So irresponsible with money

DylanO

bluescissors wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies. I have been having a lot of sleepless nights about this recently. I feel that I am 50% responsible for his poor attitude as I have let him get away with this for years and years and not stood up to him.

Now that I am getting more assertive about money he doesnt like it. I'm not trying to overcharge him or rip him off, just get a half share towards the running costs for the house! I have a similar amount of disposable income to him but I have been stashing this away for either a house deposit or for DDs future....not spending on holidays like him.....I feel guilty that we have nothing to show for years of working even though we have both had good careers, and can't even provide a stable roof over DDs head! I'm hoping we can stay in this rented place for at least a year or two without having to move again but I would feel a lot more secure in my own (mortgaged) house.

Anyway, I put all my thoughts in writing (in an e mail) to him as he doesnt listen to what I say and talks over me and changes the subject.

I'm actually really unhappy and I know he is never ever going to change. I just dont know if this would be enough to justify a divorce as he would argue that he could change, but he has had so many opportunities to change and be more responsible.

Feeling really down hearted as I have no one to talk to about it.

If you don't think a lifetime or misery, instability and uncertainty is enough to justify a divorce then I don't know what is. That's what you're facing.

If his good points - whatever they are - don't outweigh that (for me, I don't think they could, regardless of what they are) then you don't need to justify it to anyone. If he won't listen then he doesn't deserve an explanation.

19lottie82

DylanO wrote: »

a lifetime of misery

thats a bit overdramatic. like most of your posts.

bluescissors

It sounds selfish but I dont want to have to move out of this house that we are in, but I dont know how to get him to move out. In recent arguments I have suggested that he get a small place of his own, even just to give us a bit of breathing space, but he has just blanky ignored me.

The house is rented in my name (only my name on the tenancy) because of his dodgy credit history. DD has just settled into a school 2 mins round the corner and she is in Yr5 so we will be considering high school options in less than 12 months. If we stay in this location she can attend an excellent secondary where all her friends are going to. I just don't want to disrupt her again. But things can't go on as they are otherwise i'll just crumble with the stress. Im just so unhappy as I can't see any future with him.....and I'm sure he would be happier in the long term, he would be free to do whatever he wanted and not have me around nagging him about money (as he puts it)

The easiest and quickest option for me would be to just get a small flat and move out myself, I could do that tomorrow, go put down a deposit on a flat, there are dozens up for rent around here, but why should I?? It could cause all sorts of problems if I leave him behind in the house as I am supposed to be the tenant. I'd have to get him to pay me the rent in order for me to pay it to the letting agent.

19lottie82

bluescissors wrote: »

It could cause all sorts of problems if I leave him behind in the house as I am supposed to be the tenant.

Totally. Do you want to be responsible for a rental flat AND the house, because you would be, as the lease is in your name.
Are you on a rolling lease, or still in a fixed term?

I'm not 100% sure but if he is not on the lease then you can throw him out and change the locks but obviously this isn't an ideal situation.
If you want to leave the house without consequence, you will need to go down the proper channels with the LL/LA of handing in your notice etc.

MIght sound stupid, but have you sat down and had a proper heart to heart and tried reasoning wiht him. ie if he wont leave the house then you will all have to which means disrupting your DD and wont do anyone any good in the long term.
Would you be willing to try some sort of mediation / councilling (sp) to try and sort things out, or has it gone past that?

DylanO

bluescissors wrote: »

It sounds selfish but I dont want to have to move out of this house that we are in, but I dont know how to get him to move out. In recent arguments I have suggested that he get a small place of his own, even just to give us a bit of breathing space, but he has just blanky ignored me.

The house is rented in my name (only my name on the tenancy) because of his dodgy credit history. DD has just settled into a school 2 mins round the corner and she is in Yr5 so we will be considering high school options in less than 12 months. If we stay in this location she can attend an excellent secondary where all her friends are going to. I just don't want to disrupt her again. But things can't go on as they are otherwise i'll just crumble with the stress. Im just so unhappy as I can't see any future with him.....and I'm sure he would be happier in the long term, he would be free to do whatever he wanted and not have me around nagging him about money (as he puts it)

The easiest and quickest option for me would be to just get a small flat and move out myself, I could do that tomorrow, go put down a deposit on a flat, there are dozens up for rent around here, but why should I?? It could cause all sorts of problems if I leave him behind in the house as I am supposed to be the tenant. I'd have to get him to pay me the rent in order for me to pay it to the letting agent.

It sounds as if you know exactly what you want but you just don't know how to go about it.

Basic facts - as far as I know - he has no right to live there is his name is not on the tenancy - so a "pack your bags and get out you irresponsible ar.se" should be sufficient. If he refuses to leave then phone the police and have him removed.

Your daughter's future education depends on her being in that school so don't you dare move for him. He should know that, I worry that he does and he's using it to stop you from throwing him out.

