Family Issue causing upset

FamilyFeuds

NAR wrote: »

I think there are many terrible things going on in the world and you being snubbed, on Facebook of all things, by an in-law ranks . . . . . . .where?

I am more than aware that there are "many terrible things going on in the world". When you have watched your own dad, the once strong man who means everything to you deterioriate before your very eyes and then pass away well before his time, when you have struggled to conceive for years, only to lose that longed for baby, I think I understand there are far worse things.

The issue is deeper than the meer snubbing on facebook. It is the fact that they seem to want to have no relationship with their little nephew or me despite us having not done anything to them.

bluenoseam

They're in laws, they don't have to like the family or be all that bothered about meet ups etc - personally while i actually like my brother in law & love my niece & nephews, i don't feel the need to see them all that often. They know i love them but they also know that Unkie Allan generally prefers it if he is left alone - i'm not the touchy feely type, it bugs me slightly when they expect me to be the guy who they see all the time. I know i'm slightly more on the bizzare side of things in so much as i don't need that sort of contact, but ultimately it's the way i'm wired & everyone of a certain age in my family knows that and doesn't bother. They know that if they phoned and asked to see me chances are i'd go - but ultimately i wouldn't initiate it and if they expected it regularly i'd read the riot act & remind them about my personality!

As for removing you on FB - please, i removed my own sister, refuse to accept my Mum on FB and such like, there have to be places where you can go and have peace from people! I like the fact the only member of my direct family on my FB list is my nephew, who doesn't bother when he sees me writing that X member of the family is a pain in the backside. Infact when i wrote that my sister was doing my box in recently (his Mum) he went & told her and when she kicked off he said "well, he does kinda have a point!" - she said we were probably right. She understands that i need my private space (besides, i once had to answer 50 questions as to which of my friends list i fancied) and respects that online is that place.

tea_lover

NAR wrote: »

I think there are many terrible things going on in the world and you being snubbed, on Facebook of all things, by an in-law ranks . . . . . . .where?

There's far worse things happening than 99.9% of the posts on here but that doesn't stop these things being an issue. Should we only post if we're affected by genocide or something?

OP - it may be that they are jealous. As you've said, struggling to conceive is not something that leaves you unaffected. Maybe they just can't cope with your family right now, as it reminds them too much of what they don't have.

Or maybe they're just nasty people and you're far better off without them.

poorly_scammo

Aside from FB (because as nickyhutch has said, their online antics are only part of this), I'd be livid that my partner had not found out the reasons for their behaviour and still continues to socialise with them. That is, unless he doesn't know how upset you are and/or he already knows the reasons for their behaviour but won't tell you and/or as Caroline_a has said, it is because they cannot conceive and he is family but you're not so they feel able to distance themselves from you but not from him as he is a blood relative.

He should be on your side on this and I get the impression from your post that he isn't.

WhiteHorse

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

They have never met their nephew and have never shown any interest which upsets us.

Liking you isn't compulsory. You can't force yourself on them either.

That said, there seems to be an element of malice, so the question is, would you really want to have anything to do with people like that anyway?

elvis86

nickyhutch wrote: »

It's not only on Facebook, is it? I think what probably rankles most is that husband still maintains a relationship but doesn't seem assed that it upsets his wife that BIL and SIL don't seem to want to know her.

If it were me, I'd be making sure husband talked to them, whether it stresses him or not, and if he flatly refused, I'd be popping round myself for a chat to see what I'd done wrong.

Agree 100%.

It may be "their choice" not to be friends with the OP, but she has a right to expect her husband to support her rather than just continuing to have a cordial relationship with them and allowing them to snub her like this.

Caroline73 wrote: »

They are struggling to conceive, you have a 14 month old and are pregnant again.

You are a reminder of what they haven't got.

Rightly or wrongly, its probably why they unfriended you on FB.

Wrongly. 100%!

I've seen this kind of thing posted many times now, and I have to say that experiencing fertility problems, whilst difficult, does not give people carte blanche to go around treating other people badly.

What do childless couples expect? For everyone else to keep their children in darkened rooms, lest they upset someone who is struggling to conceive? It's life, we sometimes can't have what we want and what others have.

If it's difficult for the OP's BIL and SIL to be around the OP's child, or the pregnant OP, and if Facebook updates about their family upset them, why didn't they just explain that?

Personally I'm not sure that this is the reason. But I am sure that I wouldn't allow my OH to stand by and allow them to treat me like this. He needs to man up and ask his brother what his problem is, and explain that he won't allow his wife to be treated like this.

Noctu

FamilyFeuds wrote: »

... They are both friends (and family relations) with my husband and exchange messages with him. ... I have talked to my husband about this in the past and also his parents are aware but everyone just lets things go on.

What did your husband and his parents say when you've mentioned it in the past? Have they ever asked your BIL/SIL about it?

dizziblonde

So basically you're cheesed off because they're not running around in rapture at your little one? That's the gist of it really.

