Birthday Meal Ettiquette?

june.elizabeth

I have invited people to celebration meals on many occasions. I always pay for the food (regardless of number of courses served) and buy the first drink. After that they are on their own. I think it should be made clear at the time of the invite what is expected. If you cannot afford to go that should be the end of it and true friends would understand.

Hermia

miss_independent wrote: »

Hi, this is not intended to be a rant or anything, I am just genuinely confused about how this works. I was brought up that when you invite someone to a celebration, either the person celebrating or the person arranging the celebration pays - ie if I invite my friend's to my birthday meal, I would pay, as I am requesting their company.

I have never actually heard that! If someone had a 'do' at their house they would obviously supply the food, but if it was restaurant meal I have never heard of the organiser paying for everyone. Actually, I do remember a friend of my mum once paying for everyone at her 50th birthday dinner and that was seen as very strange and unusual. If I am invited to dinner in a restaurant I expect to pay. I have never assumed the birthday girl would pay because she arranged it. I have never moved in well-off circles though. If one person had to pay for everyone there would never be any celebrations!

Maybe this is a case where there really isn't a universal rule on this and you are coming up against people who, like me, have never heard of this rule.

elvis86

miss_independent wrote: »

Can I just ask, is this a common thing that you invite someone and expect them to pay?

To be honest, I wouldn't think it was all that common for someone/someone's partner to invite dozens of friends to a birthday dinner and foot the bill for everyone.:o

A wedding or a party is different, I wouldn't expect to be billed for a wedding breakfast or for my share of a buffet. But a dinner in a restuarant for someone's birthday - yes I would expect to pay (and probably for everyone present to split the birthday girl/boy's share).

miss_independent wrote: »

Hi, this is not intended to be a rant or anything, I am just genuinely confused about how this works. I was brought up that when you invite someone to a celebration, either the person celebrating or the person arranging the celebration pays - ie if I invite my friend's to my birthday meal, I would pay, as I am requesting their company.

Last month it was my very best friend's 30th birthday party and she held it at a very upscale restaurant. I lost my job and money has been very tight and, although I love her to bits and know I would have really upset her if I had to cancel, between her present and paying for my meal, it came to £65 and caused me a lot of worry financially. And that was only having one drink all night and ordering the cheapest thing on the menu!

You should have been able to confide in your very best friend that due to you changed circumstances (which she presumably knew about), you wouldn't be able to attend.

miss_independent wrote: »

Today I have been face booked by my friend's girlfriend. I had a "save the date" card through the door for my friend's 30th back in January, explaining it was his 30th in April and how his girlfriend was arranging a party at a surprise venue to be announced nearer to the time. I know he is expecting her to hire the local cricket club and have a buffet type thing. However, today she messages me saying that as a surprise she has hired the first floor of his favourite restaurant and inviting 50 people and she is having to pay per head and would like me to bring £10 deposit in the next week to her and pay the outstanding amount on the night depending on what item I go for off the set menu and how many drinks I get! She also reminded me my deposit was non refundable should I not turn up! He is a good friend and I text his girlfriend (who is lovely but a bit ditzy bless her), a few weeks ago asking her if it would be ok to give him a certain book I know he really wanted (it's a coffee table book, rare, RRP £35 but I could get it for £8) and she said that she is telling everyone just to give him cash or vouchers and I'd feel a bit tight handing him anything less than £15 but again, that plus a meal, card, expensive parking costs for the venue, it means it's going to be close to £40. She has also said if I don't go, I still have to pay £10 deposit. And also I don't want to lose friend's because I can't afford to go to their birthday meals but I've stumbled upon hard times financially and don't see what I can do except explain I can't go.!

Don't go to the meal, get the book if you can afford £8.

Lilibee

It would be very odd for me to NOT pay my own way at a friend's birthday night out. If I had been invited to join my friends in the pub, I wouldn't expect them to pay for my drinks, so why should I expect them to pay for my meal in a restaurant?