Can you afford to stay in the house on your income? If so, take a day off, pack his bags and have the locks changed. Make sure your daughter's well out of the way and just get rid.

bluescissors

We had to sell our previous house due to our debts...but at least this was the catalyst for me making a new start financially. At the time I was so fed up with his "head in the sand" atttude to debt and money that I was serious about leaving and the only thing that made him realise that I was serious was that I got the solicitor who was dealing with the conveyancing to draw up an agreement that we would split the money from the sale of the house (solicitor advised me we would have to do that) My OH refused to sign it and he ended up in tears, begging me not to go....he made all sorts of promises, that he would be so much more responsible with money, stop behaving like a teenager, that he would make a fresh start etc.

At that point I had a massive choice to make and I can so clearly remember that moment...we were sitting in a cafe where I had met up with him for lunch (to be on neutral ground) and he gave me all this about how me and DD were the most important things to him in the world. I was so upset to see him so upset (if that makes sense) and I agreed to give him another chance. But even as I walked away from the cafe and back to work, a little voice was telling me that I was just taking the easy option to avoid the pain and disruption of splitting with him.

So fast forward to right now and he hasnt changed a bit. He made an effort for a few months or so but then has slipped back to just taking everything for granted. My life is manic....I work full time, I care for DD, I manage the house, I do all the driving (he doesnt have a licence) even when we move house I have to hire the van and drive it! I do treat him like a teenager, because that is the way its just developed over the years. He has a clever way of just being helpless so that I have to take over in order for things to go smoothly. Like not paying bills, so we get final demands, then I descover we are in arrears so have to take over and pay.

He will not take responsibility for anything. Even when stuff goes wrong he twists things so that it becomes either me or DDs fault. If he misses a bill payment its because his bank messed up, if money goes into my account late from his account making me go overdrawn, its because MY bank messed up. If we get the order wrong at the takeaway because he hasnt written it down clearly when I go out to pick it up it is apparently my fault and he barks at me that I can't read properly..this happened this weekend and even my DD said "Daddy you wrote it down wrong, its not mummy's fault" ..even at her tender age she can see that something is very wrong.

He says that he can't see anything wrong with our relationship and that it is me who is causing any problems and making up things that dont exist, that I just "go on about stuff too much" He says he is perfectly happy with the way things are.

I keep looking at houses for sale, that I could easily afford, cute little 2 bed terraces, nothing fancy, but I know deep down that it is pointless looking, I never ever want to buy a house with him again as he would treat it as his new "project" and want the whole place done up to a high specification (paid for by me) and a big plasma and home cinema on the wall. Then he would find something wrong with it, or fall out with the neighbours and demand to move again.

AAGGH! sorry for letting all this out but I am so frustrated and unhappy.

DylanO

bluescissors wrote: »

We had to sell our previous house due to our debts...but at least this was the catalyst for me making a new start financially. At the time I was so fed up with his "head in the sand" atttude to debt and money that I was serious about leaving and the only thing that made him realise that I was serious was that I got the solicitor who was dealing with the conveyancing to draw up an agreement that we would split the money from the sale of the house (solicitor advised me we would have to do that) My OH refused to sign it and he ended up in tears, begging me not to go....he made all sorts of promises, that he would be so much more responsible with money, stop behaving like a teenager, that he would make a fresh start etc.

At that point I had a massive choice to make and I can so clearly remember that moment...we were sitting in a cafe where I had met up with him for lunch (to be on neutral ground) and he gave me all this about how me and DD were the most important things to him in the world. I was so upset to see him so upset (if that makes sense) and I agreed to give him another chance. But even as I walked away from the cafe and back to work, a little voice was telling me that I was just taking the easy option to avoid the pain and disruption of splitting with him.

So fast forward to right now and he hasnt changed a bit. He made an effort for a few months or so but then has slipped back to just taking everything for granted. My life is manic....I work full time, I care for DD, I manage the house, I do all the driving (he doesnt have a licence) even when we move house I have to hire the van and drive it! I do treat him like a teenager, because that is the way its just developed over the years. He has a clever way of just being helpless so that I have to take over in order for things to go smoothly. Like not paying bills, so we get final demands, then I descover we are in arrears so have to take over and pay.

He will not take responsibility for anything. Even when stuff goes wrong he twists things so that it becomes either me or DDs fault. If he misses a bill payment its because his bank messed up, if money goes into my account late from his account making me go overdrawn, its because MY bank messed up. If we get the order wrong at the takeaway because he hasnt written it down clearly when I go out to pick it up it is apparently my fault and he barks at me that I can't read properly..this happened this weekend and even my DD said "Daddy you wrote it down wrong, its not mummy's fault" ..even at her tender age she can see that something is very wrong.

