Family Issue causing upset

lostinrates

elvis86 wrote: »

Even if they took a "dislike" to you for absolutely no reason? I obviously expect more of my OH than you do of your's.

I get on brilliantly with my in-laws as does my OH, but if my parents or my sister suddenly decided that they wanted to pretend he didn't exist, I wouldn't stand by and allow it to go unchallenged. I would expect the same from him.

My guess is thete is a reason that op and probably her dh are not aware of. Its ok though, we cannot be universally likable.

Imo the person in the most difficult situation here is op's dh, and it will reflect well longterm on op that she supports his ongong relationship with family.

red_devil

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

i can answer that

its simple really, i wouldnt care

ive cut those people out of my life for a reason, if something happened to them i would not regret cutting them out

I can maybe understand that if people have done something bad to you but it seems to me that so many people !rent bothering with their families for reasons that arent very good. Not being bothered is not a good enough reason for me really. I guess this is what I dont understand. I feel people may not regretting getting together and being friendly while they can. Its easy to take people for granted but they may not always be here. Life is fragile.

elvis86

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

why is it up to him to do anything? if someone takes a disliking to me i am adult enough to sort it out myself, i do not need to hide behind my OH

It's simply not on for the OH to continue socialising with his brother and SIL whilst they upset his wife by snubbing her and their child, apparently for no reason, and for him not to question that.

tinktinktinkerbell

elvis86 wrote: »

It's simply not on for the OH to continue socialising with his brother and SIL whilst they upset his wife by snubbing her and their child, apparently for no reason, and for him not to question that.

he can socialise with who he likes, his wife has no right to tell him otherwise

although i do agree he should ask them what the hells going on

GracieP

the_cat wrote: »

Unfortunately in this case, supporting them involves trying to understand that their way of dealing with it is different to yours. Allowing them to take a backseat with you and your kids and maintaining their relationship with your OH. It's sad but if that is the only way your OH can still see his brother, then that is the most supportive thing you can do, both for him and for BIL/SIL

Great post.:T

OP the_cat has hit the nail on the head here. You want to support them and you probably want to support them in a way that you would have liked someone to support you when you went through this issue. However they are not you and the way they want to deal with this is clearly different. When you support someone you have to give them the support they need, not the support you wish to give. So allow them to back off, give them the space they so obviously crave, don't hold it against them, encourage your husband to maintain the relationship he has with his brother and if they ever get past their pain, either by having their own child or by accepting their childlessness, then open your arms up and don't hold a grudge. And that's the best support you could give them.

lostinrates

red_devil wrote: »

I can maybe understand that if people have done something bad to you but it seems to me that so many people !rent bothering with their families for reasons that arent very good. Not being bothered is not a good enough reason for me really. I guess this is what I dont understand. I feel people may not regretting getting together and being friendly while they can. Its easy to take people for granted but they may not always be here. Life is fragile.

I don't think rehashing what i feel dh's family did to me and what they think i did to them is particularly helpful to our ling term relations staying cool and calm. To put it briefly, they didn't want us to get married ...dh was the first to leave home and put a relationship outside their nuclear family first, it was very difficult for them i recognise that, and i am reasonably proud of my failure to rise to some provocation, though i am i admit over sensitive to some things that said and happened.

Imo its better for dh to have a guilt free unconflicted relationship with them, than to worry all the time that my feelings will be hurt, or his siblings will get jealous or his father waspish or hurt my reaction or any such complications of slightly defensive relationship of necessity.

Tbf to myself, i gave my inlaws several chances, before decideing i needed to put my emotions at what was a difficult time for me (hea
Th, fertility, career' lifechanges.)

In my dreams it would be. Nice to have the kind of relationship i would love to have with my inlaws...loving supportive, full of laughter, but we do not. Better not to have a relationship that is defensive or passive aggressive, and we all love dh, and he loves all of us, why make it harder for him?

FamilyFeuds

How was it tactless if she didn't expect the person who was hurt by it to see it?[/QUOTE]

To be fair Gracie, my husband will have seen it, my sister in law, all other friends and family will have seen it.

I only saw it when I was logging into facebook and my husband was already logged in so had to log him out first.

red_devil

lostinrates wrote: »

I don't think rehashing what i feel dh's family did to me and what they think i did to them is particularly helpful to our ling term relations staying cool and calm. To put it briefly, they didn't want us to get married ...dh was the first to leave home and put a relationship outside their nuclear family first, it was very difficult for them i recognise that, and i am reasonably proud of my failure to rise to some provocation, though i am i admit over sensitive to some things that said and happened.

Imo its better for dh to have a guilt free unconflicted relationship with them, than to worry all the time that my feelings will be hurt, or his siblings will get jealous or his father waspish or hurt my reaction or any such complications of slightly defensive relationship of necessity.

Tbf to myself, i gave my inlaws several chances, before decideing i needed to put my emotions at what was a difficult time for me (hea
Th, fertility, career' lifechanges.)

In my dreams it would be. Nice to have the kind of relationship i would love to have with my inlaws...loving supportive, full of laughter, but we do not. Better not to have a relationship that is defensive or passive aggressive, and we all love dh, and he loves all of us, why make it harder for him?

yes i realise you have had a problem. I guess i am talking about where people are rejected for no good reason really or they cant be bothered with family. I also think a couple should put on a united front and show they are a team? The other couple are sticking together?

If my family didnt want to see my partner i wouldnt see them because as far as im concerned if they cared about my happiness they wouldnt make life awkward for me. My partner who is there for me and gives me daily happiness would come first. No question.

newcook

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

I just wanted to add that the years of infertility we struggled with tested everything. Some days I just didn't want to get out of bed, it pushed our relationship to the edge and suicidal thoughts entered my head on more than one occasion. We were dealing with all of this whilst struggling with losing my dear dad at the same time.
I haven't just forgotten about all the years of heartache now our little one is here. I don't push it in people's faces and would love to support them going through this as I know how heart-breaking it truly is.

Ok, so you have been where your SIL is so try and think back to how horrible it felt - now throw in the thought that a family member is pregnant. Not only that but the family member goes on to have another baby not long after.

They now have the only thing in the world that you want – twice.

Would you want to go and socialize and have a pretend smile on your face? Would you want to play with the toddler wishing that it was your child you were playing with? Would you want to be reading on facebook things such as ‘baby thinks my bladder is a pillow, lol’ or ‘just felt first kick – wow!’ knowing that you would give anything to know what that feels like?

I didn’t think so.


Please have a heart and support your hubby seeing his brother and SIL – im sure that when they do get pregnant that she will be asking for advice and because you are a nice, supporting person you will be there for her.

red_devil

newcook wrote: »

Ok, so you have been where your SIL is so try and think back to how horrible it felt - now throw in the thought that a family member is pregnant. Not only that but the family member goes on to have another baby not long after.

They now have the only thing in the world that you want – twice.

Would you want to go and socialize and have a pretend smile on your face? Would you want to play with the toddler wishing that it was your child you were playing with? Would you want to be reading on facebook things such as ‘baby thinks my bladder is a pillow, lol’ or ‘just felt first kick – wow!’ knowing that you would give anything to know what that feels like?

I didn’t think so.


Please have a heart and support your hubby seeing his brother and SIL – im sure that when they do get pregnant that she will be asking for advice and because you are a nice, supporting person you will be there for her.

people have to learn to cope with things they cant have its life. It dosent mean they have to cut people off does it?