So irresponsible with money

bluescissors

Fbaby that rings so many bells! I thought that having our DD would make him grow up and be more mature...it certainly did for me. Prior to having DD I was almost as bad as him, I had no motivation to save or worry about getting into debt. Then I had my beautiful girl and I knew she took precedence over anything else!! Sorry to say that I ended up paying all the childcare costs (at £650 per month!) out of my wage until she went to school with no help from him, just excuses, which added to my debts as I was also paying mortgage, bills etc. Every month I asked him to set up a standing order and after several days of me having to tread on eggshells and remind him, he might produce £100 or £200 cash but then make excuses about why he was skint that month and couldnt give me any more. I was so busy and preoccupied when I was on maternity leave that I even ended up signing over the child benefit to him (I cant believe now, thinking back, that I was so STUPID to do that) as he had a "plan" to save it in an account for her.....guess what...he didnt save a penny so after a year or so of excuses from him, like he couldnt find her birth certificate or needed a utility bill to open an account, I took over control of it again...it went someway towards the nursery fees. He said that the money all went on DIY stuff as we were doing up the house at the time. But he had seemed so plausible at the time, like he was helping me by setting her up a bank account (he never did set up an account for her, but I bl**dy well have now and am stashing money in there for her!!)

Thats all in the past and I can't change it. Im mad with myself for my own past stupidity and lack of assertiveness. Like I said, if I had been more assertive I wouldnt be in such a mess and so i do take some responsibility for his behaviour, allowing him to behave like a teenager for so long.

The problem I have now is that he is convinced that he is "doing his best" for the family and that I'm just having a go at him constantly. I suppose in his eyes he does think he is "doing his best" as he is now paying 50% of the house costs (finally after 10 years of trying to persuade him!!) plus he does a few chores round the house (mainly cooking) and thats it, I do all the rest.

I keep asking myself. "What do I want out of this" and "If he was willing to change would things be different" ...sounds a bit naff but I think that so much trust has gone now that I can't go back, its a case of either putting up with him the way he is, or taking some action.

vasseur

Then I had my beautiful girl and I knew she took precedence over anything else!! Sorry to say that I ended up paying all the childcare costs (at £650 per month!) out of my wage until she went to school with no help from him, just excuses, which added to my debts as I was also paying mortgage, bills etc.

Sounds like you'll be better off on your own - you've already been doing most of it anyway.

The problem I have now is that he is convinced that he is "doing his best" for the family and that I'm just having a go at him constantly. I suppose in his eyes he does think he is "doing his best" as he is now paying 50% of the house costs (finally after 10 years of trying to persuade him!!) plus he does a few chores round the house (mainly cooking) and thats it, I do all the rest.

I keep asking myself. "What do I want out of this" and "If he was willing to change would things be different" ...sounds a bit naff but I think that so much trust has gone now that I can't go back, its a case of either putting up with him the way he is, or taking some action

I remember reading once that after the age of 30 it is difficult to change how you are. Don't know how true (or proven) that is...

meer53

Time to pluck up the courage and tell him it's time he grew up and that you're going to look after yourself and your daughter, but that HE doesn't feature in YOUR plans. It sounds as though he's had his chance and blown it.

Give him an ultimatum for moving out, can he move in with his very supportive parents ? There's no need to discuss divorce at the moment, you need to get your head straight and have some time to collect your thoughts about what you want to do. Don't rush into anything, make him sweat for a while but most importantly, don't give in to him, even if he turns on the waterworks. If you know he won't change, then you have to make the decision for him, you can't spend the rest of your life with someone like this, he will drag you down, and you and your daughter deserve better.

I've been where you are, i know how you're feeling. I'm not there anymore, i live with my daughter (she's 11) and i'm really, really happy. Go for it, promise yourself that little terrace house and make it happen, you only get one chance at life, why should you allow someone to make you miserable ? All you have to lose is the millstone around your neck

bluescissors

His mum lives miles away, too far for him to commute. We moved to this area because it was nearer my mum plus its a bigger city and more chance of him finding work, which he eventually did. After he was made redundant and we sold the house he would have been quite happy to be a house-husband and stay put where we were, where there were no jobs for him (he even suggested it!) but that filled me with dread....I knew he would just sit at home all day on the internet...so I found myself a job nearer "home" and it paid off because he also got a job. That was nearly 2 years ago now.

He has been sleeping downstairs for the last week because I have had a dreadful cold and I eventually persuaded him to sleep downstairs for a few nights. He also snores terribly and quite often wakes me up in the middle of the night with his snoring and I can't then get back to sleep. Sometimes he snores so loudly he wakes DD up and she is across the landing. He won't do anything about the snoring. On a weekend when he has been up late and had a drink it is even worse. I have had some of the best nights sleeps in ages this week just having the room to myself and time to think! But he claims that sleeping on the sofa bed downstairs is giving him a bad back so last night he demanded to sleep upstairs again.