Hate to break it to you but it's their choice - for whatever reason, and if you're going on on faceache like you are on here, I can understand why they're doing it to be honest - they've got problems dealing with little ones in general, or you in person (two sides to every story and all that) and they've withdrawn away from you since the baby's arrived. Now you can yell, scream, try all the emotional hystrionics in the world - or you can deal with it.

I've been there, I've defriended people quietly because I couldn't deal with a facebook feed of a million and one baby photos, scan photos and what-nots... and I'd do it again if I was in that situationa gain, and I'd understand anyone else who needed to do it to me... because it blooming hurts, and if you're struggling to deal with things anyway - then you've got to preserve your own sanity and wellbeing however you can. For a long time I needed to withdraw into situations I could control (and for me it pretty much did hit the point of not going out of the house much at all) in order to not make myself much iller than I was.

No one's under any obligation to HAVE to friend anyone on faceache or whatever. Give them some space and time - or alternatively cause a massive family ruckkus about it.

GracieP

elvis86 wrote: »

Wrongly. 100%!

I've seen this kind of thing posted many times now, and I have to say that experiencing fertility problems, whilst difficult, does not give people carte blanche to go around treating other people badly.

What do childless couples expect? For everyone else to keep their children in darkened rooms, lest they upset someone who is struggling to conceive? It's life, we sometimes can't have what we want and what others have.

If it's difficult for the OP's BIL and SIL to be around the OP's child, or the pregnant OP, and if Facebook updates about their family upset them, why didn't they just explain that?

Because it should be blatantly obvious to anyone with an ounce of empathy. I mean come on, you wouldn't post about how awesomely happy and loved up you are in your marriage to someone who has just been tragically widowed would you? You'd have to be a bloody psychopath. Well it's not that different to someone who's struggling through infertility to have to see constant reminders of other people's babies. I have seen the absolute destruction it has caused in the lives of a number of my friends and family members. Yes life goes on and nobody expects it not to but people who are in pain are allowed to protect themselves as much as possible and people who are not in pain, quite frankly, need to realise that if someone needs to back away from them for a while it's not personal.

Infertility is absolute hell. It's like the worst type of grief as there is no closure as long as you keep trying. It's a raw, open wound for years and years. It's also a process which involves people, especially women, taking a multitude of fertility drugs that absolutely screw with their heads and emotions. In fact most people dealing with long term infertility feel suicidal at some point. Just getting through the day can be an epic struggle and on days you achieve balance seeing people posting their happy pregnancy/baby updates can destroy any calm you have achieved.

As a result of what I've seen my friends go through, (and while I haven't dealt with infertility I have lost a baby and immediately afterwards had my husband go through a near fatal illness for several years, so I know what it's like to be unable to have the family you crave) I have no intention of posting a word about my pregnancy on facebook and when the baby is born I'll be keeping the posts to a minimum. I also know some people will be pausing our friendships for the next year or two because I know my pregnancy and baby will cause them pain. It's not a nice feeling, I'll miss my friends but I certainly won't be getting sanctimonious from my position of privilege and wanting them to suck up their feelings and be happy for me. I'll just back off and hope that one day they will have the same happiness or that if that can't happen they eventually find peace and acceptance.

elvis86

dizziblonde wrote: »

So basically you're cheesed off because they're not running around in rapture at your little one? That's the gist of it really.

That's funny, that's not the "gist" that I got at all? The OP's BIL and SIL have never seen her 14 month old child? Despite seeing her OH regularly. That strikes me as weird.

dizziblonde wrote: »

Hate to break it to you but it's their choice - for whatever reason, and if you're going on on faceache like you are on here, I can understand why they're doing it to be honest - they've got problems dealing with little ones in general, or you in person (two sides to every story and all that) and they've withdrawn away from you since the baby's arrived. Now you can yell, scream, try all the emotional hystrionics in the world - or you can deal with it.

I've been there, I've defriended people quietly because I couldn't deal with a facebook feed of a million and one baby photos, scan photos and what-nots... and I'd do it again if I was in that situationa gain, and I'd understand anyone else who needed to do it to me... because it blooming hurts, and if you're struggling to deal with things anyway - then you've got to preserve your own sanity and wellbeing however you can. For a long time I needed to withdraw into situations I could control (and for me it pretty much did hit the point of not going out of the house much at all) in order to not make myself much iller than I was.

With all due respect, struggling to conceive does not make anyone with a child your mortal enemy.

dizziblonde wrote: »

No one's under any obligation to HAVE to friend anyone on faceache or whatever. Give them some space and time - or alternatively cause a massive family ruckkus about it.

Perhaps not, but I'd say that the OP's husband has an obligation to his wife and child, to not stand by and allow his family to snub them and make them feel like they're not part of the family.