The only exception amongst my group of friends is if you're invited to someone's home, in which case it might be polite to take a bottle of wine but generally not expected - the hosts will provide food and drink.

I have in the past had to tell friends I couldn't afford to come to their party, and instead offered to cook a meal for them on another evening so that I still got to celebrate with them. Perhaps you could try something similar? If they're good friends they'll understand that things are tight right now.

Also, if you want to buy your friend a book, and you know it's something he'll like, then buy it. The girlfriend is probably only telling people vouchers/cash because she doesn't know what to suggest when people ask.

victory

miss_independent wrote: »

I haven't paid it yet as she only face booked me today but I think what she means is, I RSVPd to the Save the Date card and she has put me on the list as going (this was before I knew what the plans were, I thought it would be a party with a buffet at the cricket club) and the restaurant want a deposit based on 50 people going and wether I go or not she wants the £10 as she will have to pay it if I don't go.

Uhm so you end up £10 down for nothing? Well def the book if you know he wants it and you can get it for £8 absolutely, they cannot tell you what to buy him, suggest maybe but not tell you no and if you choose to buy him the book, the book it is end of.

In Spain where I grew up it is crystal clear the etiquette, they say 'te invito' which means I invite you so leave your money at home you are coming with me, 'vienes' means are you coming? Meaning if you come it is each to their own, the individual pays as for birthdays and parties they cater for it all and you show up with a present simples

In the UK it is more commonly known that if you get asked to attend a restaurant birthday party you will either have to pay individually or for some of the drinks if not all.

It is always better to know exactly what needs to be paid per person and what they expected you to bring/contribute towards...

miss_independent

june.elizabeth wrote: »

I have invited people to celebration meals on many occasions. I always pay for the food (regardless of number of courses served) and buy the first drink. After that they are on their own. I think it should be made clear at the time of the invite what is expected. If you cannot afford to go that should be the end of it and true friends would understand.

That's exactly what I do, pay for the meal and the first drink. This is all new to me and tbh, if I did expect my guests to pay for themselves (which I can't see myself ever doing lol!) then I would at least ensure I was booking somewhere affordable and not somewhere where a starter alone is £15.95 and a diet coke is £3.75!

I suppose he would understand, but either way, I'm stuck paying the £10 deposit!

sujman

Apart from say weddings and kids birthdays, for me it is normal to pay your own way.

I was invited to a birthday bash in London recently and was surprised that the birthday boy paid the whole bar tab (50 odd people came).

For me, for regular events like birthdays (which happen every year!), only the "rich" can afford to able to pay for all the guests - and I don't generally travel in those circles.

In this day and age of financial uncertainty, there should be no shame in saying you can't afford to come out and you shouldn't feel any embarassment over it.

Don't know your personal circumstances but making sure you can afford the roof over your head, food on the table for the family and covering all the essential bills should be the number one priority.

victory

pjcox2005 wrote: »

I'd say if someone was having a party/bbq at their house then they would normally pay/supply the food.

That makes me laugh remenbering once a friends BBQ I breezily said to her 'anything I can bring?' she replied 'yes bring the meat':rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

purple.sarah

I would pay for my own meal. I went out for a meal with friends at Christmas, one person reserved it and we paid a deposit then paid for our meal. I think splitting it is fairer than the person who organised it having to pay everything. I wouldn't go to a friend's birthday meal and assume they or their partner would be paying for my meal. I think it's reasonable to ask people to chip in.

However she is being unreasonable as you should be able to give whatever you want to or can afford to as a gift without needing her permission! And it's ridiculous for her to say you still have to pay if you can't go! Don't let her push you around. Just decide if you are going before you pay the deposit if it's non refundable.

miss_independent

It seems to pretty much be just me then and my family! I would never expect someone to be footing a restaurant meal for, say 50, people (as I've said we all thought it was just going to be a catered party) but in the case of my birthday meal, I have never invited more than 5 friend's and in my best friend's case, it was only immediate family, myself and one other friend.

I must have been brought up the wrong way lol!