Sure enough, he woke me with his snoring again, so I tried to wake him, he was pretending for ages (10 mins) to not hear me so I ended up having to get really angry with him before he sloped off downstairs. I have to leave for work at 7.15 every day so I need a good nights sleep. I feel like setting up a bed for myself in our (tiny) spare room but there isnt even floor space to put a grown up sized single mattress on! I cant sleep downstairs myself because he stays up late (past midnight) most nights messing about on the computer and watching telly so I have limited options. Last night he got really, really mad with me when I woke him up to tell him he was snoring and called me an "effing nag" before he went downstairs. Needless to say I didnt talk to him this morning. Its just creating such a bad atmosphere in the house, DD is not stupid, she knows we are arguing all the time.

All the trust between us has gone and it is mainly because I am so mad about his attitude to money. Even the smallest thing totally irritates me now.....e.g. when we went shopping on Saturday, he didnt even give me back the pound coin that I gave him to put in the supermarket trolley, and then I am made to feel pathetic and money grabbing asking for it back (I just keep a pound coin in the car glove compartment for exactly that purpose if I dont have change in my purse so now he has even taken that)

We are having a big clearout and he is selling things on Amazon and ebay...I think he is even operating a small business on Amazon because he seems to have a business name (I have seen postage details that he has printed out and left on the printer) but he is so flippin secretive and keeps everything locked and password protected that he could be up to anything. I know he is selling stuff that would be considered "joint" things (for example at the moment he is selling the family digital camera) but because he sees it as "his" thing (I'm not interested in gadgets) he will just use the money to buy his next favourite gadget rather than using the cash to pay for something useful.

During the week I took some scrap paper from the bottom of the printer for DD to use as scribbling paper. On the paper was details of some sort of deal he had done with a guy in America (it was an e mail trail) for an expensive item that I know he has been wanting...in the e-mails he was discussing sending the money to the guy in 2 seperate chunks to avoid import duty and also under insuring the item. He was talking about 2 sums-one of 500 dollars then another sum of similar amount. So this is the man who has no money to pay me for car repairs but can spend over 1000 US dollars on something for himself. I confronted him about it; first of all he got angry with me and flustered then he said I was making it all up and then when I said I had evidence (I didnt tell him exactly what evidence) he just started being horrible and saying that I was snooping on him and said in his usual sarky/derogatory tone of voice "who do you think you are? some sort of rubbish Sherlock Holmes??"

I'm just so scared to do this on my own. I want him to leave but I dont want any trouble. Id be mortified if I had to get the police involved...I just want a peaceful life...I wish we could do this amicably, that he would recognise that life is not just about staying together just because of convenience (i.e. him having a roof over his head) I'm sure he would be happier without me anyway, he could buy as many gadgets as he wanted, stay up as late as he liked and snore to his hearts content without me "nagging" him.

How can I do this on my own with the least amount of upset for DD????

RAS

He has not right to be in the house by law.

Howeverr, you really are only going to get him out if you get legal advice and find a way to legally exclude him (and that might be hard) or you ask the police for help.

victory

Has he threatened you? Do you feel scared for your own safety? Then it has to be the police...........

WhiteHorse

Bluescissors:

He is either suffering from arrested development (gross immaturity if you prefer), or is a psychopath (viz his utter indifference to others). This last is far more common than you would think.

It's obvious that he will never change. Where do you want to be in 10 years time? In the same hole? Or free?

bluescissors

I fele like I'm back at the start whenever I try and make progress. He just doesnt listen to me. I dont want to get police involved, he hasn't threatened me, he is just burying his head in the sand and because he has got away with this behaviour so many times he obviously thinks that in a few days it will all blow over and he can just continue as normal, doing what he wants with no repercussions from me.

If Im not going to get him to shift then the only thing I can do is remove myself, even temporarily, just to get the emssage across that I am deadly serious.

I'm 43 in a months time and I feel like I am 83! Our house is a tip, I have no motivation to keep the place like a home, I feel like I'm sharing the place with an unpleasant lodger.

I have worked so hard, doing extra overtime etc, to get some savings together that he doesnt know about...would I have to share them with him??

Emmzi

financial abuse is still abuse. Why not talk to someone from Women's Aid who has been there, done that?

You'll note not one person is saying "work it out."

Not one person thinks you would be evil for calling the police.

Send DD to your mum's for the weekend, change the locks, packs the bags, get rid. It's time.

RAS

bluescissors wrote: »

I'm 43 in a months time and I feel like I am 83! Our house is a tip, I have no motivation to keep the place like a home, I feel like I'm sharing the place with an unpleasant lodger.

I have worked so hard, doing extra overtime etc, to get some savings together that he doesnt know about...would I have to share them with him??

Firstly, you are sharing a house with an unpleasant lodger.

Secondly, he could be entitled to some of your savings if he demands a financial disclosure and the longer you leave it the more he might get his mitts on.

Get yourself down to a very good divorce lawyer now and ask how you get him out. Holidays coming up - send DD away for a few days and move him out. You will need eyes in the back of your head if you do not want him taking everything.

And read up on financial abuse and speak to WA. Not least so that when you are preparig for the financial settlement you understand your rights.