He says that he can't see anything wrong with our relationship and that it is me who is causing any problems and making up things that dont exist, that I just "go on about stuff too much" He says he is perfectly happy with the way things are.

I keep looking at houses for sale, that I could easily afford, cute little 2 bed terraces, nothing fancy, but I know deep down that it is pointless looking, I never ever want to buy a house with him again as he would treat it as his new "project" and want the whole place done up to a high specification (paid for by me) and a big plasma and home cinema on the wall. Then he would find something wrong with it, or fall out with the neighbours and demand to move again.

AAGGH! sorry for letting all this out but I am so frustrated and unhappy.

Let it all out - in fact I must thank you - I've had a terrible night's sleep and you're keeping me from attempting to work with this headache.

It sounds as if you're being abused - financially and emotionally. Your daughter's picking up on it now. When a ten year old (is that how old Y5 kids are?) are being more mature than their allegedly adult father, you know there's something wrong.

I suggest that you both take the day off, and you drive him to a very far out, country pub, and leave him there. Have friends come over and start packing his stuff - deposit it at his mother's and have the locks changed.

You deserve more than what you're currently lumbered with, and he deserves much less. Do what's right for you and for your daughter.

vasseur

My life is manic....I work full time, I care for DD, I manage the house, I do all the driving (he doesnt have a licence) even when we move house I have to hire the van and drive it!

Mine too and I am a single parent. I'm far better with my money this way. I don't have someone spending all the money I have saved. Would you really be any worse off as a single parent?

I keep looking at houses for sale, that I could easily afford, cute little 2 bed terraces, nothing fancy, but I know deep down that it is pointless looking, I never ever want to buy a house with him again as he would treat it as his new "project" and want the whole place done up to a high specification (paid for by me) and a big plasma and home cinema on the wall. Then he would find something wrong with it, or fall out with the neighbours and demand to move again.

This is what we have - my DD and I and it is the perfect size for us.

AAGGH! sorry for letting all this out but I am so frustrated and unhappy

Don't apologise. I think you know what you want to do and it's all coming out on these pages. If you are in a position to split with him I would do it now while it's still financially viable.

RAS

If he is not on the tenancy agreement, he has not right to live there; you can chuck him out and change the locks.

I would suggest talking to the local police. They may be prepared to support you by visiting when you want him to leave.

I would also download the court forms and serve him with divorce papers at the same time.

FBaby

Your partner's behaviour reminds me so much of my ex's, there must be a syndrome!

Like you, I find myself having to control everything in our relationship because my ex acted like a teenager all the time and seemed incapable of showing even the most basic financial responsibility. In retrospective, all the signs were there. When we met, we earned the exact same salary, yet almost every month, he would ask to borrow money because he had nothing left in his account. When I fell pregnant, he agreed that we would need to save every penny to make out the fallout from me being on maternity leave (at the time not as generous as now). I bought every single items required for the baby including pushchair etc...and still managed to save £1000. He'd saved nothing...

Unfortunately, things only got worse. He continued to overspend, refused to look at way of saving some money. He never knew what was in his account, used his credit card for everything. When I challenged him, he always said that all was well since he could afford to repay the minimum payments. We had some deep conversations, when he borke down, acknowledge he had an issue, cut his credit cards in front of me, but the rest of the time, he was just always full of excuses and lies. He asked me a couple of times to take all his money away and only give him cash weekly, but I refused to do this, as to my eyes, that make me see him even more as a kid rather than a partner than already did, and that was a total turn off. Unfortunately, it is what our relationship became even without resorting to this. I grew resentful. I was working full-time at a demanding job, difficult children (babies who suffered from very bad colic both), did all the childcare and the rest, did all the housework, and I grew tired, frustrated we always seemed not to be able to afford things despite good salaries, ther realisation that 1/3 of his pay went straight to repaying loans and CC repayments only (all spent on things that had nothing to do with me, mainly evenings out after work, clothes, expensive lunches etc...) and after another lie about a credit card that he again took behind my back I drew the line. I couldn't cope with the feeling that I was a single working mum of two babies and an unreliable teenager.

My new partner is the absolute opposite (that was my first criteria for selection!) and it is such a blessing. It took me some time to relax and trust him with money. Ironically, despite also earning a very good salary, he is the one telling us off if we leave the lights on, reducing the hours the heating is on. He makes all his lunches, always saving the money before booking something.

My ex got into trouble after we separated as the inevitable happened, he was made redundant and spiralled into severe debts he couldn't repay. Saying that, he has been with a new partner for 5 years now and I think he is a lot better than he was with me. I think unlike me, she has accepted to be in control of everything and my ex has learnt his lesson to some extent and changed his dreadful spending habits. I think they are a lot better matched then we were and she has succeeded to some extend when I wasn't really prepared to do what it required. I still wouldn't! It's a vicious circle, he acts less like a teenager because she treats him less like one and vice versa.