give them space. That's how you support them. You are starting to seem very fixated on you and what you want. Come on. You are the one with the child and another on the way. You are the one who has what they desire. (And anyone with sense knows this isn't like wanting a thing, our desire to procreate is primal and can be completely overwhelming.) Let them dictate how they deal with their hurt.

Sambucus_Nigra

mishkanorman wrote: »

Sambucus Nigra

The OP is pregnant and im guessing her husband is not so I would guess thats why ~!

But he is still going to be a dad again...I'm guessing that they haven't cut every single person who has a child out of their lives otherwise the OP would say 'they have cut every single person who has a child out of their lives'. I'm sure a little digging would find them friends with someone who has a child.

FBaby

Like others have said, and having been through it myself, the most likely reason for her behaviour is that it hurts her too much to see you having what she would want most in the world and is probably consuming her thoughts every minutes.

You say you have been there and understand, but one thing you don't seem to understand is that your understand changes nothing to their situation. You telling her you understand how she feels because you HAVE been there won't help her because you are not there any longer, you are now where she wishes she was.

It is very likely that she feels terrible about shutting you out. She probably wishes she could meet your child, ask you how you are feeling, but her pain is such that she just can't do it for her own sanity.

When my partner and i decided to try to conceive, I was lucky to fall pregnant first month, but then miscarried. I was already 38, so knew I didn't have a lot of time and was desperately eager to try again. This is when my friend who is the same age announced she had managed to convince her husband to also try for another baby. We had previously conceived at the same time and enjoyed sharing everything together and without saying it, hoped we would again conceive around the same time. Unfortunately, it didn't happen. She conceived two months later, I didn't. Then she experienced the exact same thing than I with the miscarriage, so turned to me because no one knew she was pregnant. I advised her and was there for her, but thankfully for her, it was a false alarm...twice. Of course I never wished her to lose her baby like I did, but going through it with her, with everything turning out fine when it didn't for me, and then myself struggling to fall pregnant again just got too much and I couldn't face communicating with her again, even though she was careful after that not to talk much about the pregnancy.

I am so grateful that she was totally understanding and put no pressure on me. She told me she understood and looked forward to my contacting her again in my own time. Strangely, it happened just before she was due. We met when she was about to pop, and I was about ok with it. I'd had time to remove myself from comparing myself to her and I was able to cope with it. After that, I was fine, even when she had her baby, even when she turned 1 and I still wasn't pregnant.

If you really care about your husband brother and wife, give them time. Remember that it is about them, not you and respect that their pain is the reason for their attitude. Don't hold it against them, as you say, you've been there and should understand. Hopefully, they will fall pregnant soon themselves and I bet you will be one of the first she will get in touch with.

nickyhutch

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

why is it up to him to do anything?

To support his wife? You know, the woman he loves, the woman he chose, the woman he married, the woman he has children with?

lostinrates

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

But he is still going to be a dad again...I'm guessing that they haven't cut every single person who has a child out of their lives otherwise the OP would say 'they have cut every single person who has a child out of their lives'. I'm sure a little digging would find them friends with someone who has a child.

I found finding my bil wa expecting a baby surprisingly difficult. I love my friends' children, and rationally i had no reason to find it harder, but nevertheless i did.

Fwiw, i don't think the children is the whole issue.

I do think op has absolute right and readon to be sad, but i also agree her outlook is, also understandably, focused around herself...it might simply be that they find hard to take.....who knows, It might be they find something in the relationship stressful and are stepping back c
Short term to reduce stress in their live possibly related to their own effort to conceive.

to some degree it doesn't matter what their reason is. Op finding a wy forward for her does matter, and she is likely in the shortterm to have to do tha without them.

lostinrates

nickyhutch wrote: »

To support his wife? You know, the woman he loves, the woman he chose, the woman he married, the woman he has children with?

Equally, she should support him, trapped between a rock and a hard place, two people, or sets of people he loves.

My dh seeing his family doesn't make his love for me less. My being fixated on it might do though!

bright_side

"I know more than any due to losing people that life is too short to miss out"

I find this a really strange thing to say. It's like saying that your pain is more severe than ANYONE elses. As someone who has also suffered many losses I would never compare my pain to anyone elses, there's always someone who has been through more and worse. The same with infertility, you can never assume that noone suffered worse than you, because pain and grief are personal to the individual. Just because you have been through it that doesn't mean that anyone should want or need your support. I think perhaps there is more to this and if it concerns you so much then the obvious thing to do is to come right out and ask THEM. Either that or just let it go and concentrate on the people that do want to be part of yours and your sons life.

nickyhutch

lostinrates wrote: »

Equally, she should support him, trapped between a rock and a hard place, two people, or sets of people he loves.

My dh seeing his family doesn't make his love for me less. My being fixated on it might do though!

He shouldn't want to see his brother if his brother (seemingly) doesn't want to see his wife with no reasonable explanation. OP's husband should present with "it's both of us or none of us" if it's upsetting his wife.

lostinrates

nickyhutch wrote: »

He shouldn't want to see his brother if his brother (seemingly) doesn't want to see his wife with no reasonable explanation. OP's husband should present with "it's both of us or none of us" if it's upsetting his wife.

We don't know this. We only know op knows no reason. It might be op's husband can see his siblings pov and IS of the opinion that something in the situation makes this the best measure atm. If that is the case then there is certainly a pretty dreadful communication problem, but again, we don't know whether it is the case!

The attitude you have is certianly, as i have said, the one dh first took, and imo though understandable for us at the time, was, in retrospect not the reaction i wish he, or we, had had or followed. It might be op's husband is wiser than we were in the similar situation!

FamilyFeuds

karen23 wrote: »

"I know more than any due to losing people that life is too short to miss out"

I find this a really strange thing to say. It's like saying that your pain is more severe than ANYONE elses. As someone who has also suffered many losses I would never compare my pain to anyone elses, there's always someone who has been through more and worse. The same with infertility, you can never assume that noone suffered worse than you, because pain and grief are personal to the individual. Just because you have been through it that doesn't mean that anyone should want or need your support. I think perhaps there is more to this and if it concerns you so much then the obvious thing to do is to come right out and ask THEM. Either that or just let it go and concentrate on the people that do want to be part of yours and your sons life.

"more than any" was not the best way of putting it. Of course I don't think others haven't experienced heartache. I guess what I mean is life is so short. Losing my dad made me realise that you should never let things slip by. I guess my family have always been close and I would like that for my extended family as well