Family Issue causing upset

lostinrates

red_devil wrote: »

yes i realise you have had a problem. I guess i am talking about where people are rejected for no good reason really or they cant be bothered with family. I also think a couple should put on a united front and show they are a team? The other couple are sticking together?

If my family didnt want to see my partner i wouldnt see them because as far as im concerned if they cared about my happiness they wouldnt make life awkward for me. My partner who is there for me and gives me daily happiness would come first. No question.

I think there is usually a reason for such a rejection, just that it is not communicated for one reason or another.....which is the right of the person who with drawers. It might well be hurtful and confusing for the other party, but so might a discussion about the situation for both parties. No KNOWN reason is not the same as no reason.

My dh did stop speaking to his siblings for a while, and it was very damaging, i think it broke bonds in a way that will never be fully repaired, though, i do think those bonds needed to be loosened somewhat for adult relationships. Dh and i can be different yet united! We might vote differently too! I feel, personally, a new stronger, more adult attitude developed in me when i said i thought he shpuld build bridges without me involved. ( he had previously demanded we were accepte on our terms, which in retrospect was rather childish of us, people have the right to be hurt, upset, and to dislike me! ).

Its also fair to admit this has, in our opinion had profound impact on both his diblings. One positively, one less so. But then, so did their behaviour impact on us!

I am sure if truely able to be empathetic w would all be horrified at the unknow reasons eah had for their reactions about certain things

FatVonD

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

It is the fact that they seem to want to have no relationship with their little nephew or me despite us having not done anything to them.

Caroline73 hit the nail on the head, they have fertility problems, you are pregnant and already have a child. Maybe they just can't bear to see your family pics or posts about your children.

When I was having fertility treatment I worked with someone else also TTC, despite knowing that I was pregnant via IVF (she was the only one I'd told as she too was having problems) she couldn't bring herself to talk to or look at me until the day I left for maternity leave.

You are the fortunate one so let them deal with it whatever way they wish.

mishkanorman

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

How was it tactless if she didn't expect the person who was hurt by it to see it?

To be fair Gracie, my husband will have seen it, my sister in law, all other friends and family will have seen it.

I only saw it when I was logging into facebook and my husband was already logged in so had to log him out first.[/QUOTE]


I think you need to let it go, your husband has been told why they dont want to see your son and quite frankly if whatever they are going through is so bad that they cant even face being in a room with a child they deserve to call the shots !

Im surprised someone who has had fertility problems cant see that 'supporting' someone through something is most definately not forcing them to spend time with the one thing they cant have.

if your parents in law dont seem to find anything wrong in their behaviour, your husband is going along with their wishes and you are the only one being snubbed perhaps its time you look at yourself for the answer.

Put some faith in your husband that he is already standing by you by making this compromise,

newcook

red_devil wrote: »

people have to learn to cope with things they cant have its life. It dosent mean they have to cut people off does it?

people deal with things differently - OP has already said how low she was when she was having fertility problems so it strikes me as odd that she doesnt seem to get why SIL is distancing themselves.

while I havent had kids myself yet, I know I would find it very hard to be around pregnant friends if I had problems conceiving.

belfastgirl23

OP I think you are absolutely right to feel upset about this. I think your BIL and SIL are behaving badly in this situation and your husband is enabling this behaviour. I understand that seeing you might be painful but for the sake of the family they should be prepared to take it on the chin and at least do a courtesy birthday and christmas visit. And TBH I know there's a lot of posting here about how painful childlessness is and I do get that, but we all have to do things in our family that are incredibly painful and difficult sometimes. I would understand them not popping round every week but not once in fourteen months is really pushing it.

That said, behaving in this way is their choice. And you have your own choices to make. In your shoes, I would not want to make DH choose between you and his brother, because I would want to be the bigger and better person. But I would make sure that he knew that I was being the bigger person and that this behaviour was hurtful.

Of course the very sad thing is that your children offer them a chance to have children in their life which they are obviously missing. And by the time they realise this it will be too late for them to repair it. You have to see that long term the only people they are going to damage are themselves.

