Family Issue causing upset

FamilyFeuds

dizziblonde wrote: »

So basically you're cheesed off because they're not running around in rapture at your little one? That's the gist of it really.

Hate to break it to you but it's their choice - for whatever reason, and if you're going on on faceache like you are on here, I can understand why they're doing it to be honest - they've got problems dealing with little ones in general, or you in person (two sides to every story and all that) and they've withdrawn away from you since the baby's arrived. Now you can yell, scream, try all the emotional hystrionics in the world - or you can deal with it.

I've been there, I've defriended people quietly because I couldn't deal with a facebook feed of a million and one baby photos, scan photos and what-nots... and I'd do it again if I was in that situationa gain, and I'd understand anyone else who needed to do it to me... because it blooming hurts, and if you're struggling to deal with things anyway - then you've got to preserve your own sanity and wellbeing however you can. For a long time I needed to withdraw into situations I could control (and for me it pretty much did hit the point of not going out of the house much at all) in order to not make myself much iller than I was.

No one's under any obligation to HAVE to friend anyone on faceache or whatever. Give them some space and time - or alternatively cause a massive family ruckkus about it.

Yes, I struggled to deal with things for over two years whilst going through losing my dad, fertility issues and miscarriages. Struggled to get through work, withdrew from the world and tried to keep going. I do not go overboard with things on facebook at all. I am not expecting them to run around in rapture over our little one, but would just like for them to not snub us whilst still being fine with my husband.

tinktinktinkerbell

elvis86 wrote: »

Perhaps not, but I'd say that the OP's husband has an obligation to his wife and child, to not stand by and allow his family to snub them and make them feel like they're not part of the family.

the thing is though you cant make someone accept someone else as part of the family if the do not want to

lostinrates

elvis86 wrote: »

Agree 100%.

It may be "their choice" not to be friends with the OP, but she has a right to expect her husband to support her rather than just continuing to have a cordial relationship with them and allowing them to snub her like this.



Wrongly. 100%!

I've seen this kind of thing posted many times now, and I have to say that experiencing fertility problems, whilst difficult, does not give people carte blanche to go around treating other people badly.

What do childless couples expect? For everyone else to keep their children in darkened rooms, lest they upset someone who is struggling to conceive? It's life, we sometimes can't have what we want and what others have.

If it's difficult for the OP's BIL and SIL to be around the OP's child, or the pregnant OP, and if Facebook updates about their family upset them, why didn't they just explain that?

Personally I'm not sure that this is the reason. But I am sure that I wouldn't allow my OH to stand by and allow them to treat me like this. He needs to man up and ask his brother what his problem is, and explain that he won't allow his wife to be treated like this.

I am a 'snubbing' sister in law. I do not maintain a relationship with my in laws, who are perfectly nice people btw, but i actively encourage my dh to.

Dh's siblings had some issues going on when i was ipnew in their brother's life, and some pretty unpleasant though not grevious thongs happened.

Dh's family realtionships are strong and important to him, and that is something i love about him. I see no need myself however, to maintain relationships that become passive aggressive. I wish them well, but i leep my life to myself.


Coincidentally, my bil has announced just recently he and his girlfriend are having a baby. I am delighted for them and for the family, a new baby is always a joy, but though i cope with my own infertility rather well i hope, i would find it hard to be involved in group blow by blow accounts of things, not least the implied dissappointment in dh's and my ability to produce a son and heir, which has been gently made in the past few years.

I have today sent a gift to bil's girlfriend and an enthusiastic card from dh and i congratulating them, and i look forward to sending a baby gift too, but i do not look forward to meet ups en famille where its said so many times 'what a great shame it is' dh and i haven't and 'what exactly' are the reasons for that.

I do hope dh is an active and supportive uncle to his new nephew or niece, and i enjoy other people.s babies. In fat, ots isually adults that creat discomfort for me, not children. I like children! Still doesn't mean i will be joining facebook to chat babies with my in laws.

red_devil

NAR wrote: »

I think there are many terrible things going on in the world and you being snubbed, on Facebook of all things, by an in-law ranks . . . . . . .where?

Thats really uncalled for. Its important to the poster ad they are asking for advice. I understand where you are coming from. There are some really selfish and self centred people around who have no concept of the word family. There is no one to hurt you like family.

I dont understand people who dont want to bother arent they worried one day they might get a call to say the family member they didnt care about isnt alive or is very unwell. How are they going to feel and they may have to live a life of regret? If only i had bothered. If only I had done more. If anyone knows the answer please tell me. Its a dangerous road to go down in my opinion.

The best thing you can do op is try and get on with life and not let it get you down at the end of the day they may get some strange satisfaction from knowing it bothers you? See it as their loss. Dont give them the satisfaction of letting them know it bothers you.

FamilyFeuds

GracieP wrote: »

Because it should be blatantly obvious to anyone with an ounce of empathy. I mean come on, you wouldn't post about how awesomely happy and loved up you are in your marriage to someone who has just been tragically widowed would you? You'd have to be a bloody psychopath. Well it's not that different to someone who's struggling through infertility to have to see constant reminders of other people's babies. I have seen the absolute destruction it has caused in the lives of a number of my friends and family members. Yes life goes on and nobody expects it not to but people who are in pain are allowed to protect themselves as much as possible and people who are not in pain, quite frankly, need to realise that if someone needs to back away from them for a while it's not personal.

