So irresponsible with money

bluescissors

Can't send DD to my mums as she lives in sheltered housing. Although I am nearer my family there is very little that they can practically do to help! My mum is 82 and very very old fashioned, she just couldnt cope with any unpleasantness, she expects all men to be old fashioned gentlemen like my Dad was. I might try and speak to Womens Aid, Im a bit stuffed financially as I am working. I know one of the girls I work with split up and got Legal Aid but I have no chance of that, I'm sure.

I'm just so sad that it has come to this, I'm angry with myself that I have let it go on for this long....wasted 10 years probably (although I would never wish away my DD she is my perfect girl)

Its all pouring out now when I think about all the horrible things he says to me. He says that I am in a bad mood all the time and that insult him but I honestly can't think of anything that I have ever said recently that could be taken as a direct insult. Yes I'm tired and fed up- if anything I'm just going through the routine of going to work and dreading going home on an evening rather than looking to start a fight with him...but he is just so very clever at twisting my words and making it appear as if it is all my fault. And then there is this stupid holiday that he has booked!

If I dont go, my DD won't want to go, and then he will tell her that its all my fault that I spoilt her chance of having a holiday.

Emmzi

so yes, the more you talk, the more it sounds like abuse.

Really, truly, women's aid. You need to get to a place where you don't give a stuff what anyone thinks about the police turning up etc etc. And FAST.

Because right now, you are teaching your daughter that a woman's role is to be a doormat for an abusive man. Don't you want better for her? This is why patterns repeat in families.

Get him out. Not for you - for her!

Birdy12

bluescissors wrote: »

And then there is this stupid holiday that he has booked!

If I dont go, my DD won't want to go, and then he will tell her that its all my fault that I spoilt her chance of having a holiday.

You know, I feel for you. I don't share many of your problems but we do have one thing in common, a hubby who's useless with money! We seem to have found a routine that works for us but it's been trial and error and some raised voices (mostly mine!) along the way.

The above point struck me. Your OH sounds incredibly immature. Blaming most things on you gives him a way out of taking any responsibility. The next time he does this I would suggest cutting him off mid-point and saying, 'no, actually it's yours. All this is your fault. I refuse to take the blame for everything'. Throw something back at him for a change.

Problem is, I don't think he's got any intention of changing. As you said earlier, he thinks everything's OK. He needs a short sharp shock (and I don't mean tasering ). Something along the lines of 'I've packed your bags, your mum's expecting you'. And mean it.

Sambucus_Nigra

You are in a very good position to get rid of him - as you are in a rental house. Unless you feel that he will get violent or abusive, all you need to do is to change the locks and have his stuff packed and at the door ready for when he gets home.

19lottie82

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

You are in a very good position to get rid of him - as you are in a rental house. Unless you feel that he will get violent or abusive, all you need to do is to change the locks and have his stuff packed and at the door ready for when he gets home.

I agree. It won't be easy but you really need to do this. I know you're looking for a pain free way out for everyone but from what you have told us, it's not going to happen! You've asked him, for the sake of your daughter, to leave, but he won't. Please do what's best for you and your DD and kick him out x

bluescissors

I'm grateful to be able to put my thoughts down somewhere...Im at work at the moment, I find it hard to get on the internet at home. If I do go on the internet I get interrupted by DD or have OH hanging over my shoulder to see what I am doing.....which is ironic considering how secretive he is himself!

Have a docs appointment today as I have been getting terrible stomach pains, I'm not usually a hypochondriac, but this pain has also been affecting my sleep. I was going to sleep in with DD last night (its very cramped sharing a single bed) but OH grumpily agreed to sleep downstairs. I think my cold and stomach pains are working to my advantage at the moment.

I have decided to try and put a mattress in the 3rd bedroom, it means moving all his stuff but it gives me an option of sleeping in there. Its a tiny room...not really enough space even for a single mattress but i'll have to try and squeeze one in. Then I'll have to organise buying one!!

Last night I got home early from work and DD was watching CBBC...there was a programme on about domestic violence...she seemed very interested in in and was asking a lot of questions about me and her Dad arguing. I dont know how it has come to this, gone from a busy working mum to thinking about protecting DD from arguments and abuse. I feel like I have let her down so badly.

Thanks for all the support and comments.

Emmzi

You don't need another matress. You need a locksmith.

What is actually stopping you from doing what you so clearly know to be the right thing? Can you write that down, it's probably the next step for you.

DreamerV

I empathise with your situation. I am in this a few stages before, where it should theoretically be easy for me to leave (except no children, and our work situation means we have all our financials separate and have to temporarily live apart). Every time I try and leave, I get tears and "I'll change" and now when I ask to talk things out I get "Here we go again". I spend thousands more a year on travel as I am the one always travelling back and forth to visit, I buy little presents (nothing expensive, more of emotional value), small things for my partner's house, etc, etc (I have the much smaller income by more than half). The reason I'm saying this is because I want so say I know how hard it is to leave (it's hard enough for me before moving in, with no children) once emotionally involved, and when one party makes false promises about changing etc. From what you've said, leaving is the right thing to do, but it's completely understandable why you would find this difficult. I don't envy your position, but it also sounds like you have a lot of resilience and after a settling in period, you'll be well on your feet in your new situation. Your OH on the other hand sounds like he could go either way, either turning his life around financially and growing up too, or drowning in debts because he can't manage his finances and blames everyone else. It does sound however, that if he did change, you could potentially be happy - and although he is unlikely to, it may be worth asking him to move out temporarily (more a separation), and re-assessing the situation in say 3 to 6 months. He might realise how much he misses you and especially your daughter, and how hard it is to manage financially alone, and change for the better.

If you do decide to split, do consider how you will cope financially, as obviously living alone tends to be more expensive than splitting bills etc when living together. Consider whether you would be entitled to tax credits etc. And also would your husband likely pay any maintenance for your child at least.

Good luck in whatever you choose to do.

Catti

Just to pick up on a legal point here - a husband or wife has the right to live in a property in which the other spouse has a legal interest and that includes a tenancy.

londonlass001

Much of what you've written strikes a chord sadly. It's especially tough when you are thinking about how a separation will affect a child(ren). I got to the point where I had few positive feelings left towards my now ex. Too many broken promises, refusal to take responsibility and a threat of being evicted after him spending the rent on who knows what (I was on maternity leave at this point), so I asked him to leave (tenancy was in my name due to his poor credit history). It wasn't easy as he refused to face up to the situation but I was not prepared to bring our son up in a toxic environment. My sister stayed in an unhappy marriage for years "for the kids" but wasn't able to stop the bitterness and resentment she felt toward her husband from slipping out. Her adult children don't thank her for that.

We have an ok relationship at the moment although he doesn't pay regular maintenance or contribute toward the joint debt which is in my name stupidly. I'm trying very hard to keep my negative feelings about his father from my son (he's only 18 months) but it's hard when money is tight and his Dad is earning but not contributing.

Anyhow, I do understand some of what you're going through and perhaps you still have hope he'll change? I think it's not a case of doesn't want to, I don't think some people are able to change. In this situation, you, once again, need to be the one to take responsibility and say enough is enough. Don't let him take anymore of your future from you and your child.

Much strength and hugs to you