So irresponsible with money

VfM4meplse

victory wrote: »

Not marriage saver necessarily but if the OP OH feels he is being short changed then proof is out there, write it all down and present it to him so he can be surprised at how much everything actually costs and how it has all gone up.:D

Then sit down, discuss the outgoings and plan from there who actually pays what, when, how, from which account etc.

It is better advice that the immediate shoot from the hip ones of 'leave him, why are you with him, run for the hills 'type posts:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Sadly there's a gaping flaw: your approach sounds far too logical to work on someone with the mentality of a spoilt brat.

victory

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Sadly there's a gaping flaw: your approach sounds far too logical to work on someone with the mentality of a spoilt brat.

:rotfl::rotfl: From reading the opening post it sounds like the parents of the OH have a lot to answer for, giving in to him, lending him money, lots of money rather than letting him stand on his own to feet and deal with his own debt, then he finds a wife....

Judith_W

OP, I agree that you obviously need to factor in more costs, but until your OH has his lightbulb moment, he will resent you for it all. I don't know if it would be worth asking for more but for variable costs saying if you don't spend it then you can have it back/ put it towards a holiday etc.

You are going to have a really hard time with this for a long time, as your attitudes are so different. I hope you're in it for the long slog.

LittleMissAspie

bluescissors wrote: »

I think £800 for a roof over your head is a pretty reasonable figure!!...if the situation was reversed and HE was the one managing the house/council tax/bills I would be happy to hand over that amount, he doesnt realise what a hassle it is trying to manage everything...........

Maybe that's what you should do, put everything in his name and he can learn how to be a grown-up. Just make sure nothing will affect your credit rating.

monicaj

elvis86 wrote: »

It's the emotional "association" I'd be more concerned about. Why on earth should the OP continue to make it so easy for this guy when he treats her so badly?

Excuse me !! - Please take the time to re-read my post. Where have I suggested that she makes it easy for her husband emotionally ?? Lordy Lordy ..........................

MunniMuncha

I feel for you Blue, can't ever imagine living like that.:( My OH's wages covers all our expenses and mine pays for day to day living throughout the month. I am in charge of all the finances and just let OH know when he needs to take care (mind you having said that he is very frugal and can make a fiver last 2 weeks). My question is though, if he pays ONLY £800 per month where does the rest of his money go? I take it from your post that you don't have the same freedom of extra cash like he must have, so where is the fairness in that?

Marriage needs to work 2 ways, otherwise I cannot see how it can work at all. Is OH the sort that will sit down and go through finances with you so you can point out that you are not 'ripping him off'. How long has he been paying the £800 for - maybe it is time for an increase due to everything else that has gone up so much of late? Just a thought

Good luck

VfM4meplse

victory wrote: »

:rotfl::rotfl: From reading the opening post it sounds like the parents of the OH have a lot to answer for, giving in to him, lending him money, lots of money rather than letting him stand on his own to feet and deal with his own debt, then he finds a [STRIKE]wife[/STRIKE] new mum....

OP, it may feel like harsh advice, but it is objective based on the facts presented. Obviously there will be complicating factors - presumably you love your husband and would not wish to make any decision that would have a negative impact on your family unit - but I don't think you're going to be able to change your OH. You can either accept your situation is not going to change, and the frustration that goes with it, or do something about it in the knowledge that it will lead to significant upset. Neither choice is going to be easy! Good luck.

minimacka

God I am such a lucky person to have the husband that I do, in the first instance when we got together and had children he used to earn more than me but we had a joint account the bills came out of and any left over was spend on us and the children. Our family came first, he wanted so much to play golf but sacrifised going because 1 it would cost too much and 2 because it meant him not spending as much time with his family, not at one point did he ever complained about handing all his wages over for the household bills. Fast forward to now, our kids are older and we are in the lucky position that i am now the bread winner of the family and he runs his own business which he loves and is a lot less stressful, which does better in the summer months than the winter. I dont ever complain that ALL my wages goes to paying the bills because thats what a family does, he feels guilty because he doesnt earn as much as me to contribute more. If we ever had to take a loan out it was our loan not mine or his. I cant believe that they split the proceeds from the house sale and instead of paying all the outstanding debt only paid hers off and left her husband to keep his half. I am sorry to say this but he needs a wake up call somehow and to take responsibility for his family, wether this be by getting all wages paid into one account and then deciding how much "spending money" each one gets or by tackling the problem from both party's by helping pay the debt off together and pulling together as a family.

I knew i was lucky to marry the man i did in so many other ways but now i realise how lucky i am in every way. A true man puts his family first and foremost and i may sound old fashioned but i am only 43.

londonsurrey

It sounds like the husband has acquired an accountant, housekeeper, chauffeur, nanny and guilt eater for £800 a month, and how dare she ask for more. After all, his monthly outgoings would be so much less if he were single, wouldn't they? All the spare money is his to spend, including what he scrounges off his parents and wife(she paid off the debts with her half share).

bluescissors

Thanks for all your replies. I have been having a lot of sleepless nights about this recently. I feel that I am 50% responsible for his poor attitude as I have let him get away with this for years and years and not stood up to him.

Now that I am getting more assertive about money he doesnt like it. I'm not trying to overcharge him or rip him off, just get a half share towards the running costs for the house! I have a similar amount of disposable income to him but I have been stashing this away for either a house deposit or for DDs future....not spending on holidays like him.....I feel guilty that we have nothing to show for years of working even though we have both had good careers, and can't even provide a stable roof over DDs head! I'm hoping we can stay in this rented place for at least a year or two without having to move again but I would feel a lot more secure in my own (mortgaged) house.

Anyway, I put all my thoughts in writing (in an e mail) to him as he doesnt listen to what I say and talks over me and changes the subject.

I'm actually really unhappy and I know he is never ever going to change. I just dont know if this would be enough to justify a divorce as he would argue that he could change, but he has had so many opportunities to change and be more responsible.

Feeling really down hearted as I have no one to talk to about it.