Infertility is absolute hell. It's like the worst type of grief as there is no closure as long as you keep trying. It's a raw, open wound for years and years. It's also a process which involves people, especially women, taking a multitude of fertility drugs that absolutely screw with their heads and emotions. In fact most people dealing with long term infertility feel suicidal at some point. Just getting through the day can be an epic struggle and on days you achieve balance seeing people posting their happy pregnancy/baby updates can destroy any calm you have achieved.

As a result of what I've seen my friends go through, (and while I haven't dealt with infertility I have lost a baby and immediately afterwards had my husband go through a near fatal illness for several years, so I know what it's like to be unable to have the family you crave) I have no intention of posting a word about my pregnancy on facebook and when the baby is born I'll be keeping the posts to a minimum. I also know some people will be pausing our friendships for the next year or two because I know my pregnancy and baby will cause them pain. It's not a nice feeling, I'll miss my friends but I certainly won't be getting sanctimonious from my position of privilege and wanting them to suck up their feelings and be happy for me. I'll just back off and hope that one day they will have the same happiness or that if that can't happen they eventually find peace and acceptance.

I just wanted to add that the years of infertility we struggled with tested everything. Some days I just didn't want to get out of bed, it pushed our relationship to the edge and suicidal thoughts entered my head on more than one occasion. We were dealing with all of this whilst struggling with losing my dear dad at the same time.
I haven't just forgotten about all the years of heartache now our little one is here. I don't push it in people's faces and would love to support them going through this as I know how heart-breaking it truly is.

LittleMissAspie

Just because you are related doesn't mean they have to like you.

elvis86

GracieP wrote: »

Because it should be blatantly obvious to anyone with an ounce of empathy. I mean come on, you wouldn't post about how awesomely happy and loved up you are in your marriage to someone who has just been tragically widowed would you? You'd have to be a bloody psychopath. Well it's not that different to someone who's struggling through infertility to have to see constant reminders of other people's babies. I have seen the absolute destruction it has caused in the lives of a number of my friends and family members. Yes life goes on and nobody expects it not to but people who are in pain are allowed to protect themselves as much as possible and people who are not in pain, quite frankly, need to realise that if someone needs to back away from them for a while it's not personal.

But it sounds like the OP's in-laws have made it very personal. They've deleted her from Facebook and want nothing to do with her and her child, whilst maintaining contact with her husband.

Their fertility problems don't give them the right to treat other people like that. It would have taken very little effort to confide in the OP that regretfully it was difficult for them to spend time with.

If the only way that someone with fertility problems can cope is to completely cut children and anyone with children out of their lives, perhaps they need to consider how they will deal with the stresses of having a family.

I can understand these people giving family days out and sports day a wide berth, but I don't think they should expect to be able to completely cut people out of their lives for no reason other than the fact that they have children.

GracieP wrote: »

Infertility is absolute hell. It's like the worst type of grief as there is no closure as long as you keep trying. It's a raw, open wound for years and years. It's also a process which involves people, especially women, taking a multitude of fertility drugs that absolutely screw with their heads and emotions. In fact most people dealing with long term infertility feel suicidal at some point. Just getting through the day can be an epic struggle and on days you achieve balance seeing people posting their happy pregnancy/baby updates can destroy any calm you have achieved.

In that case, they should consider removing themselves from Facebook. People post all sorts on there, and it's not tailored to a specific audience. If you know that such posts will upset you, don't use it.

FWIW, the OP's SIL posted a gushing post about the "special people in her life", a day after defriending the OP, this was a pretty tactless and hurtful thing for someone who is hypersensitive to other people's posts to do.:cool:

FamilyFeuds

Just to respond to a couple of points. We haven't really had an fallouts with them. They have always been a little bit strange and it has been about them all the time.
A while back my husband did say to his brother that he had a nephew that would love to meet him and his brother said it was too hard. I know this means the fertility issues but I have been there and would like to support them. I thought my brother in law would have made the effort even if his wife couldn't. I know that my husband would have done it even if I didn't feel up to it.
Also how long is this going to go on? We haven't met up for so long and I really hoped that having a nephew would change things. I know more than any due to losing people that life is too short to miss out.
I think a lot of the comments on here are probably right and I should just move on but I think that my husband does need to understand things. I just feel that our little one and me are being snubbed in this.
Also the comment she posted after deleting me about how many fantastic people she has in her life and how she values them really hurt.
They seem to have a great time, always out and doing stuff and posting jokes on facebook and sharing things with my husband.
I also don't want to listen to his parents talk about them as if there is nothing wrong. All of his family just seem to avoid things whereas my family are close and always let each other know stuff right or wrong.

red_devil

LittleMissAspie wrote: »

Just because you are related doesn't mean they have to like you.

Its hurtful and cruel to cut people off though without giving a valid reason though. Family can be good to have on board. Like i say what happens if something happens to the person you have snubbed you may regret it.

elvis86

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

the thing is though you cant make someone accept someone else as part of the family if the do not want to

Maybe not, but you can damn well expect your husband to back you up, rather than watching his family ignore the existence of you and his child, whilst he carries on socialising with them!

It's absolutely unacceptable. The OP and their child are his family, and he should be putting them before anyone else.