So irresponsible with money

bluescissors

My husband of 12 years just doesnt see eye to eye with me about money.

We both have reasonable jobs. Between 2000 and 2005 we both got into a lot of debt.
I always looked after all the house bills, including the mortgage, whereas his wage went on the more fun stuff like holidays, meals out etc.

Slowly our debts grew. A couple of years ago we had to move due to a job situation (he as made redundant) sold our house and split the money...He was well aware that I had got sick of being in debt and I used my half of the equity to clear all my debts in one go. I am now completely debt free.

He owed his parents a lot of money that he had borrowed without really discussing with me (I was aware he had borrowed some cash from them, but not the true amount I was horrified when I found out how much he had borrowed from them) so he paid them back but he still owes his credit cards A LOT of money...and he has defaulted on most of them. He doesnt seem to really care or lose any sleep about this.

We are currently renting a house but I would love to buy a home; I'm sick of renting and Im not getting any younger, in theory we could afford a mortgage (in fact it would be cheaper than renting for us) although it would have to be just in my name (he has a dodgy credit record)

The problem is that we argue so much about money. Because I still pay all the monthly bills out of my account (we dont have a joint account) I ask him every month for half of the cost of running the house (which he can easily afford from his wage) this comes to approximately £800. That is for EVERYTHING...his share of the rent, council tax, gas, leccy, phone bill, insurances, childcare etc it even includes a bit towards my car running costs (he can't drive) because we use it for the family, weekend shopping, trips, and taking our DD to school etc. For years and years I had never asked him for any "housekeeping" and that is partly how I ended up in such debt. When we moved into this rented house and I paid off my debts I was determined to be careful about setting a budget and keeping tabs on costs.

It just feels like Im sharing a house with a stranger/teenager sometimes. Times are hard, money is stretched and whenever anything unexpected happens I have to beg and grovel and justify every penny I spend. He grumbles that he has to pay his £800 and on several occasions has semi-accused me of "overcharging" him!! I think £800 for a roof over your head is a pretty reasonable figure!!...if the situation was reversed and HE was the one managing the house/council tax/bills I would be happy to hand over that amount, he doesnt realise what a hassle it is trying to manage everything...........

He tends to splurge on things..he doesnt spend money on day to day things, but he has no qualms about spending a lot on big items...like gadgets and clothes. He argues that I spend a lot of money too. I spend in different ways....I dont splurge, but I like treating our DD to small presents and treats. But since getting into debt I am always really careful about living within my means. I have built up some secret savings...I'm not telling him about them as he would just insist on spending on a big holiday or a new car.

Anyway it all came to a head last month when my car needed major repairs. The bill came to nearly £600. It was off the road for over a week and caused the whole family major inconvenience! I told him the amount it cost me but he didnt offer to help with the bill. The I asked him outright and told him it had made me really short of money for the month and he said he thought that I had built in car repairs into his "contribution" of £800 a month. I said I had estimated some costs for road tax and insurance etc but not to cover one-off big repairs!!! I've given up asking him now.


Then last week he announced to me and DD that he had booked a holiday at Easter, it must have cost him at least 6 to £800 for flights and hotel. He hadnt consulted me or even asked if I could book the leave from work!! Because he announced it to DD she is now really excited but I am fuming that he can think about something so frivolous as a holiday but then quibble about paying me a bit towards the cost of the family car.

Am I being unreasonable in being totally fed up with him?? I just cant discuss money with him without him saying that "all I ever talk about is money" and that I am "constantly asking him for money"

elvis86

I think you should tell your son to move out if he thinks he's getting a bum deal.

Oh, hang on. Sorry, it's actually your husband you're talking about? The person you're supposed to be in a loving, committed relationship with? The man you formed a lifelong partnership with and decided to raise a family with..?

Hopefully you get my jist. Sounds like some big changes are required in your marriage before you're anywhere close to being a proper partnership.

Don't get me wrong, my OH has made mistakes with money in the past and isn't as savvy as I am; and therefore I take care of the budgeting and bills in our house whilst he has a personal account for his own disposable income.

But it still feels like a partnership. His problem with money is mainly generosity, and as such he falls over himself to make sure that he is contributing to all expenses (eg today when I got some car repairs done, the first thing he said was "Please make sure you take half of that from my account").

He wouldn't dream of booking a holiday like that without discussing it with me first. In fact, I've made somewhat of a rod for my own back as he's now reluctant to arrange anything like a surprise romantic weekend away as he knows I'll probably get us a better deal (eg better hotel/flights for the same cost)!

You need to speak to your OH. I can't imagine he makes you feel like you're one half of a partnership at all?:(

Kaz2904

I'm actually speechless!
Really the only way out of this is for you to either become a team or to split. You need to have a conversation and decide which is the better option for you. If you decide to do it together, you need to make a realistic budget. FOR THE FAMILY and it's running costs. Rather than seeing it as his debts and your money, include the debts and their repayments in your calculations and then work out a snowball so that you can see how quickly you will be able to clear the debts. You also both need to discuss what is important to you.
It's very difficult with his money being the money used for holiday because you get all the drudgery and monotony and he gets all the glory spending "Look what I've done for you/us". He probably views it that you never buy anything fun- and why would you and how would you afford it!
Good luck xx.

Miss_Havisham

I'd leave him, it will never get better - more likely to get worse in various ways. The debt will escalate, you will resent him and he will react to that by being even more profliate with money.

Acc72

Miss_Havisham wrote: »

I'd leave him,

Interesting advice from Miss Havisham ...... :rotfl:

System

Youve not married a man, youve married a child.

vasseur

Do you sit down together and go through the family budget every month together? Or is it a case of he's paid his £800 then everything else is down to you?

Maybe he needs his eyes opened to how much things are costing.

Whatever, he needs to grow up a bit.

monicaj

I'm really sorry I don't have much advice other than to suggest that a Standing Order is set up from his account for his "contribution" for the household bills. Other than than I would make sure that I had no financial association with him whatsoever.

Monica

DylanO

Why are you with him?

elvis86

monicaj wrote: »

I'm really sorry I don't have much advice other than to suggest that a Standing Order is set up from his account for his "contribution" for the household bills. Other than than I would make sure that I had no financial association with him whatsoever.

Monica

It's the emotional "association" I'd be more concerned about. Why on earth should the OP continue to make it so easy for this guy when he treats her so badly?

victory

Spread sheets is what you need, if he keeps saying that he is being charged £800 and that is too much then give it to him in black and white and include absolutely everything, toiletries, toothbrushes, petrol, all the bills, the trip to the cinema, the bottle of wine, the new clothes for the children, birthday presents, xmas presents, every little penny you spend write it down, then see if he thinks he has a good deal or not?

He may think he is being overcharged, he will change his mind