Please don't take it personally though, they are behaving very badly and you should be proud of yourself for being the stronger and better person. Maybe sometime in years to come they will see it too.

FamilyFeuds

I wanted to respond to some of the posters but I do understand the issues. I don't want to support them by forcing them to spend time with the little one. I am happy to just chat but just ignoring me whilst being friendly and funny with my husband is hurtful. Also my husband would have wanted to see his nephew even if I would have found it hard.

I lost my dad after such a traumatic time and far earlier than I should have done. There are many hard times for me, father's day etc. I am not snubbing anyone cause they still have their dad around.

Yes we are lucky to have our little one but we never forget those years we went through all that heartache. I understand how horrific it is but these things they are doing is causing hurt to all the family.

It is not that I don't understand. It is the fact that they are choosing to be friendly and funny with my husband and everyone else and then posting the comment as mentioned.

FatVonD

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

It is not that I don't understand. It is the fact that they are choosing to be friendly and funny with my husband and everyone else and then posting the comment as mentioned.

They had defriended you, they had no idea you would even see it and it probably wasn't referencing you in the first place!

POPPYOSCAR

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

OP I think you are absolutely right to feel upset about this. I think your BIL and SIL are behaving badly in this situation and your husband is enabling this behaviour. I understand that seeing you might be painful but for the sake of the family they should be prepared to take it on the chin and at least do a courtesy birthday and christmas visit. And TBH I know there's a lot of posting here about how painful childlessness is and I do get that, but we all have to do things in our family that are incredibly painful and difficult sometimes. I would understand them not popping round every week but not once in fourteen months is really pushing it.

That said, behaving in this way is their choice. And you have your own choices to make. In your shoes, I would not want to make DH choose between you and his brother, because I would want to be the bigger and better person. But I would make sure that he knew that I was being the bigger person and that this behaviour was hurtful.

Of course the very sad thing is that your children offer them a chance to have children in their life which they are obviously missing. And by the time they realise this it will be too late for them to repair it. You have to see that long term the only people they are going to damage are themselves.

Please don't take it personally though, they are behaving very badly and you should be proud of yourself for being the stronger and better person. Maybe sometime in years to come they will see it too.

Very good post.

Whilst I can understand the pain they must be feeling having difficulty conceiving themselves, to completely cut the OP and their nephew out is very selfish and cruel IMO.

Sambucus_Nigra

newcook wrote: »

people deal with things differently - OP has already said how low she was when she was having fertility problems so it strikes me as odd that she doesnt seem to get why SIL is distancing themselves.

while I havent had kids myself yet, I know I would find it very hard to be around pregnant friends if I had problems conceiving.

And yet they are fine about socialising with the father of the child, just not the child or the mother. If they really had issues, then surely they wouldn't be able to bring themselves to speak to the OP's husband either. Selective issues, by the looks of it.

mishkanorman

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

I wanted to respond to some of the posters but I do understand the issues. I don't want to support them by forcing them to spend time with the little one. I am happy to just chat but just ignoring me whilst being friendly and funny with my husband is hurtful. Also my husband would have wanted to see his nephew even if I would have found it hard.

I lost my dad after such a traumatic time and far earlier than I should have done. There are many hard times for me, father's day etc. I am not snubbing anyone cause they still have their dad around.

Yes we are lucky to have our little one but we never forget those years we went through all that heartache. I understand how horrific it is but these things they are doing is causing hurt to all the family.

It is not that I don't understand. It is the fact that they are choosing to be friendly and funny with my husband and everyone else and then posting the comment as mentioned.

Is it causing hurt to all the family though or just you ? I cant see that you've posted anywhere that says your husbands side of the family are all offended by this.

Also the comment didnt say "thank god she is out of our lives" though did it ? It was her taking the time to appreciate those who are standing by them in the way they need.


Sambucus Nigra

The OP is pregnant and im guessing her husband is not so I would guess thats why ~!

I read that it was just the brothers going out not the SIL too ??