Family Issue causing upset

the_cat

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

A while back my husband did say to his brother that he had a nephew that would love to meet him and his brother said it was too hard. I know this means the fertility issues but I have been there and would like to support them.

Unfortunately in this case, supporting them involves trying to understand that their way of dealing with it is different to yours. Allowing them to take a backseat with you and your kids and maintaining their relationship with your OH. It's sad but if that is the only way your OH can still see his brother, then that is the most supportive thing you can do, both for him and for BIL/SIL

tanith

You have your own close family members I'd concentrate on those people who like and support you. They obviously don't want or need you in their lives as hurtful as that is there is nothing you can do about it. You are letting them spoil things for you and your family , don't let them.. you can be polite if you come together and just show you don't care if they choose to not 'be friends'. I think your husband is wrong not to at least confront the issue but if he doesn't want to jeopardise his relationship with his brother thats understandable... put it on the back burner and get on and enjoy your life..

tinktinktinkerbell

elvis86 wrote: »

Maybe not, but you can damn well expect your husband to back you up, rather than watching his family ignore the existence of you and his child, whilst he carries on socialising with them!

It's absolutely unacceptable. The OP and their child are his family, and he should be putting them before anyone else.

i kinda disagree with that

i would not stand in the way if OHs family didnt like me, i would never expect him to choose, i think that is unfair

they were in his life before OP and they will be in his life if OP leaves

GracieP

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

I just wanted to add that the years of infertility we struggled with tested everything. Some days I just didn't want to get out of bed, it pushed our relationship to the edge and suicidal thoughts entered my head on more than one occasion. We were dealing with all of this whilst struggling with losing my dear dad at the same time.
I haven't just forgotten about all the years of heartache now our little one is here. I don't push it in people's faces and would love to support them going through this as I know how heart-breaking it truly is.

I'm sorry if I suggested you were being insensitive, I was more annoyed by some remarks other posters made. It's just that it does seem like the most obvious reason for this 'feud' is that your SIL can't cope with your toddler and baby. I'm sure you would support her if she let you but perhaps her instincts are more to deal with this in a different way. A lot of people feel ashamed of their fertility problems, both by the problems themselves and also they feel shame at not being able to be truly happy for those they care about. Often the last thing they want is sympathy or pity and prefer to not share their problems with anyone they know.

Maybe your husband could broach this with his brother next time they are alone together (depending on how easy it is for them both to share their emotions, as some people, especially men, find it very difficult). At least then you can either know that this is definitely the problem and let it stop upsetting you or rule it out and know that it isn't.

System

It's absolutely unacceptable. The OP and their child are his family, and he should be putting them before anyone else.

and he should be putting their feelings before everyone elses too. I think its shameful that the OP has been shunned like that.

lostinrates

red_devil wrote: »

I dont understand people who dont want to bother arent they worried one day they might get a call to say the family member they didnt care about isnt alive or is very unwell. How are they going to feel and they may have to live a life of regret? If only i had bothered. If only I had done more. If anyone knows the answer please tell me. Its a dangerous road to go down in my opinion.

i can tell you how i would feel.

I will be very sad for dh and his family when something happens (i say when, because someday something will, sadly). I will personaLly be glad there was no long term ill between us created by trying to get oil and water to mix, by snide comments being taken too personally, (fault exists on both sides )

I will politely aid how i bet can from a distance and hold the for here while dh goes to help close up. I will not feel responsible, guilty, and i will feel very sad.

I keep a distance from dh's family i do not hate them.

tinktinktinkerbell

red_devil wrote: »

I dont understand people who dont want to bother arent they worried one day they might get a call to say the family member they didnt care about isnt alive or is very unwell. How are they going to feel and they may have to live a life of regret? If only i had bothered. If only I had done more. If anyone knows the answer please tell me. Its a dangerous road to go down in my opinion.

i can answer that

its simple really, i wouldnt care

ive cut those people out of my life for a reason, if something happened to them i would not regret cutting them out

elvis86

tinktinktinkerbell wrote: »

i kinda disagree with that

i would not stand in the way if OHs family didnt like me, i would never expect him to choose, i think that is unfair

they were in his life before OP and they will be in his life if OP leaves

Even if they took a "dislike" to you for absolutely no reason? I obviously expect more of my OH than you do of your's.

I get on brilliantly with my in-laws as does my OH, but if my parents or my sister suddenly decided that they wanted to pretend he didn't exist, I wouldn't stand by and allow it to go unchallenged. I would expect the same from him.

tinktinktinkerbell

elvis86 wrote: »

Even if they took a "dislike" to you for absolutely no reason? I obviously expect more of my OH than you do of your's.

I get on brilliantly with my in-laws as does my OH, but if my parents or my sister suddenly decided that they wanted to pretend he didn't exist, I wouldn't stand by and allow it to go unchallenged. I would expect the same from him.

why is it up to him to do anything? if someone takes a disliking to me i am adult enough to sort it out myself, i do not need to hide behind my OH

GracieP

elvis86 wrote: »

Their fertility problems don't give them the right to treat other people like that. It would have taken very little effort to confide in the OP that regretfully it was difficult for them to spend time with.

They aren't treating anyone like anything. They are keeping their distance from a painful situation, while the brother maintains a relationship with his brother. The OP has updated the story now. The brother has actually said that it is too hard for them to be involved with his family and see his nephew.

elvis86 wrote: »

If the only way that someone with fertility problems can cope is to completely cut children and anyone with children out of their lives, perhaps they need to consider how they will deal with the stresses of having a family.

That's actually the most disgustingly ignorant statement I have read on this forum.

I can understand these people giving family days out and sports day a wide berth, but I don't think they should expect to be able to completely cut people out of their lives for no reason other than the fact that they have children.

Umm no. People can actually expect to have cut anyone at all out of their life for no reason at all.

In that case, they should consider removing themselves from Facebook. People post all sorts on there, and it's not tailored to a specific audience. If you know that such posts will upset you, don't use it.

Again no, they can just remove the people they don't want to see while still maintaining contact with the people who the do want to see. Why would you remove everyone from a social tool just because a small percentage of the people on it upset you? That would be ridiculous.

FWIW, the OP's SIL posted a gushing post about the "special people in her life", a day after defriending the OP, this was a pretty tactless and hurtful thing for someone who is hypersensitive to other people's posts to do.:cool:

How was it tactless if she didn't expect the person who was hurt by it to see it?